To wish DH would stop wasting food on his son?

[YeahYeahz]

Bear with me -

DSS is 19 and autistic. This means his diet is very limited to plain pizza, chicken nuggets and pasta and sauce type stuff.

DH however insists on "trying" him with new stuff that he just doesn't want. Example - Christmas meal out DSS asked for a plain burger. DH said "but they do bacon and cheese burgers! Or look, kebab burgers! Chilli burgers even ... "

DSS kept saying no, he only wanted plain. No cheese, nothing.

So DH comes back with a cheese burger saying "just try it, it's nice". DSS took one look at it and pushed the plate away leaving the entire burger, chips, salad etc untouched. He then went and hid in the bathroom for half an hour.

DH does this all the time!! Just try this lamb, you'll love it ... cue, big plate of lamb gets wasted.

Just let the lad eat what he wants rather than him going hungry and shit tons of food going to waste, surely?

I doubt your DH is going to be able to change his DS tastes this way. It dos seem very wasteful. Surely it is fine that he is eating a range of foods, even if he likes the same things each time. Why does your DH do this? I would think he needs to take the lead from his DS not force new things upon him.

There is an autistic boy in my class who would only eat one type of food. We spent so many lunch times encouraging him to try different foods. Lots of food was wasted but eventually we found something else for him to eat which meant his diet was a tiny bit more varied.

I think it is great your DH is encouraging some variety in his DS diet. Obveously DS is an adult now so aslong as he is not being forced, and just encouraged, I don't see the problem.

To be honest the fact he pushed it to the point where your DSS was so overwhelmed he had to hide would worry me more than food being wasted. He’s his dad, why would he do that to him?

Yabu, unless you are a dietician/speech and language therapist or psychologist who specialises in autism feeding issues. Are you?

Maybe he's trying to desensitise his ds to food, in which case, it doesn't matter if food gets eaten or not.

Under the guidance of s@lt and dietician we serve food liked but also add a new food. We never make a situation Out of the new food. It’s also followed through in every setting - so school, home, clubs and respite.

His method isn’t working and is resulting in more stress for the son.

It’s seems reasonable for your DP to be trying to encourage your DSS to try new foods, but it sounds like he is going about it the wrong way. For a start dinner at a restaurant doesn’t seem the right place - a lot of people tend to default to foods they know they will enjoy when eating out rather than trying something they’re not sure they’ll like and that’s fine.

At home I think it’s good to offer new foods but this should be done alongside liked foods and without any pressure. So I would give a regular plain liked burger but then also give a small amount of a new food next to it - but DSS needs to feel in control so he should be able to choose what the new food is and when/ whether he’s going to try it.

OP you are the step mum. Your view will automatically be wrong and your concerns unfounded.

Why is it wasted? Take it home with you and your husband can eat it later.

Probably not the best idea to try new foods on meals out because as you pointed out, the whole meal gets wasted, but surely at home, the idea would be to try a very small portion of something new maybe on a separate plate? That way very little gets wasted and he gets exposed to new foods.

a very small portion of something new maybe on a separate plate

That’s what we do. I think with the best intentions your DH isn’t fully understanding the sensory overload of being out AND being pushed to try new things.

YANBU but are you more worried about the expense or about your DSS? I don't think your DH should push his 19yo son to try and eat new things in an already potentially heightened setting (restaurant). The place to do that is at home. Then if the lad doesn't want it, you can just put it back in the fridge or wherever, not waste it.

This is not a sensible way to try and broaden his DS's tastes.

As pp said, it could be positive to try and encourage the young man to eat more varied foods but it's not being done in a great way. It will come across as nagging and pressurising as well as being expensive.

I can't imagine there's a dietician in the works who would advocate this approach. Serving food alongside is one thing, constant nagging and offering food instead is something else.

I think the accepted wisdom is to offer something new alongside acceptable foods and hope that eventually it'll be tried. I think trying to force him by substituting his food is not only a horrible and upsetting, it's also clearly not working.

I don't think encouraging him to try new foods is a bad thing, but there's a time and a place. It would be better to do that at home, where DSS may also be more comfortable with it, rather than a meal out with new surroundings. It also puts a lot of pressure on DSS during a meal out, which sounds like it was spoilt for him. At home it is less of a big deal and easier to maybe get him to try a small amount of something new alongside a meal, rather than a whole new meal where he won't eat anything.

It sounds like clumsy/well intentioned making things worse. Our DS1 is 5 and has an extremely self restricted diet (he's eaten only sausages and bread for 2 weeks now) and we have been advised by specialists to not put food in front of him as a fait accompli. Mezze/buffet style works best for getting him to try stuff.

Just having the food available and visible with no pressure is what has been advised.

My DH often keeps saying 'just try it' etc pushing DS1 into getting very stressed. I understand it's hard as seeing a child not eat is soul destroying. But it's no good if it's making things worse.

Can you have a conversation about constructive ways of introducing food in a non pressurised way?

Steff - i'm assuming it's wasted as people don't really take home cold burger and chips do they? (I wouldn't). A curry maybe. But that kind of food is rank reheated or cold.

DSS kept saying no, he only wanted plain. No cheese, nothing. So DH comes back with a cheese burger saying "just try it, it's nice".

TBH, I'm neurotypical and that would piss me off - it's extremely frustrating to have your wishes overridden like that, especially as regards food. As a result, the poor lad didn't get any dinner and your meal out was stressful and unhappy. I imagine it makes it harder for him to trust his father around food - he knows he wishes aren't going to be listened to.

Have you spoken calmly to your DH about this? Not in an accusing way, just "I found it a bit upsetting when you changed DSS's food order. It seems that whenever you do that, he ends up going hungry and becoming distressed. How do you feel it went?"

Does sound very wasteful and stressful for all of you. If asked what he wanted, would he ask for anything other than pizza or chicken nuggets? Or if you gave him a choice? E.g 'would you like x or y for dinner tonight?' Just a thought

Is your DH accepting of his son's autism? It sounds to me that he is almost trying to bully him into being neurotypical.

Isnt it all just code for "please try not being autistic". ?

It doesnt sound like your partner has come to terms with his autism, but being domineering and dominating him by overriding his wishes is a hopelessly emotional response.

I think its worthing having a discussion with him about understanding how being a dominating male to anyone is negative, but particularly to a young man who has autism.

Why not serve up a buffet with food he likes but also a few new foods too and let him help himself. Just seeing different foods and knowing they are served at same time as his safe food may help him become more tolerant of them.

For some people what they eat is the only control they feel they have over their environment/life. Having that control taken away in such a high handed way would extremely frustrating and distressing. Even if the intentions are good.

Had your DH ever spoken to anybody professional who has explained how all this manifests itself?

The poor boy! Just not being listened to.

And he has to go hungry! Awful behaviour from your dh.

It is possible to diversify a child's diet. We have done it a number of times in my specialist setting with amazing results.

However, this is not something I would be doing in a restaurant on a special occasion when there is enough pressure anyway.

Perhaps you need to discuss it with your DP along the lines of agreeing that you will work together to diversify his diet, but xyz is not the time to do it because you want DSS to be comfortable and enjoy himself as much as possible.