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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to tell his wife?

105 replies

ffab · 02/01/2018 23:43

Father of DD's school friend asked me if I could babysit their two children. They sometimes pick DD up after school for me so I was happy to reciprocate.

I don't know him well but talk to his wife at the school gates and our DD's get on well. She's a nurse and sometimes works nights.

He brought the kids round in their pyjamas at 9pm. I suggested it might be better for them to stay the night. But he said he'd come back the same evening.

He picked them up around midnight and as he was leaving asked me not to mention to his wife that I had babysat.

Very annoyed to have been out in this position. AIBU to tell her?

OP posts:
Ohhdear · 03/01/2018 06:39

Maybe he had something planned, DW has to go to work last min, he’s tried to find a last min babysitter but failed, asked you as a last resort and knows his DW will be unhappy about you being asked.

AstridWhite · 03/01/2018 06:51

I think Ohhdear has it.

He'll probably get it in the neck from her for crap planning and she might have felt it was cheeky to ask you if it was not an emergency.

My bet is he really wanted to do something social / hobby related, she would have said 'well it's simple - I'm on nights so you can't go, can you? suck it up.'

But he would rather ask you to babysit and drag his kids around in the PJs at midnight than miss whatever it was. But his wife would hit the roof if she knew. So would I, to be fair.

Korez · 03/01/2018 06:57

It could be possible that he suspected she wasn't working and that he went to check to see if she was at work... she was etc hence the feeling a bit guilty and asking you to not say anything...

AstridWhite · 03/01/2018 07:04

That would also make sense.....especially given that he didn't go out until 9pm.

SerendipityFelix · 03/01/2018 07:29

There are possible explanations other than infidelity. For me it doesn’t matter what he was up to - simply the fact that he has asked you to keep a secret from his wife after the fact, and involved his dc in it, is so incredibly odd that I would definitely be letting his wife know. The real truth - as in -‘Hi DW, can I have a word? This happened the other night and I feel really awkward so here are the facts’. Don’t speculate. Just tell her what happened.

If it’s an ‘innocent’ explanation - planning a surprise - then it’s not the worst thing in the world that she finds out. Plus he should have explained to you why the secrecy.

If it’s a gender-swap abuse/addiction scenario (which sounds SO unlikely with the timing and a good chance she was on a night shift), then she’ll know why anyway. And again he could have explained the rationale for the secrecy.

Anything else involves him asking you to keep a secret you clearly are not comfortable with, you owe him nothing (she’s the one who helps you out with childcare after all) and it’s all so weird that it’s most likely something that she should know about.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 03/01/2018 07:44

Disruptive for you and the kids. I wouldn’t keep it a secret.

sarahjconnor · 03/01/2018 07:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TowerRingInferno · 03/01/2018 08:03

My first thought is that he think she was somewhere she shouldn’t be (not at work) so was checking up on her.

Puts you in a horrible position though.

KayaG · 03/01/2018 08:13

I would contact him and say you feel very uncomfortable with his request and you do not feel that you can comply. Suggest he tells his DW himself.

debbs77 · 03/01/2018 09:02

Ooh yes maybe he was checking up on his wife!

hollyisalovelyname · 03/01/2018 09:09

Was there a match on ?

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 03/01/2018 09:29

Ooh yes maybe he was checking up on his wife!

I'm stunned at least 2 posters think that is the most plausible reason.

The timing is too late for a sports event.

hollyisalovelyname · 03/01/2018 09:59

Match on the telly ?
In a pub

Cbaanymore123 · 03/01/2018 10:13

PL football kicks off at 7:45 during week so wrong timing for even a weekend.

Straycatblue · 03/01/2018 12:04

No you are not BU to tell her but i guess its how you do it without making yourself out to be some sort of busybody. Even if you tell her you may never find out the reason but at least she will definitely know and the ball will be in her court so to speak.

Why not send her a text for example asking if her husband accidentally took home one of your blankets with their things after picking up both children from babysitting on monday night (or whatever night it was) and as it was midnight when he collected them he possibly didnt notice. You could also mention even though it was such short notice, they would have been welcome to stay over

This way the text contains the date that you babysit, the fact that he picked them up late and that as far as you are aware its not a secret so you are not complicit in case she finds out later on. It also means that she can look at it and work out the day/time if there is any funny business etc

Or some sort of variation on the above ^ so that she has the information and then your job is done if that makes sense.

Original poster
ffab · 03/01/2018 13:29

halfwitpicker

Did you know he was going to collect them at midnight?

He said "a couple of hours" so three was pushing it a bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
ffab · 03/01/2018 13:34

ohhdear

DW has to go to work last min, he’s tried to find a last min babysitter but failed

Think I remember his DW mentioning that she did two weeks nights two weeks days but yes, she could have been called in at the last minute.

OP posts:
Original poster
ffab · 03/01/2018 13:38

It was a Friday night so not a school night or I would have said 'no' to bring kept up so late.

OP posts:
Straycatblue · 03/01/2018 14:19

Think I remember his DW mentioning that she did two weeks nights two weeks days but yes, she could have been called in at the last minute.

But that wouldnt explain why it needed to be a secret, if anything the wife would be pleased for you babysitting if she had been called in last minute.

Fairenuff · 03/01/2018 14:26

Wife is at work. He saw an opportunity to do something that he doesn't want her to know about. Wife comes home from work and everyone is in bed as usual. She has no clue that her children had been anywhere else.

I would tell her.

Nip it in the bud. Just say to her would she mind telling her dh that if he wants you to have them again, they would have to sleep over because you don't want to be up that late next time.

When she looks surprised, say Oh, I thought he was joking when he said not to tell you about it.

That'll out him.

Firesuit · 03/01/2018 14:53

I can't imagine asking someone for a favour like this without give a really good explanation of why i needed it.

In fact I struggle to think of anything that would make me ask, just doesn't seem legitimate to ask non-family to have children. Perhaps if I were being carted off in an ambulance somewhere, or the police were arresting me...

CriticalMass · 03/01/2018 18:18

Oh, tricky. We always jump to the worst conclusion don't we but perhaps he'd just been called to a business meeting and didn't want his wife to know he was leaving the kids with someone else - or maybe he'd been asked for a pint with a mate and wanted to go, again, not wanting his wife to know. I'd probably not say anything tbh - but point blank refuse to ever help him out again.

rainbowduck · 03/01/2018 18:56

Don't think infidelity (because his kids would have been in bed) but strange that he didn't ask you to babysit at his.

I think she has been called into work, he has plans, she asked him to cancel and he didn't.

I wouldn't start playing games/slipping things into conversation. What I would do is tell him that you were happy to do it, but didn't appreciate being put in a difficult situation. Be clear that you won't lie nor will you ask the children too.

Leonard1 · 03/01/2018 19:24

It’s done now so leave it. If he asks again say no as you don’t like the secrecy.

Fairenuff · 04/01/2018 11:29

Whatever he was doing, he doesn't want his wife to know.

Would you want to know if you were the wife? I know I would.