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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP and hospital appointments. I have genuinely lost perspective

79 replies

Sharpandshineyteeth · 05/01/2018 10:17

A couple of months ago I found a lump in my breast. My GP referred me to the breast clinic to check it out. My appointment came and I asked DP if he was coming with me. He said he can't, fair enough. I thought I was just going for tests and did not expect to get results that day.

Except I did get results that day, the consultant said it is most likely breast cancer after having an ultra sound and mammogram. The whole experience was really traumatic as it was slowly dawning on me throughout the time at the clinic that they were worried. They kept asking me if I had anyone with me and I felt very alone. In the waiting room, everyone was with someone else.

Anyway, I have recently had my first chemotherapy, DP came with me and to the oncologist appointment prior. He told me that he would never let me go to an appointment again alone.

Today I have another oncologist appointment. He came but kept saying he couldn't stay if it was really delayed again. This really upset me as he has so quickly gone back on a promise. In my eyes, somethings are more important that work. He was on his own at work so would have had to shut up shop. Not ideal but like I said, I think some things are more important. This whole experience is teaching me this.

So although he did stay with me today, of it had been delayed he would have gone, leaving me alone as too short notice to arrange a friend to come. I have arranged for a friend to come to my next two chemo' so he doesn't have to.

All of this comes from a back drop of him working 7 days straight after my diagnosis, leaving my firmed to make a rota of who will come over in the evenings as I was really distressed. And also him going to a party Boxing Day, leaving me really upset.

Just to add, prior to this I have never been needy or had a problem with him going anywhere. I have just had a rough time but am slowly coming to terms with it.

OP posts:

juneau · 05/01/2018 11:24

TBH I think my DH might be a bit like this. Some people just aren't good when it comes to 'supporting' another person when the job requires them to just sit around in a waiting room and 'be there', as opposed to doing something specific. My DH is a doer, not a waiter! So don't be too hard on him, particularly if he's stressed about work. If you are unwell this may be putting additional pressure on him to provide, pay the bills, keep the household afloat - and I know from experience that when things are stressful at work it can be hard for some people (men?) to see the wood for the trees.

I think I would ask other people to go with you to appointments, if you can. Do you have DC or friends who could accompany you, thereby taking the pressure off him to be there every single time. It sounds like his intentions are good, but he's feeling torn in two directions.

Original poster

Sharpandshineyteeth · 05/01/2018 11:29

@justvent, thank you. I am avoiding all things to do with cancer at the moment. This might change though so thank you.

@juneau, my DC's are all young children. I do have good friends though, two of the will be coming to my second and third chemo. Sadly I don't have any family apart from my sister who is very busy with her own small children.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sharpandshineyteeth · 05/01/2018 11:29

@justvent, thank you. I am avoiding all things to do with cancer at the moment. This might change though so thank you.

OP posts:

RavingRoo · 05/01/2018 11:33

Show him this

www.macmillan.org.uk/information-and-support/breast-cancer/treating/treatment-decisions/understanding-your-diagnosis/staging-and-grading.html

Then call Macmillan. They have access to support and counselling to help you both through this time. I think there’s access to grants too if he’s worried about money.

nickyplustwo · 05/01/2018 11:34

I'm sorry for your situation. Visit the Cancer support thread on Mumsnet as everyone is really helpful and supportive of each other there. I don't think YABU to want and need your dh at consultant meetings, especially as it's such a new thing for you; it is bloody terrifying waiting for news and results. He is probably not BU to want to keep his job, particularly if it has been hard-won and it reads as though he's trying to bury his head in the sand a bit, which while it's not what you need, is understandable. It is a very stressful situation for you both and I think that trying to be calm and honest with each other about how you feel is the way forward. The rollercoaster analogy is never truer than with cancer treatment, so trying to work out from the start how you support each other and communicate well during shitty times, will set you up well for what's ahead. Good luck with your treatment.

RavingRoo · 05/01/2018 11:34

This too www.macmillan.org.uk/information-and-support/coping/your-emotions/looking-after-someone-with-cancer

JustVent · 05/01/2018 11:36

OP I totally understand. My friend said exactly the same thing in the beginning when I was trying to help her and point her in directions of stuff, you know I mentioned that some people can help a little too much? Yeah that was me. I had to back off a bit until she was ready.

