Declining a wedding invite because I'm being a mardy arse

[GrumpyOldBagFace]

AIBU to decline a wedding invite to an old old friend's wedding because I don't give a shit about her nuptials since she hasn't bothered to meet either of my children?

Backstory: she's a old friend and she was one of my bridesmaids 15 years ago. We moved overseas and made every effort to visit her whenever we were in the uk. Had my first child 2 years ago, prem and poorly, moved back to the uk 1 year ago, second child born 6 months ago. She hasn't bothered to see us once since we moved back. If there's any contact it's me initiating. Wedding invite drops through the letter box and a Facebook group to organise the hen do.

I'm not going to a wedding where I don't care about either the bride or groom but is it unreasonable for me to feel like this?

OP

Do you think perhaps you liked her and cherished the relationship more than vice versa? It certainly looks like it on paper.

I agree entirely with Whattowear post

I moved abroad after uni, had DD, got married and divorced and moved home a couple of years ago.

Friends that I had grown up with, who I had always made the effort to visit when I came home and who had come to visit me were suddenly just a 10 minute walk away again and it still took me a good 4/5 months to actually arrange to see them because they were busy with their lives and the social circle they had cultivated with their families/friends in the 10 years I was away and I was busy with "moving back to the UK" admin for a lot of the time - getting moved in to my house, registering everywhere, getting DD into a school etc.

There were other friends that live further away that I used to see at least twice a year because they live in the major city i flew in and out of. So whenever I flew back to the UK in the summer and at Christmas I would arrange with them to do something - even if it was just going to the city the night before i flew back to Spain so we could go out for a meal and i could stay at an airport hotel, it meant we saw each other. Now I am back in the same country we find it hard to arrange something purely because it is so much more flexible - before I had 3/4 dates I was available And we had to make them work as there were no other options. Now when I can hop on a train and see them any weekend I like it is so Mich easier to rearrange I'd something else pops up or gets in the way ... which is why I haven't seen a couple of my friends in about 18 months as we just haven't managed to get chance to get together in person not because we don't want to see each other.

I turn the invite down because you're clearly really pissed off at her. Likely, you'd just feel annoyed at the wedding and that would be pretty rubbish both for you and her.

If there's any contact it's me initiating.

This would be the deciding factor for me. Unless there was a really good reason and/or unless I really got something out of that friendship, if I found that I was the one doing all the initiating, traveling, arranging, etc in order to maintain it I'd probably let that friendship go simply by stopping being the 'initiator'.

If the wedding was an easy 'day trip' I'd go. But if it involved over an hour's drive (one way), an overnight stay, or a hassle with childcare, I'd decline.

It's only 75 miles away from your parents you could stay there. I think you need to let go of the past. You could do this by going to the wedding and remembering the good times or you decline.

Has she invited your DCs?

Would you find the wedding an efficient way to catch up with other mutual friends that you really want to see?

Will it be fun and/or top notch venue?

Could the trip double up to do something else - visit somewhere you want to - see your parents?

Can you afford it ? Do you want to spend money?

If the answer is NO to these - don't bother.
Certainly wouldn't do hen night.

Sometimes it is a hard realisation that we mean less to our friends than we do to them. Seems that she isnt really into you any more?

Having said that you don't know what has been going on in her life behind the scenes. I have had old friendships ebb and flow. Often when people get back in touch after being hard to reach they have been through something traumatic/life-changing that they can only tell you about after the event.

Disagree about holding off on a negative reply if thats what you want to do. It is such a relief to decline and offload the pressure asap not stewing on it for months.

She's not made the effort with you when you made it with her. I don't think it's U to be pissed off about that and think it's no longer a friendship.

I have a similar situation but with the roles reversed. I was bridesmaid for a friend and then I moved away. She had children and I always made the effort to see her when I came back, to fit our social plans around her family time, and did not resent the fact that she didn't come to see me as she had hands full with her family. However, after a while it became clear it was always me initiating contact and making the effort and her considerable socialising energy went into NCT friends and then the PTA circle. So I simply stopped initiating contact and now a few years have rolled by and the friendship has ended. It's just the way life goes.

Apart from not seeing you, how has she been at maintaining the friendship in other ways? Fb contact, texts, emails, birthday cards? Generally showing an interest in you even if it didn't stretch to visiting?

If she hasn't bothered with any of those, then I'd consider that she's let the friendship go, and I wouldn't go to the wedding either.

It's an invitation, not a summons, so politely decline and don't go.

Some people are just crap at keeping in touch. In a year that she’s been wedding planning and you’ve come home, you could well have popped in her head as a “I must drop her a WhatsApp” but then before you know it she’s forgotten again until a few weeks later and they’ve messaged you and you feel a tit. I’m like this, some friends are like, sometimes I get it right too. But we all now we’re there for each other when we need it.

250 miles is a long way to most people, it’s not too you as you’ve come from further but for many that is a once a year road trip and if you have other people to see a long distance in a different direction, chances are it’s longer.

@GrumpyOldBagFace you are not being unreasonable. i think you shouldnt go if you dont want to.

can I ask was the change in behaviour when you moved or when you had your DC1?

