To stress about my DH's career

[Dietcokebae]

I'm new here, so hi everyone! I don't know if IABU about my DH's career prospects.

I have a job that pays well and has excellent career progression but is very demanding (long hours, high expectations etc). I really enjoy it but I understand that it may become difficult when we start a family (we v recently started ttc).

My husband works in a job which he loves and which pays reasonably well but offers practically zero scope for career progression and not much job security. There is nowhere for him to be promoted from where he is. He's incredibly clever and very hardworking and personable, so in a career with progression potential he could go really far.

For a long time while I was studying for my professional qualifications he was the breadwinner, though I now earn more than him. Neither of us has the slightest problem with that. I'm worried, however, that when (if!) we have a baby, I'll be under a huge amount of pressure to return to my job v quickly in order to ensure we have enough money. I also wouldn't be able to work part time as our combined income wouldn't be enough for our bills and mortgage etc.

I've spoken to my DH a few times about his career and he agrees that he needs to look for something else. He's so talented he could do almost anything - but time is ticking (both now 30) and I'm worried that the longer he leaves it the less employable he is.

The thing I find frustrating is that he won't take any active steps to decide what he needs to do next. I have researched loads of possible careers and he has dismissed them all as uninteresting, but never done any research of his own. I've suggested we put ttc on hold while he retrains if needed but he isn't keen. This has been going on for over a year with no progress - we are stuck in a cycle of him agreeing that he needs to decide what he wants to do, but never doing anything about it.

If I really thought he would be happy for ever in his job I wouldn't push it and I would find a way of making it work, but I don't think he will be happy there forever. It's a waste of his talents and he will get bored.

AIBU to want him to take this seriously and start putting some real effort into making plans for the future?

This could be a great situation for both of you. Being able to take shared parental leave might be ideal.

I would say that once children come along, being happy in your job whilst earning enough is priceless.

I think the reason you're getting a hard time here OP is that you seem to think your DH has a responsibility not just to earn a reasonable amount in a job he loves but to accommodate your desire to work less in a job you love while still getting the lifestyle of your higher salary. It's the wanting part-time working and a high standard of living and thinking he should move from a place he's happy with to get you everything you want that people seem to have problems with. Especially when it seems you could have children and mainly keep your lifestyle by you being the breadwinner and your DH taking the time out.

I would say that given his current lower earnings him staying home looks financially attractive, but would probably put him the position lots of women find themselves in where their career becomes less and less important to the family and they end up in a precarious financial position as the primary breadwinner's earning potential is supported and theirs takes a backseat time and time again. It also sounds like it isn't how you want to spend your childraising years (but he may not want that primary breadwinning role again either).

Could it be he thinks neither of you should really be pushing careers so hard? That you should both be putting family first and maybe downgrading your lifestyle is the way to go? Or is he just hoping it will all fall into place and you'll pick up all the pieces? I think how unreasonable you're being depends on how much of your dream he really shares.

I see LetsSplashMummy said it better than me

It doesn't sound to me as though he wants to retrain at all.

This is a couple who are both aged 30 and considering DC - I'm surprised so many PPs are suggesting they consider "downsizing" or "downgrading" their lifestyle. They are starting out in life - not retiring!

I'm ten years older than the OP, but I can see how much more difficult it is for younger families "these days." House prices where we live have doubled in that time for a start. If you want a certain lifestyle, most people are well into a plan for achieving this by their late 20s / early 30s, rather than just putting it off or leaving if to chance. The OP is not being selfish, she is being responsible and realistic because opportunities take planning, effort and time. Maybe her DH is not particularly suited to being at home with DC, part-time or otherwise. Even if he is, we all know that it's women who invariably end up shouldering the mental load anyway once DC come along, even if they are working as well. I think the OP sees that the lifestyle that she and her DH had as children is harder to achieve these days and we can't take anything for granted anymore.

I suppose it was unrealistic on my part to expect everyone to be nice, though!

If you want lots of people to suck up to you then Netmums is that way 👉

You might not like what you hear in Mumsnet but the vipers are often proved right.

Print the thread off and read it again in 5 years time.

This is a couple who are both aged 30 and considering DC - I'm surprised so many PPs are suggesting they consider "downsizing" or "downgrading" their lifestyle. They are starting out in life - not retiring!

Well, speaking as someone not much older, I highly recommend that anyone wanting both children and part time work consider keeping their lifestyle modest. Especially when the alternative isn't within their control, which it isn't in this case. So I'm not surprised at all. And it's worked brilliantly for DH and I.

I agree with you OP isn't being selfish necessarily, but the reality is that a lot of people find they can only have two of part time work, children and the lifestyle they would like. It's reasonable to consider which of the three is the least important to you.

I'm in a similar situation to the OP, except I earn about 4 tines as much as DH. We have been ttc for two years with only one mc but if we are blessed with children then he will be the SAHP and I will go back to work full time (probably after 4-6 months unless we can save a bit more). I'd love to become a SAHM like lots of mums I know but unfortunately I'm the breadwinner and, after lots of frank discussions and thinking, I've accepted it and wouldn't dream of getting DH to change jobs. He is happy and that makes me happy. We just need the luck of actually having a baby now.

OP, have a talk through with your DH and be open about what he has to say. It can be hard if you'd like to do one thing but it makes more sense to do something else, but you need to discuss it together. If you get preggers quickly then he can be SAHP but it will only be a few years before childcare hours kick in. While baby is little he can study or retrain with an evening course or something and work his way up from there. It makes more sense than him retraining now, while you're ttc, because chances are you'll be lucky and get preggers quickly. If you still really want him to get a different career then you need to stop ttc while he works on building that up to a level that gives you the chance to be a SAHM.

