Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum and her texts

82 replies

Imaginosity · 04/01/2018 20:54

I'm fed up of my mum in general as she's over-emotional, overbearing and seems to think she can demand I behave a certain way. Its like she holds me responsible for her happiness.

She sent me a text today asking if I could help her with something next week. An urgent reply was not required and I was very busy today minding a group of children so didn't reply when I glanced at the message. I was intending on helping her.

When I hadn't replied within 2 hours I got a snotty text demanding a reply. This kind of got my back up as she often sends these demanding texts. I decided I would reply a bit later. Then within an hour I had a text saying not to bother replying at all. Then a short time ago another text about how I am affecting the mood in their house but luckily my sister has invited them somewhere tomorrow so that has helped their mood a bit. She said she will hold off telling my dad about me not replying.

I have children but when they grow up I hope I never demand they do things. I hope I'm a nice enough mum and they want to come and see me through choice not through obligation and because I'm guilt-tripping them.

OP posts:
NC4now · 04/01/2018 20:57

My mum doesn’t grasp that I might not be free. She’ll phone the house phone, and if I don’t answer, she’ll call my mobile, then text, then FB message me, all within the space of five minutes.
When something pops into her head she wants an immediate answer.
Sometimes I deliberately leave it a while just to try and manage her expectations.
She doesn’t get nasty though, just persistent.

Gohackyourself · 04/01/2018 21:13

My df does this as well since he retired.
He thinks that because you have a mobile it should be answered immediately when he feels the need to call or text as something popped into his head.
When my dm at home from work, we barely hear from him because he’s occupied.

I told him I rarely answer the house phone and mobile going same way. Just because it makes a noise, does not mean it gets my full attention instantly .

Sparkletastic · 04/01/2018 21:15

Text back 'FFS' and then switch phone off.

diddl · 04/01/2018 21:23

"She said she will hold off telling my dad about me not replying."

What??

Tistheseason17 · 04/01/2018 21:26

There are a lot of people who think phones are glued to hands so an immediate response is expected! Certainly, not required!.
I remember having to use a phone box to make callsGrin

idontlikealdi · 04/01/2018 21:30

My sister is like this - calls the text, call the mobile and then the house and then email to say she's sent a text and finally another text.

I reply when I get round to it.

DownTownAbbey · 04/01/2018 21:37

Can't remember who said it (think it was Stephen Fry) but a ringing phone (or doorbell for that matter) is not a summons. It's your phone, they are making a request to contact you. Can you explain that to her, or will she report you to your father (shudder)? I'm afraid I feel your pain. It's ridiculous, isn't it?

Original poster
Imaginosity · 04/01/2018 21:39

*Today 21:23 diddl

"She said she will hold off telling my dad about me not replying."

What??*

Her thinking on this is that because my dad would be so upset to hear how horrible I've been that she will do the right thing and not tell him.

OP posts:
horatioisabrick · 04/01/2018 21:48

One of the reasons I'm not too fond of texting (I know, might make me sound a bit old).

I prefer telephone calls or emails...

LovingLola · 04/01/2018 21:49

You need to disengage from both your parents.

Bluedoglead · 04/01/2018 21:49

Tel her you’ll tell your dad on her. 😜

SilenceIsBroken · 04/01/2018 21:51

Wow. She's created a little three-act drama, all on her own.

I'd be tempted to reply saying "do you know how mad this makes you sound?" but that wouldn't help matters!

CorbynsBumFlannel · 04/01/2018 21:52

My mum is very similar. Yet any time I text/call her her phone is off and that’s fine.
She will also insist on texting 10 or so texts back and forth to arrange something over a number of days that a 30 sec conversation would sort out but she’s too busy for calls 😂

CorbynsBumFlannel · 04/01/2018 21:53

She isn’t busy at all for context she has never worked in her life and complains she’s had a busy day if she’s had to go out and post a letter.