I moved from the UK to the US around 15 years ago. Visited my folks back home every christmas and always made time for my friends. One particular very close friend (had been BFs since we were 5) was very rude and would be purposely awkward and not answer my texts or group emails until the last minute (usually once I had arrived back in the UK), by which time all my time was booked up. She would then bitch to our mutual friends that I hadnt bothered seeing her. This was before the days of screen shots so all they had to go on was "she said / he said". I had my DD1 over in the US and, upon returning home for the christening and first christmas visits, I was, once again, ignored. No card/gift/nothing. After about 4 years of being ignored, and her constant sniping to my friends, I turned up at her mums one day and had it out with her. Turns out she was jealous. She said she felt almost as though she was grieving. I was off "living it up", being distracted everyday with my new job, new friends, new house, new city. While she had to go to the same bars, clubs and cafes we used to go to. She felt she had been forgotten and was angry. She had lost her friend. And to make it worse whenever anyone saw her all they did was ask about me. Our mums were friends so she constantly heard about how amazing my life was (of course I wasnt gonna tell my mum about the days I sat homesick, crying in my PJs wishing I was home). My friend said she hated that it was easier for me to just leave as everything was so new and exciting, whereas she felt she had been left in the same job, same town and same life, just without her right arm. We had a big cry together and promised we would both put more effort in. We promised I would visit more and she would spend 2 weeks every Summer with me over there...... and, unfortunately, things didnt get better. We tried but she was just so angry. None of the promises ever happened. I live back in the UK now and have always sent invites to things but the damage is done. I saw her last year, in a coffee shop and she didnt even look at me.

You shouldnt be made to feel bad for moving away and having children and making the most of your life. But maybe she just needs asking if shes ok and feeling like shes needed/involved more.

Unsure if this is similar or maybe something to consider for you, but what you described just reminded me of my situation.

I agree that people have different friendship styles and some are better than others at staying in touch. I like to think I'm fairly good at it, but if I'd axed all my friends who are a bit poor, I would be left feeling I had few friends and I honestly do still think we are friends,mevennif we only see each other every couple of years....our joint history is important to all of us, even if the here and now stops us being together or in contact very often.

Again, your response to this relates to how much you value the past and how much you read nasty motives into people's actions. Friend might just be a bit thoughtless and actually very busy, which isn't the same as deliberately not making an effort. You have been invited to the wedding. If you hadn't, you could well be on here with a different moan.

Her wedding is a big day in her life. If you're feeling iffy about the future of the friendship, I would go to this one, because it keeps the options for the future open. If you don't go, you really will close the future down.

I always think that good friends from the past are worth keeping and not just scrapping on a grumpy feeling. However, some people don't seem to have many friends from the past because they are easily offended and seem to break off friendships and start new short lived ones frequently.

How deep is your bitterness? Can you get over this? Isn't it worth trying?

I invited an old uni friend to our wedding who I hadn't seen in 7 years. She'd recently moved back to a comparatively more accessible part of the country and it did reignite our friendship. Due to distance and busy lives we see eachother most years rather than frequently, but we always enjoy eachother's company when we do catch up.

This friend has put out an invitation to you. It's your choice to go or not. Not going may well be the end of the friendship. Going could re-establish it.

You gain nothing by being bitter about it. We live in a busy world where people are spread out. What really matters with a friendship is the quality of the time together when you do meet up.

I can't really pinpoint when she stopped making any effort back..
I'd always arranged to meet up every holiday except the year I was pregnant with my first and feeling dreadful. She didn't make any effort to come to see me. It was very much "you can't visit me, shame. See you next time you're back".

I guess I expected more from our friendship.

After reading some replies on here I'm less adamant about declining but I'm swaying between "she must've had a really busy year" to "but it's always been me making the effort" to "but it is her wedding" to "fuck it"!

When you visited and couldn’t see her were you 300 miles away?

If you were it’s a huge ask especially as you’re probably seeing other people so she would have to travel and find somewhere to stay for a couple of hours of your time.

Even if not you’re expecting her to have free time that she might not. “Drop everything! I’m back”.

I know when my friends are visiting they normally have a lot to do/see and if they can’t see you you wouldn’t impose on their schedule as you’re not the reason they came back.

The time we visited and had to cancel meeting up I was about 75 miles from her house and about 2 miles from her mum's house (where she spends most weekends)... and I was there for 4 weeks.

I would decline, unless you have:

1. a martyr complex to feed 2)£500 to piss away on an event you don't want to go to
2. a wish to continue this 'friendship'.

It's clear you don't want to go to either the hen do or the wedding, so don't. I wouldn't either.

I'd be the same. Use the money you would have spent on outfits, hotel, petrol and gift on a treat to un-grumpy you.

I think you should politely decline.

Moving back to the uk after so many years overseas while pregnant, with a baby, was lonely and rough. It's made me feel really bitter towards the "friends" we travelled up & down the country for. Now we're back there's a handful of these people that feel like friends... I feel really let down by her friendship

you sound like you have very high expectations of friends so are doomed to be disappointed. People can often switch off from you simply because you expect too much.

Well, I wish they hadn't had such high expectations of us then. Could've saved us 10 years of spending our summer holidays trailing all over the UK to see people who missed us!

I'm disappointed at all the lost opportunities to travel or sit in a hotel resort because we responded to people's requests to visit them.

You sound very angry. Most relationships are one sided to an extent. I agree with the person who said you are just hurting yourself.

I think bitter rather than angry.