To stress about my DH's career

[Dietcokebae]

I'm new here, so hi everyone! I don't know if IABU about my DH's career prospects.

I have a job that pays well and has excellent career progression but is very demanding (long hours, high expectations etc). I really enjoy it but I understand that it may become difficult when we start a family (we v recently started ttc).

My husband works in a job which he loves and which pays reasonably well but offers practically zero scope for career progression and not much job security. There is nowhere for him to be promoted from where he is. He's incredibly clever and very hardworking and personable, so in a career with progression potential he could go really far.

For a long time while I was studying for my professional qualifications he was the breadwinner, though I now earn more than him. Neither of us has the slightest problem with that. I'm worried, however, that when (if!) we have a baby, I'll be under a huge amount of pressure to return to my job v quickly in order to ensure we have enough money. I also wouldn't be able to work part time as our combined income wouldn't be enough for our bills and mortgage etc.

I've spoken to my DH a few times about his career and he agrees that he needs to look for something else. He's so talented he could do almost anything - but time is ticking (both now 30) and I'm worried that the longer he leaves it the less employable he is.

The thing I find frustrating is that he won't take any active steps to decide what he needs to do next. I have researched loads of possible careers and he has dismissed them all as uninteresting, but never done any research of his own. I've suggested we put ttc on hold while he retrains if needed but he isn't keen. This has been going on for over a year with no progress - we are stuck in a cycle of him agreeing that he needs to decide what he wants to do, but never doing anything about it.

If I really thought he would be happy for ever in his job I wouldn't push it and I would find a way of making it work, but I don't think he will be happy there forever. It's a waste of his talents and he will get bored.

AIBU to want him to take this seriously and start putting some real effort into making plans for the future?

I made sacrifices for the career of my children's father, I viewed it as benefiting the family. M children didn't benefit in any way at all, it ended up making a very comfortable life for him, another woman and her child.

You can't do it for your DH, you need to leave him to it.

What are your finances? Do you get enhanced mat pay? Do you have any savings? Having a baby doesn't have to be a catastrophic financial event.

You shouldn’t be researching job options for him: that’s codependent at best!

It may be that you need to stop ttc while you discuss your finances, share of responsibility for earning and parenting, and who would take parental leave, or go PT, and save some money to cover your maternity leave.

My friend and her DH do 9 days out of 10 each at work. I.e they both take alternative Fridays off to look after DC meaning they can each spend time with DC and he only needs 4 days a week nursery and it doesn't impact their earnings too much.

If you can save up for mat leave now then do. When you are pregnant you don't actuallyspend a lot either! Also in the early days you don't go out for meals etc either, everything is quite home based so your outlay is a lot less.

There is never a 'right' time to have babies but you'll figure it out. You're doing the right thing thinking about it now. Good luck.

At 30, realistically speaking these days, you both have another 40 years of working life left. Plenty of time for your DH to change careers later. If what he is doing is good for now then really no rush and I suspect his lack of interest in finding a new career is exactly that- a lack of interest in finding a new career at the moment. What you can do is start saving like mad to fund more time on maternity/ parental leave. Also you will probably find that although other things are expensive when you have a baby your lifestyle changes dramatically anyway, so if you make some careful choices then it won’t feel like scaling back. You don’t give any examples of what you feel you would lose by scaling back, so I’m guessing here, but for eg many parents would not choose to do an 8hr flight with a lively toddler because it’s not very relaxing. Ditto a long, lazy Sunday lunch/ afternoon in a pub.

you seem to have very different priorities in live. This rarely works out in the long run. I would put TTC on hold until you work out together what you want.

I don't think the OP is being unreasonable at all. It must be frustrating knowing that you have better career options / ability to make money than your DH, yet yours is the career that will take the hit if you have DC. She shouldn't have to point this out to her DH because he would ideally be looking at ways to take the pressure off.

It is possible that he's lacking confidence and needs a bit of a push to spur him onwards and upwards? He probably will get bored and frustrated with his earning potential in time. He's only 30 now - does he plan to be coasting along at 40? I think it's sensible to think about his options now, rather than just go with the flow and hope for the best.

Woah, mumsnet is a lot meaner than I thought it would be. I suppose it was unrealistic on my part to expect everyone to be nice, though!

To those of you who have given really helpful advice, thank you! We obviously do need to have a discussion about our long-term plans and I'll keep trying to make that happen. I'm also going to consider how much my own insecurities are playing a part.

To those of you who've decided on the basis of this one thread that I'm a nagging shrew who is lying about caring for my husband's happiness and only interested in money grabbing, i would say that perhaps you should avoid such harsh judgments in situations where you have so little knowledge. It says a lot more about you than me if you're totally unable to accept that my love for my husband and concerns about his wellbeing are valid.

@g1itterati thanks so much, feel like you totally understand! X

A job you like and enjoy is worth a lot of money. Be careful that you're not pursuing a dream of riches that will turn out to be a living hell.

