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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Godparents Failure

93 replies

Pompom42 · 07/01/2018 18:58

So.....trying to cut it short. My eldest daughter now 12 was christened at 6 months old, I thought I chose both of her godparents carefully. One was my best friend at the time I'd known for 17 years and the other was a close family member from my EXH side. Great.
When myself and EXH split the godparent from his side said some mean things about me to him and he told me. It all caused a big fallout and now neither me or him are in contact with her anymore, been about 3 years now. Hence my daughter hasn't seen her in this time and we used to see her every half term.
I haven't spoken to my best friend for over a year. We didn't fall out as such but I noticed where she chose not to have children she has never really been that interested in my daughter so never really asked how is she, how is her schoolwork etc.
So my eldest daughter now has both her godparents absent from her life.
I had another daughter 3 years ago and I'm not with her father so she only has me and her big sister. Again I had a christening when she was 8 months old and thought right lets choose the godparents carefully. I chose her auntie which is her dad's sister so although she doesn't see her father she does see his sister around 10 times per year. The other person I chose was a good friend of mine for 5 years she's very sensible has a good job etc. Anyway we fell out rather badly in July last year. It's been 6 months since we spoke and since then my daughter has had a Xmas and a birthday. No card from her or anything?
AIBU to think that if you are the godparent of a child you shouldn't take it out on the child if you and the child's parent are no longer on speaking terms?
It's really getting to me the more I think about it.

OP posts:

MoanasPig · 07/01/2018 20:41

Maybe you should pick your god parents more wisely. Why did you pick someone who isn't interested in children, did you think at the time she would be calling you to find out how her schoolwork is going or is this a big surprise. Honestly, I think your being a bit precious. Surely you are your daughters are all each of you need, I know I wouldn't want or allow someone who had been vile to me anywhere near my children.

GoReylo · 07/01/2018 20:51

If you go to church regularly your dd's won't lack religious guidance. They'll meet other spiritual role models there. Unless a godparent/godchild relationship has been fostered until adulthood, I wouldn't see any point in continuing after an end to the friendship.

I have been a godparent four times - purely to help secure school places for the children in question! I haven't done any active godparenting since the christenings and I would hope I wouldn't be expected to! I don't even remember the ceremony dates.

Original poster

Pompom42 · 07/01/2018 20:57

MoanasPig

I'd known her since we were 16.
We were close, then not as close, then close again. She didn't say she wasn't interested in children and really showed an interest once Baby was born etc
It's only as the years passed and in our 40s she told me she didn't think she'd have any children as she didn't think it was for her. Since then I noticed she stopped showing an interest in my DD.
She got a dog and I saw her less and less.
I wouldn't have chosen someone if I knew they wasn't interested remotely in children

OP posts:

BearLeft · 07/01/2018 21:05

It's entirely possible she's just not interested in you or your 'Christian' judgement. You sound quite high maintenance. I'm sure your children, if properly integrated, are hardly bereft. It's highly unlikely their friends - for the most part - have these incredible, mythical, amazing godparents you hanker for either. I mean, the ones with unicorns might but ONLY them.

TheGirlWithAllTheFeathers · 07/01/2018 21:21

I know I have a Godparent but I have no idea who it is. Some GP's are great, some are not. Let it go.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 07/01/2018 21:22

The Godparents fill a very specific role in the child's life, ADishBestEatenCold. No need for the free styling required at a civil ceremony...

schmoozypoo · 07/01/2018 21:24

We chose my son's godparents carefully too my OH's best mate and girlfriend (been together 5 years) and another couple (been together 15 years) we have both known for a long time. The best mate and girlfriend split up and best mate moved away and met someone new and hasn't bothered with DS In over 4 years. Yet the girlfriend never forgets even though we knew her only a few years and OH and best friend for over 20. The other couple split and we see neither (was a very nasty split). Luckily he is 7 so doesn't really miss them but still. Gotta do it al, over again for DS2 who is 8 months, am dreading it lol

NewYearNiki · 07/01/2018 21:39

AIBU to think that if you are the godparent of a child you shouldn't take it out on the child if you and the child's parent are no longer on speaking terms?

Yabu.

It isnt taking it out on the child.

