To verbally take ex MIL's head off ?

[sprockercrazy]

Posting here for traffic -

Background - DD is almost 18 years old and I split with her father when she was 6 months old.
Despite living in the next village to ex MIL/FIL they have never taken much interest in DD and she had never been out with them on day trips, holidays or sleepovers like her cousins. They never ring her and the only time they ever saw her was I or DD's father took her to their house. For these reasons she has never been particularly close to them.
DD has (over the last few years) been having some MH issues and social anxiety meaning that she finds it difficult to be in many social situations especially with people that she doesn't know or feel comfortable around.
Ex FIL sadly passed away last March and DD decided not to go to the funeral. For perspective my DB, whom DD was very close to passed away 2 years ago. She also decided not to attend his funeral. This was a decision that I respected.
Ex MIL wanted DD to join the her family on a trip to scatter FIL's ashes in the summer. DD also declined this. Her DF was fine about this.
Fast forward today DD has received the most awful letter from EX MIL calling DD selfish and cruel for not attending Ex FIL's funeral and several other horrible insults. This is from a woman who DD hasn't seen for at least 3 years.
AIBU In fantasising about verbally battering EX MIL ?

Good for DD in feeling strong enough to make that choice and to be able to put awful exMiL's words into perspective! And that she understands that the letter reflects on her grandmother, not on her. My DS would probably feel the same way but has just recently got to the point where he would have felt strong enough in the face of 'disapproval' to say it out loud. We're very proud and happy that he's progressed to this point.

I wouldn't contact MiL. That would be taking DD's 'power' away from her. I know you want to let exMiL know how cruel her words were, but it's up to DD to do that, if she chooses to. If she chooses not to, that's fine too.

As far as the letter, that's up to DD, too. Keep it, toss it, ritually burn it with a voodoo doll. Totally her decision.

Awful woman and your DD has been great in how she coped with this.

I don't think any pressure should be put on teenagers to attend a family funeral, and it's understandable that with MH issues, her DU's funeral would have been too much for her.

Yes it is definitely DD's decision about how this situation is handled.

We've discussed it and I had her permission to phone her DF. She knows that he's going to discuss it with the poisonous old dragon GP and says that she's now completely NC with her

I don't know what she hoped to achieve by sending the letter but she has now succeeded in completely isolating herself from DD.
I hope that she is happy with this outcome

"Dear ex-mil

Thank you for the recent letter you sent DD. It came at just the right time. I've been suffering with gastric flu and after having a well deserved laugh at it, I Found myself a little lacking in loo roll so your letter was put to good use. Despite being already full of crap it was surprisingly absorbent!

You have wasted no time or effort in building a relationship with my DD and therefore are in no position to expect anything from her. To throw a tantrum, at your advanced age, is entirely innapropriate and merely confirms how fortunate we have been by your choice in abstaining from contact with DD.

There is no need for you to write again, we have remedied our toilet roll situation.

OP"

😈😜😈

Sorry posted too soon, I meant to add that your DD sounds like a very sensible and well adjusted young woman in spite of her MH issues. I am quite old enough to know better but couldn't resist knocking up a little reply.

I hope neither of you ever have to deal with the hag again. X

I like Lairy's letter. Perhaps you and your DD can amuse yourselves by composing letters like this that you will never actually send. She doesn't deserve any real-life attention or reaction from either of you.

"Dear Grandmama,

THank you so much for your letter which has helped us clear up a long-standing argument. DD's position was that you are a poisonous old witch with not a single redeeming feature, whereas I was maintaining that you are a poisonous old dragon with the redeeming feature of not being in our lives too much. It turns out that I was right, but that your sole redeeming feature is now that you are now out of our lives completely.

I enclose your original letter for your reference. I have lightly folded the edges as you will see. This will enable you to roll it more effectively, for easy insertion into whichever orifice you deem fit.

Luv 'n' kisses, Sprocker and SprockerTheYounger x x x"

We are really enjoying the letters

100% you were right to let your DD choose to attend a funeral or not. Everyone grieves differently and for some people a funeral is part of that. For others it adds to their pain and is not necessary. Nobody should feel forced to go to a funeral no matter what the relationship.

You’re more reserved than me by fantasising as I would have ripped her a new one and possibly made up some new swear words in the process. I’m mad for your DD.

I also LOVE @scampimom ‘s letter

Is xmil in the wrong - yes. But will it actually help things by having a go at an older lady who is already having to deal with her grief and being alone? Probably not.

You’d be better off just explaining to your daughter that some people say mean things when grieving and hurt

I would never want someone to be forced to go to my funeral.

Yes, go ahead Sprocker, let her have it ! 😡
Your daughter is not a show pony.

Why hesitate- call her, unleash everything, let it all out and then hang up. Never speak to her again.

I'd call her and tell her what you think, she's not bothered about dd, nor is dd bothered about you.
You owe her family nothing, she's an ex mil for a reason

sorry, nor is dd bothered about her, it should read.

send letter back with pen all over it saying "fuk u"

I would respond with a letter saying how sorry you are she feels that way, and that it has been a matter of disappointment that they did not have a closer relationship with your daughter in the past but that a letter in the terms received will not assist in building a relationship now.

Leave it at that. Take the high.

calm as calm can be call her and be really smugly calm " hi,we got your letter.my daughter and I would like to thankyou.wed like to thankyou so much for reminding us why we have had no contact.why she has no relationship with you and why she would never attend the funeral and scatterings.you have made it so beautifully easy for her to expel any guilt we had over it.becasue my daughter is wonderful she was questioning herself and her kindness over these situations.but now.thankyou.a handwritten letter,prood on paper to reinforce what we all thought of you in the first place.how good do you feel right now...goodbye..."phone down.

@sprockercrazy YANBU at all op! I'd be livid! Nasty woman.
You sound like an amazing Mum and so supportive of your DD which is lovely to hear.

SchadenfreudePersonified - you don't know me or my situation.

To those asking why I think people should go to funerals - because I think it's the right thing to do.

Write a letter with lots of swearing and telling her exactly what you think of her. Then burn it. Writing it all down will be better than keeping all the anger inside, but don't lower yourself to her level by posting it.

Does nobody think that the MIL is bereaved and possibly acting very oddly because of that?It is a horrible horrible experience to lose a partner...People can behave in strange ways at such times.
I really do not think doing anything unkind will help.I acnnot imagine ringinga widow up and berating her for a stupid letter she wrote.
If it were me, I would send it back to her .
I sincerely hope your DD wrote a letter and explained why she could not attend but sent her condolences.

DD is actually handling better than me lol

She is very calm and making dinner for us all. we are going to have some fun later making up spoof letters later tonight.

If I'm honest I doubt her DF will have he balls to say anything to his mother but we are just going to ignore and carry on with our lives.

DD has said that she will send back any further letters unopened

Chocolateworshipper has the best idea.

Write it down. Tear it up. Burn it. Repeat as necessary. Cut the malevolent old cowbag out of your lives forever!

You and Sprocker2 will be able to have a great time thinking up insults and revenge scenarios, but won't lower yourself to her level or give he4r any more headspace (except as an object of comic relief).