Has your DP ever called you fat?

[iloveMiWadi]

In a heated arguement today DP called me a fat ugly cow.. I am fat(size 16) and he knows this would hurt my feelings. He apologised a lot afterwards and said it was because I hurt his feelings. I didn't mention appearance though he's never called me fat before and it feels horrible to have him say that.

I am very fat but my DP has never said anything about my weight. I discuss it with him as I want to lose weight as I worry about my health in future but even then he just says he will support me with whatever I want to do.

I know that he adores me and finds me very sexy and would do no matter what size I am.

We have fights and never say anything mean to each other to hurt the others feelings. The moment he would call me fat and ugly in order to hurt me it would be over for me. He wont ever though as he is the kindest man I know and never comments on anyones appearance in a negative way.

My advice would be LTB. Same to everyone whose DP comments on your weight/appearance in a mean way. You all deserve better.

Goodness. I think in your shoes, I'd be leaving him. Sorry.

My husband obviously thinks I look far better on the skinny side, like an 8 rather than a 12 (so do I), but he would never say anything about it.

No, not even in jest. And in truth I am carrying too much weight. Even when I was heavily pregnant he never referred to my size in a negative way - always in a 'wow, you look amazing' way. We've had some very bad arguments too over the years but he's never resulted to personal insults about my physical appearance.

It doesn't really matter what the names he called you were (and I would be more upset that he thought I was ugly than fat). He flew off the deep end for no good reason and called you names that served no purpose other than to hurt you and make you feel humiliated. He was deliberately cruel to you.

So that is what you need to decide you can live with - a man that chooses to be cruel to you when he is challenged. It may be that he is devastated by how he acted and he reflects on it and never ever does it again. Or he doesn't, and thinks it is fine and gaslights you into thinking this is acceptable. You can't change him, only his you react to his behaviour.

OP, this rings so many alarm bells - not the 'fat' as an issue, but the use of personal abuse in arguments. I am not fat, so that wouldn't occur, but if my DH called me an ugly cow i would be devastated - I don't see how the relationship could survive such abuse.

In a long marriage with children, you will disagree at times- so how you conduct those disagreements really matters. You should never, ever call each other abusive names. You can argue about issues without being nasty, Your partner has been nasty. I really would not take this lightly.

I think your actual weight and appearance is a separate issue. No one who claims to love you should call you anything like that. Dump him, get on with your life and if and when you do find someone to share your life with, make sure it’s a person who wouldn’t in a million years say something like that with the sole intention of making you feel terrible.

XH did.

Your DP is trying to find a way of hurting you, and he has succeeded.

This is not normal behaviour. You can go and lose weight, but it won’t change the fact he is a nasty piece of work.

He’s working on damaging your self-esteem. Unless he is grovelling and begging forgiveness for something said which was meant to cause you distress, you either leave him or keep a very close eye on how his treatment of you affects you.

You say you love him, but love on it’s own isn’t enough to build a happy relationship on. You need respect, trust and kindness.

No never. He says some hurtful things in the heat of an argument, as most of us do, but not insults about the way I look.

We have both put on weight since we met, but he says that he fancies me more now than ever.

I know that if I ever stooped to telling him that he was fat as an insult it would be over for us, there’s no going back from something like that - how do you ever feel sexy and attractive after someone who’s supposed to love you has been so insulting? I would never be able to get undressed again if he’d been rude about my body, even if it’s true.

And as for ugly, you know that’s not true, whatever you weigh. There’s no such thing as an ugly face, just an ugly personality, which it sounds like he has.

Given what else you’ve said about him, he’s not a keeper. Dump and move on. Make 2018 the year you lose 13 stone of idiot.

No because we don’t speak to each other like that, even during arguments we don’t resort to personal insults. It shows a massive lack of respect. There’s so much more in your posts that’s screaming this relationship isn’t healthy.

I’ve been in bad relationships when I was younger and less experienced and you just don’t realise that you’re being treated badlythat it isn’t normal until you’re out of there and feel the massive sigh of relief. You can do better x

Fraggled

Margarita I felt so sad reading your comment.

My partner likes slender women, I knew this before we got into a relationship. I was a size 6 when I met him, and unfortunately I've gone up to a size 10. My partner doesn't call me 'fat' but he'll make remarks like, "you're heavier then before" if he picks me up, nicknames me buffalo and calls me a pig if we argue. If I ever talk about being slimmer, he says "it was so sexy".

This is just awful. Why do you think this is ok?

in an ideal world we would find our partner irresistibly attractive whatever they looked like. But this isn't an ideal world

I do actually find DH irresistibly attractive whatever he looks like because I love him. The attraction goes way beyond looks. It’s really awful that some people don’t realise their worth and that they’re much more than a body and a face.

OP your DP sounds horrible. Please don’t use things like ADHD to make excuses for him. He’s an adult and knew exactly what he was doing as evidenced in his apology.

No, he hasn't, in spite of me being a bit fat. Stating the fucking obvious simply to hurt me isn't in him, thankfully.

I do actually find DH irresistibly attractive whatever he looks like because I love him. The attraction goes way beyond looks. It’s really awful that some people don’t realise their worth and that they’re much more than a body and a face.

This ^
For those of you in an abusive relationship, or a relationship built on looks - thats not good love.
My OH can have not shaved for months, feel depressed, and think himself that he looks like crap but i will still lay there staring at him, admiring every little bit of him. Because i love him, and no matter what he looks like, i always find him attractive, sexy and gorgeous! Im sure hes exactly the same about me.

