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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's really cheeky to remove Christmas flowers from the altar for your wedding

433 replies

user1485342611 · 01/01/2018 14:25

A good friend of mine is on the flower team for our local church. They did the altar up beautifully for Christmas. A wedding had been booked in the church for a few days after Christmas and they wanted to remove all the flowers and replace with their own arrangements. It was explained to the B&G that once the Church was decorated for Christmas it had to stay that way until 12th night.

The couple kicked up an almighty fuss and said there was no way they wanted red and white flowers on the altar during their wedding. Then, with no permission, they went into the church, removed all the Christmas arrangements from the altar and left them at the side of the Church. They then replaced them with their own flowers, and brought the flowers away with them after the wedding, leaving the altar (and the steps outside which were also decorated for Christmas) bare.

They told no one what they had done and when it was discovered my friend and her team (all voluntary workers) who had spent hours getting the Church ready for Christmas, then had to give up more of their time restoring the altar to the way it was. They were absolutely furious.

AIBU to think this was unbelievably cheeky and to also not understand why you would get married at Christmas time and then object to the Church being decorated in a Christmassy fashion?

OP posts:
Lweji · 02/01/2018 13:30

To be honest the flowers should have been discussed and agreed with the church beforehand.

I hope you mean that as a criticism of the couple, because as the OP has explained, they were told to contact the flower team when they booked their wedding.

ConferencePear · 02/01/2018 13:30

Some people don't seem to understand how these community things work. The church is not a commercial enterprise. I live in a small village which shares a village hall with the next village. Like the church it is not a commercial enterprise; it is run entirely by volunteers. Anyone can pay to have an event there but you have to abide by the rules one of which is to leave the place as you found it.
OPs church is not asking for anything different from that.

Original poster
user1485342611 · 02/01/2018 13:43

I explained why that wasn't realistic Allthewaves.

OP posts:
Buxbaum · 02/01/2018 13:50

Oh and I got married in a church. Didn’t cost me a penny.

Really? Not even an admin fee?

BackforGood · 02/01/2018 14:19

AlltheWaves - see OP's post at 10:26.
the church tried to, but the B&G didn't communicate with them.

Buxbaum - My church didn't charge me either, when I got married. Don't think they ever do with active Church members.

Nanny0gg · 02/01/2018 14:21

To be honest the flowers should have been discussed and agreed with the church beforehand.

They were. They were told they had to stay.

Cantspell2 · 02/01/2018 14:38

Buxbaum no not a penny. We did give a donation but this was not asked for.
It was a Catholic Church as I am catholic. My husband was not.

GinUser · 02/01/2018 14:40

Yes, absolutely up to the couple to discuss and agree and have some understanding of the church's year etc. Regular churchgoers would be attuned to this.

Babbitywabbit · 02/01/2018 14:43

For heaven’s sake can some people not read? This is what the OP wrote:

user1485342611

“The bride and groom are told, when booking the church, to contact the flower team a certain amount of time in advance to discuss the flowers. In this way, colour schemes can be agreed, the flower team will know if they're required to arrange flowers or if a florist has been hired, brides can be put in touch with each other if their weddings are taking place over the same few days so they can agree on what flowers to choose, the bride and groom can be informed if there are certain requirements for that time of the year (e.g. flowers during lent will have to be provided by the B&G and removed as soon as the ceremony is over) etc etc. It also means that compromises can be arranged e.g. the flowers at Easter can't be completely rearranged but if the bride wants to supply a couple of bunches of her favourite flower they will be added into the existing arrangements by the flower team - things like that.

Most B&Gs do this and that's great. Some don't because they have no interest in the flowers and are happy to go with what's already on the altar, and that's fine.”

The B and G were clearly entitled twats who weren’t sufficiently bothered to discuss the issue within the agreed timescale, but decided they were sufficiently bothered to demand their own arrangements.

I can’t believe some of the comments on here! Even if you hire a venue which is making a profit from you (which wasnt the case here) you still have to agree to conform to certain restrictions. You don’t have an ‘intrinsic right’, as one poster suggested, to do whatever you like.

I think the church should have invoiced the B and G for the flowers and for costs incurred in replacing them.

