To change places with DP

[Anyname123]

Things have come to a head with DP not pulling his weight at home, and I'm desperate for a resolution before I have to LTB.

I plan to switch roles for a month. So I won't do any thinking or anything proactive. I will however "help" if he asks me to. But I'll tutt and roll my eyes and be a bit obtuse about it.

So if he asks me to go food shopping I'll ask for a shopping list. If he asks me to make dinner I'll ask what to cook and how to cook it. If he asks me to clean the bathroom I'll do a half arsed job and leave shit stains in the toilet. If he asks me to put clean clothes away I'll claim not to be able to put his away as I won't know where they go.

Is this the most childish plan ever or might it work to get him to understand how absolutely fucking exhausting it is carrying the mental load? And how do I keep strong and overlook the inevitable mess and dirt that he "doesn't see", and the missed birthday cards etc for his family?

For context I work one day less than him, but on my extra day off I'm looking after DD. I accept the blame for a lot of this as I've inadvertently enabled his lazy fuckery up until now, but no more!

Yep, do it. How easy will it be for you to go full-time at work for the duration of this experiment though, and does he have enough holidays so he can take an extra day off a week? No doubt he will appreciate having a week when the payments into the family pot are reduced too, where he puts the amount of money into the joint account that you are putting in, and you put the amount into the account that he is putting in. Then you would both have a true awareness of the contribution of the other to the household.

Oh silly me, you expect him to do the housework that you do while working part-time while he is working full-time, and you don't want to do the "wife work" but still expect him to do the "husband work" (being the main breadwinner). Come on, if you really think he has it easier than you, do the whole swap, not just bits of it!!

Don't let him know it's just for a month.

And what's the plan when the month's up?

I did train DH. I left his dishes in the sink, his mess on the floor or on his side of the bed, refused to clean the house for his mum's visits, cooked for myself.

He got it (mostly). I'll still be the one to say let's get started on the house cleaning but all of his chores get done without input from me. In fact, he gets annoyed if I tell him how to do things, which is fair enough.

Just need him to be the one who gets up and says 'let's start on the house'.

Forgot to say that the fridge became full up really quickly because of DPs habit of putting the empty food containers back in the fridge rather that in the bins which are BESIDE THE FRIDGE.

So this made it difficult to store fresh food ( which I eat and he doesn’t). And i had to learn to survive on eg cheese and apple because he only made pizza / fish fingers / ready meals etc for him and the kids and I can’t eat them.

So it was neither quick or easy. But desperate times need desperate measures.

BTW I had to laugh at the poster who said “ why don’t you talk to him about it ? “ . Because none of us had ever thought of talking before

harsbuttrue

OP works just ONE day less than DH.

Where she is looking after their DD.

That one day is not enough to take care of dd AND do all the housework.

You are seriously deluded.

Can't you just sit him down and explain how angry/upset you are at his lack of effort and help, and say it's making you so unhappy you're prepared to leave over it? Then get a family organiser so you make a decent agreement over who needs to what and when, and that it's non negotiable for either or you. Can you afford to get a cleaner for a few hours a week and at least then you know the house is clean to an acceptable standard? I think that he's probably not aware of how angry and frustrated you are, but if he then carries on dumping it all on you when you've told him, THEN you have an issue.

I did this, sort of - not the full hog like you say and I'd rather be exhausted knowing my house was clean than expect my DP to do a decent job of it! And I don't mind putting his clothes away as I'm usually doing mine at the same time and they go in the same wardrobe it maybe takes an extra minute.
But I stopped making tea every night, I hate cooking anyway and he would always moan that he 'didn't fancy that tonight' so I stopped buying food (except for my DS and my breakfast/lunch stuff) so when he came home and asked whats for tea I'd say whatever you want to have love - knowing he'd ultimately have to go back out and buy ingredients. Didn't really work as he just ended up ordering a take away but after a week or so that novelty worn off and he started texting me what he wanted for tea that night at some point during the day (usually after i'd already been to the shop) so I'd reply with a shopping list for him and he'd come home leave the bag on the counter and go for a shower, expecting me to start tea and got huffy when I hadn't. Now he cooks more often - I'd say we are half and half now - and the reality is he's a much better cook than me and sometimes will take over when I'm cooking because we both know the food will taste better if he does it!
I'd say you have a good plan there, just don't expect any changes over night!

