Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum and her texts

82 replies

Imaginosity · 04/01/2018 20:54

I'm fed up of my mum in general as she's over-emotional, overbearing and seems to think she can demand I behave a certain way. Its like she holds me responsible for her happiness.

She sent me a text today asking if I could help her with something next week. An urgent reply was not required and I was very busy today minding a group of children so didn't reply when I glanced at the message. I was intending on helping her.

When I hadn't replied within 2 hours I got a snotty text demanding a reply. This kind of got my back up as she often sends these demanding texts. I decided I would reply a bit later. Then within an hour I had a text saying not to bother replying at all. Then a short time ago another text about how I am affecting the mood in their house but luckily my sister has invited them somewhere tomorrow so that has helped their mood a bit. She said she will hold off telling my dad about me not replying.

I have children but when they grow up I hope I never demand they do things. I hope I'm a nice enough mum and they want to come and see me through choice not through obligation and because I'm guilt-tripping them.

OP posts:
Yorkshiremum17 · 04/01/2018 22:31

I ignore my mum! She insists on calling me at work, usually when she's bored sat in the car waiting for dad to finish whatever he is doing. I then call her back when it suits me.
I will not give her my work number, I made that mistake many years ago and used to receive up to 20 calls a day at work and then couldn't get her off the line and couldn't refuse to answer cos it could have been a customer!
I also don't take any calls after 8 at night. It all sounds a bit extremes but when I first left home I used to get up to 30 calls a day starting at 6 am finishing at midnight, it got to the point I unplugged my phone. We had countless arguments about it and so now I only take/make calls when I am emotionally ready, it is always a draining experience!

mrwalkensir · 04/01/2018 22:33

hm - might want to look at the Stately Homes thread OP - sounds like she's not just oblivious to what you have going on...

Jux · 04/01/2018 22:34

Tell her that your phone is off when you’re at work so you’ll only be able to pick up texts etc at lunchtime or when you get home, so she’ll not get instant replies from you and that’s that.

I don’t understand why people of the mum’s generation don’t understand that people aren’t and can’t be instantly available, it’s not as if they grew up with the tech, they didn’t. They had to wait until they got home to make and receive personal calls, none were permitted at work as a general rule. So where’s this demand for instant gratification come from? I’d understand better if it were op’s generation demanding instant responses, but it isn’t.

Cabininthewoods69 · 04/01/2018 22:37

She's your mum have some respect not to slag her off on the here. Make the most of her as one day she won't be there anymore. I lost my mum nearly a year ago and I regret I wasn't more patient. She was only 59

ItsInTheDogsMouth · 04/01/2018 22:39

Well done for stepping back from her. Don't let her make you feel guilty. Remember, she can't 'make' you feel anything...you can choose not to go down that path. All this neediness and drama says more about her, than it does about you. Her trying to guilt you does not make you a bad person. I think you need to step further away....

PizzaPower · 04/01/2018 22:41

Yep, wondered when someone would pop up with your type of reply Cabin.

Not all Mums are nice, the OP's sound manipulative, just because they are your Mum doesn't mean you should answer any message that second.

TeaAndToast85 · 04/01/2018 22:42

@Cabininthewoods69 not helpful...people are allowed to be angry/have grievances with loved ones. OP should not have to put up with being spoken to this way,

shortsaint · 04/01/2018 22:43

This could be my mum. Since my pa died she insists on texting me each morning to tell me she is alive (ffs!). But she often forgets.

Then later sends a text to ask why I hadn't noticed.

But if I want to get hold of her she will have her phone off 'to save the battery'.

It's always on her own terms Confused

thegreylady · 04/01/2018 22:44

Many years ago I got fed up with my mum always phoning at tea time so I suggested we make it twice a week ( once me ringing and once her unless it was urgent) only now I know how much I hurt her. She died in February 1993 aged 69 and I regret so much limiting those calls. I’d give the world to have her ring at tea time or any time and I am so so sorry.

ToadsforJustice · 04/01/2018 22:45

My DM used to do this. I would get a text. Then another. Then a missed call. Then another. Then a text from my DF. Then another. And so and so on. I was a nurse working a 12 hour shift in A & E and my phone is locked away.

I would eventually call her back and the emergency would be something about next doors cat!

I’ve managed to get through to her that I’m just not available when I’m working. She sulked for a bit, but she had to get over it.

A phone call or text is an invitation to talk. Not a summons.

Bettercallsaul1 · 04/01/2018 22:58

I am sorry to hear that, greylady. Flowers. It's very difficult to get the balance right and you had no idea that your mother's time was limited. Most of us end up with some regrets - you are certainly not alone.

Cabininthewoods69 · 04/01/2018 22:58

Well maybe op should be more respectful then.

Hope she doesn't learn the hard way.

