To verbally take ex MIL's head off ?

[sprockercrazy]

Posting here for traffic -

Background - DD is almost 18 years old and I split with her father when she was 6 months old.
Despite living in the next village to ex MIL/FIL they have never taken much interest in DD and she had never been out with them on day trips, holidays or sleepovers like her cousins. They never ring her and the only time they ever saw her was I or DD's father took her to their house. For these reasons she has never been particularly close to them.
DD has (over the last few years) been having some MH issues and social anxiety meaning that she finds it difficult to be in many social situations especially with people that she doesn't know or feel comfortable around.
Ex FIL sadly passed away last March and DD decided not to go to the funeral. For perspective my DB, whom DD was very close to passed away 2 years ago. She also decided not to attend his funeral. This was a decision that I respected.
Ex MIL wanted DD to join the her family on a trip to scatter FIL's ashes in the summer. DD also declined this. Her DF was fine about this.
Fast forward today DD has received the most awful letter from EX MIL calling DD selfish and cruel for not attending Ex FIL's funeral and several other horrible insults. This is from a woman who DD hasn't seen for at least 3 years.
AIBU In fantasising about verbally battering EX MIL ?

Nobody should be forced to go to anybody's funeral. I believe that it is personal choice.

I totally respect my DD's decision not to attend either my DB funeral or her GF's funeral.

Because you generally have a good relationship with her dad and he is also angry I would leave him to it.

Can understand why you want to, it's made me angry just reading your post! MIL is outrageous!

Any other mail return unopened.

Glad your DD is handling it well.

Its good that you can leave this to him. If that weren't the case I'd be saying yes, definitely set the record straight with this woman. Starting with shaming her for excluding your DD from the other activities her cousins got to do.

Doesn't matter how old your DD is, sometimes we all need our mums sticking up for us!

I totally agree that nobody should be forced to go to a funeral - why on earth should they if they don't want to? Bollocks to that.

I had a lovely friend who hated funerals so much she didn't even go to her own dearly beloved husband's funeral. No one gave her grief, good job she didn't know anyone like Waiting.

As for your MIL, sprocker, I would leave it to exH to deal with. He might not be as blunt with her as you would be, but that doesn't matter so long as there is no repeat performance. Just cut contact with the unpleasant woman now, completely. Anything that appears to come from her, return unopened.

Good for your DD being as strong as she is, btw.

@waitforlifetostart
out of interest, why do you think anyone should go to a funeral?

I find that a most odd idea

sprockercrazy
I think you have done the right thing inh passing this over to your Ex. I would support your DD in not contacting them if that's what she wants

fantasise for sure.

I'm glad you have her dad to back you up. Leave it to him, but insist that he makes it absolutely clear that she is NEVER to write to your DD again like that and that should she have any issues to raise them directly with her son.

x-post - well done - just focus on your DD. hope shes' ok

If your ex is handling it then total drama lama to get involved.

So you think the daughter should risk exacerbating her mental health to go to a funeral, waiting? Seriously? You think keeping up appearances is more important than someone's wellbeing? I'm glad I didnt have that view when my best friend couldn't attend my DH's funeral or I would either have fallen out with them, or have to help them as their mental health was affected for doing the right thing.

OP, I would usually say it's up to the son to deal with their mother, but in this case she has directly attacked your daughter, so you have every right to let loose on her. I would simply send her a very short note telling her that this behaviour is why she hasn't seen her granddaughter for so long and why she won't be seeing her in future, then leave it at that.

I wouldn’t just be fantasising and I wouldnt give a flying fuck about her nerves. Nasty cow

I can’t go to funerals because I had cancer when I was youngest than the DD in the OP and attended a few of my friends from hospitals funerals. I completely tortured myself imagining myself in the coffin and have been too traumatised to attend one since. No one should be forced to attend a funeral.

Your poor DD. I’d leave it to the ex to deal with.

The only thing I’d say - a close elderly relative suddenly started to be very cantankerous- social fears too - it was the onset of dementia.

sprockercrazy my personal choice would be to write roughly what you have written in your opening post and return it with the letter to your exMIL. BUT the letter was not addressed to you and your dd is almost an adult.

