To verbally take ex MIL's head off ?

[sprockercrazy]

Posting here for traffic -

Background - DD is almost 18 years old and I split with her father when she was 6 months old.
Despite living in the next village to ex MIL/FIL they have never taken much interest in DD and she had never been out with them on day trips, holidays or sleepovers like her cousins. They never ring her and the only time they ever saw her was I or DD's father took her to their house. For these reasons she has never been particularly close to them.
DD has (over the last few years) been having some MH issues and social anxiety meaning that she finds it difficult to be in many social situations especially with people that she doesn't know or feel comfortable around.
Ex FIL sadly passed away last March and DD decided not to go to the funeral. For perspective my DB, whom DD was very close to passed away 2 years ago. She also decided not to attend his funeral. This was a decision that I respected.
Ex MIL wanted DD to join the her family on a trip to scatter FIL's ashes in the summer. DD also declined this. Her DF was fine about this.
Fast forward today DD has received the most awful letter from EX MIL calling DD selfish and cruel for not attending Ex FIL's funeral and several other horrible insults. This is from a woman who DD hasn't seen for at least 3 years.
AIBU In fantasising about verbally battering EX MIL ?

don't lower yourself to her level by posting it.

Yes, this. Burn off the rage by writing it all down, but chuck it in the shredder afterwards.

"Dear Grandmoaner,

Sorry, I appear to have mis-spelled that. You know what it's like - you accidentally type "Dear" when what you meant was "Fuck off". Would you mind awfully just fucking off? I mean, like properly fucking the fuck off. Not just jostling yourself a bit, like a true fuck off to the farthest reaches of fuck, that kind of fucking off. Not sure how to fuck off? Well OFF is the direction we would like you to fuck. As far as you can.

Tatty bye, Sprocker and SprockerTheYounger"

No DD did not write a letter of condolence- she barely knew the man !
I attended the funeral on her behalf and I'm
Glad she didn't go as it was full of how much he loved his other GC and no mention of DD at all

I was a bit confused that all this outrage was aimed at a recently widowed woman!!! She might be out of order But have a bit of self restraint and move on!

Recently widowed means she can treat her GC like shit - not in my world love

Just bin the letter and forgive and forget as your DD seems to be dealing with this well, your ex mil is in the wrong and it was an awful thing to do to your DD but the women has just lost her DH and is grieving, to verbally abuse her at this time will do no good.

Being widowed does not give someone the right to treat her granddaughter like shit.

What seems strange is that Ex FIL passed away in March and the scattering of his ashes was in July - why wait until new year to send her verbal attack?

Don’t respond OP. It really isn’t worth the effort.

Recently widowed or not, the letter was way past out of order. The grandparents never took any interest the DD for whatever reason up to now - their choice. But you reap what you sow.

The grandfather died in March and the scattering of the ashes was in the summer. Of course there is no time limit on grief, but however long it goes on for it's no excuse for being a total cow.

"Dear Grandmother

How kind of you to write. As you haven't been interested in seeing me for over three years now, I was beginning to think you had forgotten me. It's nice to know I'm still in your thoughts.

However I can see that it was an effort for you to write on this occasion and I don't want to place any extra burden on you, so I'm happy to tell you that you needn't bother writing again. I'm sure that in time I will recover from the heartache of never hearing from my loving grandmother ever again.

Oh no, wait. You're not a loving grandmother and I've already recovered.

Happy new year

sprocker jnr."

What a selfish old trout!

keep the letter, then when other 'family' start to try and 'build bridges' you can show them that it wasn't a mistake and tell them to fuck off.

To be fair struggling with nerves is usually the older generation's code for having a mental health breakdown. Would severe mental health issues explain ex-mil's random attack now? It doesn't sound like the behaviour of a rational-thinking adult.

I'd support your dd in whatever way helps her best but probably warn her that she shouldn't expect her grandmother to see sense or apologise for her cruelty.

Waiting the OP's DD is a teenager with MH issues, if she chooses not to attend a funeral that's up to her and the OP. If it was my DD there is no way I'd force her to go to a funeral because she 'should'. People say goodbye in different ways.

OP I understand and I think YANBU, however as others have said, stay dignified, be there for DD and let ex. deal with his mother and forget about her. She's not worth it.

To be fair struggling with nerves is usually the older generation's code for having a mental health breakdown

But it can also be used as a way of being as nasty as you like while daring anyone to call you out on it.

I never said it gave her the right. I just don't see why going mad at her is the answer. Write a letter back. Just pointing out you have the chance to be better.

@sprockercrazy the fact your daughter received such a vicious letter and is now "ok" about it and laughing and joking shows her strength of character. You did that - well done. My biggest fear for my 2 DDs is people beating them down and dulling their sparkle. I hope they grow up with the confidence to cry, compose themselves and laugh such horrible things off. xx

Thank you sockunicorn that's very kind of you to say.

And that is why she doesn't have a relationship with her gm. If she had any idea of who her gd is, she will have known about her issues.
Leave it up to exh to handle and drop all contact from this point.
With any luck, exh will make her see how hypocritical her comments were.