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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Godparents Failure

93 replies

Pompom42 · 07/01/2018 18:58

So.....trying to cut it short. My eldest daughter now 12 was christened at 6 months old, I thought I chose both of her godparents carefully. One was my best friend at the time I'd known for 17 years and the other was a close family member from my EXH side. Great.
When myself and EXH split the godparent from his side said some mean things about me to him and he told me. It all caused a big fallout and now neither me or him are in contact with her anymore, been about 3 years now. Hence my daughter hasn't seen her in this time and we used to see her every half term.
I haven't spoken to my best friend for over a year. We didn't fall out as such but I noticed where she chose not to have children she has never really been that interested in my daughter so never really asked how is she, how is her schoolwork etc.
So my eldest daughter now has both her godparents absent from her life.
I had another daughter 3 years ago and I'm not with her father so she only has me and her big sister. Again I had a christening when she was 8 months old and thought right lets choose the godparents carefully. I chose her auntie which is her dad's sister so although she doesn't see her father she does see his sister around 10 times per year. The other person I chose was a good friend of mine for 5 years she's very sensible has a good job etc. Anyway we fell out rather badly in July last year. It's been 6 months since we spoke and since then my daughter has had a Xmas and a birthday. No card from her or anything?
AIBU to think that if you are the godparent of a child you shouldn't take it out on the child if you and the child's parent are no longer on speaking terms?
It's really getting to me the more I think about it.

OP posts:
Snowysky20009 · 07/01/2018 19:01

To be honest a lot of people think of God parents as much of a nothing these days- tradition, rather than supporting them through their spiritual journey. How do your daughters feel about it?

Brokenbiscuit · 07/01/2018 19:04

It's a pity for your dc, but if I had fallen out with my goddaughter's mother, I think I'd assume that I wasn't really welcome in her life. Luckily for me (and her!), I'm not the type to fall out with people so I can't see it happening!

Not all dc have godparents in any case - my dd doesn't - so she isn't really missing out.

Original poster
Pompom42 · 07/01/2018 19:04

I know my eldest feels upset about it. I feel upset I suppose as I feel I chose the wrong people. But it's difficult to know what can happen years down the line.

OP posts:
Osolea · 07/01/2018 19:05

The reason you fell out will likely have something to do with it, but either way, I don't think a godparent is obliged to send cards or gifts to a child if they've fallen out with the parents. Especially when the child is so young and contact has to be facilitated by the parent, and especially if they aren't particularly religious.

It would be nice if they did, but it could also be seen as a manipulative or underhand gesture too so I can understand the reluctance from the Godparent. What's the point of sending a child cards if you're never going to see them or have any contact with them?

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 07/01/2018 19:07

Godparent doesn’t really mean anything unless you and they are actually religious. Honestly. It’s really just a “these were my favourite people when you were born” thing. Sending a card isn’t really what being a godparent is supposed to be about.

Brokenbiscuit · 07/01/2018 19:08

What's the point of sending a child cards if you're never going to see them or have any contact with them?

Exactly - the relationship would be gone in any case. Different if the godchild is an adult, of course, and contact can be maintained without the parent's involvement. However, I'm assuming that isn't the case here.

EdmundCleverClogs · 07/01/2018 19:08

AIBU to think that if you are the godparent of a child you shouldn't take it out on the child if you and the child's parent are no longer on speaking terms?

I don’t read that anyone is ‘taking it out on a child’. Your best friend obviously doesn’t have much of an inclination for kids, something you couldn’t really foresee all those years ago. Other people come in and out of your lives, that’s normal - after a ‘fallout’ it would be rather odd if they wanted to continue to see your young children without you really.

Being a godparent doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a job for life. Things happen, people change, drift apart. It’s a pretty redundant role really especially since most people do christenings/godparents out of habit these days, rather than the actual (religious) reason for it. Considering you’ve only mentioned cards and presents, I’m assuming you’re not much interested in the actual role of godparents, just think that once you’ve given friends a special title, it entitled your kids to their attention and gifts for x number of years. That’s not the point of godparents!

Sparklesdontshine · 07/01/2018 19:09

God parents mean nothing, I really wouldn't waste time worrying about it

WhooooAmI24601 · 07/01/2018 19:10

I think it's a shame to not have Godparents play an active role in a child's life if you can; you choose them because they're the people you trust to help raise your child (traditionally I mean, I know from a legal point of view they don't inherit the child if you pass away).

