To not want a demanding job

[babybels]

I've just started to get back into work after many years as a SAHM and at the moment I'm lucky to work school hours term time only on a part time basis. I'm doing a predominantly administrative job in a field I used to work in before kids.
I come from a family of high achievers some of whom place great emphasis on 'professional' jobs and one in particular is almost obsessed with people being in a professional role. She herself rose from very poor background to a prestigious and demanding job. Her family life did suffer to some extent. She and a few others are constantly ' encouraging' me to fulfill my potential and build my career back up.

However, my situation is very different from hers. I'm a single parent and have 3 children one of whom has some complex needs. He can be unpredictable and very challenging at times and attends a special school.

I had a lightbulb moment the other day after a particularly difficult morning getting the kids ready for school, where I realised I don't really think I could hack a demanding job in addition to everything else. I suffer from depression and anxiety too.

Although I am trained and qualified to do a potentially fairly lucrative job ( think Doctor/ Accountant type job) I'm not sure if I could cope with the hours, demands and the stress of it all. I could potentially work my way up to it but I might kill myself in the process? Should I stay poor and accept that I won't be able to cope with the pressure of a job like that or AIBU?
Thanks for reading.

Yanbu for now OP. It's v hard being a single parent to young children and almost impossible to manage the demands of a prof role when you're in your own.

But YABU to rule it out forever and I would focus on the long game to consider taking more demanding roles when the kids are older, if only to ensure you have enough income and pension for retirement.

Don't be fooled by a lot of the posters on here saying how great a low stress, part time job is. Most have partners who will be the main bread earners and being in a lower paid job is less of a financial risk to them as they have income via DH.

It's so important for you to ensure you're not risking poverty later in life. And I say that as a single parent of 2dc working ft in a senior job - ensuring mine and their future keeps me going.

I have never felt able to take on a demanding career since first having children 13 years ago. I have a degree, although not in a particularly useful subject, and had always worked in a fairly low paid job sector anyway. I also suffer with depression and anxiety, and know full well I could not cope with a stressful job as well as looking after the house and kids. I have a part time job that I enjoy and has just the right amount of interest, but I don’t have to take it home with me! If you are happy with your job right now, don’t feel bad about not taking on more. The might be a time in the future when you feel able to manage a more challenging job, but deal with that as it comes.

Further to my last post perhaps it is necessity that should make the decision for you. Can you actually afford to only work part time?

I work FT as part time income isn't enough to keep me and 2Dcs afloat so the 'should I go PT or FT' question just doesn't ever come up.

Some people are motivated by professional jobs not because of the stress but the higher pay

I declined an interview recently after being headhunted for a job as it would have involved being the sole person responsible for the role. Where I am now I can delegate my work to half a dozen colleagues that report to me. The money was better but the flexibility means more to me so I don't think you are BU at all!

When I graduated, I was very ambitious and had big plans. At the time I was quite ill and the following year was diagnosed with endometriosis but I pushed on regardless. Ended up in very intense stressful jobs with very long hours and lots of responsibility. I felt that having a good career that I was proud of defined me. Then I was diagnosed with ME. I kept pushing on and at the time was in a job that was awesome but utterly exhausting. Over time as my health deteriorated it became harder and harder to manage and I sacrificed every aspect of my life that wasn't work to be able to continue but in the end even that wasn't enough. By 29 I had to stop working completely and it absolutely destroyed my self esteem. I didn't know who or what I was any more. I became self employed doing something I enjoyed that was very flexible and not especially profitable but which I could manage. It took me a long time to accept that this is how things were and that I was not just my career, and that there was more to life than working myself into the ground for employers that couldn't give two shits about me.

I had twins at 35, one of whom has a serious health issue, and in some ways I'm glad I had all these realisations before I had them. They're 15 months now and I work extremely part time in a fulfilling job, plus do a bit of self employed work on the side when I have time and energy (so not often at all). I'm very fortunate to be in a position where I don't have to go back to earning a big wage but honestly most of the jobs I'd be able to do at this stage wouldn't cover the cost of childcare.

Maybe I'd feel differently when they're older and at school so I'll reconsider them but for now I'm very happy to be focussed on them.

