Declining a wedding invite because I'm being a mardy arse

[GrumpyOldBagFace]

AIBU to decline a wedding invite to an old old friend's wedding because I don't give a shit about her nuptials since she hasn't bothered to meet either of my children?

Backstory: she's a old friend and she was one of my bridesmaids 15 years ago. We moved overseas and made every effort to visit her whenever we were in the uk. Had my first child 2 years ago, prem and poorly, moved back to the uk 1 year ago, second child born 6 months ago. She hasn't bothered to see us once since we moved back. If there's any contact it's me initiating. Wedding invite drops through the letter box and a Facebook group to organise the hen do.

I'm not going to a wedding where I don't care about either the bride or groom but is it unreasonable for me to feel like this?

I also moved 'home' after years away and actually I think you're being quite unreasonable.

It took us about 18 months to figure out where we fitted in socially. Assuming people who will make an effort to see you once or twice a year when you come home will magically turn into people who see you every weekend is risky- people have built up their own social circles while you were away. Lives have changed. It sounds like you're putting a lot of bitterness at her door when in reality, moving back after years abroad is difficult and you're not going to slot back in the way you imagined.

There are friends I used to see twice a year when I came home who I've seen once since we moved back two years ago- they know they can see me whenever now so there's not the same urgency, and people are busy.

You say she hasn't seen your children, by has she seen you? I would go to the hen and see how you feel about it- if she's happy to get to hang out with you, and you have fun, go to the wedding.

I know it's hard but when you move away/back then the onus is on you to visit people and to make the effort, and I've learnt the hard way it takes a few years to really understand your place in everything again.

So she lives 250 miles away and you are miffed because she hasn’t been to see you in the year you’ve been back in the UK and hasn’t shown enough interest in your children? Keeping in touch can be difficult and a year without contact can go by incredibly quickly. I think she is trying to make amends by inviting you to her wedding. She didn’t have to.

Grumpy - I can understand that a lot more. It sucks. I moved from London to the other end of the country. I spent the first few years regularly going back down to London to see friends who were "desperate" to see me. Only one of those friends has travelled up to see me (and it was only once, when her boyfriend wanted to see a football match in a nearby town). They all claim it's too far to travel or too expensive (errr you earn significantly more than me and it costs me more to come to London as I need to stay in a hotel, as very few people in London have spare rooms!). Sadly, moving away really makes you see how one-sided many friendships are . I'm sorry your "friends" have been so rubbish.

YANBU to feel this way. Send her a card, and wish her well, but say you won't be attending. No need to explain why.

I am sure she's not doing anything deliberately, but there is no reason why you need to put up with this shit.

Kids or no kids, there are more ways than ever of keeping touch these days. I have moved abroad and haven't seen one friend in years. Her DH is is very ill and she has a busy job. She lives the opposite end of the country to my elderly mother I visit, yet we messenger every day, sometimes several times a day. We phone each other on what's app etc. She is still a close friend.

It sounds as though you put the effort in and it wasn't reciprocated, its sad but in relationship talk 'hey, its not you, it's her'

As she was your bridesmaid, she probably feels she should invite you. Children or no children and I agree with the others, your kids are fascinating to you. Not everyone is a baby person. But she hasn't bothered to stay in touch with YOU. Send a sorry we are unable to attend card/note, you don't have to go into specifics. Send a congratulations card nearer the date. You can decline and do it gracefully.

This exact same thing happened to me, all offers to come and meet DS (one hour away by train) declined, then an invite to her wedding 3 days before Christmas at the other end of the country. I sent a polite sorry can't make it, then got a shitty Facebook message about how I've changed and cared more about my family than her (well, yes...) and blocked! I'm still not sorry I didn't go though

You sound a bit bitter. Loads of my friends I don’t see or speak to for months or years on end. I would definitely go to their weddings. And no, I would not expect them to know or understand the importance of expressing an interest in my children if they don’t have their own.

She’s invited you to her wedding. That’s a big deal, there will have been other people she could have invited. At least be charming in your reply that you don’t want to go.

I'm with Hopping, I really wouldn't expect someone to be desperate to meet my children. Also I can see that it's difficult to keep up with someone who lives 250 miles away, and she's probably been pretty fully occupied with the run up to the wedding etc.

Don't go if you don't want to, but don't necessarily write off this friendship. I still see someone I shared a flat with 20 years ago who now lives 200 miles away - our contact is incredibly sporadic, limited to Christmas cards and meeting up if either of us happens to be in the area where the other lives - which means that years can slip by without us meeting, but when we do we really enjoy catching up.

You see, some people see it as an honor that she invited you. She paid for the invitation, she will pay for your attendance.

I’m more cynical about these things. I’m foreseeing you will have to chip in for an expensive hen do. They’ll be a request for a cash gift, maybe even you’ll have to stay at their pre-booked accommodation.

Weddings these days are so expensive to attend. If she wants to rekindle the friendship there are many other ways to do so.

Surely you would have been equally as pissed (or even more!) if she hadn’t had invited you?

It's 250 miles away! She's not just hopping in a car to the next village. My parents are that far away and I don't see them more than twice a year generally.