You would be wise to plan for 12 months mat leave as if you have a difficult birth/ill afterwards/ non sleeping baby you may need it. However you can't make your DH change jobs if he doesn't want to but equally he needs to listen to your concerns.
In your position I would find out how much mat pay I would get and say shall we have a financial trial run and live off my mat pay and your salary for 3 months. Any budget issues will come to a head and you'll have some savings, it will also hopefully make further discussions easier.

AYBU to want it all - No
AYBU to expect your DH to subscribe to that - without doubt

I agree with a pp above - these things are very important to iron out before you set out on raising a family. In your position, I'd be more worried that you and your DH are significantly mismatched in your life goals. Now is the time to have those very frank and open conversations. If there is one thing that you can guarantee, those mismatches will be magnified when children enter your world.

My Other Half is in exactly the same position as your DH. My own career aspirations could never have been fulfilled in that job - but that's fine, because it's not my career. But if I'd wanted my OH to "step up" more and meet my own career expectations, we would have parted company a long time ago.

I think you owe it to yourself and your DH to put your cards on the table as soon as possible. You need to have the convo fairly sharpish.......

You are not unreasonable about your partners career prospects in the sense that you have the absolute right to think about your future and what you want from it.

However what I would say that it is rare that someone loves their job and if he does so and has plenty of time to do something different in the future if he loses that love it would be fairly unreasonable to think you know best and push him into a change.

I personally do not see the problem in downsizing your lifestyle for a little while to be able to spend more time with a young family. Kids are only young for a small amount of time in the greater scheme of things. I may be unusual in this belief though.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

but would struggle when paying for baby / childcare etc unless I returned to full time work very quickly

If you weren't working why woukd you need to pay for childcare?

Why couldn't he go part time if you are the one with the high flier career?

it doesn't sound as if your high flying career is suited to part time work anyways....

Are you sure your not doubting your decision to marry him, really? Maybe deep down you wanted a go-getting ambitious husband?

I think Figgypudding's suggestion is very sensible.

DH and I only have the one DC and have worked about 4 days pw each on average since (she's 5). Neither of us are overly ambitious but I must say I was a lot more ambitious before I realised just how hard it is to be a good mum and a good employee when you have so much extra to remember and do and the DC wakes you up in the night.

My BIL is a bit like you describe your DH and no amount of researching and suggestions on my DSis's part has made a jot of difference to his career ambitions or achievements. You have to want these things for yourself.

On the other hand, it is possible having a DC will galvanise your DH into action. Sometimes that happens.

I’m in a very similar position. I’m very career focused and ambitious and DH frankly just isn’t. He recognises that he isn’t the most fulfilled in his current career but likes the company and has no burning desire to make any changes. He will never be promoted where he is due to the size of the company. I in contrast earn over 5 Times his salary. Do I wish he earned more - honestly yes sometimes, but then he would be a different person and not the man I love.
We are also TTCing and most sensible would be for him to be a SAHD. However I would be too jealous of this - selfish of me, yes probably, but I’m self aware enough to know my resentment would build up over time. Our solution is therefore to both work 4 days a week when the time comes, and then childcare three days a week. We are saving so I can afford 9 months off, with some KIT days to keep an additional income.

You want your DH to be more ambitious than he actually is. This will cause you a huge amount of relationship angst. You're only 30 - don't start your family yet.

I have a close friend who basically pushes her DH all the time in the employment stakes and is completely frustrated by his lack of ambition and lack of earning power - it puts a huge amount of stress on their marriage. I think she has married the wrong person but they're 15 yrs in with a 13 yr old DD.

Have you looked at shared parental leave across both your jobs - you can basically share the normally conceived mat leave and depending on your employers some may be paid. This may give you some time to work it out in the first year?

How does your DH feel about you taking a year off and then going part time?

Of course you can have a year of mat leave - just start downsizing your expenses now and saving. You aren’t even PG.

This is a couple who are both aged 30 and considering DC - I'm surprised so many PPs are suggesting they consider "downsizing" or "downgrading" their lifestyle. They are starting out in life - not retiring

Surely most people experience a ‘downgrade’ in lifestyle when you have chikdren? You have less income (mat leave) and then much higher expenses!

Op, i kind of get where you are coming from. It’s the shock of realising that children change the ground rules and mean that those whose husbands are high earners have more choices. Until I started thinking about children I didn’t really care what my husband earnt, once you want to have children and spend time with them it starts to feel different

My tips:

-chuck as much as you can into savings now; really build up a cushion. That should get you a decent maternity leave.

• use your career success to make sure you are with an employer that is progressive and family friendly: I have been able to regularly switch my work pattern to fit the needs of my children. Now they are both at school I do school hours only and catch up in the evenings, when they were younger I did compressed hours so I could work a 4 Day week.

You’ve spotted the issue and you can start to plan for it, but you cannot organise your DH into a new career, the drive has to come from him.

Iamchanging I did the “both work 4 days a week” with dh (so we both have a day off with children) and I think it works incredibly well. My children loved nursery actually and gained a lot from it. And loved their day with each parent. Plus it means it is much less likely to be a disaster if one parent loses their job/ gets ill etc as you have two income streams

I just feel like he has SO much potential and would be so much more fulfilled (and better paid!) elsewhere

It’s statements like that which make people think you’re BU and controlling, OP.

Well, that and the fact you’re off researching new careers and prodding at someone who is perfectly happy in his current role.