To stress about my DH's career

[Dietcokebae]

I'm new here, so hi everyone! I don't know if IABU about my DH's career prospects.

I have a job that pays well and has excellent career progression but is very demanding (long hours, high expectations etc). I really enjoy it but I understand that it may become difficult when we start a family (we v recently started ttc).

My husband works in a job which he loves and which pays reasonably well but offers practically zero scope for career progression and not much job security. There is nowhere for him to be promoted from where he is. He's incredibly clever and very hardworking and personable, so in a career with progression potential he could go really far.

For a long time while I was studying for my professional qualifications he was the breadwinner, though I now earn more than him. Neither of us has the slightest problem with that. I'm worried, however, that when (if!) we have a baby, I'll be under a huge amount of pressure to return to my job v quickly in order to ensure we have enough money. I also wouldn't be able to work part time as our combined income wouldn't be enough for our bills and mortgage etc.

I've spoken to my DH a few times about his career and he agrees that he needs to look for something else. He's so talented he could do almost anything - but time is ticking (both now 30) and I'm worried that the longer he leaves it the less employable he is.

The thing I find frustrating is that he won't take any active steps to decide what he needs to do next. I have researched loads of possible careers and he has dismissed them all as uninteresting, but never done any research of his own. I've suggested we put ttc on hold while he retrains if needed but he isn't keen. This has been going on for over a year with no progress - we are stuck in a cycle of him agreeing that he needs to decide what he wants to do, but never doing anything about it.

If I really thought he would be happy for ever in his job I wouldn't push it and I would find a way of making it work, but I don't think he will be happy there forever. It's a waste of his talents and he will get bored.

AIBU to want him to take this seriously and start putting some real effort into making plans for the future?

Are you projecting your own fears on to him? Are you planning on being a sahm when you have kids? None of your comments indicate he doesn't enjoy what he does. If he doesn't want to retrain then don't push it. Its his career and it doesn't sound like he is the one worried. Can you manage on his money?

I'm not planning on being a SAHM because I do love my job, but I would like the flexibility of being able to go part time if that felt right. I'd also like a full year of mat leave. I don't think we could do either without down-sizing (which is a possibility but seems like a big sacrifice).

I don't know - maybe I am projecting my own fears. I don't think he's unhappy in his job at all, I know he enjoys it. I do think it will end up unfulfilling though as it's just not the best use of his talents. DH has agreed with me when I have said that to him but it is very possible he's just saying so to keep the peace! The last thing I would want to do is force him out of a job he likes into one he doesn't for the sake of more money.

It's so difficult to know what to do - I wish I knew if he genuinely agrees with me or is just saying so to avoid an argument.

I think you need to have a forward planning discussion. It sounds as if you want to be a SAHM if you have DC and you are worried his salary will not support a family in the medium to longer term. What is he thinking though -would he prefer you to be a SAHM? Had he given the future any thought at all? I imagine it would be frustrating if he's the type who is happy to just plod along and you're a bit more dynamic by nature.

Sit down and ask him - How many DC would you like to have? Would you be comfortable about them going into childcare? If not, how are we going to work this? What lifestyle do we want for our children and what changes are you prepared to make to facilitate this?

What does, pays reasonably well, mean?

If it pays reasonably well and he loves what he does and you earn a good wage, then what’s the problem?

As long as the bills are covered then surely it’s more important for your baby to have a healthy and happy Dad than one who is stressed and (potentially) is a job he hates?

I think now, before you are pregnant is exactly the time to lay cards on the table and have the frankest discussion going.

This is the sort of vital, dare I say lifechanging, life stuff that many people don't bother with and only find out later down the road when the shit's hit the fan.

Isn’t the obvious solution for him to SAH?

I’m going to go against the grain here and say you sound a bit mean. Why should he give up a job he loves so you can go part time. You either scale back and try to manage, or you work full time. Don’t turn him into a villain cos he doesn’t want to retrain/end up doing a job he won’t enjoy.

You're both only 30, FGS. There are literally decades ahead where either of you could retrain or change careers. You don't get locked in amber at the age of 32.

The obvious solution here is that he takes the bulk of the parental leave. Frankly, unless you plan to spunk a lot of money on a nanny, one of you is probably going to need a career which can be in a holding pattern while you have very small children. But expecting him to somehow get a brand new high paying career AND move up it in time for you to take mat leave when you're already ttc is unrealistic. You either have to make sacrifices in your current lifestyle and expenses for you to take extended leave, or go back to work fairly quickly yourself and he takes the longer period of leave.

He's reasonably well paid in that we are comfortably off at the moment but would struggle when paying for baby / childcare etc unless I returned to full time work very quickly.

The main issue is that I feel he's in a job he likes but won't be fulfilled in forever and which pays ok but not brilliantly. I totally appreciate that things could be so much worse, and so I don't want to whine about it unreasonably. I just feel like he has SO much potential and would be so much more fulfilled (and better paid!) elsewhere. We were both lucky enough to have reasonably well-off families and I want to make sure our kids get the same opportunities we did. But I do understand that this isn't the worst problem anyone has ever had...!