Ilovetv - DH had always done his own washing and ironing.

It was all the housework that I wanted him to see and so his fair share of.

Oh and also cooking. I cook, so he washes up. But 'what's for dinner' gets so bloody annoying. I'd love to come home to a cooked meal.

It's all very childish.

Surely if you work one day less then then there can't be that much to do on the other days bar cooking and washing up if you clean that day.

Just split everything evenly after you've both done the same number of hours (either house stuff or actual work). It's not hard. Far better than playing games.

@Anyname123

I used to have a manchild. He left suddenly, got a younger woman, no kids and leads the life of Riley. Now I do even more! Be careful what you wish for.

I'd rather be exhausted knowing my house was clean than expect my DP to do a decent job of it

really Lalaland?

Yellow

OP is looking after DD on her day off

DH became so much better at many things - after I nagged the living soul out of him but he definitely had to when my fibromyalgia got really bad.
We still have divided roles though as I know if I don't do some things, they won't happen but I also let him do stuff I normally don't do so we just accept we do stuff we are good at on our own and share things we can do together.
Reminder of birthdays, presents etc. still stays with me though as the most of the mental workload. He's handier at taking over and doing plenty of creative things with DD though so that's almost fine with me, but I tend to do things difficult for me with my control freakism anyway.

Mine got better after many arguments

For example he'd complain about the mess - I'd tell him it wasn't my mess but the kids mess - nothing of mine had chance to be out of its hiding hole
He wants food? Kitchens that way -
No loo roll - Tesco is round the corner -

Last week he said 'we' need to buy some new bed covers - yes YOU can do that of that's what you want - you go to the shops and you purchase them - my input isn't not required -

Good luck with the strike it does work

In my experience, it's unlikely to work.

Instead you end up extremely frustrated and weepy and then you have to sort out even more shit later on. And resent him even more.

Thank you all for your comments.

To those who think I should do all the wife work as I work one day a week less, I don't think that's fair really. I'm a nurse, my work is absolutely bloody relentless, I often work night shifts then stay up all day with DD due to lack of chilcare. DP has an office job and has lunch breaks and can go to the loo and have a drink (some shifts this is a dreamland luxury to me). So I think although I work a day less I do as much in my 32 hours as he does in his 37. Anyway I digress.

I'm sorry to hear that many of you have the same battles as I do, but in a way it's good to know I'm not alone. I am going to sit with a pen and paper and show him in black and white what I do vs what he does, maybe this will sink in a bit. And ask him to take on some very specific tasks and let him carry on. Maybe we could stretch to a cleaner once a fortnight too, it may save our relationship!

I wonder if a system would work here that I’ve found really helpful for dividing up anything fairly:

1. Sit down together and make a full list of everything that needs doing. Be specific about the standard it needs to be done to.

1. One of you divides the list into two “piles” they deem fair and equal.

1. The other one gets to choose first which of the “piles” they want.

Did he become like this after marriage? After you moved in? Or after your child was born? Did you start doing everything when you were on mat leave?

When I was single and childfree, a lot of my friends would stay with someone who was lazy, because they were in lurve. But love's not enough. 'Oh, he's bad at cleaning/doesn't see dirt/forgetful,' 'He needs looking after'. Invariably, after moving in together it was obvious he was just a lazy slob who didn't give a shit and/or thought all lifework was women's work.

I learned from them to dump any guy whose place or car was a total tip.

