Is my friend over tidy or am I a MF (messy fucker)?

[holdthepressitsmummers]

NC for this just in case.

So we have a ds who's 4. Friends have ds 4 and ds 2.5. We all hang out together a lot.

Friend is always super tidy. Kids have very few toys (fine btw, ds has too much and I'm in the process of paring down) and they are organised impeccably. (I also like to keep ds's toys very organised, not a problem.)

But when we go to play, even if there are other kids there too, only one toy is allowed to be out at once. If the kids want to get another toy out they all need to put the toy that's put away first. I agree with this to an extent. If ds tips a bunch of stuff out or get his marble maze out or whatever he's not just allowed to tear through toys until everything is out.

If they ever ask to get puzzles or duplo etc out they get told it just for special times and is too much mess.

It puts me on edge the whole bloody time because she stomps around morning about how things aren't in their right place.

Last time we were there she told dh off for eating take away on the sofa (they have open plan living room kitchen diner thing.) Dh was really embarrassed and annoyed. He's an adult he doesn't tend to spill his food. (Unless drunk .)

I was saying how ds got a load of Lego fro Christmas and she said 'oh we'll never be letting the kids get Lego, it's way too much mess to tidy up.'

She also won't let them do any painting or arts and crafts at home apart from pencil drawing. Because 'my furniture is too nice for stuff like that.' Obviously I'd love to ban painting and such too as it is a massive sodding mess but they need to do stuff like this no?

Is this how most people do things? I thought I was pretty uptight about tidiness and cleanliness as I've suffer from OCD and anxiety at times and have battled to lighten up on the mess ds and dh make and see them as normal life rather than getting me in to a downwards spiral of organising and cleaning.

I'll make ds clean up a little as he goes along in the day and tidy toys away at the end. Have I let go too much?!

I used to be like this with DS1, I was obsessed with cleaning and tidying and being germ free. I was also profoundly unwell with OCD (brought on by DS1 having sepsis very young) anxiety and depression.

I’m still very houseproud and do a LOT of cleaning and tidying, but I’m more relaxed around the bairns (3 of them now) playing and making mess and then tidying later.

Laptrays made me laugh.

In our old home we had a huge dining table (10 seater),now we don't have the room. So food is eaten on the sofa, we have laptrays, but normally someone just grabs a cushion! I'm so common.......

They all eat a staple diet of ready meals and Maccy D's, most smoke (in the house), think buying long lasting wooden toys is a silly wast of money and we were raised on 8 hours of tv a day whereas I try to limit ds. Still breastfeeding ds at age 4, only eat humanly raised organic meat, they think I'm a right crazy, uppity twat.

That’s... ok. No, DH’s family (born and raised in the U.K.) aren’t like that.

But I’m not breastfeeding at age 4 (I’ve actually never met someone IRL doing that... I didn’t like breastfeeding but I’d love to talk to them).

No, DH’s family used to think (still think?) that I’m an insane, violent maniac and possibly a sexually deviant / cheating on DH.

One of the issues was that MIL and I honestly didn’t get each other’s social cues...

Ok. What’s wrong with lap trays? I was sure that they do indeed exist... I’ll have to google them.

Your way sounds much more relaxed and normal. Not being allowed to paint or play with Lego at home sounds a bit joyless. Isn't that supposed to be what childhood's all about?

When you become a parent you have to let some things go a bit or you may as well live in a show home or a museum. Not fun.

Buying clothes from eBay is a great idea, btw,

Buying ethically produced clothes is super difficult... but I need to try them on. Maybe for DDs?

Good idea. Thanks :)

Although breastfeeding at 4 is unusual even for here. Nobody really knows i do it as I hide it like a guilty secret.

No child should be tipping up boxes of stuff on floors and wandering off. Why not? They may come back to it 10 minutes later. If not, then ask them to tidy up. But to say they can't get their toys out of the toy box in the first place? That is very restricting.

This is the third thread today I've read about people trying to limit what their kids do to prevent mess. It's really making me feel better as I was just having a look round the house in a pre New year I should do some cleaning mood. I'm naturally messy and a bit lazy and my house normally just scrapes through on the side of not an episode of how clean is your house/hoarders. I need a couple of days warning to be relatively happy about visitors I don't know well. Honestly I do feel bad about it most of the time.
The upside of is I am pretty relaxed about dds mess and toys and she has always been allowed to do lots of arts and crafts. She's really enjoyed this and its allowed her natural talent to shine. At 13 she has turned into quite a good artist already, and is thinking of going into a career in art and design. It's also made it a lot easier having a dog as I can normally just overlook a bit of dog hair and mud.
Obviously it's really about finding a balance that's right for you but it's nice for me to think there are some positives to being on the messy side.

I think it's good you recognise that a show home isn't ideal for children. I have a few friends with immaculate houses and gardens. Their children don't seem to play with toys at home. They have tv and tablets and time-tabled regular extra curricular activities. Even the teddy's get arranged by one mum around the children's bedrooms. I did try to say something a few years ago but was a bit tactless maybe and it didn't go down too well.

Everything gets photoed and it's all about posing for them rather than enjoying the occasion itself. One of them gives away/bins presents she thinks aren't suitable and is constantly going through her children's bedroom and throwing out their things which I think is just wrong.

I've got another friend who's house is like a bomb site; so I do see the need for balance.

I’d be livid if someone ate food on my sofa. I teach my kids to eat at the dinner table and I think it's rude to assume that its ok in someone else's house to sit on a sofa and eat a meal without asking.

Even if you regularly went over there and sat on the sofa with the homeowner, enjoying a takeaway together?

nancy

I wouldn’t be livid but I’d still tell them to please not eat on the sofa...

I’d obviously ‘stick’ to their rules when I went over there. But I’d also expect them to not be annoyed when our rules are somewhat different...

I hate the one toy rule. I know some people as well who only allow 3 or 4 toys to play with (although only one out at a time) and rotate them every month. I feel really uneasy in houses like that. Mine had loads of toys everywhere and many a time I walked barefoot on Lego but looking back they were great days.

I know of someone who was surprised that our Lego bricks were not separated according to colour. According to her it was messy and disorganized to have them in one box

Always remember the best bit of advice MIL gave me one day, as I was having a panic over the mess in the house:
'Darling, you live in a home, not a house. A home has dust, a home has toys, a home has shoes cluttering the hallway. Spend your time enjoying your children and your home. Then just do a quick pick up before bed!'

(Only bit of advice I ever actually listened too!)