To not want a demanding job

[babybels]

I've just started to get back into work after many years as a SAHM and at the moment I'm lucky to work school hours term time only on a part time basis. I'm doing a predominantly administrative job in a field I used to work in before kids.
I come from a family of high achievers some of whom place great emphasis on 'professional' jobs and one in particular is almost obsessed with people being in a professional role. She herself rose from very poor background to a prestigious and demanding job. Her family life did suffer to some extent. She and a few others are constantly ' encouraging' me to fulfill my potential and build my career back up.

However, my situation is very different from hers. I'm a single parent and have 3 children one of whom has some complex needs. He can be unpredictable and very challenging at times and attends a special school.

I had a lightbulb moment the other day after a particularly difficult morning getting the kids ready for school, where I realised I don't really think I could hack a demanding job in addition to everything else. I suffer from depression and anxiety too.

Although I am trained and qualified to do a potentially fairly lucrative job ( think Doctor/ Accountant type job) I'm not sure if I could cope with the hours, demands and the stress of it all. I could potentially work my way up to it but I might kill myself in the process? Should I stay poor and accept that I won't be able to cope with the pressure of a job like that or AIBU?
Thanks for reading.

Whilst I see you think the appeal of lower wage job is it’s less hassle. Yes, to an extent. but you’ll be one of many who could do that job so won’t be as indispensable, and the t&c may not be as favourable

This is the difficulty. I absolutely see why OP wants and needs to keep things low stress, it's just that this isn't necessarily best achieved by not working in a professional role. If it really is a job that's genuinely not too stressful and you genuinely can pootle off without a care in the world, that's great. I just wouldn't necessarily assume that this is the most low stress option available to you OP. But it does sound like school hours too, which can be like gold dust.

What I would do myself OP in your shoes is try to find the least stressful option on offer, but consider whether this might involve use of your professional skills and qualifications. It may do. Without more info it's hard to be more specific and I understand that you may not want to give that.

And I couldn't agree more with this:

The narrative shouldn't be about ooh how dare some of us choose to not work those stupid hours. The narrative should be about how do we reengineer the whole system so that everyone can work a healthy number of hours while earning a living wage.

I've been in nursing for donkeys years. I'm in a frontline role. I have no desire to be a manager. I have no need for the money or power. It's too much stress for not much more money.

I haven't had any criticism for my decisions, in fact my experience as a frontline nurse us generally appreciated by managers, consultants and patients.

I did a professional stressful job for nearly 30 years . I think it's important to consider circumstances and personality .
When I was younger with no dc I just about managed but it would affect me as I worried about clients at night and weekends and may as well have been at work as I cdnt switch off - my dh however was able to and the difference in us noticeable . Kept going when had dc
Got reacurent depression - again dh fine .
Ended up crashing - now in low pay low stress job for which I did not need my post grad and professional qualification - it's half pay but half stress so to speak ! Life changer .

You do whatever works the best for you and your family at the time.

A couple of years ago, I was coasting along in a job I could do with my eyes closed... which was exactly what I needed in the bleary mists of sleep deprivation. I had DD2 who was very, very clingy and I couldn't even pop to the toilet without her wailing at me leaving the room. It was exhausting. Being in a nice, comfy job where I could get 5 mins peace was amazing.

Fast-forward a couple of years, and I'm desperate for more responsibility and actively seeking promotions. I have my eye on a job 2 or 3 levels above me, so I'm quite ambitious at the moment. All that's changed is my kids' ages - they're sleeping through (and therefore so am I), my oldest is at school and happily settled, my youngest is happily settled at nursery and off to school next year, and I'm starting to be able to look after my own mental wellbeing again.

I think this scenario hits women more than men because we're often the ones dealing with sleep deprivation. My OH is very much a co-parent in nearly every aspect, but due to BFing and sleep patterns, I did all the overnights.

daisychain it's similar at my office. I'm surprised when I read on here that people in senior roles have more flexibility. That hasn't been my experience at all. It's the more junior staff who are expected to come in, do their hours and nothing more - not just in offices but also when I worked in retail. The managers would be expected to stay until the work was done,often working unpaid overtime, and would have work mobiles so were on call all the time.

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YANBU OP. You need to do the job that suits you and that you are happy with and to hell with everyone else. If it's any consolation I know how you feel, having had it constantly rammed down my throat about the amazing career my brother has. I don't have a career. I have a job and I'm perfectly fine with that.

otherdoor I resisted the dreaded work mobile for years, because it completely blurs the lines between home and work. You can turn it off when you leave work, but the reality is you know it's there to keep in touch more than just work hours, it's to extend the working day by stealth!

Not read all replies but I love this comic strip - laughingsquid.com/bill-wattersons-advice-on-life-speech-illustrated-in-comic-form/

Some people find satisfaction in work, and progress in a professional capacity. Some prefer to work well within their intellectual capacity to give them time and energy to devote elsewhere - to hobbies/family etc.

Whatever makes you happy in life. Money and career aren't everything. Unless they are to you. And that's ok too.

And I have a degree and PGCE and am now working in an admin role...