I hope things improve with your DP.

Aki23 · 05/01/2018 11:45

Being the partner on the other end having to work, I couldn't take time off for the hospital visits. My DH understood and took another non-working family member. I kept in touch with him via text message and talked him through it when I got home. I feel for you OP and it is difficult, but the bills do still have to be paid. I know that is heartless but it is also a fact. If he is being supportive of you (which it does sound like he is) then this is a mountain you need to get through together.

expatinscotland · 05/01/2018 12:20

If you have 5 small children he is probably very worried about money and keeping the wolf from the door.

JustVent · 05/01/2018 12:23

Are they his children OP?

abualb · 05/01/2018 12:34

I think the people who have been saying he's clearly not being supportive don't know what on earth they're talking about!

The OP's DH can't be in two places at once and there's no point arguing that he should have closed the shop and risk his job because the op hasn't mentioned whether they're rolling in cash Vs broke, whether he has a good boss or crap, or whether it's likely to get him fired or not, and so on.

I think it's utterly outrageous of posters who have lambasted the op's DH without clarifying the key thing here: is it that he won't go or that he can't?

Can you imagine a post from the OP's DH here in reverse? ("I'm desperately trying to juggle keeping my job and supporting us financially but can't manage the logistics of attending all her appointments on top").

Really not fair folks

GrockleBocs · 05/01/2018 12:42

How long has he been in his job? If he hasn't been there 2 years + then he can be let go very easily and quickly.

Original poster

Sharpandshineyteeth · 05/01/2018 12:45

@albualb I am almost certain he wouldn't lose his job for coming to an appointment, as DP could just point to the times last week he has worked a 15hour day and is owed time off. He frequently works 60+ hours. No we are not rolling in it. I have a better paid job with the local authority so they are good with sick pay etc.

The 5 children are not all his, my older 4 are with my exH who incidentally has been useless as well and dropped me like a stone. This comes after me being highly supportive with him during his recent mental health crisis. Taking time off to go to the GP with him and waiting all day in a and e.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sharpandshineyteeth · 05/01/2018 12:47

I have definately taken all of this in mumsnet. I am feeling much more calm and less ragey.

OP posts:

sadie9 · 05/01/2018 12:54

A lot of men think differently about their work. It is like the rock they cling to in times of trouble. The only part of their life that they feel control in, and therefore if another part of his life feels out of control, he'll feel the need to go to work!
You may find he will start trying to compensate for his lack of support in relation to the illness by trying to do other things 'to help' like washing the floor or suddenly mowing the lawn or cleaning out the garage...

Reallycantbebothered · 05/01/2018 12:55

I have recently been diagnosed with a severe autoimmune disease with life limiting implications...my dh has been to 2 of my appointments ( when I had biopsy and when I had results/ treatment plan) I have gone to subsequent hospital appointments alone as it would have meant home taking time off work , and as he is self employed he is not entitled to any compassionate/ sick leave
As my prognosis is guarded we need him to continue working as I may either have to reduce my hours or give up work completely
I can see where you are coming from but there is no need for him to be at absolutely every appointment as he would not be entitled to time off work for appointments as you are ( being the patient)
Hope your treatment goes well and please be kind to one another, I know my dh is very worried about me but doesn't show his feelings very well and uses work as a distraction ...cut your dh a bit of slack and concentrate on getting through the treatment

JustVent · 05/01/2018 12:56

Sharp tell me to fuck off if you want, and I would understand. But might your ex have dropped you like a stone because he cannot handle it especially with bad mental health?

People can be pretty useless when it comes to a cancer diagnoses sometimes. As I said before even the bestest friends that you have known for years can drop you because they cannot deal with it all (even though it’s 10 million times worse for you!!), but an ex husband who might have to look after all 4 of his kids if you need an operation or time off when he has mental health problems is probably absolutely shitting himself.

Again I’m not saying it’s not far far far worse for you and I’m not suggesting for a minute that you shouldn’t feel let down and seriously pissed off. Rather than I’ve seen it happen and it’s not always as simple as it seems.

