Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to tell his wife?

105 replies

ffab · 02/01/2018 23:43

Father of DD's school friend asked me if I could babysit their two children. They sometimes pick DD up after school for me so I was happy to reciprocate.

I don't know him well but talk to his wife at the school gates and our DD's get on well. She's a nurse and sometimes works nights.

He brought the kids round in their pyjamas at 9pm. I suggested it might be better for them to stay the night. But he said he'd come back the same evening.

He picked them up around midnight and as he was leaving asked me not to mention to his wife that I had babysat.

Very annoyed to have been out in this position. AIBU to tell her?

OP posts:
Bouledeneige · 03/01/2018 01:06

It would have been much more explainable if he'd allowed the kids to have a sleepover, the kids are really very likely to let slip and then that puts you in a horrible position... Very weird and bloody awkward.

For what its worth I'd suspect a drink with mates rather than a rendez vous with his OW.

Jux · 03/01/2018 01:10

Well, there are any number of reasons he would ask that, some good and some bad. Not your problem. I think if it just came out in conversation then I wouldn’t worry, but I’m not sure I’d go out of my way to tell her.

halfwitpicker · 03/01/2018 01:14

Is it me or is that a weirdly late time to babysit? As you say op, the kids should have just stayed over! Did you know he was gonna collect them at midnight?

halfwitpicker · 03/01/2018 01:16

Dunno if you should mention it to his wife actually.

She might jump to false conclusions and think you're sleeping with him or something ridiculous.

She probably has her sensors on high alert already, he sounds well dodgy.

eggsandwich · 03/01/2018 01:25

I would say wait and see if he asks you again and not to mention it to his wife, then I would think he’s up to something, but it’s most likely a surprise for her and the kids are in on it so have been sworn to secrecy.

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/01/2018 01:42

it’s most likely a surprise for her and the kids are in on it so have been sworn to secrecy.

Really? You really think that? Surely no one is that naive?!

OP I think you need to tell her. If he was sorting out a surprise Hmm then he would have said so. Nothing good involves you needing to keep his babysitting a secret, and apart from anything else what if one of his kids does say something and he calls that child a liar or a fantasist? You owe it to the kids too.

halfwitpicker · 03/01/2018 01:47

What kind of surprise might he be organising between 9pm and midnight?

Genuine question.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 03/01/2018 01:59

At best he is socialising and not telling his wife. 9 -12 would for example cover the time frame of going to a gig. Depending on the venue the timing could be right for missing the support act and hanging around with friends afterwards. That is best case scenario.

Next is socialising but something less acceptable- say gambling.

Next is he is cheating.

Worst is he is up to something actually illegal.

I can't think of anything completely innocent which requires him to conceal the fact he was going out.

sykadelic · 03/01/2018 02:04

It COULD be relatively innocent (i.e. not due to cheating). I would think if it was a huge secret he'd have said something sooner. It's possible that he was supposed to take the kids to someone else and it's more that he doesn't want her to know it was you.

If it was cheating, why wouldn't he just let the kids sleep? That's pretty late at night. Unless whoever he's (possibly) cheating with doesn't know he has kids... which in itself is pretty damn hard to hide!

I'd lean towards telling her in a "hey next time the kids should come over earlier and stay the night rather than leaving that late at night." The reason I'd tell her is because I can't imagine it would look good for you if it comes out and you DIDN'T tell her. Clean hands and all that.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 03/01/2018 02:06

He called me from his home phone to ask me to babysit so I don't have his mobile number

With the benefit of hindsight isn't that in itself a wee bit odd? The only people who call me from a landline are my mil (who doesn't have a mobile) and my brother who lives in the middle of nowhere and has terrible coverage.

I suppose it was very unlikely there would be a need in 3 hours for you to contact him but wouldn't most people give you a mobile number?

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 03/01/2018 02:09

If it was cheating, why wouldn't he just let the kids sleep?

That is obvious. His wife knows nothing about this so the children have to be back in their own beds before his wife's shift ends.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 03/01/2018 02:15

and apart from anything else what if one of his kids does say something and he calls that child a liar or a fantasist? You owe it to the kids too

Absolutely. He is asking his children to lie as well as the OP.

Skydalic- nothing in your post sounds plausible. He tried to play down the secrecy aspect by making it a throwaway line whilst leaving giving the OP no chance to ask questions.

RideOn · 03/01/2018 02:18

The kids are bound to tell her.
I definitely would not babysit for him again.
There could be a family feud and he wants to visit a relative, or wants a night out but hasn’t told her and on way home said it to get out of having a row.

The thing is that I would want to know where my children had been and whether my husband is asking them to lie to me.

I would not tell all people if I found out their other half was having an affair, if possible I’d keep out of it, it would depend. But this is about her children.

anothernetter · 03/01/2018 02:21

He picked them up at midnight? How old are the children? Seems a strange request from someone you don't know very well...

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 03/01/2018 02:25

OP didn't give ages.

OP does your own daughter know they were there? Or was she asleep?

FrivolouslyFancifulFannie · 03/01/2018 02:30

maybe he just got sick of the kids, went for a sneaky pint, if you don't say anything he can do it again, wife will go batshit when she finds out he dropped and ran at 9pm

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 03/01/2018 02:49

He was driving with his children in the car so a sneaky pint is pretty irresponsible.

I really don't like his making the children complicit in his lie. The OP is an adult and can make a choice. Spilling the beans will have no or little consequences for her.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 03/01/2018 02:53

You’re v accommodating I’d decline two kids 9pm drop off at short notice

My kids can’t hold their own water,they’d say they’d been at friend house

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 03/01/2018 03:00

I'm wondering if he went for a cheeky game of poker with mates?
Would fit with the timing & don't tell the missus thing.

thegreatbeyond · 03/01/2018 03:24

His wife should know. Who else is he dropping the kids with late at night? They could be at risk.

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/01/2018 03:32

It does beg the question of how many other people he asked who said no, the OP said that she doesnt know them very well, so I wonder if he worked his way down a list.

If he did and is hoping to keep this a secret then he is a fuckwit, no matter what he was doing as someone is bound to say something along the lines of "sorry I couldnt baby sit the other night...." to his wife.

Original poster
ffab · 03/01/2018 05:37

anothernetter children are 8 & 9. He called me around 8pm and dropped them off at 9pm
LassWiTheDelicateAir Yes my DD knows they were there and I certainly haven't asked her not to tell anyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
ffab · 03/01/2018 05:44

LipstickHandbagCoffee

You’re v accommodating I’d decline two kids 9pm drop off at short notice

Because his DW picks my DD up after school sometimes and I haven been able to reciprocate much I didn't mind.

OP posts:
seafooodplatter · 03/01/2018 05:52

I would definitely accidentally on purpose drop it into conversation.

"Oh we had fun the other night watching films didn't we kids....?"

Then if she looks bemused just say "oh your DH dropped them here for a few hours the other night sorry I thought you would have known!"

Then leave her to do what she wishes with the information.

He didn't give you the option to refuse to be a part of a lie, he dumped it on you not to tell DW as he left. His problem if he's doing something he shouldn't.

I would be furious about my kids being bundled into cars and sent out late at night for whatever reason.

Pengggwn · 03/01/2018 06:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.