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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to wonder if we’re the first generation to stand up to MILs?

105 replies

BlairBass · 06/01/2018 19:17

Just an idle thought as I’ve seen on quite a few threads others who have decided that low-contact or no-contact were called for with MIL (and for totally valid reasons!)
But do you think we’re the first generation to have the strength of mind or defiance of social norms to do this?
It seems to me that historically If you got a dodgy mother in law you just had to put up with her... it would have been so far outside of society/family values to simply refuse to see her.
I think it’s wonderful and the way of the future - but I wonder why so many MILs are so determined to be intrusive, judgemental, rude, etc. Would they do this if it was a very real option that they’d lose contact with their son’s wife and children? Hmmmm...
also, I am sure there are many ghastly daughter in laws too, I just don’t hear so many stories 😉

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 06/01/2018 21:32

As with the news, the internet has made it more 'global'. Pre-internet you wouldn't really know how many people stood up to their MiLs (or their DMs, FiLs, or DiLs for that matter). You only knew about your own social circle and perhaps their family's. So you may have known that Susie over the next block told her MiL off because your sister lives next door to her and heard it, but you wouldn't know that 500 other women in the nation did the same thing that day.

So no, you aren't the first generation. You're simply the first generation to have to internet to 'publicize' it worldwide.

Batteriesallgone · 06/01/2018 21:32

Harriet that is so true and depressing. Wow hadn’t even thought of that

Batteriesallgone · 06/01/2018 21:32

*ever sorry

Kidsarekarma · 06/01/2018 21:34

I think it has more to do with the characteristics of the generation that the MILs are from.

What does that even mean?

MrsFezziwig · 06/01/2018 21:36

Fafoutis
I think it has more to do with the characteristics of the generation that the MILs are from.
And which generation would that be exactly? Confused

Graphista · 06/01/2018 21:36

"Nc is too easy." - you done it? I don't know anyone who has made the decision easily, without extreme pressure from the family and others and without having a damn good reason.

Tanith mens mil's (and fils) are criticised more on other forums, mn is frequented more by women.

My mother never liked my ex and he was and still is shit scared of her.

His current mil no big fan of his either - she has good reason - he got her 17 yr old dd pregnant while still married to me! Then when her dd went into labour he was out on the piss and wouldn't answer his phone, I believe he's made it to 2 of her dds births (they have 5 DC) 1 he was even sober for - but to hear my ex tell it SHE is the problem. I have met her a few times (not much older than ex and I) and I think she's lovely and very patient - but I accept I'm biased. Grin

wheresmycat · 06/01/2018 21:39

ouch Harriet that's one to think about

Lizzie that's what I'm worried about. 30 weeks at the mo an all my preggo anxiety has been about managing family relationships (it's possible MN not good for me in this regard!), especially with MIL. She's very much on our side, in general, but as she's become more comfortable with me/more excited about the baby she's got more pushy (unwanted advice) and intrusive (droppping round unannounced).I'm going to have to re-set some boundaries with her which I've never had to do as things have always been very respectful-not something I'd normally struggle with but I feel dead soft at the moment. To be fair DH will do it if I ask but I think for my own sake I need to say my bit Confused

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 06/01/2018 21:44

What an hilarious thread title. 😂😂😂

Also, no.

StripeyMonkey1 · 06/01/2018 21:56

I wonder why we are concerned about standing up to MIL rather than FIL? The whole premiss is so sexist: older women are a problem. When is this going to change?

It all seems a little bit of a female version of stags butting heads to me, the relevant question being: who is the true matriarch here?

Maybe problematic MIL (and maybe sometimes also oversensitive DIL!?) are the reality, but i find it pretty sad.

Lizzie48 · 06/01/2018 22:04

The reason why it's the MIL who is seen as interfering rather than the FIL is because the FIL doesn't do anything in the home generally. He just lets the women do all the work, as does the DH. Hence the complaints about MIL taking over the kitchen or going into the couple's bedroom to clean and tidy up. The FIL just wouldn't be doing anything anyway. I'm generalising of course!! Grin

Hellothereitsme · 06/01/2018 22:05

As the mother of two boys I find these threads so sad and stereotypical.

toconclude · 06/01/2018 22:13

" Mumonashoestring tries to make an intelligent comment about social mobility and gets shot down for it. Jeez."

People with more knowledge of the subject have pointed out where she is in error. How dare they!

sigh

StripeyMonkey1 · 06/01/2018 22:20

Yes, I agree Lizzie. It's the MIL who is often actually helping with the household and the kids, even in an interfering way. When is the apathy and failure of the FIL going to attract the same vitriol?

AcrossthePond55 · 06/01/2018 22:24

Me, too Hello. And I'm a MiL. As much as I love my DiL I have to admit that these types of threads make me a bit trepidatious about what I say to her or how I phrase a suggestion. It's a shame. My MiL (a true star) wasn't afraid to (nicely) suggest a different way of doing something or to give me her honest opinion. I wonder if I'd have been as open to her helpfulness if there had been a MN 20 years ago full of 'My MiL is/does.....' threads or if I'd have been more 'suspicious' of her motives. I hope I would still have seen her for the lovely woman she was. I still miss her.