No never, even when I have been in retrospect a bit fat he'd never say it as it would hurt my feelings. This one isn't a keeper, tell him to get to fuck!! You decide if you want to lose weight or not

OP, why do you think this is ok? It's really not. Think of all the millions of men in the world - why lumber yourself with this one? He sounds vile. You are either the type to be that spiteful, or you are not. I doubt he will improve. If I were you, I would take this as a massive wake-up call and be reassessing my life choices. As PPs have said, he is telling you who he is - listen. You know he has crossed a line and that's why you're posting. He sounds insecure and deeply unpleasant. Free yourself from this dynamic because people like this will drag you down to their level. You can do so much better. Look on the bright side, at least you don't have DC with him. I hope you can find the strength to get rid.

Yes, once. He said I had a huge arse. Was during an argument about ten years ago.

I told him to go and find another girlfriend with a smaller arse if it bothered him. He backtracked pretty quickly.

No. He wouldn't. In fact he tells me my mirror is messed up because I constantly call myself a big girl.
However, my ex did! I was a size 8 when I met him. We Had a baby. 6 months after baby I was a size 12. (I am bigger now)
We wasn't even having a massive heated row. He was just a little snappy. He called me a fat bitch. I stayed with him for a few years after that. It destroyed me. In the few years I stayed with him he cheated on me, hit me countless times and was generally vile towards me. Every bad thing he did, in my mind it was because he thought I was fat and worthless. I was so so sad. I stopped wearing nice clothes. I never knew how much it had an effect on me though until I met my new DP. I now wear nice dresses again, tighter clothes. Im not 100% confident. I still constantly compare myself.
No man, or in fact no body has the right to body shame you!
The ugly comment...honestly, no matter how great we usually get on would have been the end of my DP and I. What a horrible thing to say.
You poor thing!

OP-I agree with almost everyone else. His comment really, really wasn't okay. Arguments in relationships are normal, resorting to personal insults for the satisfaction of hurting you is not.

Add to that the body-shaming and not wanting to pay his way. You really can do better. Honestly.

Never ever ever. My ex did and he was horrid.

@Margaritaanyone89 I think you should start a thread about your relationship. Your partner sounds really unpleasant

I find the ugly and cow comments just as hurtful. Why focus on just the fat? Who calls their partner ugly? Who refers to them as an animal? We often give helpful comments to each other about clothes like, that colour doesn't go, or those jeans need a belt, try a longer top etc. But never personal insults and never in an argument. This is awful OP. Get rid. You don't need that.

Attraction goes way beyond looks, my DH says he loves my body now because it has given him 4 children, my post baby body is just as attractive because it's mine. When I met DH he was 6ft 3 and swimming semi-professionally, he used the gym regularly and had a tan. He's now flabby and skinny but I find him far more beautiful now because it's no longer lust, it's love.

DH told me last year that I was 'getting cankles'. I was, because I was recovering from surgery and couldn't take any exercise, so I put on quite a lot of weight. It wasn't the most tactful way of putting it . As soon as I was sufficiently recovered, I started exercising and doing LCHF. Lost 2 stone; 1 more to go ...

Offers gentle hug, and need to say i havent RTFT but here is my 2pworth

I'm not small by any means but ive lost weight over the past few months. I vary across a few clothes sizes for example and at different points of year could be wearing from size 32 down to a tight 26 (at home only i want to add), im currently a looser 26 than usual

Partner is supportive and he has his own weight problems at the minute being that all the minute he is trying to keep every ounce he can on him as he is loosing weight all round, we have a good idea why and are waiting for the testing again as they have buggared it up several times before. He has PTSD by this stage.

The only time he ever said anything directly about my weight was during a phone call where he had rang my mobile to see how i was getting on after being ambulanced off with stroke like symptoms that i knew was caused by a rare type of migraine i have but was different from my usual presentation as id never had one hit my right side only. That i could remember but it had happened before.

He hadnt heard from me for about 12 hours as i was waiting in a&e to be seen, given fluids, then drs did neuro tests and discovered behind my eye was flooded with fluid due to high BP - think 240/180 and above and they started trialling me on BP meds while i react badly to a lot of meds and i had a reaction to the first med which meant they then needed to treat it, as i was recovering from that about an hour after this treatment/reaction started

Partner rang and i gave him a very brief update as my battery was about to go and all he said was "damn weight, ive always been worried something like this would happen you", then my phone died, there was a dr sat with me to make sure things were alright medically and i recall telling them they must have other things to do (not aware they were stablising me to go to a ward) and the a&e consultant telling me i needed to have one of his drs with me for the next 2 hours and then a nurse went off and brought back a box from lost property of chargers to see if i could get contact again. This helped. I got a proper chat with partner when i got some charge on mobi

Ive had nothing but support and that only 1 comment in almost 10 years is nothing for me as he was concerned.

Screaming. Please tell me you told your husband to fuck off? If there was a top 10 list of times it was most unacceptable to call someone fat or be cruel/judgemental then yours is definitely top 3.

Wow, so he's a scrounger and he's offensive. Charming. You've got yourself a prince amongst men there.

My weight fluctuates, I've been everything from a ten to a sixteen, never once in 28 years has my husband ever called me a fat ugly cow. I can't even imagine a scenario he would be that offensive and we've had some screaming matches.

Your partner sounds like a deeply unpleasant and immature individual.