To wish DH would stop wasting food on his son?

[YeahYeahz]

Bear with me -

DSS is 19 and autistic. This means his diet is very limited to plain pizza, chicken nuggets and pasta and sauce type stuff.

DH however insists on "trying" him with new stuff that he just doesn't want. Example - Christmas meal out DSS asked for a plain burger. DH said "but they do bacon and cheese burgers! Or look, kebab burgers! Chilli burgers even ... "

DSS kept saying no, he only wanted plain. No cheese, nothing.

So DH comes back with a cheese burger saying "just try it, it's nice". DSS took one look at it and pushed the plate away leaving the entire burger, chips, salad etc untouched. He then went and hid in the bathroom for half an hour.

DH does this all the time!! Just try this lamb, you'll love it ... cue, big plate of lamb gets wasted.

Just let the lad eat what he wants rather than him going hungry and shit tons of food going to waste, surely?

Your poor dss, felt sad for him having him take himself off in the restaurant for 1/2 hr as your dh changed his food. At 19yo he obviously knows what he likes. My dd has autism and also has a restricted list of safe foods. In a restaurant where things are different is not the time to try giving different food.

It's not like being a fussy toddler, im.sure tour dh means well but sounds like he needs to inform himself about asd.

There are plenty of NT people who have strong food preferences too, and it would be appalling to treat them this way and the same goes for his son.

Would he ask you want you wanted, then bring you something else, telling you you have to try it because it's nice? Probably not. His son is 19, an adult and old enough to choose his own food off a menu.

I'd be saying that to your DP and I'd be expressing my upset that his son was going hungry. You're entitled to remark on it IMO.

And I'd probably quite forcefully offer to do the ordering at a restaurant and butt in and clearly tell them what DSS wants.

I'm not a stepmum, and maybe I'd make a crap one but i couldn't stand by and watch this. I hate it when people get ignored like that.

The man is 19 years old he should be able to choose what he eats.

Your husband is a massive twat trying to demand he eats food he can’t eat and leaving him hungry at meal times. It’s shit nasty behaviour.

But I’m a bit perturbed by you being more concerned by the food waste than you are about a vulnerable person having their disability used as a method of preventing them eating

Poor kid, that sounds really stressful for him. I'm sure your husband means well, but I can't understand that he can't see that overriding his wishes and trying to force the food on him is an absolutely awful approach. As others have said, it'd be different if he'd ordered a new side dish and encouraged his son to try it, but actually substituting his order is really dickish. The autism isn't even relevant - it'd be just as dickish if I were out with someone who was convinced I'd learn to like super spicy food if only I tried it, so slyly changed my order behind my back to try and shove it on me. I'd probably refuse to try it as a matter of principle.

In fact, now I'm getting irritated at this hypothetical person in this fictional scenario

The food wastage is secondary to the above, but it would drive me mad too.

I hate it because it's so passive aggressive!

Laughing jovially whilst essentially bullying someone is not ok.

I have ASD and eat a comparatively limited range of foods. If I'd been treated like that at 19, not only would I not have tried the cheeseburger, I'd have refused to go out for family meals again because I'd anticipate that it would be stressful/my wishes wouldn't be respected. Autistic or not, a 19 year old is a young adult and using the same tactics you would to try to encourage a fussy NT 5-year-old to try new things isn't acceptable.

To this day I try to avoid social eating unless I know I'm with people who will accept that if I want just a side order, a plainer meal or a main meal without the sauces, it's okay. Making a big deal of it in public or giving me things I didn't ask for never encouraged me to try them - it just made the social situation much more difficult for me.

What worked for me was a complete lack of pressure. I tried new foods by choosing them from the supermarket myself, buying and cooking them myself so that if I still didn't like them, nobody else was going to complain or be disappointed. Someone asking 'would you like to try x?' was fine, as long as they accepted 'no thank you' as a valid answer. There are lots of tastes and textures I still don't like and probably never will, but my diet is much less beige than it used to be! It only started to expand when I wasn't under parental pressure about food, though.

People can be such bullies about food. Maybe you could mention to your dh that what is achieveing is to keep making mealtimes stressful and anxiety provoking for his ds, and ask him why he thinks that he should be allowed to upset him in this way? Why does his wish that dss would try some food that your dp would like him to eat matter so much more than your dss's right to eat a meal he likes without being tormented?

