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AIBU?

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Original poster

To change places with DP

104 replies

Anyname123 · 04/01/2018 08:38

Things have come to a head with DP not pulling his weight at home, and I'm desperate for a resolution before I have to LTB.

I plan to switch roles for a month. So I won't do any thinking or anything proactive. I will however "help" if he asks me to. But I'll tutt and roll my eyes and be a bit obtuse about it.

So if he asks me to go food shopping I'll ask for a shopping list. If he asks me to make dinner I'll ask what to cook and how to cook it. If he asks me to clean the bathroom I'll do a half arsed job and leave shit stains in the toilet. If he asks me to put clean clothes away I'll claim not to be able to put his away as I won't know where they go.

Is this the most childish plan ever or might it work to get him to understand how absolutely fucking exhausting it is carrying the mental load? And how do I keep strong and overlook the inevitable mess and dirt that he "doesn't see", and the missed birthday cards etc for his family?

For context I work one day less than him, but on my extra day off I'm looking after DD. I accept the blame for a lot of this as I've inadvertently enabled his lazy fuckery up until now, but no more!

OP posts:
Sunnyjac · 04/01/2018 08:45

Go for it and let us know if it works!

ButchyRestingFace · 04/01/2018 08:49

Sounds good but you may have to rinse and repeat at regular intervals ovee the years if he starts to get sloppy again.

I wouldn’t necessarily expect any Road to Damascus conversions but you can but try. 👍

LaurieFairyCake · 04/01/2018 08:49

He's not going to ASK you to go shopping/clean the bathroom

Instead he's going to complain there's no food. He's not going to notice the bathroom.

DutifulDaughterWifeMother · 04/01/2018 08:51

Just do it! But do it in a non confrontational way. So then he can’t pick a fight or say you are being unreasonable. He needs to see what is involved in running a home. X

DutifulDaughterWifeMother · 04/01/2018 08:55

He will notice if things aren’t being done, I did it & my husband did take notice which is just as well as my health has deteriorated and he has really stepped up. X

Tobuyornot99 · 04/01/2018 08:56

Thanks all, I'm going to suggest it to him tonight. He'll probably think he's on to a right winner as he can delegate every thing to me, but if I'm as obtuse about it all as he is then he'll soon realise it's quicker to do some things himself, and will soon be a frazzled, exhausted mess. That'll teach him (hopefully!)

mummydoc123 · 04/01/2018 08:58

We will need regular updates though anyname! Might need to do the same.

Softkitty2 · 04/01/2018 09:02

Do it but be prepared for the mess but keep strong.

saladdays66 · 04/01/2018 09:03

Buy him a copy of Wifework too

AnnieAnoniMouse · 04/01/2018 09:04

God I bet you long to live with an actual grown up.

Let us know how you get on.

WeirdCatLady · 04/01/2018 09:05

Instead of playing games, which I guarantee won’t actually work, how about you just talk to him, like grown ups? All your ‘switch’ will achieve is that you will spend the month twitchy about the mess and seething that he apparently hasn’t noticed. If he wants to stay in a grown up relationship, he needs to pull his weight. If he won’t do that, then you need to split up.

VeganIan · 04/01/2018 09:09

He's not going to ASK you to go shopping/clean the bathroom

Instead he's going to complain there's no food. He's not going to notice the bathroom.

Yeah he's not going to ask you to do anything. He's just going to wonder why the Cleaning/Birthday/Shopping Fairies haven't been. I'd suggest a list and a rota but that in itself is wifework.

Imbroglio · 04/01/2018 09:11

The flaw in your plan is that you've got a child so you'll end up doing the shopping and cleaning anyway for their sake.

Could you focus on specific jobs like cooking dinner? Then if he doesn't do it you can still make cheese on toast or open a tin of soup for you and your daughter (or go out).

My sympathies. My ex rarely did anything around the house and it really pissed me off. It grinds you down being expected to just do all the grot all the time.