Vesper8 · 05/01/2018 13:03

Hi OP - wishing you all the best for treatment. I've just come through the other side and my loving DH didn't come to a single appointment. Why? Because even when he called me to check how I was in his break, his employer hauled him into a meeting for not being in the break room with the other staff as bonding was important. When he asked for time off, it was denied.

It put so much pressure on us as a couple as there were days when I was just wanted to scream at him that his job could wait.

He'd given YEARS of 7 day weeks, overseas trips with no pay and he was asking for an afternoon off! He'd been the model employee, given 100% to everything but when he needed help, not the other way around, they pulled the rug from beneath him.

They piled more and more on him, knowing what he was going through. I was absolutely at my wits end.

Of course, I hope your DH is going through nothing like that but my DH explained afterwards that he felt so out of control with my diagnosis that he didn't want to add to it by losing his income as well / being dragged into more meeting when he just wanted to come home and not add to my stress.

He was under pressure from all sides and under pressure, people do odd things. Like your DP, he continued to want to go to social events until I pointed out that I'd just had chemo and he hadn't seen me for days!

I felt like a complete control freak and I'm sorry so say that we argued but it's cancer - stress, tears, confusion, grief, pain are all allowed - you've just got to talk to each other and the biggest lesson I leant is that people really don't react how you expect them! Those moments during chemotherapy when it hits you...it could be hitting my DH when he snaps in Tesco. My MIL meanwhile decided to ignore the wheels thing and never asked once how I was.

But still here and DH and I are just as strong. I've just asked DH for his input and it's one I always forget - he also didn't know how much I needed him. He knew I had appointments but in his head, he also needed to go to work. And because I put on a brave face, he didn't realise 'just how ill I was' (it's cancer!!) so thought that going to the pub etc was just keeping up normal routine and supporting me / not making a big deal out of it. They say men are a different species but other people are too...doesn't mean the love or support isn't there - they just try to fix things in a different way.

All the very best OP xx

Jaxhog · 05/01/2018 13:09

Please be kind to your DP. He's probably devastated too and worried about your future, the children's future etc. It's all very well saying he should take time off to be with you, but that may not be possible if the boss is away and he's working in a small business. It isn't like a big local authority, where there are lots of support structures etc. Not being there may be the difference between business success and failure.

Use your wider support network to help you and I'm sure he'll be with you as much as he can.

StaplesCorner · 05/01/2018 13:10

All I'm reading here is that the OP needs to have cancer and look after her poor DP as well; yes lets all consider him eh? I'm really shocked by most of these replies but I can only think its because this is AIBU where men cannot be expected to do much of anything let alone work and be a supportive partner all at the same time.

MissConductUS · 05/01/2018 13:10

When a family member is diagnosed with a serious illness it is almost as stressful for the partner as it is for the person with the illness. Also keep in mind that men by nature want to fix or sort out a problem, as opposed to just being their in an empathetic manner. He can't fix this so he feels impotent. I'm glad you're going to cut him a little slack on this.

JustVent · 05/01/2018 13:23

Staples look after her DP? Have I missed something? wHats wrong with her DP?

ChaChaChaCh4nges · 05/01/2018 13:23

The thing is, it doesn't matter if he did a 15 hour day last week or 60 hours last week - the shop needs to be open during its opening hours, and your DP is the only person who can open it. I'd bet all the money in my bank account that his contract of employment will require him to work core hours to keep the shop open. It would be different if the owner was not on holiday, but he is.

I'm very sorry for your diagnosis, and hope you hear good news very soon.

Original poster

Sharpandshineyteeth · 05/01/2018 13:30

Yes @justvent, I think he distanced himself on purpose. But still...shitty timing.

@vesper8, you are right, there is so much pressure on us and sometimes it does hit me and I'm sure it does for him too. But I too feel that there is more to life than his job.

OP posts:

StaplesCorner · 05/01/2018 13:33

JustVent - going by a lot of the posts here, he's the one who needs sympathy "cut him some slack", "you just have on with things" etc - but you haven't said anything like that.

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