Snowdrop18 · 04/01/2018 23:05

OP that family dynamic sounds awful
I'd have serious words and go NC if they didn't work

You're not missing out on decent people from the sounds of it? It seems like it's about way more than a text.

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 04/01/2018 23:07

Cabin respect is earned, not an automatic right. Why on earth should the OP be respectful of someone who sounds actively manipulative and hurtful?

Pugsleypugs · 04/01/2018 23:29

I'm sorry to hear about your mum cabin but that doesn't give you the right to talk to the OP like you have.

Everyone is free to air their grievances here, it might improve the OPs relationship with their mum venting here rather than in real life as opposed to making the relationship worse or OP may realise that actually she doesn't have to put up with being emotionally bullied by her mum because respect is earnt and not a given.

vespertillio · 04/01/2018 23:32

Cabin that is nasty and nonsensical, just because someone might die some day doesn't mean an unhealthy dynamic should be sustained! Sympathies OP, sounds like you're suffering from this emotional manipulation. Sounds like you'll have to remind your mum again that you can't always answer the phone or reply to texts. Good luck.

alltheworld · 04/01/2018 23:39

It is

CloseToTheBone · 05/01/2018 00:07

I'm quite surprised by this; I would have expected it to be the other way round. When I was a child, a house phone was still a novelty, and we used a phone box if we absolutely had to contact someone, but most of the time we talked about things, and if we weren't together for that we would wait until we were. Most things (emergencies excepted) were just not that urgent. Now, I work with younger people who sleep with their phone by the bedside and will willingly answer work-related calls at 3 am (we work in a 24-hr operation). For them, a call or text unanswered for 5 minutes is the ultimate rudeness. We just work on different timescales. For me, I'll answer in a day or so unless the matter is obviously urgent.

Vanessatiger · 05/01/2018 07:07

My MIL does this to my DH all the time, then every time he calls she’d complain about how long she’s waited for him to call and that he’s selfish to be with his wife and children, and he doesn’t care about her. FFS she’s a drama queen and definitely jealous of the attention the grandchildren get.

She’d also tell him that she wishes that he was a better son with a real job (he’s CEO at a big franchise company) so he could be close to her and not have to travel so much. So in the end, whatever he does it just isn’t good enough for her.

Cabininthewoods69 · 05/01/2018 07:15

I don't feel I was nasty but did feel that coming on here to put a parent down isn't very nice.

Maybe just show your mum this thread and she will get your message.

I was raised to put up with people negatives as well as enjoy there positives.

EvilDoctorHogmanayDuck · 05/01/2018 07:19

Yes Cabin, but when you can't sleep or make food for your DC because of what boils down to harassment, you have to do something.

honeysucklejasmine · 05/01/2018 07:20

Cabin does it work the other way? Should OPs mum think "she may crash her car on the way home and die, I should stop trying to harass and emotionally blackmail her"? Everyone is going to die one day, after all, and not necessarily in the order one might expect. I'm sorry you've lost your mother, but it would appear your relationship was very different.

Fwiw, no, I wouldn't behave like that towards my mother, buy equally she wouldn't dream of behaving like that to me either.

Laiste · 05/01/2018 07:49

You never see anyone on the relationships board telling posters to put up with bad/manipulative/abusive behavior from a spouse or a sibling in case they drop dead!. Why is it any different if it's a parent? Makes me angry.

My mother went through a phase (every.bloody.time we spoke) telling me i aught to answer my phone/ring her more often because she might be dead and no one would know. She has a fall alarm, a social life more busy than mine, goes out most days and ''can't be bothered to take her mobile with her'' when she goes. In the end i said well if i ring and you're not answering because you're dead there's not a lot either of us will be able to do about it is there? So stop worrying. Harsh, but emotional blackmail pisses me off.

BeyondThePage · 05/01/2018 07:49

I see every day EXACTLY why the mum thinks the DD should be available to reply.

DH brother is a case in point - he seems attached to his phone umbilically - until his mum rings or texts - then he ignores her - she texted him once when in the kitchen just to see what would happen - he ignored her , when she repeated the text, he texted back "I'm busy right now" - yeah, busy watching youtube whilst his mum was cooking his dinner in the kitchen (he's 45).

pictish · 05/01/2018 07:54

"I was raised to put up with people negatives as well as enjoy there positives."

Well...aint that just a can of worms? How does one define a person's negatives as put-uppable with, in a general context? Surely it depends on variables such as circumstances, personal boundaries and the nature of the relationship in question?
It's not a good stance to simply say 'put up with other people's negatives', for often therein madness lies.

Fwiw my own mother died some years ago and I'd give my eye teeth for one more conversation with her...but I'm also grounded enough to know that I'd soon tire of being effectively pestered for constant contact and attention by her or anyone else. Not that my mum would have done that because she wasn't a bloody pest.

Swipe left for the next trending thread