Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum and her texts

82 replies

Imaginosity · 04/01/2018 20:54

I'm fed up of my mum in general as she's over-emotional, overbearing and seems to think she can demand I behave a certain way. Its like she holds me responsible for her happiness.

She sent me a text today asking if I could help her with something next week. An urgent reply was not required and I was very busy today minding a group of children so didn't reply when I glanced at the message. I was intending on helping her.

When I hadn't replied within 2 hours I got a snotty text demanding a reply. This kind of got my back up as she often sends these demanding texts. I decided I would reply a bit later. Then within an hour I had a text saying not to bother replying at all. Then a short time ago another text about how I am affecting the mood in their house but luckily my sister has invited them somewhere tomorrow so that has helped their mood a bit. She said she will hold off telling my dad about me not replying.

I have children but when they grow up I hope I never demand they do things. I hope I'm a nice enough mum and they want to come and see me through choice not through obligation and because I'm guilt-tripping them.

OP posts:
Laiste · 05/01/2018 07:55

beyond i imagine he knew his mother was in the same house and was texting him to get a reaction.

BeyondThePage · 05/01/2018 08:02

beyond i imagine he knew his mother was in the same house and was texting him to get a reaction

it is his default reaction though - despite ALWAYS having the phone in his hand.

friends get an immediate response - even during meals (grr), family have to wait.

EnterFunnyNameHere · 05/01/2018 08:16

"I was raised to put up with people negatives as well as enjoy there positives."

Not sure why you are on MN then! Most threads are complaining/asking advice about people's negatives Wink

magicsoakingmyspine · 05/01/2018 08:27

I remember when I was a child, the home phone ringing and my mum telling to me to answer it and if it's her mum, tell her she's not back from work yet.

I always think of this when I'm strapping the DC in the car, going round Sainsbury's etc. and mum phones my mobile, I feel she's got me all the time because If I don't answer then I'm being rude, she on the other hand, could get away with being blatantly rude.

Strummerville · 05/01/2018 08:39

she's over-emotional, overbearing and seems to think she can demand I behave a certain way. Its like she holds me responsible for her happiness

My dad is EXACTLY the same. You've described him spookily well. I've had the very same thoughts that you express at the end of your OP, about being determined never to be this way with own DC.

I've drawn back from him a lot these last six months, since I realised that his constant messages and emotional manipulation were causing me so much stress. I could write a lot more but have to leave for work in a minute (and it would be a loooooong post if I got started).

But Jesus H Christ, you really have described my father in your post about your mother. Wow.

diddl · 05/01/2018 08:56

She sounds so manipulative.

Making others responsible for your happiness is ridiculous.

Will you help her with what she wanted or not?

I'd be tempted not to.

I don't "do" mobiles-ususlly only have one with me when travelling.

My landline shows who is calling so I answer or not as I wish.

I'm wondering if there will be a "backlash" against mobiles.

The fact that people are always contactable, which was the point of them, now seems to be what people hate about them as they want to pick & choose what to answer.

lookingforthecorkscrew · 05/01/2018 08:59

My DH’s mum was like this, it escalated to the point that we went NC. We just couldn’t reason with her.

Original poster
Imaginosity · 05/01/2018 14:31

I replied to her texts this morning - a brief message confirming I could help - I didn't refer to her previous texts. The reply I got back was 'at long last a reply!' and she went on to say she had been about to ask someone else to help her. The thing she asked for help with is not urgent and does not need an immediate answer. Also, I would have replied yesterday eveningif it weren't for the increasingly dramatic texts I was getting.

She also said she had not told my dad about me not replying yesterday! She was really saying she had protected him from knowing how horrible his daughter is.

Maybe I'm overreacting but these texts bug me so much. I'm nearly 40 years old and have my own life and family. I would love to have a mum I am close to and could chat with but all this behaviour makes me want to run away from her. MIL would never act like this to her daughters.

I rang her today and told her not to be sending these types of texts to me anymore. I said if she wants help just send a text asking for help and I will reply when I get a chance. I said I don't want anymore emotional and dramatic messages. She didn't say much and I ended the converation.

I just feel fed up that she is starting these arguments with me over nothing and making me seem like a bad guy. I have a few stressful things in my own life to deal with and I don't need this nonsense.

OP posts:
CorbynsBumFlannel · 05/01/2018 14:36

Well done op. If she persists then I would distance myself for a while until she realises you won’t put up with it.

EvilDoctorHogmanayDuck · 05/01/2018 14:45

That's exactly the same as my aunt Imaginosity! I kept trying to reply, then I'd get another text!

Original poster
Imaginosity · 05/01/2018 15:00

Now in her eyes I'm extra horrible because not only did I not reply to the text on time but I also made that phone call today.

Next time I see her she'll be all wounded looking - like she is a victim. I just want some clear boundaries in place as she does things like this constantly.

I feel like I'm just standing still and she is having a one-woman fight with me.

I think when you have children that is your choice and they don't owe you for the rest of their lives. It is absolutely lovely if you get on with your children and are close and you both want to spend time with each other and help each other out - but not all parent-child relationships are like this.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 05/01/2018 15:15

I can't believe you agreed to help her with the thing after all that carry on. Boundaries!

Don't reward bad behaviour. Don't do people favours if they give you shit, especially not if they give you shit when asking for the favour. That's one of the big rules of life.

