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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To start wondering if I may be gay...at the age of 32, married and with dc.

82 replies

CeNedras · 08/01/2018 21:22

Oh god this is really mortifying but I've had a couple of glasses of wine and I've wanted to post this for a while.

I'm married, happily-ish, and have two young dc. I don't really know where this has come from but I've been feeling deeply unhappy for a few years.

I've always had boyfriends and male partners. The sex is ok, I'm not that bothered about it to be honest and never climax.

It just sort of hit me the other day. I realised that I do 'check out' women. I only ever fantasize about women when I'm, you know, going solo. I haven't really questioned this because it just felt normal and maybe because it felt taboo (parents extremely old school and very outspoken against homosexuality) Also it just feels safer to fantasize about women (I was subject to an attack when younger)

And I did have a girlfriend at my largely female school for a time when I was 15, semi-serious but I just started dating boys when I moved away for college.

Now I'm not sure if I did that because it was easier. It didn't seem like a conscious decision at the time.

Fuck, this sounds really self centred doesn't it? Obviously I'm not going to blow up DH and dc's lives because I'm confused but is it possible? Can you just 'realise' one day you may be a lesbian or am I having some sort of breakdown?!

OP posts:
crunchymint · 08/01/2018 22:33

Also give yourself time to figure this out. Don't pressure yourself into deciding if you are gay or not within a timescale. Take the pressure off and give yourself time.

asprinklingofsugar · 08/01/2018 22:35

Quite a while ago (I can't remember where or when - sorry!) I read something that I found really interesting. It suggested that some women don't always realise they're attracted to other women until later in life, because we've been raised to believe the idea and expectation that we should find a nice man, get married and have kids. And so they do what they're expected to do because they think it's the right thing, and it isn't till years down the line they realise they are attracted to women. That's not to say they don't love their husbands and got married under false pretences. They may be bisexual, or having been with only men, believed they were in love, not really knowing what it is to be properly in love with someone. I'm sorry I can't give you a link but I truly can't remember where I read it - I think it was on some blog, a couple of years ago, but I thought it was an interesting theory, so it's stuck in my brain.

There are resources out there for you (and your family if things ever change) if you want more experienced advice. I think there's perhaps two issues here - one is your marriage and the other is your sexuality, but they may be impacting on each other. If you want to explore this further, then therapy seems like a good idea. There's also probably videos, articles and blog posts made by people in your same situation - which might help you feel less alone, if you conclude that you are bisexual or gay. I think exploring it e.g. therapy and reflecting more on what you've written here etc, could be helpful, if only for your own peace of mind.

Trills · 08/01/2018 22:37

It sounds as if you are not particularly happy in your marriage. Have you thought about leaving, completely aside from the possibility of being with anyone else?

MelanieSmooter · 08/01/2018 22:38

It’s certainly not unusual OP. I am very happily married, with DC and have had exclusively male relationships. I’m not straight though, I’m most definitely bisexual. It’s just that I haven’t fallen into relationships with women Just the occasional bed

Trills · 08/01/2018 22:38

"Compulsory hetereosexuality" is probably the phrase you are thinking of, asprinklingofusgar

Judydreamsofhorses · 08/01/2018 22:39

Not to be flippant, but my celebrity crushes are pretty much all women - and I am neither gay nor bisexual. I think women are prone to crushes that are “I want to be her” rather than “I want to be with her”.

Original poster
CeNedras · 08/01/2018 22:40

asprinklingofsugar that resonates quite a bit actually.

I've just searched the 'turning tavern' threads and am currently reading through them.

OP posts:
Original poster
CeNedras · 08/01/2018 22:43

It's definitely more a 'I want to be with her' fantasy.

DH and I did actually separate for a few months after that incident, and I did feel a lot 'lighter'. But I felt guilty as he was crying down the phone every day pretty much and mil was calling saying how much the dc must be missing him. I caved in.

OP posts:
asprinklingofsugar · 08/01/2018 22:46

I don't recall that phrase being mentioned Trills but it was a while ago and that would fit Grin I've just googled it and it seems as though there's quite a bit of stuff on it, Ce if you wanted to get a better explanation of what I half-remembered, and posted

Ginkypig · 08/01/2018 22:46

Like with so many things with life sexual attraction is on a spectrum and we all sit on it somewhere.

Some of us know where from an early age and that's where we stay.

Some of us think we know and then life's experiences show us things that means we shift on the spectrum.

Some of us for no apparent reason years and years after they thought they knew suddenly find there spot has moved. Part of that could be put down to age bringing confidence in oneself to listen and hear what's inside.

Some of us though either on purpose or unconsciously know they sit somewhere else on it but live our lives and choose our partners from a different part i.e. They know they have attractions for one sex but choose to ignore that or at least not have open relationships with that sex.

