To change places with DP

[Anyname123]

Things have come to a head with DP not pulling his weight at home, and I'm desperate for a resolution before I have to LTB.

I plan to switch roles for a month. So I won't do any thinking or anything proactive. I will however "help" if he asks me to. But I'll tutt and roll my eyes and be a bit obtuse about it.

So if he asks me to go food shopping I'll ask for a shopping list. If he asks me to make dinner I'll ask what to cook and how to cook it. If he asks me to clean the bathroom I'll do a half arsed job and leave shit stains in the toilet. If he asks me to put clean clothes away I'll claim not to be able to put his away as I won't know where they go.

Is this the most childish plan ever or might it work to get him to understand how absolutely fucking exhausting it is carrying the mental load? And how do I keep strong and overlook the inevitable mess and dirt that he "doesn't see", and the missed birthday cards etc for his family?

For context I work one day less than him, but on my extra day off I'm looking after DD. I accept the blame for a lot of this as I've inadvertently enabled his lazy fuckery up until now, but no more!

Can you show him the my wife left me because I left my dishes by the sink article and explain that you are seriously considering leaving be because of the issue? Id stop doing any work for him (washing, cooking, clearing up his dishes)until he 'gets' it

He fundamentally does not respect you. I don't think you can change that. Unless maybe you go to counselling together to find out why?

MY DP is also like this. I've tried not doing things to see if they get done and then I just get so embarrassed if visitors come over and he just moans 'at the state of the place'. I've realised though, I don't mind doing 80/20 IF I feel like he appreciates it. If I feel like he notices, realises I put in more effort and is thankful. Then I'm more inclined to let it slide...

So I just harp on about 'appreciating me' and hope that works!

LeCroissant I could have written your post myself, word for word! I wrote it all down for my DH in a letter, as I felt I wouldn't be able to make all the points without getting upset and frustrated, which would end up in DH trying to console me rather than hearing/understanding what the actual issue was. So I wrote it all down, spent a long time writing and re-writing so that in the end the letter said exactly how I felt, no shouting, no name-calling etc. and still now I would stand over every word in it. He was shocked. Really genuinely shocked. And he knew that when I said I was at the end of the line with it all, I meant it. Things have improved so much, our marriage is in a far better place now than it ever was.
OP I think you have to be prepared to walk if things don't change (if you feel you can't stand to live like that any longer, like I did) and make sure he knows it.
Good luck!

I disagree -

I have always done the kids washing cooking etc and as they are now teens I am insisting they help out, bring their washing down change their bed etc - there is some resistance until they realise that A) Clothes not brought down don't get washed B) doing PE in last weeks kit is unpleasant

Their choice

I just picked a dp that was a fully functioning adult

One of the points that I made to my DH was that if he came to me with an issue that made him stressed, tired, upset, I'd do whatever I could to try and make it better. But he saw me stressed, tired and upset and all he thought was about how to shut me up for the time being before then just going back to his lazy ways. Fundamentally he didn't believe that I was genuinely stressed - he had been so well trained to see women's work as nothing, that he felt I should just be able to do it all without bothering him about it and that my stress was just womanly whining - 'nagging' - FUCK how I hate that word!!!

He admits all that now but at the time of course he made all the right noises about wanting to 'help' etc - it was a total headfuck.

I have to admit to feeling quite angry with myself that I put up with such disrespect for such a long time. DH is mortified with himself that he was unknowingly such a dick.

Oh crikey, I see myself in this.

I work full time and DH works part time and therefore is kind of "in charge" of the household running. I rang him today and asked him what we needed before I went to the shops (for something for me, not the household) and now have a shopping list. I'm not incapable - I could have looked in the cupboards but on another level I see it as his "thing" and didn't want to get it wrong by getting the wrong stuff - I realise how pathetic that sounds but does it in some ways explain what is seen as lazy fuckery of (mostly) male partners?

This has given me a bit of a wake up call although we kind of divide our tasks so I mainly, do the laundry, he mainly does the cooking and shopping etc. I will be aware of my lack of thinking....

Flippety I think there's a difference between consulting the person who has more of a handle on things before doing something and abdicating all responsibility for it IYSWIM. So DH does most of the kids' washing and bed changing. If I'm going to do it I'll check with him so I don't mess up any plans he has - I see that as being helpful rather than lazy.

The situation I'm talking about, at least, is far worse. EG I cleaned the bathroom for 12 years, DH never touched it. So when we moved to the house we're in now I said I wasn't going to clean the bathroom any more, DH had to do it for the next 12 years. He laughed and agreed (this was well before the point at which I wanted a divorce btw). Three weeks later the bathroom was absolutely humming and I asked when he was going to clean it, only to be met with a sulky face and an assertion that he was 'just about' to do it. So he did a really fucking poor job. I then did a better job, without making a fuss, because I figured he just needed to get into a routine with it (see, I didn't see what was going on at all!). A month later the bathroom was absolutely disgusting again, so I asked again, again I had the sulking, the face the poor job. Repeat and repeat and repeat for nearly 3 years until I snapped. He had no intention of ever doing a consistent or half way decent job, he totally resented having to do it and he wanted to make is as annoying and inconvenient for me as possible. That's the sort of shit I'm on about.

Slippery, if you divide the tasks other that's different. He takes charge of shopping. Although if it's something for you, then I'm sure he would appreciate you checking yourself .

Although I think cooking and shopping takes more time than laundry. I'd go for laundry every time. Unless you're including ironing in laundry?

*Flippety not slippery

And of course, if he works p/t and you f/t, then he would do more.