GreenTulips · 05/01/2018 15:21

I'd have said - 'don't worry I'll let dad know'

Call her out on it and ring him! Will he really care?

sonjadog · 05/01/2018 16:42

Ah the wounded look - my mother does that too. It makes you feel like crap, I know. But for the greater good it has to be ignored. I try for bright and breezy when she pulls that one on me.

ElsieMay123 · 05/01/2018 17:14

I was on the phone today and during that call my DM rang three times in close succession. It was an important call I was on so I cancelled my mum's call each time, as she has form. After my important call I rang her back and asked what the emergency was; she had found a receipt with a voucher on it if you go again to the shop and wanted to know if I needed anything as she was going later in the week.

For the first time in an age (because I kept my cool and remembered this is how her brain works) I laughed, called her mad and explained that next time she should call once then text, and if in doubt ask herself 'what would a normal person do? Would they call three times or would that make it seem like an emergency of some sort?'. She almost understood, but I have no doubt this will happen again and again as it has been doing for decades.

I grew up with crippling anxiety, and these days I can certainly see what one of the contributing factors could have been (mum). I can't change her, but I can change how I react to her.

ElsieMay123 · 05/01/2018 17:16

Should have also said, in the past I've lost my shit with her for making me panic and them I'm the baddie because she was just trying to do something nice. It's a long road with family at times Wink

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 05/01/2018 17:24

Well done op. Hope that gives her something to think about and hopefully change her ways

Glad you have a lovely mil too.

NewAndOld · 05/01/2018 17:36

OP - You are not overreacting at all! This is so so hard because she is your mother.

I've had the same from my father for decades. He simply cannot understand that we are not his possessions and why we don't jump to his demands. He sees himself as the most selfless person in existence when in reality his selflessness revolves around his objectives. He pretends not to get offended when we do not meet his demands but he will hold it against us for years.

Easier said than done, but the only way to deal with this is not to get drawn in to the unreasonable behavior. I have started calling my father out as calmly as I can and it seems to working.

Horrible as it is, make sure you set your own boundaries and stick to them.

You are not alone - the world is full of these people. CHIN UP

Laiste · 05/01/2018 17:40

My DM is the reason we can't won't have an answer machine on our land line.

We were late to get one by everyone else's standards - early 2000s - and we were chuffed with it. DM was overjoyed with it ....

''hello?'' ......................... phone bangs down

10 mins later

''hello'' ......................... ''is there anyone there?'' bangs phone down.

10 mins later ............. ''it's me. is there anyone there? HUMPH. Call me back one of you .............''. phone bangs down.

Loads of this every day.

Once we had

''hello?''

10 mins later

''hello? I neeeeeeeeeeed heeeeeeeeeeelp''

What was the emergency? She wanted a flower pot shifted Hmm

I hate to say that sometimes we'd be in when this was going on - pretending not to hear it. She'd treat the answer machine like a summons. Never an actual bloody message. We got rid of the answer machine in the end.

VeganIan · 05/01/2018 19:34

I would stop deleting her texts. When you have pages of her whinging on - screen shot and print them out. Sit down with her and your dad and point out that it is NOT NORMAL. That you are 40 FFS and have a life. Would she rather you lost your job/neglected your family/wet yourself? Does she really want you to drop everything for her? Add in a bit about the boy who cried wolf, point out you don't need your dad to tell you off and set out your stall for the future. One call per week or whatever you are happy with.

Of course if she looks at the pages and pages of abuse and claims it is totally normal, then tell her she needs to see someone because IT IS NOT NORMAL and you are done. What's that phrase - if you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got.

Vanessatiger · 06/01/2018 04:53

Actually, a lot of the replies here, I recognise with my MIL. And somebody asked would she rather you “lost your job/family”.. euhhh for my MIL, she’d rather DH has no family/no children and alternately no job so he’ll be dependent on her. Some women (my MIL) are just like that. Treating her children as possessions.

CheeseyToast · 06/01/2018 05:04

OP your mother is behaving abysmally. This is just so bonkers that I suspect she is incapable of change so I imagine all you can do is to be firm about your boundaries.

You did very well to phone her and be so direct about her manipulative behaviour. Keep that up. Be firm, be consistent, and if she chooses to "punish" you by going silent, so be it.

It is so hard having crazy parents especially when posters like cabin pop up to perpetuate the myth of the parent, that somehow it is acceptable for parents to abuse their children. It's not.

mamabearsy · 06/01/2018 06:16

I could have written all of your posts. Everything. Glad to know I'm not alone...

LaContessaDiPlump · 06/01/2018 06:44

God. My mother (dead, by the way, cabin) was not quite as bad as this but clearly of the same ilk. I miss her but not the fucking irritating martyr-ish twattery. This sort of thing actively reduced my respect for her.

Good on you having the talk, op. Mine would have sulked so much that I wouldn't have bothered.

Snowdrop18 · 06/01/2018 10:01

Good on you OP. It's ridiculous behaviour - and I find it equally bizarre, if not more, when people say "ooh, one day the person annoying the crap out of you will be dead" - well, yes, quite!!

my dad has spent the last few years being an utter arsehole while simultaneously moaning that no one will miss him when he's gone.

I like how you phrase it, OP, about future relationships with their kids. I hate this idea of "I raised you, you owe me everything".

Your mother might learn something from this exchange, you never know....but equally she might not, and in that case I'd keep a distance.