...to wonder if we’re the first generation to stand up to MILs?

[BlairBass]

Just an idle thought as I’ve seen on quite a few threads others who have decided that low-contact or no-contact were called for with MIL (and for totally valid reasons!)
But do you think we’re the first generation to have the strength of mind or defiance of social norms to do this?
It seems to me that historically If you got a dodgy mother in law you just had to put up with her... it would have been so far outside of society/family values to simply refuse to see her.
I think it’s wonderful and the way of the future - but I wonder why so many MILs are so determined to be intrusive, judgemental, rude, etc. Would they do this if it was a very real option that they’d lose contact with their son’s wife and children? Hmmmm...
also, I am sure there are many ghastly daughter in laws too, I just don’t hear so many stories 😉

My mum went low contact with her own mother and my MiL because, tbh, they’re both awful. Visits to them were always brief and supervised. Having learned more about them as an adult I’m v proud of my mum for being brave enough to protect us from them!

No; not the first generation to stand up to difficult MILs - strong women are not a new phenomenon.

Totally agree with you. My MIL is passive aggressive at best, judgemental, opinionated and domineering. I could cite many, many instances of her inappropriate and vile behaviour but it would read like a novel. She called me by DH's previous girlfriends name for the first 2 years we were together... Came for Christmas lunch and was vile again, after 20 years of her shit I cant take any more. She's cut off.

In fairness we're probably only the third or fourth generation that's married into families our own family doesn't know, whilst living in communities where not everyone knows one another.

120 or so years ago it would have been very rare to meet and marry someone whose family you hadn't grown up knowing, and without the support of your own family and community around you. You'd know if someone's mother was as mad a sack of wet weasels well before getting involved with them.

My mums always been nc with my dads mum. She didn't come to the wedding or make any contact when my mum was pregnant. She happened to bump into her shortly after giving birth when MIL (can't even call her gran) came marching over declaring "Lets have a look at MY grandson then?" - not even a hello. Mum turned the pram and walked away.

TBF she was a horribly abusive parent to 6 out of 7 of her children (youngest had a different dad) so I don't blame my mum for saying no way.

Seriously? This is a joke, right?

n fairness we're probably only the third or fourth generation that's married into families our own family doesn't know, whilst living in communities where not everyone knows one another

also a joke, one hopes.

@mumonashoestring : yes yes. Have never seen it articulated that way, but you're absolutely spot on.

At least in the olden days if you emigrated or even moved away you would know there wouldn't be much meeting up afterwards. Now you're expected to be on Skype or a plane every two minutes.

Let's not forget people died younger as well...

I think it has more to do with the characteristics of the generation that the MILs are from.

And the FILs. Don't forget them. .

also a joke, one hopes

Dear me. I take it social history has sort of passed you by? Social mobility - geographic and economic - is a pretty new thing for the majority. Even those who travelled for work (service, sales) were often expected to return 'home' to settle down.

My mum stood up to her MIL for years but they both mellowed with age and actually became good friends. I still remember my grandparents ruby wedding and my parents arguing...my mum didn't go to the family meal. She did go to their 50th, 60th and 70th anniversary shindigs though.

Dear me. I take it social history has sort of passed you by? Social mobility - geographic and economic - is a pretty new thing for the majority

Not a three generation new thing, ffs. Read a book, stat.

The arrogance of thinking you invented such things! Women have been standing up to MIL's since such a thing invented, and there are plenty of women now who do not.

Confused by ‘we’re the first generation’ considering there are probably more than 1 generation of people on here with MILs. I know there are people on here in their 20s...I’m nearly 50...hardly one generation.

Quite.

No my mother stood up to her MIL. She had no problem doing it

Sorry - I suppose I meant more than one generation but using myself as an example: I’m 41 and would never have even thought of low or no contact as an option when younger - I’ve only gotten strong enough later in life and stopped being such a people-pleaser and also seeing how other, stronger women have taken that approach. But I still get a lot of opposition from DH and other members of the family who admit that MiL is difficult “but she’s his mother, etc, etc.!”

Erm I take it you havent done much geniology? "Dead ends" are common.
In the past it was harder to go NC and stay living in the same town, but people often left and never looked back: they emigrated, joined the missions etc.

NC is not new its just more visible.

The arrogance of thinking you invented such things

Oh good lord, if you're not going to read what people are posting then don't bang on at them about literacy dear. Everyone else is trying to have a conversation and in you bound having decided you already know what's going to be said and rattling your sabre against it. It only works if people have actually written what you're getting irate about, not if you have to twist the phrasing to fit the rant.

Hang on - judgmental, rude... MIL?

Social mobility - geographic and economic - is a pretty new thing for the majority

No, it isn't. Sure, it's come and gone in waves, but new it is not.

FWIW, you get medieval women standing up to their mothers-in-law about all sorts of things. Evil mothers-in-law are stock figures in medieval stories (to be taken with a pinch of salt).

As long as we have a patriarchy where women are pitted against each other, we'll have these stereotypes.

Hahaha, no, my mother was doing it in the 60s and 70s.

I'm sure there were women in ancient times standing up to their MILs as well.

WRT the mobility. My family were mostly working class and there was massive mobility. People shagged and pretended they married and had kids with military types. Merchant navy. Mill workers were quite mobile; they had transferable skills. Even going back through the family tree there was movement from Scotland to England and/or NI and back.

Maybe the English didn't move but the Scottish and Irish diaspora have been on the move for some hundreds of years.

I'm very wary of people who make you feel sorry for me them.
Put on sad faces etc.

I don't think we sure first generation but we can share so much mire now, and learn about common themes, and share stories whereas in past...

Unless I'm mistaken, @mumonashoestring isn't saying that we're the first generation to push back against problematic MILs.

Instead, as I read it, she's suggesting that for most of human history, a prospective MIL was a (deeply) known quantity, and that a prospective DIL was able to decide whether or not to jump into the matrimonial fray with that knowledge in hand.

And she's absolutely right.

In more "stable" social groups (groups like the aristocracy, for example) that have largely defied shifting cultural norms and kept firm in group out group barriers in place, one is definitely able to learn what a family is like, down to details, and for generations, with minimal effort.

Ditto an individual.