It is hugely frustrating when both partners work, yet your work at home is not evenly divided.
My DH is mostly pretty good but will drift towards laziness which does cause friction.
To some extent we mostly divide tasks up so we do things we like, so he cooks, I do laundry. But he would quite happily leave all 'admin' to me which I think is unfair, so there are certain things I refuse point blank to do (knowing if I do them once, he'll expect it again) so this means, cars, mobile phone contracts and dealing with the computer. I sort out day to day things and we decide between us on stuff like utilities and insurance.
I do not take responsibility for his parents birthdays but do share with present buying for our kids birthdays and Christmas.
I do much more of the cleaning and gardening but expect him to do more of the diy and decorating.
We had a cleaner for a while and if you can afford it, would recommend it as a way not to squabble over cleaning. I may get a new one in the new year, mine had to reduce her client list so let us go.

Good luck with your strike, problem is he probably won’t see the mess or be bothered, you’ll be the one gritting your teeth.
My ex was really lazy, didn’t even do ‘man jobs’. He refused to do gardening as he didn’t like to do that was down to me too. Or I would ask repeatedly for him to empty the kitchen bin and he would just push the stuff down further so when I finally cracked and had to empty it I could barely lift it out it was that heavy! The last few months though before he left I stopped doing his laundry totally. Small victories.
Just do stuff for you and DD and let him sort himself.

The only thing that made any difference in my marriage was when I became so strung out, tired and fucked off that I genuinely had enough and said we were splitting up. It was only when my DH saw that I was deadly serious (and I was - I actually hated him at that point) that he finally saw that my tears, pleading, etc etc weren't just a woman being irrational (as he had been trained to see it every day of his life since he was born) but a genuine heartfelt request for a partner he was supposed to love for the support and partnership she desperately needed. It was a total attitude change that was needed, and that's what happened.

We now share everything 50/50 - in fact, I reckon he does a fair bit more than I do. I genuinely enjoyed Christmas because for once I wasn't worrying about tidying the house, organising the food etc etc etc etc. We did it all together and it was fun.

If this change hadn't happened I would have divorced him. As I said to him at the time, my life would be easier with him gone as I would no longer have to tidy up after him and he would have the children on his own for at least some of the week. There was just no point in being with him any more, lovely as he was (and is).

He grew up in a misogynistic society with a misogynistic father and a martyr mother. He needed to unlearn the idea that the house and children were my job (an idea that he would never admit to, but which influenced his behaviour entirely). Once he unlearned it, there was no need for rotas or begging or discussion or strikes or any such nonsense - he can see what needs to be done to make our life, as a partnership work and he does his bit. I do my bit and everything works smoothly.

I feel like a different person tbh. It's made an unbelievable difference to my life.

I'm afraid I highly doubt it will work as he won't worry about things being done like you do. Believe me I sympathise but don't really see this being the answer.

I've started responding to feigned incompetence with "figure it out". I'm sick of it too.

www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/11141910/36-household-chores-men-dont-bother-to-do.html

There’s several problems with chore lists

1. They can miss out many chores that are invisible to men , like arranging and hosting play dates for children or buying clothes

1. They need to be detailed and explain what’s in each job. Eg laundry includes finding and sorting clothes, reading the care labels, checking pockets, turning inside out or buttoning up items, washing, drying, ironing and putting away clothe, cleaning filters and emptying out water.

Many men think its pressing a button on the washing machine .

1. The list needs an allocation of hours. That’s how men get away with saying “ well I insure the car each year and she does all the cooking , so it’s fair “.

1. Many tasks are time critical and men stall these so that women have to do them eg taking the kids to school, sending cards and gifts.

1. There’s needs to be a quality standard, otherwise men will order in a pizza when it’s their turn to cook .

And yes I know NAMALT. But that’s whay we are talking about on this thread.

Personally I do think you have to refuse to do it all. Be clear about why and stick to it. Resentment is a relationship killer, I say this as I've had a rather frank discussion with my DH over his attitude to Christmas this year!

At one point DH tried to claim that he 'didn't know' how to clean a bathroom.

So I gave him the most patronising humiliating lesson possible. I gave him an in depth tutorial on wiping, a very detailed demonstration of how to use a toilet brush.

God I was so angry. He got the message.