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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is passive aggression?

121 replies

Vickers0009 · 06/01/2018 08:45

I am not sure if I am over reacting, but last night was the last straw that broke the camel's back.

I have a lodger who is renting my room, he come across as mildly aggressive out with jive like - you have mood swings, (sometimes, I just enjoy my own time) and ask stupid questions such as "did you turn the internet off, do you need to use the kitchen? have you turned the water off? Little remarks, which I find really annoying and offensive at the best of time. Why would I turn the water off? When I explained that the all area had no internet - again, he did not believe this explanation, believing that I turned the internet off.

I have made it clear to him that the central heating is not on any timer - so, if he felt cold, he could turn it on at any time. Recently, I have been having problems with the water pressure, which causes the boiler to fails. I have shown to him how to increase the water pressure and get the heating back on, just incase I am not at home.

I have been down with a terrible cold and cough in the last few weeks and went to bed early last night. I woke to a text message telling me to do something about the central heating because the house was cold. I pointed out that I had already shown him how to increase the pressure if the boiler fails.

According to him he is not good at DIY. AIBU to expect that he should man up as it takes less than a minute to increase the water pressure?

OP posts:

SofiaAmes · 06/01/2018 09:51

Vickers0009 as someone who has rented rooms for decades, I would agree with others that having a lodger may not be the best thing for you. The question "did you turn the internet off" is a perfectly normal thing for someone to ask when the internet isn't working. And the normal response from you would be "no, it's out in the whole neighborhood." I have had this exchange dozens of times with my lodger/teenagers/house guests. Similarly, my lodger/dd would always ask me if I was intending to use the kitchen before embarking on a cooking project themselves. In both cases it's the lodger recognizing that it's your home and he is deferring to your authority over it and being respectful and polite.

A lodger has a very different relationship to his living quarters/landlord than a tenant. A lodger lives in your home and you are primarily responsible for the daily operation of the innards of that home (heating schedule, light bulbs, operational internet). You don't get to say "I've been sick for a few weeks and can't be bothered making sure the boiler works at all times." A tenant lives in their own home which they rent from the landlord and the tenant gets to decide when the heat is on or the kitchen gets used and the landlord is only responsible to make sure that the essentials are operational. If you are finding the responsibility of being responsible for the daily operation of your home for the lodger trying, then perhaps you shouldn't have a lodger because it's a pretty normal interaction. Also, as the others said, you need to either get the water pressure sorted on the boiler, or offer the lodger a discount on the rent.

Tippz · 06/01/2018 09:53

@Vickers0009

There is nothing wrong with the boiler except that the water pressure drops and it need to be topped up.

Erm, so yeah there IS something wrong with the boiler, and no he should not be messing about with it.

I can't believe people are having to tell you this.

Get the boiler sorted, and don't expect your lodger to MAN UP and sort it. I hope you are doing your job as a woman, and doing his washing and ironing for him.

Redphone · 06/01/2018 09:53

Sofia has put it very well.

Kiki275 · 06/01/2018 09:54

I've been a paying lodger in a house and I don't take it to mean that I have no responsibility towards house upkeep.... i.e. when in the shower, the window needs to be opened to prevent condensation (I do not expect the LL to install an extraction system). If it's an easy fix, then just get on with it, especially if you've prior warning. It is give and take. Does he do his fair share of cleaning, does he cook for you or does he expect a housekeeper to be included in his rent?
People don't take in lodgers because they've got lots of spare cash to throw around and boilers aren't cheap. I don't think it's an unreasonable task for him and if he thinks it is, then you may be better parting ways and taking in a lodger that's more accepting.

SandyDenny · 06/01/2018 09:55

Slightly OT but what's the arrangement for splitting the bills, hot water on all the time and a fan heater sounds like a recipe for huge bills, do you need the water on all the time?

WeAllHaveWings · 06/01/2018 09:59

If you (clearly) don’t like your lodger and what appear to be reasonable requests/questions, give him notice and find a new one.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 06/01/2018 10:02

I think that if I was paying to live somewhere the internet and heating kept going on the blink I'd be a bit annoyed. Asking about the kitchen is just polite.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 06/01/2018 10:03

And windows open all the time in January would annoy most people TBH.

bigsnugglebunny · 06/01/2018 10:08

So many people are focussing on the boiler, rather than the point of the post. Ours does the same sometimes, we rent through a housing association and the boiler is regularly serviced and is less than 5 years old. The first time it happened, I called them and they talked me through which tap to turn to put the pressure right and said if it happens again, to just do the same thing. It's normal and it happens on occasion, nowt wrong with the boiler.

I can understand where you are coming from OP, and even though it might be something as mundane as "are you using the kitchen" - you will pick up on the tone of voice, body language etc.

