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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Godparents Failure

93 replies

Pompom42 · 07/01/2018 18:58

So.....trying to cut it short. My eldest daughter now 12 was christened at 6 months old, I thought I chose both of her godparents carefully. One was my best friend at the time I'd known for 17 years and the other was a close family member from my EXH side. Great.
When myself and EXH split the godparent from his side said some mean things about me to him and he told me. It all caused a big fallout and now neither me or him are in contact with her anymore, been about 3 years now. Hence my daughter hasn't seen her in this time and we used to see her every half term.
I haven't spoken to my best friend for over a year. We didn't fall out as such but I noticed where she chose not to have children she has never really been that interested in my daughter so never really asked how is she, how is her schoolwork etc.
So my eldest daughter now has both her godparents absent from her life.
I had another daughter 3 years ago and I'm not with her father so she only has me and her big sister. Again I had a christening when she was 8 months old and thought right lets choose the godparents carefully. I chose her auntie which is her dad's sister so although she doesn't see her father she does see his sister around 10 times per year. The other person I chose was a good friend of mine for 5 years she's very sensible has a good job etc. Anyway we fell out rather badly in July last year. It's been 6 months since we spoke and since then my daughter has had a Xmas and a birthday. No card from her or anything?
AIBU to think that if you are the godparent of a child you shouldn't take it out on the child if you and the child's parent are no longer on speaking terms?
It's really getting to me the more I think about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pompom42 · 07/01/2018 19:22

Peppapigwouldmakelovelyrashers

You're being quite harsh. At the time we were in our early thirties. I didn't know over time she would show less and less interest in my daughter. How could I possibly know that? Now we are in our 40s she decided she didn't want any children and now I can see it's because she isn't actually that interested in them. Had I have known that 12 years ago I wouldn't have asked her and it works both ways as she could have said no!

OP posts:
Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 07/01/2018 19:24

Ignore the idiots, op.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 07/01/2018 19:24

Two of my three godparents were married and split up when I was about two. The wife lost touch and the husband stayed around for a bit and then drifted off with a new lifestyle. Never heard from them since.

Can't say it's caused me any deep pain. And the other one I am in touch with now and again.

It's one of these things where if it works out well and they are close it's nice, but if they don't it's no biggie.

peppapigwouldmakelovelyrashers · 07/01/2018 19:25

Am I? You picked a not bothered about kids non religious person for a godparent, and are somehow surprised that it didn't go well.
You seem to have entirely missed the point about what godparents even are.

Littlepond · 07/01/2018 19:25

My eldest son's godparents were my 2 best friends at the time. Religious significance too, both church attenders and committed christians. We never hear from either now. Over time, both moved away and I tried to maintain contact, they didn't. 14 years later, no contact at all.
DS2s godfather is wonderful! Also a close friend and committed Christian. He kinda fills the role for both my boys now! He also moved away but kept in touch, regularly sends cards, calls etc.

It makes me sad that the godparent relationships aren't equal. I put a lot of thought into the decisions and both were equally important.

I hope that if my eldest decides to be baptised as a young adult he can chose a godparent equivalent for himself - mentor, guardian or some other title. There are many Christian role models in his life so I don't worry about that but the godparent role was important to me and I do feel a bit let down by his.

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 07/01/2018 19:31

littlepond isn’t your eldest already baptised? How does he have a godparent if he isn’t baptised? Confused

Original poster
Pompom42 · 07/01/2018 19:32

Littlepond

I think that's why I'm
Upset same as you as I did put a lot of thought into it and didn't just draw a name out of a hat as it were. Me and my daughters are very close so I hope that's enough for them as they grow up.
I do have friends that we see regularly and my cousins with children same age as my youngest.
I did have a good relationship with my godparent before they passed away.

OP posts:
TheHuntingOfTheSarky · 07/01/2018 19:32

I was asked to be Godmother to both my brother's children. I agreed as I was flattered despite the fact that I am in no way religious and neither was he or his wife. They live a very affluent lifestyle and as far as I can tell it was "the done thing" as opposed to having any traditional meaning.

I doted on both these children, saw them as often as possible, hand made christening presents for both of them etc. Fast forward a few years when I had my DDs and there has been absolutely no interest from my brother or his wife. They've met DD1 (10 yo) about 3 times and DD2 (7 yo) once. I also had an email from my brother after I had DD2 basically saying they weren't going to be bothering with presents at Christmas or birthday any more, despite the hundreds I had spent on their two before either of my own were born.

Consequently I stopped paying their children any attention. I have some guilt about this but don't think it was of my doing. I suppose I feel that I don't have any "traditional" godparent responsibility as neither the children's parents or I were/are religious. I feel more badly about the fact I am their Aunt and don't ever see them, but as they are now 15 and 17 I am hoping to reinstate contact with them once they are adults and I no longer have to go through their parents.

