How to learn from this please?

[WellAlwaysHaveParis]

I think I'm just about over this - it's really upset me. (I've got another thread on this that I started a couple of days ago).

I started seeing a guy from Tinder earlier this month. We chatted a bit on Tinder then met up in person. I had a really nice evening, and I got the impression that he did too. We were chatting, laughing with each other and it really seemed that we were both enjoying it. He seemed like a really nice, sweet guy.

After seeing him then, we carried on chatting by text. We arranged a second date for a week or so later. When the day of the date came, I cancelled fairly last-minute (around a couple of hours before the evening, although we hadn't yet picked a specific time or place to meet), as I'd had an awful day. I apologised to him, and suggested we meet another time. He agreed, and was really nice about it.

We continued texting, and he asked around the 23rd if I'd be free to do something with him yesterday, as it was his day off. I said I was free, and that I'd like to do something. I texted him on the 28th to confirm, but never got a reply. I then just sent a quick message this morning just to ask if he fancied meeting up next week. He's checked his messages but hasn't replied.

AIBU to feel really hurt? It really upset me that we went from chatting and enjoying each others' company to absolute radio silence from him. This might sound utterly pathetic, but I'm finding it really hard to move on. We just seemed to be exactly on the same wavelength, but clearly we didn't want the same things or maybe he just got bored. I just feel really down and hurt.

I actually don’t think you do have anything to learn from it. He’s not the right guy for you. You didn’t do anything wrong, it just didn’t work out.

Honestly, when I was single, I had that same experience with most guys I dated. Sure we had fun but then one of us wouldn’t continue things. It’s just what happens when you’re dating. When you meet the right person you (hopefully) won’t even have to worry about who’s contacting who as you’ll both be just as keen on each other.

Don't take it personally. The truth is he probably had other eggs in his basket and has had his head turned another way.

I'm a believer in fate, perhaps it really wasn't meant to be.

My dating days are behind me but tbh if someone cancelled on me last minute I'd expect something serious and urgent to have come up rather than them just deciding they don't fancy it after a hard day. He presumably kept his evening free and may have turned other stuff down for you to decide you couldn't be bothered. I would imagine he want quite as ok about it as he sounded.
He probably doesn't want to prioritise arrangements with you now in case you flake again at the last minute and may have been using you as a back up in case other plans didn't come off. Of course it would be polite of him to reply but I think your ship has sailed with this one.
In future if you like someone a lot then unless it's completely unavoidable I would turn up to the date. Especially a first date.

Lots to learn from this.......
For what it's worth, I had several experiences like this when I was dating.

A few things I learnt over time were:

• it often appeared as though someone I had met over the Internet was on the same wavelength as me after online/phone conversations and one or two dates. However, it took several weeks and several meetings face to face to be sure. I learnt over time not to fall for people straight away or to think that I had met someone who was exactly on my wavelength after just one or two dates. Instead, I learnt to pace myself and my enthusiasm and reserve judgement until I really got to know them.
• I realised that many people who meet on Tinder/internet dating, are often chatting to/ dating more than one person at a time and if I didn't get a reply to a message I sent, it generally meant that they liked me but liked someone else better. It wasn't that I'd done anything/said anything wrong necessarily......they were just exploring other options.
• if someone really wanted to form a relationship with me, they would not only answer my texts/emails but also find excuses to call me.

I had several years of real heartache because I couldn't understand what I was "doing wrong". Then the penny dropped. I started taking things slowly, even when my dates wanted to rush things and declare undying love. I wasn't withholding. I just needed time to really see if we were on the same wavelength. If dates didn't reply to a text, I didn't persue it. I just assumed that they had had an offer they found more appealing (their loss). Within a few months of "the penny dropping", I met my now husband. I don't think it was an accident that I met him when I did. I think that the relationship developed and thrived because I was really clear headed about what I wanted from a relationship and my determination to get to know him over a period of time.

I hope that I don't come across as trying to give you advice......just telling you what I personally learnt from the often turbulent world of Internet dating 😱

Good luck OP 💐❤️

Thanks everyone. I just want to apologise to him for that date again and to rewind everything. I really want to reconsider it all. But I know that's just stupid wishful thinking on my part. I feel so down and hacked off :(

Agree with lxiepixie

And here is another way of looking at it.

I texted him on the 28th to confirm, but never got a reply.
If a casual acquaintance texted you would you take over 48 hours to respond????
And would you take over 48hours to respond to him?
I suspect the answer is no...

Do not apologise again. his behaviour is really rude and thoughtless - he’s left you hanging.
if he liked you he’d be falling over himself for a second date and wouldn’t care at all you’d cancelled... I’d block and move on.

I know it disheartening but really don’t text him again.
Tinder is a minefield but there are some good eggs out there...

He was probably feeling shit when you cancelled two hours before. So he can't be arsed as he's thinking you will probably cancel again.

👻 he did a ghost

Maybe over Christmas he saw and ex/friend/random hook up and is pursuing that but was too cowardice to say anything.

