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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP and hospital appointments. I have genuinely lost perspective

79 replies

Sharpandshineyteeth · 05/01/2018 10:17

A couple of months ago I found a lump in my breast. My GP referred me to the breast clinic to check it out. My appointment came and I asked DP if he was coming with me. He said he can't, fair enough. I thought I was just going for tests and did not expect to get results that day.

Except I did get results that day, the consultant said it is most likely breast cancer after having an ultra sound and mammogram. The whole experience was really traumatic as it was slowly dawning on me throughout the time at the clinic that they were worried. They kept asking me if I had anyone with me and I felt very alone. In the waiting room, everyone was with someone else.

Anyway, I have recently had my first chemotherapy, DP came with me and to the oncologist appointment prior. He told me that he would never let me go to an appointment again alone.

Today I have another oncologist appointment. He came but kept saying he couldn't stay if it was really delayed again. This really upset me as he has so quickly gone back on a promise. In my eyes, somethings are more important that work. He was on his own at work so would have had to shut up shop. Not ideal but like I said, I think some things are more important. This whole experience is teaching me this.

So although he did stay with me today, of it had been delayed he would have gone, leaving me alone as too short notice to arrange a friend to come. I have arranged for a friend to come to my next two chemo' so he doesn't have to.

All of this comes from a back drop of him working 7 days straight after my diagnosis, leaving my firmed to make a rota of who will come over in the evenings as I was really distressed. And also him going to a party Boxing Day, leaving me really upset.

Just to add, prior to this I have never been needy or had a problem with him going anywhere. I have just had a rough time but am slowly coming to terms with it.

OP posts:

JustVent · 05/01/2018 10:22

I’m very sorry to hear about your diagnoses and I wish you a very speedy recovery.

From experience when someone is diagnosed with cancer, you get people who react one of two ways. They either bend over backwards and can’t help that person enough (occasionally too much!) and others who retreat, who cannot cope, don’t know how to act or what to say and just can’t face it.

Could your DP be the latter?

How is he as a partner otherwise? Is he helping you at home, with the house work etc etc?

LemonShark · 05/01/2018 10:27

Is he under a lot of pressure at work? Is he self employed or employs staff? Is he in a precarious low paid role or a very demanding one with high expectations? Do you live together?

I just ask because it could be that he feels the last thing you need right now is for him to lose his job and the loss of income/stress that would come along with that as well as dealing with your diagnosis and the strain you're under. I very much doubt he'd have wanted to leave you at the appointment he went to with you if he didn't absolutely have to, and his comment about having to go if it runs really late suggests a man who's fearful of missing work for one reason or another.

Shoxfordian · 05/01/2018 10:29

He's completely unsupportive of you

I'd be really disappointed in this behaviour if I were you

JustVent · 05/01/2018 10:34

Shoxfordin it can be normal, it depends what the op comes back with. cancer isn’t a horrendous thing for anyone to deal with.

Also OP how old are you? THeres a forum I might be able to suggest.

Phosphorus · 05/01/2018 10:34

If there's any chance of him losing his job or facing a disciplinary, you need to cut him a bit of slack.

You are going to have so many appointments soon that most employers would be less than understanding of someone needing time off for other people's appointments.

If your partner is self employed, then he's going to be losing money and risking clients going elsewhere.

Cheby · 05/01/2018 10:35

In the kindest possible way, I think YAB a bit U. Your DH is probably worried about you, about making sure money is coming in and the household is supported while you are undergoing treatment. I imagine he feels the weight of responsibility on his shoulders right now.

I had to go to the breast clinic last year, my DH was at work and then had to do nursery pick up, he couldn’t come with me either. It’s not ideal, but sometimes we do just have to get on with things.

I wish you a speedy recovery OP.

Nikephorus · 05/01/2018 10:35

Maybe he's trying not to make too big a deal of it because underneath he's terrified and doesn't want to let on because he doesn't want to worry you more?
(And if it had gone on he might have stayed anyway when it came to it)
The party is crap though.

Cath2907 · 05/01/2018 10:37

I am sorry for your diagnosis - I hope you recover quickly.
My husband has diagnosed health anxiety. This means that trips to GPs and hospitals are very difficult for him - no matter who is ill. Even he would be more supportive than this (although I'd arrange for someone else to come and have him look after the kid at home as otherwise I end up trying to look after him!!)

I think you need to sit your hubby down and tell him what you need and ask him to make other arrangements to have the shop manned or to get in more help so he can attend your appointments...
OR
Assume he will be no use whatsoever and make arrangements round him for others to come support you.

I wish I'd known about the hubby's health anxiety when I had the baby 7 years ago - I just thought he didn't care and that was why I was lying in hospital with our newborn and he was home doing DIY!

Original poster

Sharpandshineyteeth · 05/01/2018 10:38

He is under stress at work yes. It's only him and his boss and he has gone on holiday. But I think he should put some things first and stand up for me.

So far, since the diagnosis, he has come to two appointments so it's not excessive and I have arranged for friends to come to chemo.

@justvent, I am 32.

He has otherwise been ok when he is here.