OVienna · 02/01/2018 15:05

What I find very odd is that a professional florist would have done this. I am trying to think of who, way back in the previous century, arranged the flowers in the church for us but I'm sure it was the florist. It's funny they didn't think it was cheeky as all get out to take the church's flowers down, install their own, but not attempt to put the church's back afterwards. This also sounds like a bride that doesn't live in the area but came back to use a local picturesque church. I am wondering what the couple's link is on an ongoing to the church - 'none' is what I am guessing. But the florist has to think about their local reputation. Can someone on the committee have a word with them?

OVienna · 02/01/2018 15:06

The OP indicates the bride and groom/their family/hangers on arranged the flowers but I can't see how this would be possible on thee day. Who would have had time for that? It must have been the florist.

OVienna · 02/01/2018 15:12

Even getting the key to the church - how'd they get that? Someone must have known what they were doing.

(Best get back to my episode of Columbo.)

MaggieFS · 02/01/2018 15:14

Some churches are unlocked during daylight hours and OP has specifically stated in a post somewhere which I now can't find that it was not a florist. Perhaps it was done immediately after a rehearsal the day before, perhaps some ushers were tasked with doing it in the morning, or friends not in the bridal party who weren't otherwise busy.

OVienna · 02/01/2018 15:20

A long list of potential Cheeky Fuckers indeed!

Fekko · 02/01/2018 16:13

The parish office would have lent them a set so that they could go in before and put up ribbons to set out service sheets etc.

Original poster
user1485342611 · 02/01/2018 16:30

As I said in a previous post our Church is open from 10am every morning until about 5 pm so they presumably went in that morning (the family) and moved the flowers.

OP posts:
LadyFlumpalot · 02/01/2018 16:36

Here is the breakdown of costs for my local church (CofE) when I got married in 2015. Nowhere does it say "flowers" therefore I would not expect to be able to have any say over said flowers.

The "marriage service" fees are for the cost of the service (heating, ministers time, electricity, documents etc) and the rest is broken down.

To think it's really cheeky to remove Christmas flowers from the altar for your wedding
GeorgeTheHamster · 02/01/2018 16:44

They just saw it as a stage set for their Special Day didn't they.

Very disrespectful.

Original poster
user1485342611 · 02/01/2018 16:46

To be honest, I've no idea how they got them down off the higher plinths etc without a step ladder. I presume someone tall stood up on a chair and precariously lifted some of them off. Given that the urns are heavy, they could easily have dropped one, breaking it and possibly injuring themselves.

(I wonder would they have tried to sue the Church if that had happened).

OP posts:
IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 02/01/2018 17:33

It's all very well to say that churches aren't wedding venues, but many behave as if they are. My brother paid about £700 in church fees for his recent wedding - that is not a small donation. I can see why people paying this sort of money feel like customers with purchasing rights. Are you sure that the B&G really only paid a small voluntary donation?
If so then yanbu but if they were paying lots then I think they kind of are buying the right to use the church how they want to.

If churches truly only want genuinely religious people to marry in them, they have to stop taking the money from couples who aren't.
The other side to it is that the church is happy to have a role in state life, sitting in House of Lords for example, so it does feel ours to use as and when we want to. If it doesn't want the obligation maybe it needs to give up the privilege?

Original poster
user1485342611 · 02/01/2018 17:37

The Church are quite happy to provide flowers for weddings Iwanna, but there are a couple of caveats as already outlined.

In this case the couple picked a wedding date during the very small window that the church would be decorated for Christmas and then objected to the Church being done up for Christmas. There are many members of the congregation who contribute to the church regularly through weekly collections and Easter dues. Why should they be deprived of a beautifully decorated Church at Christmas?

OP posts:
Someonessnackbitch · 02/01/2018 17:37

Sorry I can’t read 12 pages so apologise if this has been said.
Decorations, especially plants should not be taken down until the 12th night otherwise it is a sign of bad luck. Not everyone believes in this, which is absolutely ok. But it is a religious belief and if they want to get married in a church then they should have respected this. I would be furious!!!!

BitOutOfPractice · 02/01/2018 17:44

I think this just shows that many couples who get married in church only do so because it's a pretty setting, not because it's significant to them or they are part of the church community

CeciliaBartolli · 02/01/2018 17:48

I think the vicar should have arranged this better in view of a wedding taking place. I do not think I would want a 'blood and bandages' flower scheme at a wedding. As for taking ALL the flowers, well that is a bit crap. I would have left the wedding flowers at least.

Lweji · 02/01/2018 17:56

I think the vicar should have arranged this better in view of a wedding taking place.

Why should a wedding supercede traditional Christmas celebrations that go on for several celebrations and days?