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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Godparents Failure

93 replies

Pompom42 · 07/01/2018 18:58

So.....trying to cut it short. My eldest daughter now 12 was christened at 6 months old, I thought I chose both of her godparents carefully. One was my best friend at the time I'd known for 17 years and the other was a close family member from my EXH side. Great.
When myself and EXH split the godparent from his side said some mean things about me to him and he told me. It all caused a big fallout and now neither me or him are in contact with her anymore, been about 3 years now. Hence my daughter hasn't seen her in this time and we used to see her every half term.
I haven't spoken to my best friend for over a year. We didn't fall out as such but I noticed where she chose not to have children she has never really been that interested in my daughter so never really asked how is she, how is her schoolwork etc.
So my eldest daughter now has both her godparents absent from her life.
I had another daughter 3 years ago and I'm not with her father so she only has me and her big sister. Again I had a christening when she was 8 months old and thought right lets choose the godparents carefully. I chose her auntie which is her dad's sister so although she doesn't see her father she does see his sister around 10 times per year. The other person I chose was a good friend of mine for 5 years she's very sensible has a good job etc. Anyway we fell out rather badly in July last year. It's been 6 months since we spoke and since then my daughter has had a Xmas and a birthday. No card from her or anything?
AIBU to think that if you are the godparent of a child you shouldn't take it out on the child if you and the child's parent are no longer on speaking terms?
It's really getting to me the more I think about it.

OP posts:
DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 07/01/2018 19:49

Are you suggesting it was my fault the marriage ended?

Hmm she was very clearly comparing the commitment you made to marriage (for life) to the commitment your chosen godparents made to the children. She was pointing out that at the time, you all believed what you were committing to was for life. How on Earth you interpreted that as blaming you for your marriage break up I do not know!

Original poster
Pompom42 · 07/01/2018 19:49

Oblomov18

Fallen out with quite a lot of people? 2!
One was from EXH family she took his side.
One is my friend and it was my fault.
Haven't fallen out with the other 2
Thanks for your view

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 07/01/2018 19:50

Pompom, i think you hit the nail on the head.
Your idea of a Godparent and what you got were that only joke about
What you wish for
What you accept
What you got...

It's just a case of changing your expectations so you do not get disappointed.

Original poster
Pompom42 · 07/01/2018 19:52

DuckbilledSplatterPuff

Not once did I mention presents

OP posts:
cathycake · 07/01/2018 19:52

You've answered your own question op... I'm not suggesting it was any ones fault your marriage ended it really didn't cross my mind but you did make vows that at the time you meant as did the god parents

Lizzie48 · 07/01/2018 19:54

This is a difficult one. I think people don't put a lot of thought into who they choose to be godparents these days. A christening is just an excused for a party and parents just ask their best friends at the time, or family members. If there's a falling out, or you just lose touch, then of course they won't play the part of godparents in your DCs' lives.

It's sad but it's part of life. As long as your DD has people she can turn to as well as you, that's actually all that really matters. Relationships change, and there's no guarantee the friends you're close to when you have your DC christened will be friends for life. It is sad though.

peppapigwouldmakelovelyrashers · 07/01/2018 19:54

I'm either too sensitive, too caring or I dunno

I've always find people who say this to be neither actually.

Original poster
Pompom42 · 07/01/2018 19:55

cathycake

I know you're saying people don't take things seriously sometimes

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 07/01/2018 19:56

Would you seriously want your child going on days out with someone that you had fallen out with and didn’t count as a friend anymore ?

Gwenhwyfar · 07/01/2018 19:57

What denomination are you? In mine, godparents are just there at the christening. There's no ongoing relationship. I saw it was a much bigger thing when I lived in a Catholic country, but generally it doesn't mean much in my culture (Welsh non-conformist).

BearLeft · 07/01/2018 19:57

Personally, I'd never be a godparent because I'm an atheist and it would be hypocritical. However, some people might just agree to do it to help facilitate the pomp and ceremony a friend seems to want for their 'special day'. I do think you're being a little unreasonable to project your notion of what a godparent should be on anyone, especially your children. Friendships do breakdown, sadly. You might have 'chosen carefully' but life has a habit of not working to a plan. I'm soory you feel aggrieved that your expectations weren't met but I'm not entirely sure your expectations were either that realistic or common place. I don't mean this flippantly but, sometimes, "get over it" is an apt directive.

MaidOfStars · 07/01/2018 19:59

Along with my husband, I’m a guideparent (noone in the group is religious) to our best friends’ children. I have no idea what either of the girls are doing regarding schoolwork Grin

OP, are you religious?

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 07/01/2018 20:00

I know you're saying people don't take things seriously sometimes

Christ you’re hard work OP. No that isn’t what she is saying. She is saying things change. People make commitments they genuinely intended to keep but things change, life happens and relationships change. Just like in your marriage, your friendships have changed.

stoneagemum · 07/01/2018 20:01

With my DS I did the christening/god parent thing as it was just something you did, I chose my sister and a step cousin that was there for me when I was pregnant. Over time they have drifted away, but I could always call on them if I needed support even if it was just a listening ear or taking ds out for a afternoon, which would have to be preplanned. Birthdays and Xmas cards not so important but there was the knowledge that in an emergency they would try to do what they could. Never tested so my just be a false sense of security.