I wouldn't visit someone without a specific reason/invite with a young baby as a lot of people don't really want the hassle of visitors with a young baby around.

I'm not sure exactly what you expected from her. Have you offered to meet half way/come to her? Maybe she can't stand babies, maybe they've been ttc and she can't cope with seeing someone else's.
It does slightly come across as you expected all your mutual friends to be so delighted that you've come back to the UK that they're visiting regularly. The reality is that they have their own lives. They have commitments, other people to see etc.

I wouldn't go in your situation. But if you have mutual friends I'd try to let the friendship slide without any actual confrontations and angst.
If I couldn't think of a decent excuse to decline it now, I'd probably accept at this point then decline nearer the time for a plausible excuse- obviously not so close that they will lose money. Normally you have to confirm numbers a few weeks before I think.

I'd go, but then I like weddings. Skip the hen do though. Never really seen the point of them tbh.

Seriously though, if you don't want to go - don't. It's an invitation, not a summons.

I would decline politely and send a nice gift.

Your lives have moved on. It’s ok for your to be angry but don’t burn bridges.

I was about to say something similar to Witchend, except I think the children thing is probably a red herring. Your return to the UK, while momentous for you, isn't something most people will have marked in red on their calendars however much they like you. She broadly speaking knows you're back, and she knows you made efforts to see her, but she hasn't updated her mental map of how your friendship works. From a position of having to make no effort at all to see you before, 250 miles is a long way and a year isn't a very long time (esp as that includes a newborn, I would wait to be asked for that period).

You had expectations around your return which you didn't communicate, and I see why, and I also see why they haven't been picked up on. YANBU to just not go if you don't want to and drop the whole thing, but I think if you explain your disappointment and get her to see it from your point of view there's no reason why you shouldn't get a good response.

I think you shouldn't go, Grumpy and you're fully justified in that decision. You already feel regretful for the effort that you've put into this friendship and if you make this effort for her wedding as well, I think you'll regret it for a long time.

Cut her off now. Reply or don't, but don't go and don't give it anymore headspace.

I regret asking my-best-friend-at-the-time to be a witness at my wedding. It was fine on the day but I really regret having her there at all.

So many 'regrets' in this post, sorry. It's just the best word I can think of to sum it up.

Don't go. You'll feel better.

That, "It's an invitation, not a summons" thing gets right up my nose and someone always bleats it out on these threads (sorry, Jaxhog, this isn't aimed at you really). It's not a smart remark, it's quite a stupid one really because there's obligation and feelings of "I should really" and "It will cause a scene if I don't". Defying a summons would get you a bit of time in clink perhaps but then it would be over. Obligation is more difficult to get over because relationships (and inter-twining ones) are just not straightforward.

No its not unreasonable. She doesn't give a shit about your children, so why should you give a shit about her wedding.

I think she's probably only sent you the invitation because you are such an old, old friend. I doubt it will worry her too much if you don't go, seeing as how little effort she has made to see you since you've been back in the UK.

Just send back the decline and let the whole thing go.

Don't go, and no sending a nice gift, either. Just move on.

Any excuse to get out of going to a wedding is fine in my book.

I detest weddings.

I would go, for old times sake. Probably wouldn't bother with hen night though.
Yes, friendships change, but personally I treasure the memories of old friendships even if things have moved on a lot. Weddings and a milestone in people's lives, so I like to make the effort, even if things have been a bit one sided. You have been invited - in itself, that is an effort from her.

Likewise, I would hope that when the time comes, I will make the effort to go the people's funerals, even if our friendship was years ago and hasn't been well developed in recent years or decades.

Question is, do you want to get over the bitterness you feel? Do you want to remember this friendship which was great once and hope there can be something of a friendship in future, even if it's different to how it used to be? Are you someone whose friendships have to be in the now to count or does the past matter a lot to you?

If you don't go because of bitterness and particularly if you make it obvious why you aren't going, then the friendship will definitely be over. Most people on here seem to advise that.....but for me, friendships are precious and I would only do what you are suggesting after very serious and on going let downs. Go for old times sake...but try to go graciously, not bitterly or you won't enjoy it.

The last wedding I managed to escape was my nephews.

OH told my sister in law I was going through a biting phase.

A tiny step too far.

If she hasn’t bothered to visit you, I would hazard a guess that she’s only inviting you for old times sake and perhaps sense of obligation because she was your bridesmaid.

I doubt she’ll be bothered if you come. And you don’t want to go. So just decline and move on.

Of course I'm miffed she hasn't been bothered to meet up. I spent every summer for the last 10 years coming to the uk to maintain friendships and travelled much further than 250 miles while we were here. It's not like it's been easy for me to travel much this year with a 1 year old and being pregnant/newborn baby.

I haven't expected anyone to mark their calendars with glitter and stars and welcome us home with bunting and street parties but as a PP said, there's a million ways to keep in touch these days and she hasn't bothered. Or as other friends who have found it difficult to travel have done, come to my parents' house when we've been there.

I'm miffed that we didn't just spend our summers travelling to different places or only seeing the friends who are actual friends.