To not want a demanding job

[babybels]

I've just started to get back into work after many years as a SAHM and at the moment I'm lucky to work school hours term time only on a part time basis. I'm doing a predominantly administrative job in a field I used to work in before kids.
I come from a family of high achievers some of whom place great emphasis on 'professional' jobs and one in particular is almost obsessed with people being in a professional role. She herself rose from very poor background to a prestigious and demanding job. Her family life did suffer to some extent. She and a few others are constantly ' encouraging' me to fulfill my potential and build my career back up.

However, my situation is very different from hers. I'm a single parent and have 3 children one of whom has some complex needs. He can be unpredictable and very challenging at times and attends a special school.

I had a lightbulb moment the other day after a particularly difficult morning getting the kids ready for school, where I realised I don't really think I could hack a demanding job in addition to everything else. I suffer from depression and anxiety too.

Although I am trained and qualified to do a potentially fairly lucrative job ( think Doctor/ Accountant type job) I'm not sure if I could cope with the hours, demands and the stress of it all. I could potentially work my way up to it but I might kill myself in the process? Should I stay poor and accept that I won't be able to cope with the pressure of a job like that or AIBU?
Thanks for reading.

I think, Tipsntoes, that women are naturally more disposed towards worrying emotionally about the dcs whereas men are more practical maybe because of maternity leave, we form stronger attachments? . I suspect if more fathers had the opportunity to take a hands on role then they would be more likely to want to give up the stressful jobs

I'm back to full time as v specialist lawyer.

Also had to deal with special needs for about 6/7 years so was part time for a dozen years.

Do what you have to do OP. But can you keep your options open?

YANBU.

It's so good to examine assumptions in our own heads and in the way others speak to us. I find the people who are the most insistent in offering their unsolicited opinion are the ones who are insecure about their own choices in life and seek to somehow make themselves feel better by judging others.

I really dislike the debate around women in the workplace blah blah because it misses the bleeding obvious. The bleeding obvious is that "full time" hours don't work for anyone. Male, female, parent, non parent. The research proves long hours literally kill through stress and lifestyle related diseases. Never mind the quality of life issue.

The narrative shouldn't be about ooh how dare some of us choose to not work those stupid hours. The narrative should be about how do we reengineer the whole system so that everyone can work a healthy number of hours while earning a living wage.

For starters it seems painfully obvious to me that the solution to unemployment is reduce the legal maximum working hours. Jobs would be created as workload got redistributed. Couple that with a living wage instead of a minimum wage and boom. Society wide shift towards health and happiness all round.

I tried and failed at a proper career. I'm now very glad I did. I have a job that uses my brain maybe 10 percent of the time. The rest is mindless monotony. I love it. I wouldn't admit that to many people. It's taboo to say you enjoy your job and yet it's also taboo to have a mercenary attitude to work. The whole set up is pretty ridiculous to my mind!

I was never ambitious at all, a job and wage I was more than happy

I'm a Sahm. I'm also very highly qualified in a field that is crying out for people of my level - the level I was at before I had my children. I love my life. I may look for something very part time in years to come but for now, I'm happy not using my qualifications and I feel no guilt for that. I want to be at home. I want to collect my children from school and drop them in the morning. I want to be here in the day in case my chronically ill ds needs me. Dh works. He has a very demanding managerial role. We chose it to be this way round. I could easily have carried on working and he be the sahp but I would worry all day every day about my children. That's how I am. Others might not be like that and that's ok. But for me, being a Sahm and not using my qualifications is perfect. Yanbu.

Even with financial difficulties, it's the case for some that taking on stressful, better-paid work wouldn't be helpful for long, as the decline in mental health would make it impossible to continue. Being up for a challenge is one thing, but no-one wants the humiliation of having to leave their impressive new job after a couple of months due to a breakdown. And so if someone knows from experience what they can deal with or what's a step too far, it makes sense to take that into account, and make a life for the real you, not the hypothetical you. So while not everyone will talk about it, it isn't always a choice, but a necessity to live on a lower income.