What I'm saying is yes it's definitely possible you are a lesbian even though you've been in relationships with men but equally you could lie somewhere in between. Either way it's perfectly fine!

You need to decide if your happy in your marriage both mentally and physically/sexually. If not and you both aren't able to work out a way to be then that's a problem because life is too short to stay in it just because you should!

Zapdos · 08/01/2018 22:57

By pestering and going too far, do you mean your husband raped you?

LellyMcKelly · 08/01/2018 23:06

It definitely happened to my ex, who came out at 45. I suspect he’d been dabbling while away at conferences etc., though I don’t know for how long. He’s now living with his boyfriend.

Pollaidh · 08/01/2018 23:08

I think it can be fluid, and attraction is on a scale anyway. Also many people believe there can be a difference between who you love and who you are sexually attracted to. So you could be heteromantic (only fall in love with men), but homosexual. Which is a bit of a pain, really.

Empty Closets is a really good website and forum, and has a whole area of the forum for people who came to the realisation quite late.

Avocadoicecream · 08/01/2018 23:09

Yes with above poster... your husband coerced or raped you? Then you left but him and his mil wore you down?

I’d put the gay question on the back burner and leave your marriage. Get yourself stronger.

ferntwist · 08/01/2018 23:17

Very sorry to hear about your experience OP, that must have been awful.

notapizzaeater · 08/01/2018 23:20

Agree with everyone else, you're not happy, your 'Dh' husband assaulted you. Separate and start again.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 08/01/2018 23:21

What do you mean by pestering and too far?

Did he assault or rape you?

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 08/01/2018 23:24

Also please don't get back into a marriage because you feel guilty and he's crying. Get back into a marriage if you think it will be a positive relationship. Which it isn't if he assaulted you.

What does he say about it now?

I would focus on deciding what to do about your marriage first.

Littlelambpeep · 08/01/2018 23:28

I think this isn't to do with the fact you might be attracted to women. I think you need to sort what is happening with your feelings with dh. Then be on your own. Then in time explore your sexuality. Things haven't been easy for you op.

fizzthecat1 · 08/01/2018 23:28

OP my partner thinks if "doesn't count" if I got with other women (not that I would). My best friend is bisexual and has had boyfriends who feel this way so he might not mind lol!

Original poster
CeNedras · 08/01/2018 23:32

Sorry, understandably a bit jumpy about DH reading this so closed it down when he came upstairs.

He didn't actually rape me, but it felt like that wasn't far off happening, with unwanted touching/grabbing and things like that.

He cried and said it was because I wouldn't have sex with him.

I don't think I'm purposefully withholding it. More that ds's difficult birth/pregnancy (had to have extra operations afterwards), my depression and exhaustion at home have just all added up.

And to be honest after that happened I didn't want him anywhere near me. Still don't in that way.

OP posts:
Ginkypig · 08/01/2018 23:32

I wrote that before you added your newest posts.

Your sexuality is something you have every right to think about and find but at the moment I think you have more pressing things going on.

If I'm reading tight your husband sexually assaulted you, you left him and felt it to be a positive decision but due to pressure from both him and his mother you took him back?

You absolutely do not owe anybody loyalty under these circumstances. If your not happy and do not want to be in this relationship that is an entirely ok choice and no one should ever make you feel otherwise!

It might be a good idea for you to access some support for yourself (not couple therapy) so you have support to help you decide what you want then the support to carry that through.

Original poster
CeNedras · 08/01/2018 23:34

Yes, I think some therapy for myself is definitely the right way to go. Everything is such a jumble at the minute, I'm definitely not thinking straight (no pun intended).

Thank you Flowers I'm glad I bit the bullet and posted this. It's helped get a few things straight in my own mind. It's not all ok is it?

OP posts:
Fallofrain · 08/01/2018 23:37

Hello friendly neighbourhood gay lady popping in!...
I guess my thoughts would be that you don't have to worry about labels, or fit your sexuality in a box. You do you. Maybe your 90% heterosexual with an exception being for girls that look like Megan fox, maybe your 99% gay except when it comes to men called dave.

You don't have to know who you might fancy in the future Just who you want now.sexuality or not, do you want to stay with DP?

  1. you stay in heterosexual relationship with dp. Exploration of your sexuality is theoretical and you remain in this slightly asexual partnership.

  2. you open the relationship up, you get to stay with dp whilst exploring your sexuality.

  3. you get single and explore your sexuality, wether that's dates with men, women or both. Maybe it's just this man that doesn't work for you?

Anyway you find what works for you and makes you happy. I know what i did but not what's best for you

ReallyConvolutedCareerHistory · 08/01/2018 23:38

Placemarking as the Watch thread button does not work in mine.