Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish DH would stop wasting food on his son?

87 replies

YeahYeahz · 02/01/2018 12:49

Bear with me -

DSS is 19 and autistic. This means his diet is very limited to plain pizza, chicken nuggets and pasta and sauce type stuff.

DH however insists on "trying" him with new stuff that he just doesn't want. Example - Christmas meal out DSS asked for a plain burger. DH said "but they do bacon and cheese burgers! Or look, kebab burgers! Chilli burgers even ... "

DSS kept saying no, he only wanted plain. No cheese, nothing.

So DH comes back with a cheese burger saying "just try it, it's nice". DSS took one look at it and pushed the plate away leaving the entire burger, chips, salad etc untouched. He then went and hid in the bathroom for half an hour.

DH does this all the time!! Just try this lamb, you'll love it ... cue, big plate of lamb gets wasted.

Just let the lad eat what he wants rather than him going hungry and shit tons of food going to waste, surely?

OP posts:
dentydown · 02/01/2018 14:47

I get where your DH is coming from but, to do it really overwhelms his son.
Get some gui puddings and eat them yourself. Keep the ramekin dishes. When Dss has his nuggets or plain burger, put some food in the ramekin for him to try or have near his plate. (a bit of your dps or yours). Dss has his food, but gets the choice of trying it. A big step would be allowing the ramekin on the plate with his beige food. No pressure on trying the food in the ramekin, just getting used to different food being near him. He can move the ramekin away.

GingerIvy · 02/01/2018 14:47

My 11yo is autistic with food issues. It has taken years to build him up to a varied diet. Pushing food at him would not be helpful.

As an example...

First he needs to see the food, without the pressure of having to eat it, taste it, or even touch it. And most definitely not on his plate. So either on my plate while we're sitting at the same table or simply in a serving dish on the table.

When he's comfortable seeing it on the table, I will put a small portion on his plate, in addition to what he is eating. Not touching the other food. He can touch it, sniff it, lick it, or completely leave it alone. But we progress no further until he is interested in it. Yes, it means food will be wasted, but the point is to make it more familiar, less threatening. Desensitising, I suppose.

Eventually (it can take a long time!) he may decide he wants to smell it, poke it with a fork, lick it, even possibly taste a little bite. His call. When he's ready.

We've managed to introduce loads of foods this way over the course of years. Slowly. Gradually. He has had some stages where he's been more interested in trying different foods. When this happens, I basically make sure we have a new food as often as possible. Grin (Strike while the iron is hot, right?)

Pushing the food on him, however, would mean he would not eat at all, and increase the risk of further food phobias.

This was all on the advice of medical/dietary professionals.

GoReylo · 02/01/2018 14:47

He's his son. Perhaps this is a strategy that has worked in the past?

Being a parent can mean very little in terms of knowing what an autistic child needs. I would never treat my autistic DS that way - take him food I know full well he can't - can't, not won't - eat so that he gets overwhelmed and has to hide in the loo and eats nothing. Great strategy for someone with such a restricted diet Hmm

Maybe recommend he takes some autism parenting classes, or cracks open a book?

Or he can just employ common sense? Give him what he ordered, a right everyone else at the table has - and then anything he might like to try on a separate plate. I feel sorry for his son, maybe you can speak up for him next time?

Ginkypig · 02/01/2018 14:47

My (adult) sd is autistic and can find menus and choices in general very hard so I help her choose sometimes when we are out as she then doesn't feel so overwhelmed but I help I don't ever decide.

Putting aside the aspect of the asd though for one second

This lad is 19 years old! He is an adult now and his choices should be respected!

Can you imagine being in a restaurant and your mum/sister/husband etc bringing you a completely different dish because they decide they knew better than you! You would probably walk out feeling livid.

SugarPlumLairy · 02/01/2018 14:52

Your H (nothing 'dear' about his behaviour) is being disrespectful and honestly causing more trouble than he nay think he is fixing. I know this as our DD is autistic and has food issues.
We feed her what we know she will eat, smaller quantities of things like pizza, larger quantities of any fruit or veg she accepts.

We always offer her a taste of whatever else is available but she ALWAYS has her own meal of what she will eat. She is 10 and feels comfortable asking to try what we are eating, she tells us "it's good to try, but ok to not like it isn't it?"

Please stand up for your young mans right to choose his own meal. Maybe start asking your H what he'd like for dinner and serve him shit HE doesn't like, see how he enjoys being disrespected, ignored and hungry.
And get your prioritys straight, it's not wasting food, it's wasting precious time with your son, it's wasting opportunities to show him you've got his back, it's wasting his memories of family life on stress and despair at never fitting in ...even with his family 😡

Honestly if my DH did this to our daughter I'd read him the riot act.

Ginkypig · 02/01/2018 14:52

Oh and to add generally Iv found that letting her have what she wants but then letting her try a bit of mine/dads/brothers etc if she wants has been quite successful because she then can try something without the pressure of wasting food or being scared she will disappoint if the food isn't liked.

Plus then I get to joke about it ooh no worries darling all the more for me haha.

DixieNormas · 02/01/2018 14:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GingerIvy · 02/01/2018 14:56

Dixie Yep. Food is always sniffed first. Always.

