To not want a demanding job

[babybels]

I've just started to get back into work after many years as a SAHM and at the moment I'm lucky to work school hours term time only on a part time basis. I'm doing a predominantly administrative job in a field I used to work in before kids.
I come from a family of high achievers some of whom place great emphasis on 'professional' jobs and one in particular is almost obsessed with people being in a professional role. She herself rose from very poor background to a prestigious and demanding job. Her family life did suffer to some extent. She and a few others are constantly ' encouraging' me to fulfill my potential and build my career back up.

However, my situation is very different from hers. I'm a single parent and have 3 children one of whom has some complex needs. He can be unpredictable and very challenging at times and attends a special school.

I had a lightbulb moment the other day after a particularly difficult morning getting the kids ready for school, where I realised I don't really think I could hack a demanding job in addition to everything else. I suffer from depression and anxiety too.

Although I am trained and qualified to do a potentially fairly lucrative job ( think Doctor/ Accountant type job) I'm not sure if I could cope with the hours, demands and the stress of it all. I could potentially work my way up to it but I might kill myself in the process? Should I stay poor and accept that I won't be able to cope with the pressure of a job like that or AIBU?
Thanks for reading.

You need to do the type of job you feel you can manage. Not everyone wants a demanding professional job and plenty of people just pootle along, myself included.

I’m trying to get ds2 to go for plumbing or electrician.

Could you retrain for something that interests you?

It's your choice and if it suits you for now, that's great. Unless you have loads of children or they are very spread in age, the period when it's really hard to cope with a demanding job is actually very short though, so don't rule it out for the future.

I struggled on with my professional job until DS2 was 8yo and then packed up intending never to have a "proper" job again. I was burnt out. I lasted 4 years before I was seeking management positions out of boredom, although the first 3 years in a lowly admin position were just what I needed at the time.

Not u at all. I work in an easy admin role which I almost started my career in over 15 years ago. Why? because the hours are perfect for my family and I don't want the stress of the management role I had before. Also, the hours mean I don't have to pay for any childcare for my 4 young children . It won't be forever but for now it's great and I love it.

I'm similar. Some of my family have been waiting for me to get a 'proper' job for years but, frankly, a career does not and never has been of interest to me. I am a worker but have no desire to be a manager, leader, etc. The workforce needs people like me - not everyone can or wants to be a high flier.

DH and I decided that I would stay at home when we had children. It suits us. I do the lion's share of stuff around the house and DH pitches in when he can. Because I'm at home it's enabled him to progress in his career, which he wanted, and achieve it. He can do a lot of travelling and my being home makes the whole thing much easier - for all of us.

Do what you feel comfortable with. I know a guy with an Oxbridge double first who runs a hardware shop. He's happy.

A stressy pressure type job would send me under. I would rather earn less and scrimp than lie awake every night worrying about going to a high earning job I hated (like I used to before I went freelance).

I had a charity chief exec role until I got pregnant. When I went back after my maternity leave I just didn't have the same drive and determination.

I think my ambition went down the chute with my placenta. DD is now 9. Maybe it'll come back one day.....

I have very little career ambition at the moment. I enjoy my pt admin job, just the right amount of balance between challenging and cruising along thoughtlessly. I work 9 - 4.30 3 days a week, I can completely switch off from work the minute I step out the door but I feel important enough that I know they miss me when I have time off. I feel like I have the perfect balance. Granted, my wages aren't great but the positives definitely outweigh that.

I have just started school hours admin job, job is not challenging but nice people etc

I also interviewed and waiting to hear back this week for a full time more career type job with a prestigious 5* company. During the interview I was told that I would need to be in very early one day a week for a team meeting (earlier than breakfast club opens) and that I may be required to stay late to finish a task, also very strict dress code etc
I worked out that by the time I had sorted childcare for three kids (would need to be several different providers as after school club full on some days) I would spend my whole time stressed running around, kids would have to give up some afterschool activities they currently do and I wouldn’t be that much better off financially due to childcare costs etc
I came to the conclusion that at this moment on time it’s better for me and the whole family for me to be part time and more present at home.

When they were little I worked evenings and weekends as had 3 kids under 5 and meant I was home with them in the day and DH was Home with them in the evenings and we saved on childcare costs which would have been more than I earned.

In the future when they are late teens/left home I will still have 20 years of working life left and be able to do a job I really want to.

Thank you for all the replies. I think I have been feeling under pressure from family members and a few colleagues but mainly my DM who is desperate to get me back on the career ladder.
Reading others experiences has helped me to realise I have to go with my gut feeling and pootle along in admin for a while or maybe even long term. I can happily walk out the door at 3 pm and leave it all behind. My youngest is only 4 so I still get quite a bit of illness to deal with and I often feel stressed as it is juggling it all without a demanding job being added to the mix!

Is anyone else reading this thread concurrently with the gender paygap thread and thinking "well there you go"?

It's clear that the reason we have this gap is that women choose to step back, but why is that? Is it genuinely because they want to or because it's the only way they can cope with work and home? Do women really choose the caring role or is that what society has conditioned us to want. (I did the same)

I need the stress.

A quiet comfortable job will be the end of me. I’ll die of boredom.

