To verbally take ex MIL's head off ?

[sprockercrazy]

Posting here for traffic -

Background - DD is almost 18 years old and I split with her father when she was 6 months old.
Despite living in the next village to ex MIL/FIL they have never taken much interest in DD and she had never been out with them on day trips, holidays or sleepovers like her cousins. They never ring her and the only time they ever saw her was I or DD's father took her to their house. For these reasons she has never been particularly close to them.
DD has (over the last few years) been having some MH issues and social anxiety meaning that she finds it difficult to be in many social situations especially with people that she doesn't know or feel comfortable around.
Ex FIL sadly passed away last March and DD decided not to go to the funeral. For perspective my DB, whom DD was very close to passed away 2 years ago. She also decided not to attend his funeral. This was a decision that I respected.
Ex MIL wanted DD to join the her family on a trip to scatter FIL's ashes in the summer. DD also declined this. Her DF was fine about this.
Fast forward today DD has received the most awful letter from EX MIL calling DD selfish and cruel for not attending Ex FIL's funeral and several other horrible insults. This is from a woman who DD hasn't seen for at least 3 years.
AIBU In fantasising about verbally battering EX MIL ?

What a fucking bitch! You know you can’t say anything, but I’d tell her father so he can tear his mother to shreds.

Don’t fantasise about it. Call her up and do it.

I'd mention the letter to her father - but I would then crumple it up and chuck it in the bin and give my DD a hug. Poor form for Ex MIL to channel her anger and grief at your DD.

Agee with Roo. No need to hold back. If she’s able to write and send something like that to your daughter then she is able to get what she deserves. How dare she?

I don’t like the phrases you’ve used “battering” etc but YADNBU to have a very stern word with her. However, try to keep your cool, that will annoy her even more

to your dd too. Your Mil sounds a really awful person to have ignored her granddaughter like she has.

Go for it.

I was straight on the phone to DD's father. We generally have a good relationship.
He knew nothing about the letter and is furious with his DM and says he will go round and sort it tonight - but.. he's got to be careful what he says because and I quote ' she's struggling with her nerves'!!!

How awful for your DD. The best approach would be to maintain a dignified silence and go no contact but YANBU to want to tear into her.

YANBU. MIL is reaping what her and FIL sowed. There is no bond between DD and PIL so no obligation on DD to honour grand-daughter duties.

Cantuccit - that is exactly what I said to DD's father

To be honest DD seems less upset about it than I am. She has just said that it just reenforces to her why she doesn't have anything to do with her paternal GP

Apologies if my terminology is this post has offended anybody. This is unintentional

You owe her nothing! Neither does your daughter. Tell her what you think of her! Nasty bitch

She’s obviously to cowardly to say anything to your or your DD’s face. So that you can keep a copy of what has been said, I would write an icily polite letter on your DD’s behalf saying that as she and your exFIL chose not to be a part of your DDs life she had no reason to want to go, in fact it would have been hypocritical to do so, and any further correspondence will be returned to sender unopened and unread. Further contact by other means is also not wanted and will be considered to be harassment.
Your poor DD.

Hand it to ex and forget about it. She's not worth the effort or the drama

You've clearly raised DD to be strong and sure of her own worth, without help from PIL, hence DD's pragmatism.

Be proud of her and yes, go NC with MIL. If DD wants to see MIL, that's her choice and she is old enough to facilitate that herself if she wants to. (Sounds like she doesn't).

To be honest I think unless it's an abusive relationship then people should go to a family member's funeral. She should also have gonevto your DBs.

Let rip.

Why go to the funeral of someone who never bothered with you while he was alive?

Allthewaves
Hand it to ex and forget about it. She's not worth the effort or the drama

I agree with this, don't waste your energy on her, use that energy looking after your DD instead

DH said to write a letter back too.

I have left it with my Ex for now as it's his mother

I'd go round and straighten her bloody nerves whilst removed her head from her bitchy snide shoulders OP

waiting, many people do not agree with you, especially when children/teens are involved.

I would NOT write a letter.. put NOTHING in writing that can be banded around the entire Family as evidence of what a bitch you are.. despite HER actually being the Witch....

Lizzie - just my opinion. I don't need people to agree with me.

I disgaree with the funeral comments...

I don't believe anyone should be forced to attend anyone's Funeral ..

And abuse takes many forms. My DSD is now nc with her paternal GPs with my DHs (and my) support because they were continually horrible about her mother whenever she saw them amongst other things, despite DH trying to call them out on it.