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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is passive aggression?

121 replies

Vickers0009 · 06/01/2018 08:45

I am not sure if I am over reacting, but last night was the last straw that broke the camel's back.

I have a lodger who is renting my room, he come across as mildly aggressive out with jive like - you have mood swings, (sometimes, I just enjoy my own time) and ask stupid questions such as "did you turn the internet off, do you need to use the kitchen? have you turned the water off? Little remarks, which I find really annoying and offensive at the best of time. Why would I turn the water off? When I explained that the all area had no internet - again, he did not believe this explanation, believing that I turned the internet off.

I have made it clear to him that the central heating is not on any timer - so, if he felt cold, he could turn it on at any time. Recently, I have been having problems with the water pressure, which causes the boiler to fails. I have shown to him how to increase the water pressure and get the heating back on, just incase I am not at home.

I have been down with a terrible cold and cough in the last few weeks and went to bed early last night. I woke to a text message telling me to do something about the central heating because the house was cold. I pointed out that I had already shown him how to increase the pressure if the boiler fails.

According to him he is not good at DIY. AIBU to expect that he should man up as it takes less than a minute to increase the water pressure?

OP posts:
BashStreetKid · 06/01/2018 09:17

I must say, I wouldn't want to give a lodger carte blanche with the heating system, I'd hate it having the entire house heated in the middle of the night (particularly my bedroom) just because he's cold in his room.

But I think people are focussing too much on the boiler issue. The point is that he's passive aggressive about everything that goes wrong, including stuff that isn't in OP's control like the internet. OP, in your shoes I'd think seriously about ending the arrangement and getting someone who understands that being a lodger doesn't automatically shield you from all the minor annoyances that go with everyday life.

DonutCone · 06/01/2018 09:19

He's a lodger. It's really not his responsibility.

Original poster
Vickers0009 · 06/01/2018 09:20

@Redphone, I do not think that I have been difficult. I have explained to him that this is his home and he should use all the facilities at any time, there is really no need to ask.

I usually only cook when I have guests and he is invited to eat whenever I have guests. When I do not have guests for dinner, I usually cook before he gets back from work. I have never denied him access to the kitchen.

The thermostat for the heating is right next to the front door, he has access to and can put the heating on and off at anytime that he chooses.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 06/01/2018 09:23

He isn’t being passive aggressive at all. He’s being direct and a bit blunt.

I’m not sure a lodger should be expected to mess about with the boiler though as he is paying to live there. Yes, it’s just topping up the water pressure (and I had a boiler that needed doing FAR more often than yours!) but you probably need to factor in checking it reguarly and keeping it topped up so it doesn’t get to the point of failing. I had to check mine every day before bed - I now have a new boiler and it is bliss :o

Butterymuffin · 06/01/2018 09:23

I'd get a different lodger. He sounds whiny.

Tippz · 06/01/2018 09:24

Seriously, you should NOT have a lodger, if you cannot be bothered to get your boiler fixed.

And you think he should 'man up' and do it. Do it because he is a man?

You do realise do you not, how incredibly sexist this sounds?

Oh and yeah, YABU! I wouldn't be fucking around with someone else's boiler either.

Get your boiler fixed, otherwise don't have a lodger!

Original poster
Vickers0009 · 06/01/2018 09:24

@BashStreetKid, thank you for that! I sleep with my windows open, the house is extremely hot. He has a fan heater in his room. He rarely sits downstairs and watch TV.

As for hot water, there has never been any issues - the water is on 24/7

OP posts:
Redphone · 06/01/2018 09:25

But why is asking if he can use the kitchen "offensive"? Confused

SpringTown46 · 06/01/2018 09:25

I would feel uncomfortable sharing my home with a person that was blaming me for things like the internet outage and questioning if the water was turned off! But the boiler is your responsibility to get sorted.

Original poster
Vickers0009 · 06/01/2018 09:28

@Tippz, there is nothing wrong with the boiler except that the water pressure drops and it need to be topped up. It's not like there is no heating on - the heating is on whenever we are in and there are no restrictions or timer issues.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vickers0009 · 06/01/2018 09:32

@Redphone, he lives here and he is paying me rent, he has full access to the kitchen and all the other facilities in it. Why would he need to ask or say things like, "do you want to cook?" "Do you need the kitchen?"

He has been here for more than six months and he is fully aware that I do not cook everyday. I only cook when I am entertaining - he can use the kitchen 24/7 without trying to act in a passive aggressive way. Life is so much easy and simple, why the complication?

OP posts:
diddl · 06/01/2018 09:33

"there is nothing wrong with the boiler except..."

So therefore there is something wrong with the boiler!

Get a quote for having it fixed at least!

rothbury · 06/01/2018 09:35

I don't think he sounds at all PA.

If I were a lodger I might ask if you needed to use the kitchen so that we weren't trying to use it at the same time. He sounds quite considerate.

I agree with PP - I don't think you are suited to having a lodger. I don't blame you for this, I would hate it.

SoupDragon · 06/01/2018 09:37

Why would he need to ask or say things like, "do you want to cook?" "Do you need the kitchen?"

So that he doesn’t step on your toes? He’s being polite in this instance.

Original poster
Vickers0009 · 06/01/2018 09:38

@diddl, I will get someone to look at it.

It was serviced around October 2016

OP posts:
horatioisabrick · 06/01/2018 09:38

I’ve never needed to change the boiler pressure. But if someome were to show me? I’d probably do it/try.

But it’s not his responsibility, tbh.
But yes, he is being a passive aggressive arse (basically accusing you of turning down the heating, switching off the internet etc...)

Original poster
Vickers0009 · 06/01/2018 09:39

Sorry, October 2017. The New Year! It was serviced last year (2017)

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 06/01/2018 09:39

without trying to act in a passive aggressive way

He isn’t though Confused

Original poster
Vickers0009 · 06/01/2018 09:41

I think that most people should at least know how to top of water pressure, it would save you lots of money instead of calling a plumber at odd hours or weekends.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 06/01/2018 09:42

I don't see the problem with him asking if you want to use the kitchen.

EmpressoftheMundane · 06/01/2018 09:43

I think it boils down to this: you and the lodger are not compatible. Having is a lodger is different than being a landlord; it's more like having a roommate really.

I would consider how to politely end the arrangement and to look for someone with a better personality fit.

bastardkitty · 06/01/2018 09:44

Your lodger sounds like a PITA. I wouldn't want to have a lodger who behaved like this. I do think you will have to persevere more with your boiler - you obviously do have a leak.

KERALA1 · 06/01/2018 09:49

What a drip. If you don't know or can't remember you tube helps every time

IrkThePurist · 06/01/2018 09:49

Yes he's passive aggressive. Its very wearing to live with.

With our old boiler, a high wind from the wrong direction could blow the pilot out and I'd have to relight it. Its not 'fixing' a boiler to change the pressure or light it any more than it is to change the temperature.

There are small jobs around the home that the average adult needs to to learn how to manage, such as bleeding the radiators, knowing where the main water tap is, or knowing how the boiler works.
They aren't any more difficult than working the washing machine or dishwasher.

Pengggwn · 06/01/2018 09:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.