That is to say, YANBU, OP! I do realise it wasn't you doing all this. Your DH is definitely unreasonable, though.

It's difficult my son is severly autistic and his diet is limited I try and make sure I always have his favourites in but let him try stuff we eat if he wants it he ate aunt bessies roasted parsnips yesterday so that's a new thing I will buy for him.!

I'm going to go against the grain a bit here. I have a child with ASD and another undiagnosed but in many ways more obvious (we just haven't started that process until recently because he has had the right type of support so not needed the diagnosis), my eldest has had several sensory issues, including food. I do encourage my children to try new things regularly.

However, I do feel your husband/partners way is not the right way. I generally know when and how to push, my eldest will hate trying anything new, including activities but often immediately decides it's the best thing ever once he has experienced this. I don't know if that's right, I do know I have taken him on a ride with him shouting he doesn't want to and Immediately afterwards requested to do that ride over and over the rest of the visit. Perhaps it's cruel, I do feel like everyone, myself included needs to be pushed out of the comfort zones, but not too far as to leave them completely in the deep end.

It sounds like it's more of the deep end for your step child. Like if mine had requested a burger and already ate cheese them I would definitely push them to try (if probably order both types) but of They didn't already eat cheese then I'd be less likely to. Often we deconstruct food items and once I'm happy they will eat it then put them tighter again.

I'm lucky I guess that mine would rather much on raw carrots or reddish than chicken nuggets.

I don't think over riding anyone's choices is every kind. I think encourage and offer options but don't take safe options away completely.

Saying that one of my others who doesn't have an issues is super fussy, we are making slow progress there, so I know I don't have all the answers, Other than every child is different.

I think the accepted wisdom is to offer something new alongside acceptable foods and hope that eventually it'll be tried. I think trying to force him by substituting his food is not only a horrible and upsetting, it's also clearly not working

What BitOutOfPractice said. I don't think you're being at all unreasonable, OP.

Some strange agendas on here ... but then there always are these days.

Well I guess he has good intentions, but in the example you give, your DH comes across as deeply insensitive and really annoying.

Is this man well-intentioned though? It sounds to me as if he lacks empathy and just wants to force his son to be more "normal", perhaps especially in public. He has his own idea of what's "nice" and isn't interested that his son has his own preferences. He's not even telling his son to eat more healthily, it's just about enforcing his own idea of what's enjoyable.

Is there anything DH doesn't like? Maybe ordering that for him might wake him up to how he's making his son feel.

Has OP been back? Or have we all been caught out by a GF/DF journo?

I'd think your DH was an insensitive, domineering twat if he did that to me. All the more so to do it to someone with such clearly stated preferences, causing them predictable upset.

If he wants to offer a taste of something else, why not order the item of interest for himself, then let Dss try some from his plate? Or just stop doing this when out, at all.

Yanbu, he bullied his son to the point where he wasn't allowed to enjoy a meal out. Eating in public must have been stressful enough without being put off his food.

@DixieNormas sadly that’s very true. We seem to be the target of the moment.

The issue here is not food waste. The issue is an autistic person repeatedly being put outside of their comfort zone with food, for no particular reason. It's stressful for him and for you, and unnecessary. It's not like there are any major health or nutritional differences between a plain burger and a cheeseburger. It's odd behaviour from your DH, almost like he's trying to 'force' his son to be a more typical eater.

Aye I’ve been hearing about other sites too, it’s just so depressing. What does it say about the kind of people they are? Nothing good anyway!

His 19 he know what he likes, why didn’t he just buy the poor sod a plain burger? Why waste money on the cheeseburger? He is an adult and to me it’s mean to not listen to him when he tells you what food he would like to eat.

Fair enough to say would you like to try X but you have to respect that persons wishes if they say no

The dss is being forced, though, isn’t he, uhoh, in that he either eats what his dad gets him or goes hungry. Unsuccessfully forced, but still forced.

Why take your son out for a meal, and then make him miserable by not allowing him to choose his own food? He’s 19, fgs!

Is your dh this controlling about other things?