The only thing ds1 would eat previously of a roast dinner was the yorkshire pudding. That's it. Now he'll eat all but the gravy. That took years of introducing one food at a time. For the longest time, he ate raw carrots while we ate cooked carrots. He won't eat mash, but loves roast potatoes. You have to keep an open mind, or you'll lose your mind with it. Grin

EmNetta · 02/01/2018 15:02

Please, what's a GF/DF ?

Notreallyarsed · 02/01/2018 15:03

GF is goady fucker and DF is daily fail (daily mail)

DixieNormas · 02/01/2018 15:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GingerIvy · 02/01/2018 15:11

Dixie We've just managed to get both eating chicken drumsticks/legs. Seriously, I didn't think we'd ever get that far. I found that the closer the meat looks to its original form, the less they wanted to try it.

So chicken nuggets were okay, but freshly cooked chicken wasn't. Used to drive me nuts, but once I decided that it didn't have to happen overnight, I relaxed and it was no longer a stressy battle. It does require pre-planning though.

DixieNormas · 02/01/2018 15:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GingerIvy · 02/01/2018 15:22

Dixie We started by taking the batter off fish when we got fish and chips, so they could see what the fish looked like underneath. Oddly, they love going to the fishmonger to pick out a new type of fish. Just when you think you have them figured out, eh? Grin

Sorry OP, didn't mean to sidetrack your thread.

Seriously though - the food waste isn't really the issue here. We do waste a fair bit of food - but if it means my dcs eventually will have a more varied diet, I'm okay with the temporary wastage of food so they can take their time with it. But your DH pushing IS an issue.

Glumglowworm · 02/01/2018 15:25

YANBU

It sounds massively stressful for DS.

PP with experience of DC with food issues have given loads of helpful advice about introducing new foods. A common theme is gradual, no pressure introduction which is basically the opposite of what DH is doing.

Sirzy · 02/01/2018 15:26

Ds is 8 and autistic. He will only eat out st places he can get a burger and chips. If he was given a cheese burger or anything on the burger the whole meal would be replaced. Burgers aren’t one of his few acceptable meals at home though.

I do get how frustrating it is. However making an issue over food isn’t going to do anything to help and will most likely make things worse for everyone!

Allthewaves · 02/01/2018 15:29

He's lucky dss hid in toilet. My asd 6 yr old would launch it at him, scream that it's not what he asked for then go into a.complete rage.

He's ignoring dss wishes

Lovemusic33 · 02/01/2018 15:35

My dd is 14 and has Aspergers, she only eats plain pizza and fish cakes, ocationally I will try her with new things and was recently successful with a filet o fish from McDonald’s but as a rule I don’t force the issue as it’s a battle I am unlikely to win. When we are out it’s best just to let her have pizza and chips as I know she will eat it ( unless she finds and chunks of tomato in the sauce ). I would rather buy her something she will eat and for her to feel comfortable when we eat out than waste money and then for her to go hungry.

thegreatbeyond · 02/01/2018 15:35

I'm autistic and have 'masked' pretty well for many years, but even I would feel like a meltdown if someone tried to mess around with my food.
My mum generally left me alone with it and that was the way I liked it. I would always have one of two things when out. Even now, I go through food phases, where I like to eat one thing for a while.
Please leave him alone, this is really stressful and borderline abusive to autistic people, despite good intentions.

MrsKoala · 02/01/2018 15:57

Yesterday i did a roast Chicken - which is sometimes one of my dc tolerated foods and even did skinny fries and sausage meat balls with it. But DS1 wouldn't touch a bite. DS2 would only eat the sausage. A great big pile of food went in the bin. Sometimes i cook and think i may as well have just not bothered or should have saved everyone the drama by emptying it straight in the bin. It does seem wasteful but i don't think there is any answer to that.

DixieNormas · 02/01/2018 16:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Leeds2 · 02/01/2018 16:44

I think DH is right to encourage DSS to try different foods, but I think he should only do it, and only once, in a home environment where DSS will have access to foods he knows he likes, and only a small amount of food would be wasted if DSS didn't want to try it.
I think it is a ridiculous waste of food, and money, to splash out on a restaurant meal that DSS had said he didn't want. And not a very happy dining out/family experience for DSS. If someone thought they knew better than me about what I wanted when I ordered a meal, I would not be best pleased.

MrsKoala · 02/01/2018 17:04

Agree Dixie. Christmas day DS1 ate 20 cocktail sausages and 2 cups of water and nothing else Confused I worry about his digestion and damage to his insides so much.

Back to school Thursday and he may eat better once he gets back to his routine.

Any changes, like eating out, are not the place for controversial cheeseburgers!

Sirzy · 02/01/2018 17:06

I agree Dixie. Today Ds has eaten two slice of toast. He was also gagging at the smell of hotdogs at dinner so looks like another safe food is off his list. He has ageeed to Yorkshire pudding and mash for tea but how much will be eaten is another thing!

TheQueenOfWands · 02/01/2018 17:12

Do the same to your DH. When he says what he wants ask the staff if they could please cover it in some wanky sauce he doesn't like.

DS's best mate is autistic and only eats chips. I cook him chips. It's no biggie.