But you went one 1 date. You e only seen very selected highlights of him. I bet he picks his nose and eats it. I bet he likes to have sex dressed as a baby. I bet he kissed his sister. Does any of that help?

Don’t worry, dust yourself off and see what the new year brings!

Thanks everyone. That's a really good point about him not feeling great when I cancelled at the last minute. I felt really bad about that. I wish I could turn back time and not have that happen, but obviously that's not possible.

This sounds pathetic, but I'm still thinking about him. He was my first Tinder date, and I just had such a good feeling about it all. It didn't help that I didn't want to say anything about it to family members, and wanted to keep it a secret, but when I did tell them, one of my family said that they had a really good feeling about it :( He was so nice and funny and sweet. I know that clearly I invested a lot in that date, as I can't stop thinking about him, but it seems like he did too. I actually imagined a future with him ffs.

I keep on hoping he'll text, but I know it won't happen now. I sent him a WhatsApp message yesterday, but he saw it and never replied. I'm sure he won't reply now. It's so painful being rejected without a reason. I gave him a chance to meet up next week, which he didn't take.

For a couple of days ago, I've wanted to write him a message telling him why I'm so upset. I know that's a stupid idea, but I just want to make him understand that he's really hurt me.

I'm trying to look for other people on Tinder, but my heart's not in it. I know it sounds stupid and dumb, but a big part of it was that he was French. I really want to find someone else like him, but I know that's silly and impossible.

*for a couple of days now

Bumping.

I can understand you feel hurt but I really think you are over-invested in this - probably romanticising the situation to cover your own guilt.

You chatted, you had a good date but you gave a very flimsy excuse to cancel at very last-minute. That probably hurt his ego but also made him feel you weren’t that keen on him after all and were making excuses. It’s pretty flaky.

If you’d only had one date, he was probably still chatting to others and perhaps wants to invest his time and energy in someone less flaky?
Just chalk it up to experience.

Had quite a few of similar experiences when I was online dating years ago, three times that I can think of! The first one did bother to come back to say that he was back with his ex (we'd had three dates), the second also replied after I said it would be the nice thing to do to say that he'd realised that we probably wasn't looking for the same things (despite his going on and on about how much we had in common), and the third decided made the mistake to sent me a text that was clearly meant to some other girl after we'd been on three dates too! I didn't bother replying when he did text me with some stupid excuse.

I was about to give up on the whole thing getting really fed up with it when I got a lovely message on boxing day 9 years ago. We emailed, talked a couple of times and agreed to meet 2 weeks later. I almost cancelled as wasn't well, his picture was awful, felt really negative, assumed I wouldn't find him attractive, it was cold and just wanted to stay at home, but I did, and it was love at first sight. I went home dreading he wouldn't feel the same but he did. I then spent the next weeks waiting for him to come up with excuses why he didn't want to see me again but it never came. We will be celebrating our 9 years together in a few days, married 4 years.

Don't give up, but accept that it might take quite a few -bad- experiences before you meet the one and it might happen when you expect it the least.

I agree you're overinvested. You had one date via an app used for casual dating. Then you missed your window. It hasn't worked out. Sorry.

In the kindest way while it’s okay to be sad about this for a day or two you need to toughen up.

Tinder is pretty brutal - I was on it for about two years(!?)
Men frequently treat it like a candy shop, guys who don’t want relationships also use it (and you) to meet some of their relationship needs. And I mean emotional as well as sexual needs which can lead to all manner of headwrecking for women.

What I can say having left it behind me now is when you meet the right person it’s easy and effortless.
My boyfriend and I had all manner of cancelling /reschedulings when we first met - due to one miscommunication he ended up waiting for me for half an hour at the wrong station on about date 5!? But he didn’t care and I didn’t care and it didn’t matter because we both liked each other

You come across as having a mindset where if you are perfect enough / do everything right it will work. The fact is he (for whatever reason) isn’t interested enough....

Please stop fixating on apologising!!!! Last minute cancelling while annoying is really not crime of the century and if you stay on tinder you will see it happens alllll the time. It happened to me frequently I’d just go to the gym that night instead...!
saying sorry and proposing an alternate time is really all you need to do. If the other person can’t accept that then that would be a red flag for me.

Should I just send him a quick message now saying that I'm sorry again for cancelling last minute for that date and asking if we can give it another chance? I feel so bad.

No

Oh dear, well for one, do not cancel at the last minute unless it really is a dire emergency. Second, do not get so over inverted in one date!

I really want to see him again.

You're coming across as desperate. This is not something people look for in a partner

No. You must leave him alone. He won't reply and will block your number.

It didn't work out. You need a thick skin to do online dating. Your relative saying they had a good feeling about it is nonsense and romancising the whole thing.

Yes I suppose I am lurking. I just really would like to see him again.

Should I apologise for cancelling that other date at the last minute?

You've messaged him twice. He hasn't responded to either message. Just leave it or you'll look desperate or a psycho. He's had his chance and if he wanted to see you again, he would contact you. You deserve better - someone who is as keen to see you as you are to see him. That isn't this bloke.