So I would ask her what she wanted me to do, suggest a few things, and just do, or not do, whatever she says.

Can I ask if you are seeking help for her from CAMHS? I hope so. My dd has some MH issues and we are getting help, it is hard work but worth it.

You are right, your dd is entitled to not go to funerals etc, as she wishes.

The only thing I’d say - a close elderly relative suddenly started to be very cantankerous- social fears too - it was the onset of dementia

interestingly with the ability to write a poisonous letter.. funny how it's never a loving cherished letter they write...

out of interest, why do you think anyone should go to a funeral?
I find that a most odd idea

I don't think anyone should be forced to go to a funeral but I would be a bit disappointed if a teenager chose not to go to the funeral of a family member they were close to. Just as a mark of respect really. Nobody finds them happy or easy occasions but as you get older sometimes you have to face up to doing difficult things.

However I don't think this applies in the case of the OP and her GF since they clearly did not have a close relationship. Why did she feel she could not go to her DU funeral though?

Italiangreyhound Yes she has been having support from CAMHS for about 18 months now. It's a long road for her but she is doing really well

I just wish there was some support for the parents too

Keep the letter.

I got one of these (not exactly the same but rather similar, I suspect) from my DF’s new OH (now spouse).

I once tried talking about it a few years later. But I didn’t have the letter anymore so DF’s OH claimed that I simply misunderstood....

I suggest sending a copy of the letter to her DF/calling him and then verbally tearing your ex-MIL’s head off.

Your poor DD.

I was a teen when I received that letter and also had MH issues, btw.

Your poor DD. :(

I do hope that you and or your ex get this sorted.

What did MIL expect? Mind boggling that she should act in such a hurtful way.

Poor DD but good on her for not being pushed into attending.

Why do some older people do such self-absorbed things?
If your DD was upset OP I'd suggest at least a short sharp 'back the hell off' phone call. Your DD is made of sterner stuff though so I'd just give her a squeeze and don't give your xMIL any headspace at all.

My DM chose 6 days after my exH had died to send my eldest child (yes, 6 days after their Dad died suddenly) a list of deficiencies/issues with their social media/lifestyle choices/sexuality...on and on. We are still on speaking terms (barely) but no-one in the household accepts texts or emails from her any more. If it needs to be said then it has to be said aloud.

How dare she!!!

I do think you'd be best to leave it to your ex though as it's his mum and shows a better, stronger and more united front on the anger and how unreasonable she was to send that godawful letter.

To those asking why DD didn't attend my DB's funeral. She was 15 at the time he died very unexpectedly and in the middle of GCSE preparation.

Whilst we were all completely devastated DD took it the hardest as DB and her were very close ( he didn't have any DC of his own).
She was also at this point struggling with her MH more that I realised.
Her way of coping was to go into denial and attending the funeral would have forced her out of that and into a place that she couldn't have coped with at that point in her life.

Like I've said I fully respected her decision

Thank you all for your replies and giving me somewhere to vent

To be honest I think unless it's an abusive relationship then people should go to a family member's funeral. She should also have gonevto your DBs.

waitingforlifetostart - You have obviously never suffered a mental health issue. It\s not as easy to do these things - or any things - as you seem to think.

Plus I think ignoring your grand-child for umpteen years is emotionally abusive.

I think I would write a letter in the way Slightlyperturbed has suggested. Shows your DD you have her back, you remain dignified, and you have laid your boundaries down for no more of her nonsense. I think its really important your parents are seen to protect you from this stuff. Mine never did, and I still remember it.

I agree with leaving it to DD's father to sort out - his family, his problem and he sounds reasonably sensible. There's nothing whatsoever wrong with your DD not having wanted to go to the funeral.

The only grounds on which I would suggest rising above it rather than escalating this into a feud would be that MIL has, after all, just lost her husband. People who are recently bereaved often get irrationally angry and may take that anger out on the wrong person.