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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have shouted at colleague?

142 replies

YeahYeahz · 02/01/2018 19:57

I work with a woman who starts off her sentences normally and then tailors off into a whispered mumble so you can't understand what she's saying. It's like she starts off knowing she's speaking to other people but then forgets and thinks she's only talking to herself. I've tried being patient for months now but it's so frustrating. Just before Christmas I lost my rag with her and said "I'm sorry, I can't understand what you're saying!" So she seemed to instantly snap out of it and repeated what she was saying in a clear, normal tone! It didn't stop her doing it though and I find my patience getting shorter and shorter.

Over Christmas I've listened intently and then as soon as the mumbling starts I jump in with "sorry??" And everytime she snaps out of it and resumes normal tone.

Today she started saying:

"I was thinking, rather than us doing the spa weekend we could try a thing in the dhstghbkkfdsgbvgjjbn......." so I shouted "WHAT???" As usual she snapped out of it but sending my irritance said "are you ok?". I replied something along the lines of "yes I'm sorry I snapped but I can't understand a word you're saying when you start mumbling like that!". She said she hadn't realised she was mumbling but has been funny with me ever since. As I said I've tried being patient for months but I find her so tiring and frustrating to talk to! It's like I have to concentrate 10 fold to understand the gist of what she's saying before the mumbling starts. Should I not have said anything???

OP posts:
limitedperiodonly · 03/01/2018 10:42

I worked for someone who spoke in a whisper that got quieter when he wanted to intimidate you even more than usual. It was definitely a control thing and it worked, but I don't think it's the case with the OP's colleague.

limitedperiodonly · 03/01/2018 10:51

And to the people saying they have a speech impediment or anxiety or whatever - I understand.

But it is also very humiliating to be accused of being hard of hearing when you can't catch what mumblers say. Unfortunately some people equate deafness with being a sad old duffer and snigger at you when in fact the problem is that they don't fucking speak properly. Intolerance and ignorance works in many ways.

Cantuccit · 03/01/2018 11:02

Stop going to spa weekends with her then she may not talk to you as much.

As it is, you are risking her filing a grievance against you for shouting at her. You need to be more patient and just talk to her about work stuff.

Skarossinkplunger · 03/01/2018 11:17

Oh you understand do you limited? You know what it’s like to never know if you’re going to get the words out every time
you open your mouth? You know what it’s like to open your mouth and only have a machine gun like sound come out and everyone look at you and ask ‘if you’re ok’? What it’s like to be constantly terrified at work and school in case someone asks you a question? To not be able to interview for a job? To be scared shitless to pick the phone up?

Changing the sound level of my voice is one of the coping mechanisms I employ simply to be able to speak.

limitedperiodonly · 03/01/2018 11:27

I imagine your situation is similar to mine Ska in that if I politely ask someone to repeat themselves I know I'm likely to get sniggers about being a deaf old duffer. It's very undermining and worrying in a workplace filled with younger people who sometimes feel that I don't
fit in so sometimes I nod and smile.

I'm surprised you don't understand that, given your own difficulties.

ButchyRestingFace · 03/01/2018 11:39

I used to work in interpreting and what you describe is quite common, in my humble.

Tres irritating.

That said, you can’t just shout at the woman like a playground bully.

Get a hold of yourself.

sonjadog · 03/01/2018 11:41

So all those who say that you shouldn't react at all because it is too upsetting for the mumbler, how do you suggest that others in the workplace deal with this? Because ignoring or pretending you can hear them isn't going to work. If you are working with someone, you have to hear what they are saying.

lurkingnotlurking · 03/01/2018 11:42

Of course it's irritating. I irritate myself by stammering a bit when my low-confidence reminds me mid-sentence that people 'don't really like me' and 'aren't interested in what I have to say'. Thankfully my friends are kind about it and the close ones go as far as to deny they have even noticed. If they weren't kind, that would make it so very much worse.

lurkingnotlurking · 03/01/2018 11:44

'sonjadog' - 'I'm sorry, can you say that again? I didn't catch it'