Sorry not read everything. Baby bels pat on back doing amazing single working parent with 3 kids. I had big job, not very well paid, sexually harassed/assaulted do you know can claim p/t child care? If eligible for tax & child benefit -although stopped at 2 kids..You can get help with registered child care which includes ofsted registered nanny. I only just found out!!

I think wrote too much at once. Just saying jobs for me have not worked out before or afterwards. Hope that helps.

". I could easily have carried on working and he be the sahp but I would worry all day every day about my children. That's how I am. "

I get this. A vulnerable child requires a lot of headspace.If you are having to fight for them it takes up all your intellect too!

I think it’s fine, although be careful, I’ve worked very high up professionally and also the other scale, cleaning, admin all sorts. And sometimes the more professional can be less demanding!

I’m in the same position though, special needs child, half days at school just last term. I paid for extra qualifications only to find that the hours I have available just don’t suit professional jobs, and I’m not cleaning every day it’s back breaking. I’d love an admin job, but not one where you end up being a CEOs mother.

I’m learning to go, you know what, bringing up a special needs kids is REALLY hard. I’ll take my sweet time to get work that won’t drive me to an early grave. We’ve enough on our plates OP, we really do.

babybels thank you too! This is a really encouraging thread, and I'm glad you started it.

There is so much more to life than work! Do what is right for you OP.

Cakes, yes yes yes! The EHCP process took years and I still have many regular meetings/ hospital appointments etc and regular school refusal to deal with. 🙄

Also, DS couldn't manage any after school clubs/ care unless I managed to find someone who was highly skilled and could administer medication, manage highly challenging behaviour etc. I'd also have to pay this person! And pay for care for the other 2 kids!

It's an interesting debate regarding men and work/ childcare and I do agree that in this country we do work too many hours.

However, my ex dh hated being at home with kids and liked the challenge of work and the sense of achievement. He found being at home with the kids even for a few hours on the odd occasion to be boring and hated the household organisation/ chores side and refused to do it.

I think there is pressure on some women to fulfil their potential. My old boss told me I was wasting my brain by deciding to be a SAHM. As some of you have said those of us to do part time or lower level jobs need to be able to feel that's ok too and if that works for our families that's fine.

YADNBU before having DD(4) I had a career now I have a part time job 2 days a week. I used to earn more in a week than I now do in a month - luckily DH has a well paid job that supports us & my paltry pay takes care of holidays & Christmas etc.

I've been out of the game too long now to ever realistically hope to go back & the commuting and long days with unpredictable finishing times would definitely not be child friendly.

But.... I wouldn't change a thing. I used to be so ambitious, I thrived on the stress of my old job. Now to be totally honest I just could not be arsed!!

I get to drop off & pick DD up from school & be around for her and to me that's worth more to me than any pay packet or professional success.

Do what makes you happy & gives you the balance you prefer OP.

Also forgot to add MsJuniper I think stress can have a big impact on our health too. I have had friends who feel stress has impacted on their fertility and possibly caused miscarriage. Wishing you all the best with the pregnancy. 💐

IMO yiulll have more autonomy,more money in a professional job.likely employer will treat you well because of your qualifications/skills and if you go public sector you’ll get some carer leave for child appts and work at home etc

Whilst I see you think the appeal of lower wage job is it’s less hassle. Yes, to an extent. but you’ll be one of many who could do that job so won’t be as indispensable, and the t&c may not be as favourable

What I’m saying is in a professional job you’re qualified for there may be 2-4 other candididates or even a shortage of suitably qualified candidates

In an unqualified role there’s not a minimum entry threshold and potentially more candidates chasing a post

I think if you can earn a higher wage you should, because being a single parent you need that safety net.

But of course you need to balance how you feel able to negotiate demands upon you but don’t assume lower paid job = easier time

I feel the same way. Don’t have children but I do have struggles with my mental health. I’m lucky that my government admin job is actually fairly well paid for what it is but still stressful in it’s own way.

