DP and hospital appointments. I have genuinely lost perspective

[Sharpandshineyteeth]

A couple of months ago I found a lump in my breast. My GP referred me to the breast clinic to check it out. My appointment came and I asked DP if he was coming with me. He said he can't, fair enough. I thought I was just going for tests and did not expect to get results that day.

Except I did get results that day, the consultant said it is most likely breast cancer after having an ultra sound and mammogram. The whole experience was really traumatic as it was slowly dawning on me throughout the time at the clinic that they were worried. They kept asking me if I had anyone with me and I felt very alone. In the waiting room, everyone was with someone else.

Anyway, I have recently had my first chemotherapy, DP came with me and to the oncologist appointment prior. He told me that he would never let me go to an appointment again alone.

Today I have another oncologist appointment. He came but kept saying he couldn't stay if it was really delayed again. This really upset me as he has so quickly gone back on a promise. In my eyes, somethings are more important that work. He was on his own at work so would have had to shut up shop. Not ideal but like I said, I think some things are more important. This whole experience is teaching me this.

So although he did stay with me today, of it had been delayed he would have gone, leaving me alone as too short notice to arrange a friend to come. I have arranged for a friend to come to my next two chemo' so he doesn't have to.

All of this comes from a back drop of him working 7 days straight after my diagnosis, leaving my firmed to make a rota of who will come over in the evenings as I was really distressed. And also him going to a party Boxing Day, leaving me really upset.

Just to add, prior to this I have never been needy or had a problem with him going anywhere. I have just had a rough time but am slowly coming to terms with it.

Lweji I'm guessing he'd be signed off sick by the GP or something. Companies treat their employee being sick differently to their employee wanting time off to go to a sick relative's appointments. And if it's just two people working there I doubt they have HR or policies in place to protect him. He could easily be let go and have very little comeback to that, one of the risks of small businesses.

Sorry you've had this diagnosis.
It's a lot to get your head round.
Do you have friends who can come with you sometimes? Now is probably not an ideal time to fall out with your DH, even if he is being less supportive than you would like. He may be minimising this to himself as it will be a shock. There are lots of good online forums, the MN one was helpful to me when my Mum was ill.

If it was the husband who had cancer it would be a completely different thingthing Lweji . He'd be covered by employment legislation covering his own cancer.

You can't just expect an employer to give time off for the medical appointments of a non-employee.

I think his boss would understand if he was firm about it. He does so much already, like working sometimes 15 hours and working 7 days a week to make sure jobs are complete. Therefore I think having 2 hours off on a Thursday is not unreasonable if he actually booked it and told his boss why rather than just winging it.

It's good to get other people's perspective, I feel more reasurred that this is not a big red flag that he doesn't give a fuck.

I really don't think he would lose his job for sticking up for me and coming to the odd appointment.

You don't know that though really.

As someone who has been through many oncologist appointments etc I understand how hard it is, however I do think YAB a bit U.

I'd be looking for a new job asap if I wouldn't be given the time to assist my partner through their cancer. It's not as if he'd be taking weeks off.
This certainly trumps the boss' holidays. And I'd find it odd if the boss went on holiday for more than 1 or two weeks if there are only two of them in the shop.

Therefore I think having 2 hours off on a Thursday is not unreasonable if he actually booked it and told his boss why rather than just winging it.

Just 2 hours though?

I have known appointments be delayed quite significantly. No one can guarantee he would be back by x time.

"It's good to get other people's perspective, I feel more reasurred that this is not a big red flag that he doesn't give a fuck."

That's a good perspective to have :) how invested and caring did you feel he was in the relationship prior to your diagnosis?

MY husband has cancer at the moment and it doesn’t look overly pisitive. I’ve been to most do his appointments with him but not all and it’s just not realistic for me to go to all of them. Obviously I go to the important ones such as with his consultants but actually we are very much of the view that life goes on which means that I go to work and deal with the kids as much as is possible and where I need to be there I will be and I expect that there will come a time when I need to be there more but In the meantime we muddle on as best we can and sometimes that means him being alone.

I’m sorry for your news and hope treatment goes well

"I'd be looking for a new job asap if I wouldn't be given the time to assist my partner through their cancer."

It's not always that easy if you've not got a lot of employment options and you're in a job with a particular benefit you're gonna struggle to find elsewhere. I was treated like absolute shit in one of my past jobs but couldn't have found one anywhere else that allowed me to work the very specific hours and number of hours I needed to (5-12 evenings and all day weekends). It's not that black and white. You'd be surprised how many people are in insecure low paid low status jobs they still desperately need to hold onto.

I understand that you are distressed but (unless your H has form for selfish behaviour) YABU. It's at an employer's discretion to give time off for things like a partner's health appointments, and if he works in a small shop with only one other person, it's unlikely the business could stand the strain of it. It's also probably not very well paid, so he's likely to be worrying about losing money and/or losing the job at a time like this.