I am a god parent to a friends daughter. Out of the 3 of us that were in church that day, o am the only one that is still around, I visit every so often but to be fair that is because me and mum are still friends. But when I visit I always spend time with my god daughter, I will play a bit, brush hair, tuck up in bed etc, but then I would do that with a good friends child if it was invited even without the 'godmother' title.
Not sure what point I'm making really, just giving my godparent experiences

Sparklesocks · 07/01/2018 20:04

My godmother died of cancer when I was little and my godfather ran off with another woman and left his family, so I didn’t have much spiritual guidance from them! I don’t think it really means much these days, it’s just a title and a nice way to bring friends into your child’s life.

cathycake · 07/01/2018 20:04

No I'm not saying that particularly ... I'm saying at the time you and those friends made the choice it felt right but as our lives move on and change so do we do and things that seemed a good idea at the time now are not

Just as your marriage ended so did the god parents thing.
Be content with the way things are. I'm not religious at all and this is why I can compare those vows you made and those godparents made as the same. Why are any different ? Can your children apply for a divorce from them? And if not...then why?

namechangedtoday15 · 07/01/2018 20:07

The promise you make as a godparent is to help guide the child spiritually (and you make promises to God as part of the service about being a Christian yourself).

There are very few parents that actually choose godparents on that basis - as everyone has said, it's usually friends or relatives and they don't expect godparents to do that, it's just a recognition of closeness at the time of the christening. Similarly there are very few godparents who make those promises in good faith - it's just lip service.

OP, of course it's sad that these people are no longer in your children's lives, but I think unless you're on good terms yourself, you can't expect them to be. It's a tripartite relationship (parent/godparent/child) at this age so if part of that relationship falls away, all of it does.

cathycake · 07/01/2018 20:08

Id personally send the god parents a solicitors letter asking for dissolution of Godparentship. Be sure to mention their absence and lack of cards and for good measure total lack of guidance on religious matters.
Godparents eh? Who'd have em?

Lizzie48 · 07/01/2018 20:12

I have 2 godsons, one a friend's DS (now 16) and the other my youngest nephew (2). I used to give presents to my friend's DS and send him cards but it's kind of tailed off because I have 6 nephews and 3 nieces as well as my 2 DDs. My friend has been very understanding thankfully, as I do stay in touch with her and her family via Facebook and Christmas cards (they live in France). I obviously stay in touch with my nephew and give him presents but that's as an auntie rather than as a godmum.

Hecatethewitchescat · 07/01/2018 20:14

I have 3 children, same godparents for each of them. We chose the Godparents carefully as decided that these people would be the ones who would look out for the kids if anything happened to us. 14 years later all Godparents still involved in our lives. ( my sisters, BIL and one of my best friends).
When we asked them to be Godparents we discussed with them that although it was a religious ceremony / undertaking it was also whether they would commit to being there for the kids should anything happen. Sister and BIL would become guardians with friend and other sister giving support. All happy to do this. They do not shower with cards and gifts but invest time with kids even though we are at present living on the other side of the world.
I am one of four kids all had different Godparents, 3 each , only ones to keep in touch were relatives.
OP - if you don't think the Godparents will be a positive influence/ support for your kids then don't worry about maintaining contact. Just suggest other close friends/ relatives who they can go to for support.

BearLeft · 07/01/2018 20:15

Indeed, @cathycake! Makes me thank the flower fairies that mine are dirty little heathens. I really do respect other people's beliefs and am totally in support of individuals getting whatever crumb of comfort that works for them in this cruel little world. However, if this was the least of most people's worries, churches would be empty, while everyone ran around the park in gay abandon, surely? That said, there's probably something my twisted little soul is missing. Like the christian goodness inherrant in the whole judging other people harshly because they've not done enough for the OP?

WorraLiberty · 07/01/2018 20:19

Assuming your children are also regular churchgoers, won't there be people there that they're close to, who can end up doing the 'job' the godparents were supposed to do?

CPtart · 07/01/2018 20:21

You're overthinking it. I'd be more upset for my DC that I'd split with both their respective fathers. Do their fathers see and support them? That's a million times more important.

Original poster
Pompom42 · 07/01/2018 20:25

CPtart

Yes I'm upset about that too. Eldest sees her father everyday. Youngest doesn't know her father and hasn't seen him since birth.

OP posts:
ADishBestEatenCold · 07/01/2018 20:33

Very recently I was a guest at a Civil Naming Ceremony. There were two adults chosen by the baby's parents in the ceremony, who took a role similar to that which would be taken by Godparents in a religious Christening Ceremony.

At a certain point in the proceeding each of these adults stood in turn and made a vow or a promise that they had written themselves, to the baby and it's parents, about the role these chosen adults would seek to fulfill.

I've never heard of the same thing being done in a Christening Ceremony and it did seem very personal and sincere.

Certainly it remains to be seen whether anyone will actually stick to what was said Smile, but it was rather heartening to find out that the parents' older child (about 5) was there, accompanied by both of his chosen adults from his Civil Naming Ceremony.