Sounds like you have a good set up. Don't regress because of this thread!

It’s a great plan, but your home will look like a tip within a week.

My DH offers to help and then says “tell me what wants doing” I politely remind him that nobody tells me what needs doing and for him to use his own judgment. Women are from Venus, men are from mars!

Do it do it do it!! I have felt like doing this oh so many times. My DH isn't too bad but similarly asks me all the F'ing time where things are (e.g. uniform, tights, the calpol syringe etc etc), 'what should I cook' 'what do I need to take on this day out etc' it does my head in. I don't tell him anymore, I literally ignore him when he asks those questions and he has FINALLY got the message and engaged his brain to think for itself.

Agree with what someone else said though about divvying up chores. We did this and it sort of helped...he now does the shopping (and asks me everything) and cleans the kitchen and basically I do the rest but it's better than nothing and I do work less.

No - I never iron! (Unless one or other of us is working where we're going to be "seen" - then I'll offer but today he just did his own)

I think we have a nice set up but maybe because I do less than he does. I'll question him tonight and see what his thoughts are!

Quite frankly, it doesn't matter how it came to being the norm in your house - it's absolutely right that it should stop. I wouldn't be accepting any blame for him being lazy unless you actively encouraged it.

Working 32 hours a week is very nearly full time, especially as a nurse.

We play to our strengths. DH cooks, food shops and cleans the kitchen. I do everything else house/finance related. We split child stuff 50/50. Without this clear division of labour, I think we'd argue about it but the system works for us.

Good luck OP. I'd suggest communicating that you're not happy with how things are and that they need to change and discuss how - he then needs to step up and get on with it without driving you to 'nag' about it.

I think the problem is a lot of the 'man jobs' (hate that term, I live alone and do ALL the jobs) are things that only need doing occasionally. Bins, once a week. DIY, unless you live in a doer-upper, only every so often. Decorating and gardening, similar. They aren't the soul-destroying EVERY BLOODY DAY jobs, like hoovering, washing up, laundry, cooking.

+1. It's something I often see on threads like this, 'he looks after things like the car, the bins and the garden'.

With the garden, there are times of the year when there is probably damn all to be done with it. The bins, what exactly...in most households, stuff is put into the correct bin, as you go. Puts them out and brings them back in? Once a week? Maybe less. The car, again what exactly? Not much work involved there.

OP, I would suggest a strike is not the way to go, tempting as it might be. Try to get tasks divided reasonably fairly. And 'he does the car' or whatever, is not comparable to the everyday drudge of housework.

I doubt you'll get the response you want. You'll probably just end up sitting there getting angry and passive-aggressive before there's a blow up where he doesn't have a clue what's going on and will assume it's the time of the month or something.
Don't play games, it sends the wrong message and causes more problems than it could ever resolve.

I plan to switch roles for a month. So I won't do any thinking or anything proactive. I will however "help" if he asks me to. But I'll tutt and roll my eyes and be a bit obtuse about it

I like your style op

I'm sitting here mnetting, but going to work at 3. I've made dinner for dh and the dc's so he can come in from work and just heat it up. It's a nice home cooked dinner. But he's been off for 3 weeks and I've been working and not once have I came home to a nice cooked dinner.

And I'm pissed off.

I fear it's too late for us and I hate to admit it but I've brought up 2 teenage boys to be just like him.

My Ex also used to say ‘just ask me to do something etc’ and I would say - why should I ask you to do anything - if you see pots in the sink wash them, if there’s dishes on the side put them in the dishwasher, if dishwasher is finished empty it , if the carpet has crumbs Hoover it etc - was fed up with having to ask. But to top it off if I asked he would not do it, I would end up asking more than once which he then accused me of nagging and that he would go it in his own good time !

Good luck OP. I'm pretty pessimistic about your chances. I suspect the mess will bother you far more than it bothers him, he either genuinely doesn't notice (in which case he still won't), or he is resistant to doing it, in which case he'll stick out a month for the sake of not having to contribute.
I genuinely believe my DH doesn't care about mess, so this approach would not work for us. Perhaps yours is different, but if that was the case I don't think you'd have got to this point.

It is VERY hard to stay strong. So if your DP says “ we haven’t seen Emma and Bob for a while” most women check diary dates, invite them, check dietary requirements, shop, cook, clean the house and serve. While men pour the drinks.

So it takes a lot to just say “ yes you’re right”. And then do and say nothing.

When I stopped inviting DP family over to our house it took him TWO YEARS to do so. And he gave them coffee and cake. Literally just cake.

I spend two years doing hot buffets for his 25-30 close family members and he did fuck all but sneer at me for being stressed.

Thirding (or more-ing ) the point re some jobs (usually the "traditionally male" ones -gardening, "sorting" the car, once a year DIY, doing bins) being in no way comparable in terms of total time needed and endless drudgery of the daily washing, cleaning, cooking, planning etc.

Plus "sorting out bills" which is another job that is often given as an example of equal chore division. Ok in the 1950s perhaps this was a slightly time consuming job that involved checking the meters every quarter, writing cheques and sending them or whatever. Now I have smart meters and direct debits which took about 3 minutes to set up and don't spare them another thought, other than once a year checking if it is worth swapping to a cheaper deal.

"So if your DP says “ we haven’t seen Emma and Bob for a while” most women check diary dates, invite them, check dietary requirements, shop, cook, clean the house and serve. "

really? That kind of thinking is very far removed from mine. In fact I don't know anyone who thinks like that.

but what the OP needs is basic adulting from her DP, I think. He may have different standards for cleaning but it sounds like he's not doing much at all.