My SIL had breast cancer last year (she is now in remission after surgery/chemo/radiotherapy and doing well - horrid though it is, hold on to the thought that breast cancer, caught early, is very curable.) My DB took what time off he could, but he works for a large organisation where it was feasible for him to have some unpaid leave: SIL also had her mother and sister to go to appointments with her. However DB and SIL did end up with a lot of money troubles.

I know this must be such a scary time for you, but he’s probably frightened and it’s easier to retreat into the familiar at times like this. Doesn’t make it right, but it is sadly very common.

I'm so sorry for your diagnosis.

But, Actually I disagree. I have found firms to be unsympathetic - over death of my mil - many firms only offer a couple of days!! They offered my Dh and my sil a week.

Even less for attending medical appointments. My mums friend had cancer and her husband was expected to only attend appointments at beginning of day/end of day, to 'avoid Work disruption'!!

It should fall under compassionate leave, and the employer shouldn't refuse reasonable requests.
For example, ok if the employer is travelling abroad and can't return now, but working those long hours and without breaks should be compensated.
I'd say that refusal to grant compassionate leave for a few appointments or dismissal would not be seen kindly.

www.gov.uk/time-off-for-dependants/problems-when-you-take-time-off

I am sorry to hear about your diagnosis OP, and how you feel.

As a complete outsider, it reads like your husband has a genuine fear about his job. Not opening the business at all is significantly different from one of several employees not coming in and the others needing to make up the slack. He should not have promised to attend every appointment if he knew that he couldn't but it looks like he understood that particular aspect of your upset and wanted to ease it, without realising the practicalities.

Maybe he is a complete ass and I don't know where the Boxing Day party fits in but honestly the job part sounds like he is trying to balance his desire to be there for you with a cold hard reality. He may also be thinking more than one appointment at a time and anticipating you may need him more in later appointments when you are feeling the impact of the chemo more badly, for example.

I know at times of huge stress and grief, I tend to focalise on one specific issue and get extremely upset and angry about that smaller issue, presumably to avoid the enormity of the emotions of the main issue. Is there any chance you are doing the same? Do you have some mental health support to help you deal with this huge challenge?

Obviously only you know the exact dynamics and you know your own feelings and it is terrible that you feel hurt and let down at a time like this. But since you did ask, it looks from the outside like there is an alternative explanation for his actions that doesn't mean he doesn't care deeply about you.

Best wishes for the treatment and the future.

I'd be looking for a new job asap if I wouldn't be given the time to assist my partner through their cancer.

With all the will in the world no employer would give my DH tge time of for all my appointments.

At times he would be off more than in.

I'm really sorry for your news OP, and hope your treatment goes well. I'd find a reliable friend who can give you the much needed support that your DP doesn't seem to be able to find. I think people fall into 2 camps when someone is very ill - they help/support or they back right off and pretend it isn't happening.

when my DH was dx with testicular cancer I was only at the first appointment (GP thought it was something else) as I was off work anyway (school holidays); due to my work I was not able to attend all appointments but this didn't mean I didn't care/not love him just that I was not able to take time off work.

I know when I was in your DH's shoes op I was worried about ensuring that all bills would be paid/covered etc even though DH's employers were fantastic and paid full pay for longer than his contracted number of available weeks, this though still didn't take the 'pressure' off me so to speak

"It's only him and his boss and he has gone on holiday."

So there would be no-one who could cover for him if he did "book it off?". Sorry, but I think you are BU, although for totally understandable reasons. Your plan to have a friend come with you sounds like the best option.

I think the important thing is to communicate your feelings honestly to him.

He is probably concerned about money and job and a bit blinkered to you. I think you should encourage him to ask you outright often 'what can I do to help?'

Keeping fingers crossed that all goes well for you

@lemonshark, the relationship was up and down. I have had issues with his being unreliable and other things, but I always thought he cared. I definitely feel second best since this job came along. Which is ironic as I always had problems with him looking for and keeping work.

I don't think it's realistic he comes to all of my appointments either. I went to the nurses check and all blood tests alone. I have also been in twice for symptoms that needed checking (high temp and awful headache). But we had agreed that any appointment where I would be getting any sort of news or importantly things were discussed then he would come to avoid a repeat of the breast clinic where I was on my own for awful news.

I'm really sorry you are going through this. I don't know the circumstances. But there is absolutely no point in adding financial worries to an already massively stressful situation.

Perhaps your husband feels he needs to prioritise being at work because it is the household income. Not every workplace is as sympathetic and will allow time off for family illness or accompanying family to appointments. It's not as if he's at home watching TV. You need to look at it from a different perspective.

Honestly, the boss cares about his business.

If your husband failed to turn up to work when he is due to be in then he can be sacked for it.

@sycamore54321, yes there is a good chance I am focsing on this to avoid the bigger issue and my general worry about my diagnosis and having 5 children.

Mood swings are also a lovely side effect of some of my medication, that's why I find perspective hard at the moment.

OP I sent you a PM, I hope it’s helpful.

Back to your thread, how long have you guys been together? Do you live together?