Solasum - that is definitely a conversation we should have. If he would be keen it could be a good solution.

G1itterati - good advice! I just hope the conversation goes somewhere this time, because my previous attempts haven't felt very useful so far

If you have a baby fairly soon, could he use it as an opportunity for a career change? He could be a stay at home dad for a while, then once you get free childcare hours, retrain in something new.

I think YABU. He he seems to have a decent pay, enjoys his job. What is the problem. Not everybody wants a stressful career. Not everybody is career minded. Some people are perfectly content with a job they enjoy even though it doesn't have great prospect. Not everybody lives to work and there is nothing wrong with his attitude. I think it is sometimes rather healthy in the long run.

OP, do you want a more fulfilling career for your DH or a better paid DH for yourself. Sounds like his career progression (or lack of) is more about you.

he has a good pay and a job he loves. What exactly is the problem???

He sounds happy in his job and it pays reasonably well-what’s the problem?

Can’t you both save like mad now so you can afford to have your mat leave, and then you both work full time?

It sounds a bit like you want to push him into a stressful, highly paid job just so you can work less!

OP, I am baffled by your post. You say that you don't want to force him to switch but it sounds like you are repeatedly discussing options with him. I suspect he's going along with you to keep you happy rather than have an argument about it all.

None of your reasons are about him really (you have no idea if he will get bored, that's not your call to make), but you have mentioned that you want to maintain your lifestyle.
Two choices: keep nagging him to change, have an unhappy husband and a nice house.
Leave him be, remember why you married him, and be less well off but happier.

Roughly how much does he earn and how much do you think he should be earning?!

I feel he's in a job he likes but won't be fulfilled in forever and which pays ok but not brilliantly.

But it is not your job to decide these things. And in the absence of HIM saying he doesn't feel fulfilled/wants more money, YABU. If he feels unfulfilled or underpaid in the future, it will be his job to do something about that.

Not everyone wants to be ambitious and "fulfil their potential". Do not have kids with him on the basis of who you think he would be if he fulfilled his "potential". If you want to have kids with an ambitious go-getter, you should probably find someone else, because it doesn't sound like this guy is one. And that's OK. But if you want to be with a man who makes the bucks so you can go PT at something low-stress but still have a good lifestyle, think very carefully about proceeding.

I would say downsize so outgoings would be manageable on his salary, giving you the part time full mat year option.

@glow I'm totally not trying to make him out to be a villain. He's brilliant and lovely and I only want him to be happy. If I honestly felt he would be happy forever where he is I would find a way to make it work. The issue is that he agrees with me that he will want a career change, but won't be proactive about it at all. It leaves me wondering if he needs more help to find his path, or whether I need to totally back off because he's only agreeing with me to avoid a confrontation!

I don't really see a huge problem here. First of all you're only 30 so save for two or three more years so you can have a decent maternity leave. And could you do your job say three or four days a week and still manage financially. If he was writing poetry or something and being paid nothing that would be a different matter. But he is earning a fair amount you say. I agree it just sounds like you want a well paid husband. But not everyone can. There are not enough to go round!!

The issue is that he agrees with me that he will want a career change

you are obviously nagging him and he agrees with you to shush you. he does not need to agree with you on this matter when you raise it. He needs to really want it for himself but reading your posts, it's not latter.

expecting him to somehow get a brand new high paying career AND move up it in time for you to take mat leave when you're already ttc is unrealistic

This.
Especially if he also doesn't get to go part-time etc. Too.

You need to have a frank discussion with your DH, OP. But based in reality not what you want ideally.

Your desires don't reflect your actual realistic options here.

I was also going to suggest your DH staying a SAHD or go part time? You didn't mention in your post if he enjoys his current profession. I think it would be unfair to ask him to retrain if he is happy.

I only want him to be happy.

Oh, come ON. You've said in this very thread that you want him to make more money so you can take extended mat leave and go part-time. There is also no evidence whatsoever that HE wants these things for himself. What you want is to control what he does until he complies with what YOU think would make him happy, which coincidentally is what would make YOU happy. It makes precisely nobody happy to be nagged about getting a better job and earning more and living up to their potential. You sound like his mother.

It's OK to want a man who has a high-paying job so you can be PT. But get honest with yourself here. This isn't about him being happy. It's about you knowing better and trying to pour him into the mould you have in your head, which will do nothing but make him resentful. Accept him as he is now, leave his career in his hands, or find someone else to father your kids.

You knew what job and career he had when you married him. And yet you have the expectation that he will magically get a job which allows you to reduce your work and rely on him to be the breadwinner as you are entitled to have the same lifestyle as you both had growing up?

The obvious answer is to both save for you to take mat leave and then to consider whether you need to be the full time worker while he reduces his hours or gives up work. It may not be the life you expected but you know that the vast majority of people have to juggle these very issues just to make ends meet.

Also, op. You shouldn't be smothering him by researching options etc

He needs to want to do it, and then do it, himself.

You seem to be highly ambitious, focused, etc but you didn't marry someone who's shown he's the same. That's not a failure on him exactly.

You need to work with it. Having him as primary carer could be a huge supporter of YOUR ambitious nature