TheSecondOfHerName · 04/01/2018 21:55

"Hi mum, my phone ran out of charge, have just seen all your texts. Have a nice time tomorrow x"

InspMorse · 04/01/2018 21:59

Ugh. Guilt tripping at its best.

She will do you a favour by not 'telling on you' to your Dad?
Your Sister is making things better by seeing her the next day?

If she wasn't your DM I'm sure you'd have told her to Foff by now.

whirlygirly · 04/01/2018 22:05

Dp's mum is like this. I find it utterly repellent. How does your sister feel about it?

Seeingadistance · 04/01/2018 22:06

Many years ago, before mobiles were invented and before phones were referred to as landlines, I read something that stayed with me. Might have been in Readers Digest.

Anyway, gist of it was that in the days before the phone people communicated by letter. Letters took time in the writing, sending, receiving, reading and replying. If I get a letter, I choose when to open it, when to read it, when to reply etc. The telephone on the other hand, intrudes noisily, demanding attention and an instant response.

If I don't want to answer the phone now, I don't. If it's important they'll phone back or leave a message. If I don't want to read a text now, I don't. If I don't want to reply right now, I don't.

No harm done.

Original poster
Imaginosity · 04/01/2018 22:12

I have stepped back hugely from her over the last few years. I used to get really upset about the way she acted. We'd end up having arguments where she'd be all self-pitying about having such a horrible daughter. She'd make sad or annoyed faces when I was around that just made me more annoyed with her.

My new approach is to ignore her when she acts like this. I delete her texts so I won't read back over them and get upset.

I hate the thought that she thinks I'm a bad person as it makes me wonder if I am actually a bad person.

She tried to make me feel guilty if she doesn't see my children enough.

She also is very jealous of my in-laws (who are lovely and 'normal') and tries to make me feel guilty for visiting them. She accuses me of preferring them (which is true!).

She tries to make me feel guilty for not being really close to my brother and constantly brings it up and constantly tries to turn the conversation to him. She tries to engineer things so we spend time together.

I just feel like screaming! I'm an adult living my own life and I can make choices even if she doesn't approve.

At least seeing how MIL is with her children has shown me what a normal relationship can be between parents and adult children.

OP posts:
EvilDoctorHogmanayDuck · 04/01/2018 22:13

NC4now I have an aunt who does this. She'll text when I'm in bed, then the next morning when I'm trying to make buttered crumpets for 3 people. Just "beep beep beep" for half an hour. So I ask DH to ring her and tell her to leave me alone, and I'll text when I'm free, then she rants at him. Now I have DND, but she then complains about that, apparently it's only for people in business meetings. I was threatened by her and my uncle that the DC wouldn't receive certain Christmas presents unless I switched DND off. Xmas Angry

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 04/01/2018 22:14

If I were you I wouldn't be replying to any texts within less than 24 hours.

Or always wait to reply to texts until 8pm and don't respond after 9pm.

sonjadog · 04/01/2018 22:18

My Mother used to be like this. She didn’t realise that when a message came up at delivered on her phone it only meant that it was on my phone, not that I had read it. I used to check my phone in breaks at work and find 10+ increasingly irate messages from her. She understood it eventually but it took a while and many discussions.

Pugsleypugs · 04/01/2018 22:20

My mum gets like this. She hasn't worked for years and seems to forget others do so gets snippy when I don't reply immediately or when I can't see her because I'm working or have been working. I just repeat over and over again that I've been working. I'm a broken record.

altiara · 04/01/2018 22:22

Just interested in what you think your dad would say when your mum tells on you?
And surely he’d have some idea of what’s going on in your mum’s head of it affected the mood in their house!

TeaAndToast85 · 04/01/2018 22:24

How would she react if you texted her something like this:

Hello Mum, I need you to understand that I'm not always able to look at my phone/text back immediately. I will always get back to you when I can, but it is unreasonable for you to expect me to drop whatever I am doing and respond to you immediately. Enjoy your day tomorrow .