It's not your choice to make, and even if he does eventually find his job unfulfilling, that's for him to find out.
I think it sounds quite arrogant of you that you think you know how he will feel at some point in the future.

Leave him alone to make his own choices and stop badgering him to get a better paid job. Not everyone is a high flier, and it sounds like if your child needed one of you to take a day off work, your husband's job would be more flexible.

It must be frustrating knowing that you have better career options / ability to make money than your DH, yet yours is the career that will take the hit if you have DC.

That's not a given, though. If OP's DH takes the extended leave and the bulk of responsibility for childcare, she can maintain her career and earning potential. It's a perfectly viable option in the circumstances described.

OP, nobody thinks you don't love your husband, but you're treating him like a child and verging on controlling, and trust me, that type of behaviour does not make the subject of it happy. All you can do is be generally encouraging - the rest is up to him.

AIBU tends to be quite hard and fast and not for the faint hearted- try general chat or one of the themed areas for something a bit gentler, though if you look through some of the other threads you might notice they are much more ‘fierce’ than this one

I think this is not the time - he is happy and it sounds like a good job for one parent to have (he is very capable and it isn't too demanding) for the baby years. Why should you waste your time worrying about his satisfaction in the distant future, if that problem presents itself, fix it then.

When you have children, for the first few years, you will already have an extra ball in the air - it isn't a good time to be changing careers and adding stress. I think expecting him to give up something he loves to give you the option of going part time (especially after he paid you through your qualifications) is very self centred. If you are only 30 and spent years getting your qualifications whilst living only on his salary, you have either taken on way too many outgoings in a short time or can easily adjust back down. If you have taken on too much - that is why you can't go part time, not your DH who is getting the blame.

Unless he is the only one pushing for a champagne lifestyle, YABU. However there are real advantages to having a happy, well adjusted, secure father who supports his wife in her decisions and prioritises happiness over impressing other people.

OP, have you actually told your husband about your fears of not being able to take a year's maternity leave or go part time? He may not realise that you are worried about this.

If you have told him, then I think that you have done everything you can, and it's up to him to take this forward (or not).

By all means have the conversation about him being a SAHD while the DC are little - that is definitely worth exploring.

You married the wrong man, love

I agree with PPs that it seems like you're the one that wants your DH to have a better paying job. He might agree with the idea in theory but think its something to pursue in the future once you have your DCs. That would suggest to me that he would probably be happy to be the one who took a career break when you have DCs and during that time he could consider his options.

Can you do without HIS wage and have him as sahd? it's the choice we expect men to make when they have the bigger wage, so why not try it on for size? At least you'll know baby will be in good hands (and maybe it'll inspire him to look for work....)

Today 17:03 missadasmith

OP, do you want a more fulfilling career for your DH or a better paid DH for yourself. Sounds like his career progression (or lack of) is more about you.

he has a good pay and a job he loves. What exactly is the problem???

This.

I don’t see a problem here either. You seem to be assuming that you will Have a whole year off, you will want the option to only work part time, ... actually, you can transfer some of your leave to your dh, it doesn’t need to be you taking all of the 12 months, and your dh has as much right as you to request flexible working.

Obviously a lot of discussion to be had, but it does sound as though your starting point is about deciding what he does rather than you.

I would say that perhaps you should avoid such harsh judgments in situations where you have so little knowledge.

People have only the limited amount of knowledge you have provided to go on. You have said he is happy yet then go on to say he needs to retrain but that you only want him to be happy.

It says a lot more about you than me

People have bothered to take the time and reply-try not to get too offended when you don’t like what they say.

Dietcokebae isn't the problem more about the lifestyle choices you have made (financial commitments etc) reflecting the top of your budget without contingency planning for changes like mat leave, PT working etc?

Be honest with yourself, and if that's the case look hard at how you budget, think seriously about what you could downsize etc. You have a DH who earns reasonably well and enjoys his job -pushing him on (when his actions, if not his words, suggest he's happy as is) could cause a lot of discord.

BTW if you have a reasonable mat package, you could be surprised how much it works out as.

And you’re new to MN, so yes you can hear some hard truths on here but actually I don’t think anyone is being mean here. We’re just pointing out that as equal people, both planning to embark on parenthood together, your starting point should be grown up discussion- not you researching career options for him and deciding what he should do.

It's a good idea to thrash this all out now before TTC.

Agree with posters above that if a big reason for this is you wanting a year of ML, there are ways around that without him needing to change jobs. You could look for somewhere with a good package, if your current employer doesn't, or save.

When you say he'd be more fulfilled elsewhere, what's your basis for this? Are you sure you're not just projecting, or thinking that because it would be more convenient for you? Additionally, have you checked what you'd bring home with part time hours? Eg if you wanted to go from 5 to 4 days, unless you're pretty well paid you might not actually be much/any worse off when factoring in tax, childcare and commuting costs for Day 5.

OP, posters don't agree with you - but they are not your DH

But disagreement has nothing to do with being mean.

Mean? I don’t see anyone being mean.
Just because everyone doesn’t agree with you doesn’t make them mean.