Original poster
Pompom42 · 07/01/2018 19:33

lamagreyhoundhearmeroar

First time poster here. Thanks Smile

OP posts:
PopGoesTheWeaz · 07/01/2018 19:34

I never saw my god parents growing up and never felt aggrieved by it. There were other people in my life, family friends and neighbors, who were much more important to me then and now.

Redisthemagicolour · 07/01/2018 19:36

We have 3 children each with 3 godparents. We chose people who were close to us but not family members as to us it meant we wanted these people to be as important as family if that makes sense.

So 9 godparents. 2 have gone awol. No big callings out just never see them. They never contact us to ask after the child (happens to be the same one) and in fact one of them is also godparent to a mutual friends child and we have to hear about how great his is as godparent! We actually asked someone else to be honorary godfather to ds but that hasn't worked out either!

Luckily the other 7 people are still involved on various levels. It's hard though isn't it? We are also godparents to various children and sometimes life just makes it difficult to keep in regular contact and time flies by. I actually had this conversation with my 18 year old goddaughter recently. Let her know if she ever needs anything she only has to ask. Told her I'm proud of who is has grown to be and that I think of her often. I explained this to her mum too!

Original poster
Pompom42 · 07/01/2018 19:38

TheHuntingOfTheSarky

I guess I can hope for that when they are older that perhaps the godparents can reinstate.

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 07/01/2018 19:40

I think this is a case of you over investing the job with much more importance then is the case.

Godparents when you lived next door too each other was a different thing , now it's just a passing things...

jocktamsonsbairn · 07/01/2018 19:40

I was asked to be godparent to a work colleagues children. Didn't know her that well and expressed my doubts. Apparently she really really wanted me. She left work after her 3rd child, I moved house and we don't keep in touch. I did try to keep in touch with the children but they then moved. To my Shane I can only remember 2out if the 3 children's names as we were definitely not close and I hardly saw them. To this day I still don't know why I was chosen for all 3.
Only 1 of dds godparents keeps in touch although both of DS' do despite divorce.

JaneEyre70 · 07/01/2018 19:41

I had 4 godparents when I was christened. I'm now 47 and haven't seen or heard from any of them in living memory.......... they were in my parents lives, not mine. Life changes, friendships change and sadly we can't predict the future of them.

ShatnersWig · 07/01/2018 19:41

I never had godparents. It's not scarred me.

cathycake · 07/01/2018 19:41

Im sure at the time when you married your ex husband and you said your vows in front of God that that marriage was for life. After all you made a promise
...... need I say more

Helspopje · 07/01/2018 19:43

3dc
One yet to be baptised
5 godparents between the elder dc
1 in prison for crimes against children
1 pottered off into the sunset ?why
2 had an acrimonious divorce and have v little to do with their former life
The final.one lives far away but is attentive with cards and gifts

So batting 1 for 5 at present

Original poster
Pompom42 · 07/01/2018 19:44

cathycake

How is that helpful? Are you suggesting it was my fault the marriage ended?

OP posts:
TrinitySquirrel · 07/01/2018 19:44

God parents these days are a token gesture, why would they be anything more?

I'd be more worried if I were you if you'd put them down as legal guardians incase of death, just wishy washy friends? Nah. Wouldn't give it a second thought.

Original poster
Pompom42 · 07/01/2018 19:46

Helspopje

It's a shame. I know I'm not the only one in this situation. I'm either too sensitive, too caring or I dunno.
I just wish things were different probably as you do.

OP posts:
Oblomov18 · 07/01/2018 19:47

Tbf you Have fallen out with quite a lot of people.
That is very unusual. I don't know what you expect. Maybe you should be looking more closely at your behaviour/personality, who you chose these people, why you fell out with them.

Because most people don't fall out. I fell out with one friend. Once. I haven't fallen out with any of our 5 godparents. I see them
All, all the time. Surely that is more common?

Original poster
Pompom42 · 07/01/2018 19:48

TrinitySquirrel

That's a good way of looking at it thanks

OP posts:
isseywithcats · 07/01/2018 19:49

One of my godmothers was friends with my mom for 50 years until the day she died first then my mom not long after, she was like my second mom and took being a godmother seriously, her sister my other godmother was so hands off that she didnt even know who i was at my other godmothers funeral hadnt seen her in years since i was a baby, my own children we picked a mix of friends and relatives for all three of them and out of nine they probably talk to about three of them and they are the relative ones

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 07/01/2018 19:49

You fell out with them. Do you really want to rebuild the friendship? It would be very difficult for them to have a godparent relationship with your child if you didn't. If you would like to be friends again, and have them involved in the child's life, why not offer them the olive branch and see if they take it. We thought we'd chosen carefully for our Eldest, but the godparents completely lost interest after their starring role at the Christening, we've had to accept this and move on, and encourage other family friends to take an interest. Godparents for other children, I treat their children as my god children, even tho i'm not - but to return the favour and these relationships have continued. But that only happened because we encouraged it. It's a bit much to expect cards and presents for your child from people you are not speaking to.