OP posts:

RavingRoo · 05/01/2018 10:39

What is the stage of your cancer? It’s either he thinks you’ll be ok (or convinced himself) or that he’s in denial. You might want to discuss this with MacMillan. They can give you both the support you need.

sinceyouask · 05/01/2018 10:40

My aunt had breast cancer in 2012 (and following treatment is fit and well and as amazing as ever) and her dh was absolutely useless. At the time we heard a lot of "he's finding it so hard" which yes, he probably was, but a) not as bloody hard as the person with cancer and b) whether you find it hard or not, when the person you love is going through that, you put them first. You care for them and support them, you don't run off and hide because you're finding it all so hard.
It was a couple of years after my auntie had recovered before she told him how badly he'd let her down when she needed him. I wish one of us had told him at the time.
Best of luck, op, with your treatment and recovery. I hope your H sorts his head out and realises what matters and I'm glad your friends are there for you.

Trb17 · 05/01/2018 10:41

He might be an ass. Or he might be very scared and this is how it’s manifesting.

I think you should talk to him but ask him how he feels too. Whilst obviously this is your diagnosis, if he loves you it’s likely he feels like his world has fallen apart too and he might be terrified underneath.

It might not be this. He might just be selfish. But talking is the only way to know.

lastqueenofscotland · 05/01/2018 10:42

I appreciate this is a horrid time but I think YABU...
he did stay with you but would have had to have gone back if the appointment was longer.
If he is potentially at risk of losing his job that would add further to what is already a very upsetting/stressful situation.

Trb17 · 05/01/2018 10:42

Also best of luck. My cousin has just gone through treatment and is now in remission so I hope things work out well for you too

InAPickleToday · 05/01/2018 10:43

You're going to need your DH's income now more than ever. You need to cut him some slack. I'm so sorry you're going through this but the mortgage/rent and bills still need to be paid even though you have cancer.

Rebeccaslicker · 05/01/2018 10:44

and tightly 🤞🏻for a fast and full recovery, OP.

Original poster

Sharpandshineyteeth · 05/01/2018 10:47

I really don't think he would lose his job for sticking up for me and coming to the odd appointment.

I know he's finding it hard, we have spoken about it. But I don't think that's the reason for this. I think it's because he doesn't want to upset his boss and would rather upset me. I feel very much right down in his list of priorities.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sharpandshineyteeth · 05/01/2018 10:49

@ravingroo, the cancer hasn't been staged as it hasn't been removed, I am waiting for genetic testing. But it has been graded at 3.

OP posts:

Schlimbesserung · 05/01/2018 10:51

I think you might have been less hurt about the appointment if it hadn't been for him going out to a party on Boxing Day and leaving you at home.
Sometimes people need to have it pointed out to them that their behaviour is hurtful. If he is generally a good egg, then an honest talk may be all that's needed.
I too hope you make a swift and full recovery.

LemonShark · 05/01/2018 10:51

So if he doesn't go to work there is literally nobody there to serve and keep the shop open? Then I'm sorry but YABVU to expect him to shut up what isn't even his own shop, risking his job and income. I understand why you're feeling this way though and feelings are valid whatever they are. By all means speak to him about how you'd like him to support you but expecting him to close down what isn't his shop to come to appointments (when you won't be alone as you have friends) is very unreasonable.

LemonShark · 05/01/2018 10:52

When you keep saying 'sticking up for me' what do you mean? Has his boss told him he can't have the time off for appointments?

Lweji · 05/01/2018 10:52

I have a friend who ended up leaving her husband because of his lack of support when she had cancer.

Surely he can contact his boss and arrange for more time to be with you.

How long is the boss on holiday for? It's his business. He/she should be the one working 7 days straight if it's that important for them.

Lweji · 05/01/2018 10:53

What would have happened to the shop if your husband was the one with cancer and had to go for appointments?

LemonShark · 05/01/2018 10:53

It's not really about not wanting to 'upset' his boss OP, it's more that if he's caught between a rock and a hard place (you want him to leave work and be with you, boss expects him at work) one of those options means he could lose his job and income. Imagine if he lost his job right now while you're unwell and presumably have taken some time off sick yourself? He's doing the best he can from the sounds of it and no doubt feeling very frazzled at not being able to keep you happy as he can't afford to be made unemployed.

user1486241726 · 05/01/2018 10:55

OP I am so sorry to hear about your diagnosis.
I do not think that you are being unreasonable at all. My father had cancer and my mother went to every single appointment with him for the whole two years. I understand it’s not that easy for a lot of people and the line of work my mother is in may have facilitated this, but you’ve barely had any appointments so far. This is still so raw and unknown for you and these are arguably the appointments you need him to be there for the most.
I completely agree with sinceyouask . Do not take any of this ‘it affects him too you know’ or ‘people deal with things in different ways’. I was 16 when my DDad was unwell and I wanted to run away and scream and hide more than anything. But I never showed it to my dad. None of us did. Some people will probably come along to tell me that this is very unhealthy blablabla but in all honesty how could any of us compare our feelings to a man who thought he was going to die and was undergoing chemotherapy.

I wish you all the best OP and I am so glad that you have good friends. Spell it out to DP that YOU NEED HIM and then take it from there.

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