Declining a wedding invite because I'm being a mardy arse

[GrumpyOldBagFace]

AIBU to decline a wedding invite to an old old friend's wedding because I don't give a shit about her nuptials since she hasn't bothered to meet either of my children?

Backstory: she's a old friend and she was one of my bridesmaids 15 years ago. We moved overseas and made every effort to visit her whenever we were in the uk. Had my first child 2 years ago, prem and poorly, moved back to the uk 1 year ago, second child born 6 months ago. She hasn't bothered to see us once since we moved back. If there's any contact it's me initiating. Wedding invite drops through the letter box and a Facebook group to organise the hen do.

I'm not going to a wedding where I don't care about either the bride or groom but is it unreasonable for me to feel like this?

Friendships end, and that's fine. It's not unreasonable to feel that it's time to stop the one way traffic.

She does not sound like a friend more of an acquaintance or a person you were friends with when you were younger.

She's either handing out an olive branch or she's trying to make up the numbers. Either way if your not bothered then don't go, it will only and up costing you money.

YANBU.

This happened to me. Oldest friend never bothered with me once I had DD. Was like she stopped caring when I got pregnant.

Despite not seeing her for about 3 years she sent me a save the date card and then later an invite to her expensive overseas wedding!

Fastest ‘no’ RSVP I’ve ever sent back.

YANBU. I wouldn’t go or bother with her anymore

Yanbu. I’d leave the hen night chat too.

I think she's inviting us because she feels she has to rather than wants us there. If she doesn't invite us it'll make her look bad to our mutual friends? Or maybe she's just making up the numbers.

I'm pissed off that I spent years making the effort to keep in touch and visiting her when we were in the uk. I wish I'd know 10 years ago and then invested more time in friends who give a shit about us too.

people change. particularly when we start having children. i'd forget her and not give her a second thought.

I wouldn't go to the hen do particularly if I hadn't spoken to the bride for a while / didn't know the other people going well. I'd go to the wedding - it might be the thing to kick-start the friendship again if you speak to her there - she didn't have to invite you, particularly if there's been no contact for a while she could easily have let things drop.

Some people just don't have any interest in children until they have their own and then everything changes. I'd avoid any children like the bubonic plague until I had my son and then when I did have him quite a few of my best friends who were single melted away.
She did invite you to her wedding, every invite costs her money so she must want you there.
It depends how much you want to keep the friendship going really.

I agree, decline or it will end up costing you a small fortune. Don’t get sucked into it all.

If you want to go then go but if you don’t then don’t, entirely up to you.
But don’t refuse to go because she hasn’t “met your children”. I have no interest in meeting anyone’s children even though I have 2 of my own.
Having children is an amazing and life changing thing FOR YOU, even if she’s very fond of you it might not be very interesting for her.
One of my oldest friends has a 2 year old I’ve never met. I love my friends to bits and we’ve been mates for 30 years but her child is of no interest to me. I wouldn’t avoid him or anything but it just hasnt happened and we are both ok with that

To play devil's advocate, I guess you don't know everything that's been going on with her over the past year or so. There may be a valid reason why she hasn't visited? People have lots of things going on behind the scenes. Maybe go to the wedding and see how she is with you and if the friendship can be rekindled?

i wouldnt go in those circumstances. No point have someone paying for a place for someone thats not interested, and no reason for you to go to any trouble or expense for someone youve grown apart from.

I also agree with Hopping. A large number of my friends haven't met my 15 month old DS. Some dislike children, some would be polite but not really bothered, some are struggling with infertility/pregnancy loss and it's too painful. It doesn't mean they're bad friends!

I avoid weddings whenever possible, YANBU. Have a nice day with the children.

If you don’t care about either of them, then don’t go, you don’t need to remain friends, but are you just pissed off because she hasn’t paid any interest in your DC ?

I think the point here is that she hasn't bothered to see you.

Even if she can't be arwed with meeting kids, she could ahve made the effort to meet you.

On that basis, I would not to to this wedding. She has salved her conscience by inviting you. Send her an RSVP poloteky declining the invitation and let that be the end of the friendship.

Typos galore.

I wouldn't go but that is because I hate weddings. They are like children, great for the person whose they are but boring for everyone else. I am not the least bit interested in meeting other people's children nor would I expect them to want to meet my two. However, if she is a friend you care about you might want to go. I only go to weddings of closest family and friends.

It's not just that she hasn't met my children, it's the realisation of how one sided this friendship is. Moving back to the uk after so many years overseas while pregnant, with a baby, was lonely and rough. It's made me feel really bitter towards the "friends" we travelled up & down the country for. Now we're back there's a handful of these people that feel like friends... I feel really let down by her friendship.

I wouldn't want anyone that feels the way I do at my own wedding.

I'm probably unreasonable that I thought old friendships would still be there when we moved back... I really wish I hadn't spent so much time and effort attempting to maintain these friendships. Bitter!!

How far away from you does she live? If you want a good day out and enjoy yourself at these things, then take the opportunity to socialise with people you haven't seen for ages and go. Otherwise don't go. But don't not do it because you are projecting something onto your friend that might not even be the case...that's cutting your nose off to spite your face.
Plenty of people with no kids think the friend with small kids is 'too busy' or is not interested in meeting them. Also I find other friends rarely contact or make long journeys to visit friends who have moved, they tend instead to focus on friendships with those immediately around them.

It's 250 miles away from where we live now. 75 miles from my parents' house... And it's in a shit town so it wouldn't even be a nice weekend away.

Told you I'm grumpy and bitter.

I'd feel the same Grumpy and would also decline. Accept that the friendship will be over though.

Plenty of people with no kids think the friend with small kids is 'too busy' or is not interested in meeting them.

^this. I remember feeling exactly the same when some of my friends had babies long before I did.

I have friends who I rarely see more than once or twice a year for a few years straight, then we're in each other's pockets for a bit, then it changes again. Because we are all busy with very different lives, and sometimes live hundreds of miles apart. We still count each other as our very closest friends though, and if things turn to shit we're the ones who are 100% there for each other.