Sometimes I feel down about wasting my life and intellect but health comes first.

The thought of managing other people brings me out in a cold sweat!

OP, thanks for starting this thread.
I have 2 DC with SN and ended up leaving my job a year ago,because the demands of it were just too much and I couldn't cope.

It is different when you have a child with SN. The sheer volume of meetings,appointments etc can be overwhelming-and that's without all the other stuff that comes with it.

I have been feeling like I would like to return to work, very part time, so that I have some time away from the home.
However,I kind of assumed i would have to go back into my old,demanding role and it scared me.

Reading the responses on here has been so reassuring. I am going to look for something that appeals and that I can walk away from at the end of my shift.

OP, you are doing an amazing job alone. Let the rest of your family walk a mile in your shoes before they judge or 'advise' you.

Brilliant thread, this is just the dilemma I have going on right now. I have come to realise I don't cope well with stress at all, I become snappy and short tempered. But like others I come from a high achieving family and I feel there would be raised eyebrows if I chose a low paid low status job. I almost feel I should go for the more well regarded high status professional role as that's what is the done thing in my family. Everyone is a high achieving high flier. But that's just not me. I just want something low stress and part time.

It's great to hear other's views and experiences on this issue, I've been going round in circles in my head over what to do for the best.

I work my balls off in a job that’s sneered at by most of society (even though they use my labour ) but I do the bare minimum of hours needed. I’m childfree so it’s nothing to do with parenthood, a job is just a job to me, it’s to get money for my actual life and spend as little time as possible giving it headspace.

Yanbu and I can imagine you have your hands full in your situation. A crucial factor is wraparound childcare - if it's not available or works out too expensive, it means school hour jobs are far preferable. It makes a massive difference being a single parent and having a child with sen. My dd has asd and although technically she could go to wraparound care 5 days a week, it would probably be too much for her and I'd rather work pt so she doesn't have to.

I understand the feeling of not wanting a demanding career. I've thought about it a lot and don't know what my future holds. I can't manage work stress as well as before i had dc, or maybe I've lost my drive, mayve it was never my dream career in the first place.

Regardless of what others think, you do whatever works best for you and your family.

You're the one who's got to turn up and do it most days, every week, every year.

Don't take them into account . It has to work for you

babybels what they don’t realise is that you have the holy grail of all jobs - school hours and term time!! You need to get into the mindset of thinking you are totally awesome, look at me with my holy grail of all jobs and I was the one that got it!!!

But obviously the downside is you’re not working that many hours and being paid equivalently. But if it helps, I think you’re in a great position!
I agree, you can’t be looking after 3 kids and having a full on career in a part time role. I work part time in a management role, was lucky enough to drop my hours when both DCs started School. But my mum helps a lot and it is really really hard. For me, a third child with additional needs would be an extra priority too much.

And yes to the poster about the pay gap! I’m completely conditioned to taking on child care responsibility, my DH didn’t even consider coming to the hospital for a DCs appointment and never considers school holidays etc. To the point where I didn’t go for promotion (to department head) as I know DH won’t step up at home. Even now I work mostly school hours and am thinking of ways to increase the amount of holiday I can take to cover school holidays. So my commitment to my job/company is less and I then get rewarded less. Yes my choice, but bloody hard getting much done within school hours with having the same amount of meetings/training etc as full timers.

There are part time jobs available that are mentally challenging OP it’s not one or the other. Most of the time with my pt job I can clock off after working reasonable hours, but with the better pay and intellectual stimulation that I wouldn’t get from a more basic admin job

I suppose I might also ask do you know the cause of your depression. Do your family see a different you because you are not getting the job satisfaction you used to

Just musings above, no judgement

The main thing though I am picking up from this thread that having a sen child means a whole other level of stress and challenge so hats off to you all in this position particularly if you are combining it with holding down a job singlehandedly

I'm the same.

I saw a job ad the other day for 'someone who isn't a clock watcher' - this is the opposite of me. I have to clock watch as I've two munchkins to collect from nursery, there's only so much you can do!