Often a higher level job will give you more flexibility than a lower level one, which is worth bearing in mind.

YANBU. I've always found it a bit odd that people take so much pride in their position (unless they are dean of Harvard or priminister or something like that ik which case fair enough). I've always been of the opinion that you build a career for two reasons: 1. To not be a burden on anyone else so that you can afford to pay for your own healthcare, child's education, childcare, save for retirement, whatever. 2. So that you can save enough to stop working and start doing something you love (whether that is in your field of employment e.g. A lawyer becoming a judge or something else like starting a business, charity work, going back to study etc). But having a career for the sake of status-what status. This country is crawling with professionals, it's not a big deal. If you can afford not to have a stressful job you would be an idiot to have one.

MN seems to have a disproportionate number of people in high flying/high powered, demanding jobs. In RL most people are just plodding on.

RestingGrinchface is right - this country is full of "professionals" (and graduates) and they are often on mediocre wages and will remain on them. I'm hoping DD becomes a self-employed plumber.

Totally with you on this. You don't need the extra stresses which a demanding job can bring- demands on your emotional strength, your energy and your time. I actually think you are amazing for working as much as you do at the moment.
Stick with what you are doing. Resist the pressure from ( well-intentioned but clueless) relatives who think their way is the only way. If and when the time comes that you would welcome a more advanced role and the satisfaction and stresses it can bring, then you can go ahead. At the mo, save that extra time and energy for yourself and your children. Being a lone parent is v demanding in itself.

Is anyone else reading this thread concurrently with the gender paygap thread and thinking "well there you go"?

The gender pay gap is surely not about men taking jobs with higher salaries than women taking admin roles, it's about ensuring equality in pay, so that Man1 isn't paid £40,000 for the same role that Woman1 is only paid £30,000 for. That's a different issue.

Babybels, I'm afraid your issue isn't about your choice of job, it's about the unwelcome interference you are getting from your family. Presumably your DM realises you are an adult and with that, you get to choose the type of work that fits in with your lifestyle choices, including how you bring up your family and your preference for not putting yourself under pressure that comes from spreading yourself too thinly. You shouldn't need to manage your family's expectations, they may "mean well" but they aren't being helpful are they.

Often a higher level job will give you more flexibility than a lower level one, which is worth bearing in mind

Not in my experience. The more you're paid the more likely you'll have greater demands placed on you - presenteeism, demands from line reports, and senior management, tighter deadlines etc. Companies want their pound of flesh. My manager went off sick the other day but as he walked out the door he said he'd keep his mobile switched on. And he worked over Christmas checking emails, That's not having more flexibility.

Often a higher level job will give you more flexibility than a lower level one, which is worth bearing in mind

It does in terms of being able to work at home, go in late so you can make assembly etc etc. But the stress is still there and it’s no longer worth it. I have a job like this!

I think you have to do what suits you and your family best.

I spent years juggling everything and now I wonder why I did it for any longer than it took to be financially secure.

Now I'm a SAHM. I volunteer in two things I enjoy and I do the occasional family tree for people if I want to earn cash for something specific.

I'm not bored. I'm not tied to the house. And, most importantly I think, I have a husband who helped make sure I was set up ok as well (I have a pension that didn't get abandoned when I became SAHM) and doesn't think SAHM = housemaid.

I very occasionally miss my job. However when I've been up all night dealing with DD4's medical needs the knowledge I can do the school/nursery run and go back to bed, or I can deal with a run of 8 hospital appointments in 3 weeks without a boss getting snippy, it makes it all worthwhile.

No-one gets to their deathbed and wishes they'd cared more about other people's opinions. So do what makes you happiest. It's your life, no one else has to live it.

Also don't underestimate how much other people can underestimate the pressure of a child with significant needs.

They see a snapshot of your life. They don't live with that pressure 24/7.

I struggled to cope with my proper career job and took voluntary redundancy and now do an admin job which is term time only.

Its the only way I could personally cope with my home/work life without cracking up!

My life overall is better but I am less fulfilled at work and I do have moments where I feel that I am actually working very hard for my much lower pay its just a different type of hard work.

