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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to tell his wife?

105 replies

ffab · 02/01/2018 23:43

Father of DD's school friend asked me if I could babysit their two children. They sometimes pick DD up after school for me so I was happy to reciprocate.

I don't know him well but talk to his wife at the school gates and our DD's get on well. She's a nurse and sometimes works nights.

He brought the kids round in their pyjamas at 9pm. I suggested it might be better for them to stay the night. But he said he'd come back the same evening.

He picked them up around midnight and as he was leaving asked me not to mention to his wife that I had babysat.

Very annoyed to have been out in this position. AIBU to tell her?

OP posts:

Chchchchangeabout · 03/01/2018 00:08

I'd be desperate to know why though!

Mrsknackered · 03/01/2018 00:10

I meant beans, obviously. The gale has just knocked over my bins, so they're on my mind!

Could you say like 'did one of your DC leave a sock at mine the other night?' To her? And go from there? If she's not that close to you should be fairly easy to cut her off if it all turns sour, but I know if I were her, I would not hold you to any blame.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 03/01/2018 00:10

Personally what I would do is contact him and ask him why he wants you to lie and tell him you're not happy about it.

There could be a plausible explanation. I don't know, kids coming around in their pajamas and being picked up later when you offered an overnight doesn't really shout out cheating to me.

More like waiting for someone to pass out. Did he ask you at short notice or in advance? Advance is suspect but short notice I would say more a crisis.

Original poster

ffab · 03/01/2018 00:13

"It's not necessarily cheating. The wife could be drunk and he needed to work."
She's a nurse, works nights.

Definitely leaning towards letting it slip out in casual conversation.

OP posts:

Keepingupwiththejonesys · 03/01/2018 00:14

Wtf so odd. What did the kids do at yours, its so late! I would feel cheeky to ask my best friend to do that, never mind an acquaintance. I'd definitely get in touch and ask why the need for secrecy.

kaytee87 · 03/01/2018 00:14

*There could be a plausible explanation. I don't know, kids coming around in their pajamas and being picked up later when you offered an overnight doesn't really shout out cheating to me.

More like waiting for someone to pass out. Did he ask you at short notice or in advance? Advance is suspect but short notice I would say more a crisis.*

It absolutely shouts out cheating to me, couldn't leave them overnight as wife would find out when back from her nightshift as a nurse. He's the one that's asked op to lie for him, where are getting that the wife is an alcoholic? Bit of a leap.

cathycake · 03/01/2018 00:15

If this was me the conversation would go a bit like " you put me in a very awkward position about babysitting the children --- it's unfair to me, your wife and also the children as it's going to get mentioned one time or another ... I'm not a liar and this has made me feel really uncomfortable so please tell your wife before I do as I now feel I'm involved in a sordid secret and won't be able to look her in the eye"

Atthebottomofthegarden · 03/01/2018 00:18

I wouldn’t tell her (unless she asks of course) but neither would I agree to babysit for him again under these circumstances.

Another alternative to the obvious explanation is that maybe he has a regular hobby / drink with mate at this time each week, which he couldn’t attend because she was working. They maybe discussed getting a babysitter and she said it was foolish / unnecessary / a cheek from 9-12 / too late for the kids, and he decided to do it anyway...

Original poster

ffab · 03/01/2018 00:19

What did you say in reply to his request?
Personally I think I'd have to tell her ......

He said something like, "Appreciate it if you didn't mention this to DW" as he was driving off with the kids.

I was so flabbergasted I just laughed out loud. I didn't say yes or no.

OP posts:

Fitbitironic · 03/01/2018 00:21

9 to midnight is such an odd time. Can't think of any good reasons for it apart from one's which revolve around him socializing in some way.

Autumnskiesarelovely · 03/01/2018 00:23

God tell her. Apart from the lying - he’s shoved his kids in their pyjamas to someone’s house late at night that his wife hasn’t even been asked about! How would you feel OP if it were your kids?

There is your answer.

BitOutOfPractice · 03/01/2018 00:24

How odd. And awkward for you

Eltonjohnssyrup · 03/01/2018 00:26

She's not necessarily working every night. And nurses have pretty high substance abuse rates.

Eatingwormswithwine · 03/01/2018 00:26

If he hadn’t said to not tell her, would you have told her?

kaytee87 · 03/01/2018 00:27

@Eltonjohnssyrup the husband is the one asking someone to lie for him so the most logical answer is that he's doing something wrong. You've made a dramatic leap to the wife being an alcoholic or druggy just because she's a nurse? Wtf

Eatingwormswithwine · 03/01/2018 00:29

I reckon he just went for a couple of pints and would rather she didn’t know.

Original poster

ffab · 03/01/2018 00:29

What did the kids do at yours,. They went straight to sleep. Seems like they had been bathed and put in pyjamas at their normal bedtime so I just put them on the sofa at mine under a duvet.

In some ways the most annoying bit was having to wait up for him. Had they stayed over I could have gone to bed.

OP posts:

FrivolouslyFancifulFannie · 03/01/2018 00:29

if he is cheating i dont think he would be stupid enough to trust the kids not to mention they had been to your house tbh

Maybe he is arranging something, maybe wait a week, see if she says anything then just drop it into the conversation and see what happens. If it comes out you knew before then just say i thought he must be arranging a surprise for you.

MiddleClassProblem · 03/01/2018 00:33

Agree if you’re going to ask anyone it would be him.

But you really don’t know what’s going on here. If it were a gender swap more people would be suggesting he’s abusive etc. I have a friend who got attacked by his wife last week (again but he’s in the process of leaving her) so that’s kind of fresh in my mind right now.

He could be a cheating twat but you can’t prove anything so it’s best to stay out of it.

MiddleClassProblem · 03/01/2018 00:35

He could have been meeting her mates to plan a surprise party for all we know...

Or helping his uncle shift a dead body...

FrivolouslyFancifulFannie · 03/01/2018 00:39

maybe he said i am arranging a xxxx for mummy, its a secret so you need to go to ffab's house

has she got any big birthdays/anniversaries coming up maybe

surely though he would just tell you this, maybe he has just got such a brass neck he thinks no one will tell, You need to go an ask him whu, you are not comfortable with it and you never have agreed had you known he expected you to not say anything.

FrivolouslyFancifulFannie · 03/01/2018 00:40

*would never have agreed

Atthebottomofthegarden · 03/01/2018 00:54

Yep I’m with Eating. He’s got to be in a pub from 9-12. I’d have a fit if my DH dropped the kids round a friends house at 9 and collected them after the pub at 12...

sofato5miles · 03/01/2018 00:55

I would say nothing this time. But let him know if he aska for a next time that you wil not keep secrets for him.

Weezol · 03/01/2018 01:01

My XH was so stupid that he took the OW to a gig that one of my closest friends was sound engineering, a lad I had house shared with was doing lighting and I was friends with two of the bands.
Never underestimate the stupidity of a man who thinks 'but nobody will know, the venue is really dark' is an option.

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