IWillSurviveHeyHey · 06/01/2018 10:11

No he's not being passive aggressive at all; he's asking you in quite a clear manner!! I'd be really frustrated being your lodger. Sort it out!

Original poster

Vickers0009 · 06/01/2018 10:12

@SofiaAmes, the heating issues was last night. I have been ill but the heating and hot water has been on - he has access to turn the heating on and off. I guess the issues last night was that I went to bed early because I was not feeling too great.

The topping of the water pressure is usually done as soon as I am aware of it - again, I cannot say that I am being unreasonable on that - I have shown him how to do it in case I am not around. Why would I turn the internet off? He is aware that I have a business that I run from home and the internet is part and parcel of the business- without it, I cannot do my business. I phone BT and they told me that the whole area was affected but they could not give me details when it would be fixed, but they were working on it. That's what I told him.

I cannot recall any day when the heating as been off for the whole day or even 2 hours. I was in bed early last night and woke up about 8 pm and sorted it out. The question whether I had turned the water off - again, I was in bed. Why would any normal person turn the water off just from the basin in the bathroom but shower, toilet and kitchen still has water?

I have had lodgers before and I have not had any of these issues before.

OP posts:

wrenika · 06/01/2018 10:15

It's your responsibility, not his. I'd be a bit peeved if I were him!

Original poster

Vickers0009 · 06/01/2018 10:15

@Eltonjohnsyrup, the windows in my bedroom! The house is too hot

OP posts:

Pengggwn · 06/01/2018 10:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Vickers0009 · 06/01/2018 10:16

@bigsnugglebunny, thank you! There is nothing wrong with the boiler, it's the first time that it's happening this year. The boiler was serviced last year but will get it checked again

OP posts:

Original poster

Vickers0009 · 06/01/2018 10:17

@Pengggwn, because he is cold at night. But also have a fan heater in his room. What time should the heating to be turned off, if we are all in bed?

OP posts:

BashStreetKid · 06/01/2018 10:19

He's a lodger. It's really not his responsibility.

But being the landlady doesn't make OP his servant. When you share facilities, a bit of give and take is reasonable.

It's obviously incorrect to accuse OP of not bothering to get the boiler fixed, she's explained that she got someone to service the boiler, asked him to sort out the problem but he couldn't.

When there is a clear arrangement that the landlady is happy for the lodger to use the kitchen at any time, it is pretty PA to keep badgering about it.

But what seems to me the worst thing, which again people seem to have missed, is his accusing OP of mood swings just because she wants to be on her own. That's right out of order.

BashStreetKid · 06/01/2018 10:22

OP, so far as I know most people set the heating to go off when they go to bed, or at least when they turn the lights out. It's mad to heat the entire house just because one person might wake up and want to warm their bedroom.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 06/01/2018 10:23

Windows open in January wouldn't just make your room cold though would it?

I really can't see anything wrong with what he's saying TBH.

12345OnceCaughtAFish · 06/01/2018 10:23

There's a lot of entitled spoilt brats on this thread from the sound of it. Almost everyone pays to live somewhere, paying rent doesn't mean you should expect your arse wiped for you! Adults should be able to perform minor tasks around the house and the boiler pressure is a minor task. If he doesn't like it he should go pay to live in a hotel. What does he do when a light bulb needs changing?

Original poster

Vickers0009 · 06/01/2018 10:24

@Kiki275, rent is all inclusive and I do not ask for anything else. When I have guests, I usually invite him to eat with us. He does not do the cleaning.

OP posts:

PuppyMonkey · 06/01/2018 10:26

I don't really understand all the ins and outs of How your heating and hot water are controlled tbh but it sounds to me like you need a new boiler.

I hope you're charging him extra for electricity if he's got a fan heater going all night.

mustbemad17 · 06/01/2018 10:27

When i briefly lodged in someone's house it was a flatmate type arrangement. Which meant i took fair share of basics because i was using stuff! When things went tits up on a minor level - bulb blew, boiler issue etc - i fully expected to do my share of dealing with it.

If he wants a LL that jumps at his demand he needs to buggar off & rent a place to himself at more cost. What would he do if he lived alone & the internet went off, accuse a ghost of turning it off? Pfft

Pengggwn · 06/01/2018 10:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tenbob · 06/01/2018 10:31

I can't believe the amount of responses from people who wouldn't know how to top up the pressure on the boiler

It's such a simple job - it is turning on a tap ffs! No more difficult to turning a thermostat up or turning an individual radiator up or down.

The lodger sounds like a total pain in the arse, OP
Can you give him notice and get in someone with more than a few brain cells..?

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