Beansonapost · 06/01/2018 22:28

My MIL & FIL saw it fit to tell me how they feel etc!

I sent an email in the evening because at the time I was in tears... so I composed myself and responded accordingly. Neither have seen their grandchildren since... and I'm happy with that. Although MIL in step mother to my DH and I let her know she's no grandmother!

You don't get to treat people like shit and not expect consequences! I don't play those games! Also I am not British! So don't tend to be British about things unlike my DH.

I don't know if it's a generational thing, I just think women have always stood up for themselves some maybe in more passive ways.

wheresmycat · 06/01/2018 22:35

Acrossthe/Hello personally some of it is that I'm much more comfortable telling my own DM to just back off, as I have done on many occasions. Now I have to do it with MIL for the first time in 8 years and I'm worrying about it. I don't want to be daughterly with her but I have a huge amount of love and respect for her. It's just that she's begun to treat me like one of her children and I don't actually like it, as I don't have the same level of pushback I do with my own family.

Sorry seem to be using the thread to think aloud!

Newyearnewyew · 06/01/2018 23:13

Lrd fil couldn't care less about the arena of child rearing he was a business man, Mil tells him something and that's his word of law.

Newyearnewyew · 06/01/2018 23:17

Where's my cat, that's a great point. Push back and this is something I have seen in common on many threads here.

If parties involved are rational and the son has an easy and good relationship with his parents... And he can easily push back, issues are likely to be minimal.
However a common thread I see is dh who simply don't have a good relationship with their dp, so they get put upon or told what to do and they can't push back, then the dil gets dragged into this whirl pool of no boundaries and gets trampled on to

Newyearnewyew · 06/01/2018 23:19

Why is that hello.

ArnoldBee · 06/01/2018 23:21

Nope my great grandparents moved from Norfolk to Nottinghamshire during thecwar to be rid of MIL!

AcrossthePond55 · 06/01/2018 23:56

where's I agree there's a fine line. My DiL is not my own child and I wouldn't treat her the same as I do my sons as far as giving them my opinions bossing them. And I expect she feels the same about me. I'm not her mum, but I'm more than just a 'friend'. I do agree that it's best, as newyear says, when the husband has a good relationship with his parents. I know that if I stepped over a line with DiL that my son would find a nice way to let me know. I'd hope that DiL could do it herself, but it is hard and I wouldn't be angry if DS1 was the one to bring it up. And I'd much rather know if I was crossing a line than for resentment to build up. I'm lucky in that I can't ever see my DiL being picky or unreasonable about anything I did, and I can't see myself rearranging her cupboards or peeking in her bureau.

I think the thing is, that I know that now I'm number 2 in DS1's life. And that's the way it's supposed to be. His first loyalty is to his wife, not to me. And I was happy to take that 'back seat'. She loves him and I gladly 'gave' him to her (in my heart) the day they married. They will take care of each other now. It's no longer my job. My 'job' is to be there for both of them and to enjoy (from a distance) the life they are building together.

I think, if you are finding that your MiL is starting to 'blur the lines' that you are better off in trying to talk to her before resentment starts to build in you, or the habit gets ingrained in her. Just speak to her the way you'd like to be spoken to.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 07/01/2018 00:24

No of course not

We live different lives, work is often different, life experiences and expectations are but the way we interact with people and our relationships hasn’t really changed

And you will hear the same complaints worldwide, and in a 500 years time human relationships not matter how far we advance in other ways will always be complex

Marriedwithchildren5 · 07/01/2018 00:25

Graphista"Nc is too easy." - you done it? I don't know anyone who has made the decision easily, without extreme pressure from the family and others and without having a damn good reason.

I have read many threads. 3 today in fact. Which encourage and support nc. Yes dh and I have gone nc. A decision made by dh with his past etc. So when I read mil pissed me off because she opened dc present (complete example) I have decided nc and everyone agreed. Yes i think people forget you can talk. You can argue and disagree and get on with life. All very dramatic at times!

peppapigwouldmakelovelyrashers · 07/01/2018 00:27

Mumonashoestring tries to make an intelligent comment about social mobility and gets shot down for it. Jeez

That may have been the intent but it was not an intelligent comment, its misunderstood the very term used!

MrsFezziwig · 07/01/2018 09:04

MN is completely untypical of real life. Hardly ever do I see a thread about how lovely their MILs are and how they help out with childcare etc. Why, because it’s boring (or real). I have a reasonably wide circle of friends and work colleagues. Don’t know one single person who has gone NC with their PILs. Yes there are differences of opinion and it’s not unreasonable for people not to want to live in each others’ pockets, but I think it is sad when children are totally deprived of a relationship with their grandparents.
And to put a different take on the situation, a lot of the problems are caused by weak-willed DHs who aren’t prepared to stand up to their parents and allow their wives be cast as the bad guys.