PortiaCastis · 03/01/2018 11:47

You need to apologise for being so rude.

limitedperiodonly · 03/01/2018 12:17

Yesterday I was sitting next to a 20-year-old intern. She kept asking me for help which was fine. What was not fine was that she kept whispering at me so I had to keep saying: 'What?' I wished she'd speak up and she probably thought I was a cantankerous deaf old bat but we got along well and we'll see each other again when I'm next in on Friday. I don't think I was quite as timid as that at 20 but I suppose that annoyed some of my elders. At least she's getting paid. I'd have something to say about that if she wasn't but I'd expect her to speak up too.

OuchLegoHurts · 03/01/2018 13:29

Very annoying but you can't just shout at annoying people. Grow up.

Bluntness100 · 03/01/2018 13:33

God, shouting at people in your workplace and laughing nastily because your manager shouted "eh" . What the hell is wrong with you?

She might mumble but you're just horrible. People who often believe they are superior human beings often find out belatedly they are the opposite. I hope uou gain some insight from this thread.

PiffleandWiffle · 03/01/2018 13:35

YANBU OP, it's not the end of the world - half of the people pulling you up for being "unprofessional" would have gone down the "PA" route, nothing wrong with a bit of plain old "A" occasionally.

If my work was run by MN'ers fuck all would get done - but then I work in a real place not one of the made up AIBU offices that no-one in real life has ever seen.....

thethoughtfox · 03/01/2018 13:50

It's never OK to shout at someone in a professional setting.

limitedperiodonly · 03/01/2018 13:54

You're not always doing someone a favour when you don't point out that their behaviour doesn't fit the work culture.

I work in two offices with distinct cultures. The one that most people would say was most benign on the surface has recently driven someone out because she didn't fit in. They didn't say why; they just made her feel uncomfortable. I'd say she was awkward but I don't see the big problem with her.

At the other place she might have lasted because they don't do subtle.and so both of them might have adapted to a good fit

I like both places and fit in both. But that's because I am an old hand at office politics. The one that is seems more challenging on the surface is actually much easier to negotiate from my POV. But that's what you learn. When you're new and young and new you sometimes don't have time

StormyLovesOdd · 03/01/2018 13:57

I totally get why you snapped as I work with a colleague who does the same and it is very draining. I'm find myself trying to guess half of what she says as if I ask her to repeat it she just says it again in the same mumbling fashion.

However - you should not have shouted at her as its humiliating and will probably only make her worse.

PiffleandWiffle · 03/01/2018 13:57

It's never OK to shout at someone in a professional setting.

Bollocks

OuchLegoHurts · 03/01/2018 14:03

Piffle It's just not. End of story.

limitedperiodonly · 03/01/2018 14:18

I've shouted at annoying people. I think most of us have. It depends on the situation.

Trinity66 · 03/01/2018 14:20

yep you were unreasonable, she clearly doesn't do it on purpose, she didn't deserve to be shouted at for that :/

OuchLegoHurts · 03/01/2018 14:42

I honestly think that by the time people become adults they should have learned hope to restrain themselves from shouting at others, especially in the workplace. I would regard anyone who shouted at a colleague as emotionally unstable and childish at best

Redsrule · 03/01/2018 14:49

I have a lisp. I was lucky that I had speech therapy, in the 1960's, that has enabled me to control it most of the time. I am also a teacher and have always informed my classes that I have a speech impediment and if they miss what I have said please tell me. It happens occasionally. I cannot imagine the damage someone like the OP might have done to my control on my lisp. IMO you are an insensitive bully. Must be lovely being able to articulate perfectly.

limitedperiodonly · 03/01/2018 14:58

Those of you with a speech impediment have to extend the same courtesy to those of us with a hearing impediment. Being hard of hearing is very isolating and opens you to as much ridicule

Redsrule · 03/01/2018 15:01

Totally agree, these sort of disabilities are so often trivialised and ridiculed. I feel your pain.