The thing is with Godparents, though, is that you have to make the effort with them, too. You can't expect cards and gifts at christmas and on birthdays without making some effort yourself. Send them a card from the DCs and fill them in on the children's news; it might be mundane stuff but when the DCs get their school photos we post them out with a card to their godparents, when they achieve certificates at school or in sports we send them photos, when we're away they write them postcards. That contact keeps their relationship and bond with their Godparents going when it could have fizzled out.

Caulk · 07/01/2018 19:11

Adopt other people in your church that can support your daughter spiritually.

missiondecision · 07/01/2018 19:11

I think it rather depends on the person who is Godparent . Being a godparent nowadays is merely symbolic unless the person in question is religious and sees the role a duty. Rather than an extension other friendship to you.

peppapigwouldmakelovelyrashers · 07/01/2018 19:12

Do you go to church? Do the godparents? I'm going to guess no, so it was all a charade from the off.
And you do seem to make a habit of falling out with people?

Original poster
Pompom42 · 07/01/2018 19:13

Edmundcleverclogs not once did I mention presents.
My eldest is 12 almost 13, of course she could see either of her godparents without me having to be there.

OP posts:
TSSDNCOP · 07/01/2018 19:14

Isn’t the point of a god parent to provide spiritual guidance rather than cards and presents?

chocolateworshipper · 07/01/2018 19:15

I did some research into Godparents because one of the GMs I chose turned out to be an utter bitch. There is nothing you can do to officially remove someone as a Godparent, and there is nothing you can do officially to ask someone new to be Godparent. However, you can ask anyone you like to be guardians in the case that something happens to you and EXH, and you can ask anyone you like to unofficially be Godparent. It's more important to have a Godparent who would like to take an active role in brining up your child than it is to have an "official" Godparent who was there at the christening. My eldest is now late teens and knows very well who is interested in her wellbeing, who she could talk to if she didn't want to talk to me about something etc, and who is not to be trusted.

Supermagicsmile · 07/01/2018 19:16

Are you a Christian family? If so, I'm sure there are lots of people at your church willing to support your girls spiritual development and religious education, which is what the role of a godparent is.

If it's that you would just like someone to look out for your girls, take an interest etc maybe another family member or friend could take on the role.

user1474652148 · 07/01/2018 19:16

The deeper problem might be that the children do not seem to have many meaningful relationships in their lives, and that is why you are upset. If the father was still with you and you had other close friends you probably wouldn't care.
I wouldn't worry about the godparents and start building relationships that last, and/or fix the old ones that can be mended.
You need a solid strong and loving network.

Original poster
Pompom42 · 07/01/2018 19:17

Peppapigwouldmakelovelyrashers

Yes I do go to church regularly, yes the godparent from EXH side does.
I don't make a habit of falling out with people regularly actually. EXH family member took his side as expected during the split. I didn't fall out with my friend, she isn't intrested in children so we just drifted apart, we didn't have a disagreement as such.
Youngest daughter godparent we did fall out yes.

OP posts:
EdmundCleverClogs · 07/01/2018 19:17

Edmundcleverclogs not once did I mention presents.

I apologies, when you said that birthdays and Xmas had passed ‘without cards or anything’ I obviously wrongly read into that. Is there a religious aspect to your godparents then? If not then I do stick by my opinion you’re being unreasonable, as really that’s the only genuine reason for appointing godparents.

peppapigwouldmakelovelyrashers · 07/01/2018 19:18

She isn't interested in children so you made her godparent? Good call Hmm

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 07/01/2018 19:18

Godparents mean nothing Confused. Well they obviously do to some people!

etap · 07/01/2018 19:19

Someone else can surely support with the invisible bloke in the sky nonsense, surely.

Original poster
Pompom42 · 07/01/2018 19:19

Thanks chocolateworshipper that's helpful.

OP posts:
couchparsnip · 07/01/2018 19:19

It's a shame people drift away but you can't expect godparents to care about kids if the parents don't speak. It would be weird for everyone involved. It's just an honourary title after all, not an obligation.

troodiedoo · 07/01/2018 19:22

YABU. And sounds like you could start an argument in an empty room.

Do you even go to church?

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