Prusik · 04/01/2018 09:13

This is a really interesting idea. I've pretty much always just left stuff to DH. Sometimes it takes a while but he is pretty good at getting stuff done eventually

Emmasmum2013 · 04/01/2018 09:16

He'll probably take up the mantle and do a good job.
Whenever I've demanded that my DH do more around the house, he always surprises me with how competent he is with these things. Yet on normal occasion he'll act as though he's totally incompetent and I have to do it because he can't. Which is entirely more frustrating because then you realise he actually had no excuse for never doing it in the first place.
I've learned now that he just does not have as much motivation as me to do things around the house. I have to ask for whatever I want doing.. I know its not the prefect scenario but it works for me. I just have to ask rather than doing it myself.
Also helps that we have separate bathrooms so I can just keep mine nice and whatever state his is in doesn't bother me!

Zaphodsotherhead · 04/01/2018 09:17

He won't notice. After a week you will be knee deep in dirty dishes, he'll be sniffing shirts to see if they can do another day and turning his underpants inside out.

Men like this genuinely don't care. And if they secretly do care, they will pretend not to, until you give in. Tried something similar myself (not washing my XH's shirts unless he put them in the laundry basket rather than dumping on the floor). Eventually ended with him having a MASSIVE temper tantrum and me having to wash and iron three week's worth of shirts in one go. But he was a dick.

Original poster
Anyname123 · 04/01/2018 09:17

Thanks for the mixed responses. I do think I'd possibly just spend the month with a cats bum face and get anxious about things being missed and do them anyway. And exactly as Imbroglio says I couldn't let DD go without so would end up doing it anyway.
Has anyone successfully "trained" a DP to be a fully functioning adult member of the household and actually dumped some of the wife work?

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 04/01/2018 09:19

So your going to tell him it's all his job, and that you will do stuff he normal does.....lol
Maybe tell him it starts in a weeks time, and can he compile a list this week of his jobs,
Also make sure your list is VERY visible, and mark on it daily what you are doing so he can see it grow...

Underparmummy · 04/01/2018 09:22

My dh is reasonably enlightened (but not quite as much as he thinks he is). I didn't enable very much pre children though, I remember my mum telling my off for not ironing his work shirts (we both worked 12 hour days at this point!).

We try to work to skills - eg I do laundry, food shopping and diary organisation, he does cooking and diy... I really would just suggest an evening where you divvy up the main household tasks between you.

Snowdrop18 · 04/01/2018 09:23

I think do you what you need for you and DC but not for him.

so if he asks where his dinner is, say "you didn't tell me what to cook" etc.

Don't cats bum mouth about it. There is a good reason for doing this.

I'm assuming this is a last resort though!

LizB62A · 04/01/2018 09:27

@mummy2017's list is a very good idea !

timeisnotaline · 04/01/2018 09:27

He might notice. If he wonders why there’s no food, that’s easy - no one asked me to go ahopping. For what it’s writing, you work 4 days and some of this stuff you should never do ie put away his clothes (unless they really do pull their weight). It’s worjt a try, you need to try and pick a few things he really cares about and make sure they are not done. And if something isn’t done for dd t is a valid excuse to lose your shit ,because who wants to bring up a child with someone who can’t actually look after them? Including reading the notices from childcare etc.

cakecakecheese · 04/01/2018 09:30

I did something similar to this with an ex partner. His mother came and did the housework while I was at work.

newyearnewname18 · 04/01/2018 09:31

I trained DH very early on. I got sick of him not contributing (not helping!!) so I stopped doing the cleaning etc. These days he is the one nagging me.

I am not a naturally tidy person, although of course I prefer everything to be tidy. I never bug him though if the house isn't clean unless it's his crap. I never expect him to tidy up after me but I also won't be responsible for tidying up after him.

Corroboree · 04/01/2018 09:35

The problem is that some people don't care enough to do this stuff, they're too selfish to worry about the others in the household.
Over years I have cut back what I do for my husband, so any clothes not in the laundry basket do not get washed, end of. His shirts I will not iron (I work FT, and have two children with additional needs)- result he wears unironed shirts. I stopped sharing baths with him (yes, we shared for years because it's actually lovely to do), due to time constraints, and I shower instead- result he bathes less frequently than is pleasant for people.
I don't open mail and file it for him any more- result is it's just picked up unopened in his office.

Effectively, I have three children.

Please don't let your marriage become like this- speak to him, discuss a fairer division of what needs doing.

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