My kids have no preexisting health conditions,and overall keep excellent health(touch wood)
When they do get unwell we share the time off,discuss who has most compelling Need to be in work, whomever has least on stays home
We live a distance from our families so no family network, just us
If need be we can work at home if remain contactable

OP you asked about how to deal with sick children. I'm single and work FT and have an agreement with mgr that I hold back my holiday days in case my DCs are unwell and then I take them as holiday, sometimes the same day as long as I contact mgr right away. it doesn't happen frequently but means I'm not taking loads of days as 'parental leave' etc which I know irks some managers/colleagues. It does mean that I don't get to have extensive holidays and can use up to 2 weeks/year for DCs being sick but it's the only way I can do it.

That said I've been at my workplace a long time so have been able to build up a lot of trust with my mgr and so this is allowed. One of the disadvantages of being a working single parent is that you need to have this trust - often built on long term understanding/through relationship with manager - and that makes it harder to jump around from company to company as many do in order to move up quickly. Also once you get into a role that works for your life it can be really risky to move to another 'better job' because you never know what the work culture is like, what the manager is like and what the expectations will be. Just another reason why working women/single women are on a backfoot to men!!!

There are two separate issues on this thread:

(A) minimal stress job/good work life balance
(B) financial security, especially for the future i.e. retirement

Unfortunately with a few exceptions, the two are mutually exclusive. So while it's obviously fine to be happy with (A), there needs to be either a plan to avoid (B) or acceptance that the future will be at best uncertain, at worst involve a high risk of poverty. And of course there's a massive difference between those posters who are sole earners and those who have a working partner, as someone up thread pointed out.

I understand OP. I just have the one DS, who also has SN. The professional job, which I have a degree in, was very stressful, long hours. Part time is very rarely available and if it was, it’s very low pay.

I’m hoping to retrain this year and there’s more part time jobs in the new field I want to train in, which gives me decent-ish pay. I do want to make enough money to support DS needs. I don’t know how tennage- adult hood would look like. But I have a feeling, I would be fighting for support, accommodated housing and unfortunately, money helps A LOT.

Really interesting to hear how others manage kids being ill and work. I have had to take some days off for this already and it does worry me about how I'd manage if I had a more demanding job.
Holding back some holiday and having a good relationship with your manager does seem a good way to manage as mentioned by a previous poster. Summer holidays etc would also worry me if I did change jobs as term time only jobs are really rare.

The long term financial security issue is also something I have to to bear in mind.

I don't know about how much flexibility I'd have if I earned more and took on more responsibility. In some ways less i suspect as the more senior people in my work can do my job (or at least most of it) when I'm not there but if I had a more senior job I wouldn't want to be the one professional who's seen as unreliable and always ringing in sick because of kids / having to leave early to pick up/crisis with child etc.

Also my DS with SN had a long period of not attending school much at all a few years ago ( he refused to go) and the stress of that time is still fairly raw even though I didn't have a job to worry about, I still found it very difficult! I imagine it may happen again at some point especially as he approaches the teenage years.
Thanks for all the responses everyone.

Our nanny looks after the dcs when they’re ill. Being quite senior we are well paid enough to afford it. If not, we’d be screwed.

Sorry you feel people are putting you down. The reality is you have a term time part time job that many people are desperate for! Play the haters at their own game "yeah aren't I lucky it's a great job so many people wanted it!"
You got the job because you're clever and suitable for it. Sure you could do something else but if you're happy who cares? Don't let the buggers grind you down.

I never wanted a demanding job. I would flip burgers or lick stamps, if you paid me enough. An hourly rate I think I deserved.
I now do accounts. I can do it with my eyes closed. Which is good good because as a diabetic, with an ASD child, and another ds, I just need an easy life. 3 days school hours, (part time since Ds1) Suits me and I hope to never need to work full time.

Re: senior/junior flexibility, in my industry all the junior jobs are shift based so absence would have to be planned and covered, whereas as the senior manager I can manage my hours more flexibly, work from home etc. However I'm constantly "on duty" whether I'm there or not, in touch by phone and email etc. I also have responsibility for how well the organisation performs so I can't just switch off, ever.

One of my staff recently said that I set a really good example for them in terms of managing my home and work life, which meant a huge amount as I feel constantly guilty for not giving enough to work or home.

You are not being unreasonable at all; you are considering your own circumstances and what you can offer to an employer. That's a very responsible and thoughtful attitude.

Having a high flying career probably isn't always what it's cracked up to be. Who needs the stress of it all. My Dad had a job like that and it ended up being partly responsible for giving him a heart attacked.

You have to do what is best for you and your family.

daisychain01 the gender pay gap and equal pay are 2 different concepts

It seems the two terms are conflated and used interchangeably in the media and discussions.

For example, today there was a report that a BBC China reporter (female) has resigned because they were being remunerated at a much lower salary than a male colleague, even though they are fluent in Mandarin and have years of experience in the field. They talked about it in terms of Gender Pay Gap.

To my mind, Gender Pay Gap is something companies can do something about, because they can remunerate more fairly. A Pay Gap because women by and large have to take more career breaks than men isn't something companies can control, although they can change policy to remove inequalities in their Pay decisions so talent and potential is recognised across the board.

It is the other way around daisy.

Equal pay is what employers can change by remunerating men and women fairly for performing the same work.

The gender pay gap is a result of the mix of genders and roles in the employee base which incorporates career choices a company cannot influence, such as less women making it to higher paid senior ranks or more likely to have women in lower paid, family oriented roles.