I am similar. I was a teenage single mum who spent a few years on benefits before getting GCSE a levels and a degree. I spent 10-15 years working hard until I got to senior management and have never been so bored and unfulfilled in my life.

I worked long hours and had no time to do the things that made life worth living. After a few years i quit and have worked part time in much lower posistions ever since.

My kids are grown so this is nothing to do with pressure or responsibilities- work is just boring in comparison to being at home.

You only get one life you have to live it in such a way as to gain maximum happiness and contentment.

For me that was never buying things but spending time with family and friends, reading books, listening to music, going on long walks growing my own fruit and veg I could go on for hours on what I do ............ you need time not money for all those. I only work 20hrs a week and there are not enough hours in the day to do everything I want.

I simply cannot understand people who get bored at home.

I’m a single mum in a low paid, term time job. I enjoy what I’m doing but I am starting to worry about the future. My eldest is 19 and I lost his tax credits this summer which is a significant financial loss esp as I now have to pay more rent and council tax too (second adult in house) but he is only earning min wage for his age so not really able to pay much towards the bills. My youngest is 8 now so I am going to look at going full time all year soon (my second child is leaving college this year so will lose her tax credits too). I will be left with a 12 and 9 yo by the summer hols so next summer they should be able to stay home together when I’m working (13&10 next summer).

My problem though is I’m not qualified for higher positions. I never went to uni for a degree although I did get good A levels. So I’m a bit stuck in working out how to get started on a career and improve my earning potential. I’d like to be earning a min of £12hr - which isn’t much but is enough for me to manage on without help from outside (ie tax credits etc).

I think it is expected that the woman will pick up the chores related to home and childcare. My ex is involved but I’m the one constantly doing the worrying and making decisions around what they need and was doing before he left.

daisychain01 the gender pay gap and equal pay are 2 different concepts.

Equal pay is being paid the same in the same time regardless of gender. Gender pay gap is the average pay of men and women which is lower for women for examples just like this.

YANBU. I'm also a single parent, I work school hours in a menial minimum wage job and that's all I want for now. DS is 4 and while he's young I want a good home/work balance, I don't want a high pressure job where I am bringing work home with me every night. I work hard at my job but when I leave for the day then that's it, I forget about it.

When DS is older and more self sufficient then I will look at something more challenging but I'm happy as I am for now.

I'm looking to go back to work and what I want now and the ambition I had before dd's is very different. I'm holding out for something that fits in with my family. So school hours basically.
I don't get the being conditioned thing. Surely, it's in our nature. Look at the animal kingdom. The mother has the children, keeps them close to her, minds them, feeds, teaches, nurtures them. Does the lionshare in most cases.

Really interesting to read lots of views and thank you for the support. I have managed financially so far by taking in a lodger and getting DLA for my son.
In the longer term my financial settlement with my ex is not resolved yet so I am uncertain of how my future will pan out in terms of pension etc as all these things are still to be sorted out.
I have had to cut back in many ways since we split and decide what my priorities are.
For me I've realised spending time with the kids and exploring new places really helps me to relax and gain perspective on life, so I tend to prioritise trips away over new clothes, and we manage mostly on hand me downs from cousins and friends.

Standing up to those with strong views has always been something I've found difficult so thank you for the many comments on this issue, but as some of you have said my DM had a supportive DH who was hands on, a job in a university that was term time only and no children with special needs so there's no comparison really!
I also wonder for those who do work in demanding jobs how you manage illness in your kids? One of my kids is ill quite often and always has been a bit sickly so I worry about how I would manage that too. I have some family support from parents but they never babysit and are not exactly eager to do the practical stuff so I very rarely ask.

You do the job you can manage with the demands you have at home. For me this is 10 hrs a week while I also meet the needs of my son who has a disability.

I also had a well paid job before.

My DH is supportive and also works, I am lucky that he is hands on but I get every overwhelmed with demands sometimes and no way could I cope with a demanding job on top of it all.

Another parent in my position might be able to do more...but we are all different. I suspect I also have ASD and ADHD which makes life a struggle.

muses on sea horses and other animal kingdom exceptions>
Exactly the reason I wrote 'in most cases'.

You do the job you can manage with the demands you have at home. "
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That's it, isn't it. 🙂👍