You come as a package with the child and you cant just continue a relationship normally with the child when you have fallen out to the extent that you don't speak to their mother.

As for asking about school work....with respect I wouldn't think to ask or care about a child's run of the mill school work.

When they get to alevels or uni for sure If be interested but bog standard school work? Nope!

Why do you want these people in.your childrens lives after such a major fall out?

crunched · 07/01/2018 21:46

I make an effort with my Goddaughter(14)despite no longer being in touch with her parents. I send cards/presents for birthday as well as the Christian festivals. Most importantly, I pray for her well-being. Additionally I have made a small provision for her in my will.
My second Goddaughter is also my niece, the same effort applies to her.
My DH has done similarly with his Godson.
I would not accept the role, which includes clear promises towards the child, unless I felt confident I could fulfill it.
I would have loved Godparents for my DC but we couldn't find any friends we were sure would be committed til they were no longer fit to be so and, ime, family already should have a special, close and lifelong (different) role in my children's lives so were not appropriate. My DC do think they have missed out on not having Godparents but there we are ...
I don't see why parents choose Godparents if they are not religious. I'm sure a ceremony like adishbestservedcold describes would be a special thing and the promises can be truly meant.

PopGoesTheWeaz · 07/01/2018 21:58

*The Godparents fill a very specific role in the child's life, ADishBestEatenCold. No need for the free styling required at a civil ceremony...(

I shouldn't speak for her but I think Dish's point is that in the civil ceremony the "god"parents made personal promises. When I've been a godparent, I've been given lines 5 minutes before the ceremony and I promise to keep the children out of the devils clutches or whatever it is. My athiest friends arent actually concerned with their children being part of the church or worried about them being tempted by the Devil.

Perhaps if Godparents instead said what they understood the role to be and promised that, they would be more likely to adhere to that promise and there would be less hard feelings 15 years on.

Lizzie48 · 07/01/2018 21:59

I agree with you, Crunched. We thought very carefully about who to choose to be godparents to our DDs, we wanted to choose people who would be committed to pray for our DDs. We asked a couple who we're close friends with for DD1 and they have a great relationship with her to this day and I have confidence this will continue. DD2 has my DSis and DBIL. The only issue is that DD1's godparents give pressies to her but not to DD2, whereas DD2's godparents are her auntie and uncle and give pressies to both of them. I should have thought of that!

LuluJakey1 · 07/01/2018 22:06

I have 4 godaughters and only see two of them. One moved to Leicester when she was little and I lost touch with her parents, another was a daughter of a cousin I am now NC with. The third is very disabled and can not do anything and responds to no one- I do see her occasionally but she is unresponsive and can not communicate at all. I take her out to give her mum a break sometimes but I could be anyone. The other is now 16 and I have seen her regularly since she was a baby. Her mum is my best friend and that has kept the relationship close. I would hope she has felt supported, loved and encouraged by me. I treat her as well to nice things.
I don't see it as a religious thing but do see it as being about support and helping her to develop into a happy person.

LuluJakey1 · 07/01/2018 22:06

My own Ds and DD are not christened yet.

Julie8008 · 07/01/2018 22:07

'Godparent' is just a title for the day to reward relatives or friends. They have no long term obligation to you or your children. If you fall out why would they want to keep in touch with your children. Just move on and make new friends.

DancesWithOtters · 07/01/2018 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ADishBestEatenCold · 07/01/2018 22:29

Thank you, PopGoesTheWeaz!

ADishBestEatenCold · 07/01/2018 22:36

"The Godparents fill a very specific role in the child's life"

Except, from what is being said, it would seem that a lot of them don't, Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar.

Perhaps a little "free styling" beforehand would really make them think about their role and how they might fulfil it.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 07/01/2018 23:00

RE
"Not once did I mention presents". You did imply presents PomPom42, when you said " since then my daughter has had a Xmas and a birthday. No card from her or anything?"

That sentance implies presents and in any case its quite normal for godparents to notice their godchildren on their birthdays and at Xmas because its a way of keeping in touch, and that usually means a gift.
But even if it doesn't, the point I was trying to make was that if you really want them to notice your child, perhaps it's worth trying to rebuild the friendship for the child's sake.

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