Having said that, I have no young children, so that’s obv. Easier for me.

I'm similar to you. After years of worrying and being embarrassed that I hadn't succeeded in other people's eyes, I finally let go of trying to please others and now have work I enjoy. It's unrelated to my qualifications, it's ordinary etc. And at last, people have now stopped repeatedly telling me I really should be doing X. I know several others (both women and men) who have decided the high-flier thing isn't for them, despite being well-qualified and intelligent. Your choices are valid and you should do what you feel is best. It's your life, and you know what it's like and what you need to consider. I don't usually discuss my mental health IRL so most people won't realise why I've opted out of the most stressful work environments. However if a few people judge, it doesn't matter, because it's far outweighed by contentment in finding an enjoyable way forward Good luck with everything 💐

I would love a part time admin job, and am aiming to get one after I finish mat leave with DC2 (currently work full time in a stressful role).

I have said this to a couple of real life friends and they looked at me like I was insane. It does seem that lots of people really value having a career and think others should be high flying and ambitious. Personally I just can't be bothered with that - there is so much more to life than work.

Yanbu

I have enough to worry about with two dcs at school, I find having a stressful job such an emotional drain. It really is.

I see the worst of the dcs and they me - mornings I’m rushing out and evenings I’m tired as are they.

I’m looking to give up work for a year once we've saved up to be able to afford it plus afford to make our nanny redundant.

It's clear that the reason we have this gap is that women choose to step back, but why is that?

For me it’s because I’m the one who’s most worried about my dcs, I run the house and take care of dc related things. A stressful job in itself. Another job on top is a killer.

DH has been head-hunted several times, together we decided not to look further. Family, each other as kids grow and leave home, are our priority. Others are high flyers and we have seen what stress, demands outside home, being away from home, etc can bring and it's not for us. Others think us silly or shortsighted. We think life is too short. Do what you think is right for you and yours OP.

It’s taken me years for my parents to accept I’m not going to qualify more than I already am . I’m not badly paid and to further my qualifications I would have to take a big decrease for two years then work with so much more pressure and stress that I don’t think it’s worth it. Ironically my middle daughter will be qualified in the next six months so they can boast and be proud of her!
As long as I don’t have to worry massively about money my priorities are not really set around work . I’m good at my job and appreciated but I much prefer being off.
I work 3 13 hour shift a week and am off the rest . Works out much better for me.
Do what suits you.

I think one of the keys things is that you have a child with SN which makes things a bit different. I also have a child with SN and work a few hours a week in a low level job. (I had a management level job and a Masters prior to his diagnosis etc).

I just couldnt deal with a stressy job on top of all the stress of advocating for him with school and NHS and also managing his challenging behaviour at home. Plus all the paperwork and admin that goes along with being an SN parent. Also he can’t cope with mainstream childcare so that would be another hurdle. So for my own mental health I just do 6 hours a week of admin. There isn’t another option for now without me imploding. (DH is excellent by the way and has dropped a half day a week to cover me going to work due to lack of childcare options.)

Yes, Believeitornot, that's why I did it too. But why is that, is there something in us that makes us care more or have we (over numerous generations) allowed men to condition us that way?

It depends what your mindset is - do you work to live or live to work? Life for me is what happens outside the 9-5. I am in a junior management position, I know I could do better, and I am encouraged to apply for promotion but I am not interested. I like to do a good job, but I want to leave work behind not stress about it after work hours. I would rather earn less money, be less stimulated, but stress free than earn more, work long hours, have too much responsibility and stressed out. Not for me. I love my work life balance and more responsible jobs would upset that equilibrium.

YANBU. At all. I totally understand some people’s desire for a high flying career, and I have lots of friends who thrive on the pressure and stress. It’s not for me. I work part time now and love it. I enjoy the job and the money is ok. I’m definitely not fulfilling my ‘career potential’ but you know what, so what? I’m happier than I’ve been for ages, my kids are happier and DH is happier. financially things are no different to when I worked FT factoring in the childcare costs. I tried the full time stressful job/career. Wasn’t for me. Don’t let anyone make you feel inferior OP.

Thank you for the replies. Intercom
I loved your reply. Thank you!

I do have a much lower standard of living than most of my family who are all high earners and have enormous houses/ brand new cars and lots of cash to splash. It does niggle occasionally but I don't really talk about it much.
My circumstances are different but I also have a lot to be grateful for and I count my blessings every day. My family do offer to help me out financially at times although I'd never ask for help as I prefer to manage myself as much as possible.

I think that many women don't want the mental load of running a household (which is often done by women to a greater extent even when living with a partner/ husband ), kids and a demanding job. Some thrive on it though and that's fine too!

I am a chief exec of a small charity and pg with DC2. I had DS 5 yrs ago when doing a management role in the same organisation and went back to work p/t but ended up getting promoted to my current f/t role. I've spent the last 3 yrs having recurrent mc and trying to balance work and it's been hellish, especially as the charity has faced hard times and needs my full attention.

Hoping that we can learn to manage on much less money while I'm on mat leave and then I'll look for a p/t role again. I like challenge and responsibility but I can't live with being torn in two all the time.