Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to learn from this please?

108 replies

WellAlwaysHaveParis · 30/12/2017 22:01

I think I'm just about over this - it's really upset me. (I've got another thread on this that I started a couple of days ago).

I started seeing a guy from Tinder earlier this month. We chatted a bit on Tinder then met up in person. I had a really nice evening, and I got the impression that he did too. We were chatting, laughing with each other and it really seemed that we were both enjoying it. He seemed like a really nice, sweet guy.

After seeing him then, we carried on chatting by text. We arranged a second date for a week or so later. When the day of the date came, I cancelled fairly last-minute (around a couple of hours before the evening, although we hadn't yet picked a specific time or place to meet), as I'd had an awful day. I apologised to him, and suggested we meet another time. He agreed, and was really nice about it.

We continued texting, and he asked around the 23rd if I'd be free to do something with him yesterday, as it was his day off. I said I was free, and that I'd like to do something. I texted him on the 28th to confirm, but never got a reply. I then just sent a quick message this morning just to ask if he fancied meeting up next week. He's checked his messages but hasn't replied.

AIBU to feel really hurt? It really upset me that we went from chatting and enjoying each others' company to absolute radio silence from him. This might sound utterly pathetic, but I'm finding it really hard to move on. We just seemed to be exactly on the same wavelength, but clearly we didn't want the same things or maybe he just got bored. I just feel really down and hurt.

OP posts:
HighwayDragon1 · 31/12/2017 13:21

I thought tinder was for casual hook-ups, not those seeking a relationship? Maybe you'd be better on POF

Original poster
WellAlwaysHaveParis · 31/12/2017 13:34

I think I'm also worried that I'll never meet anyone right for me. It feels shit to be rejected.

OP posts:
Original poster
WellAlwaysHaveParis · 31/12/2017 13:34

I understand that he wasn't right for me. I just hope I do meet someone. It is quite hard to meet people now, isn't it?

OP posts:
CurryWorst · 31/12/2017 13:36

Your mistake is seeing it as a rejection at all. You were not in a relationship. You did not get dumped. You merely did not have a second date. Nobody was rejected.

Zarathrustra · 31/12/2017 13:38

Don’t cancel at the last minute next time then?

MiddleClassProblem · 31/12/2017 13:45

I know several couples who met on tinder. It’s not just for hook ups but you do have to wade through the people just looking for hook ups.

You have zero evidence that you won’t meet someone. This guy met you. You wanted a second date with you. It not working out didn’t mean he wasn’t attracted to you. It does show you you’re a good date.

CremeFresh · 31/12/2017 13:46

I think you should do what you need to do ( I personally would have a bit more respect for myself though), in order to put this to bed and really learn a lesson , just so you can feel that you really have tried.

HungerOfThePine · 31/12/2017 13:48

It was a successful first date op but it doesn't mean the 2nd and 3rd would have continued being successful, as you don't actually know the person it takes time to fully know their character or even get a wiff of it during dates which could put you off, unless you are the type to overlook them which is never a good thing.

Let it go op, if he wanted that 2nd date he would have replied but he was already against it and it could be for any reason or no reason at all. Online dating is fickle and it's best to not give too much or be so open so early on the dating scene.

I agree you don't go online dating to be friends with people, I've been online dating on and off for yrs and it's water off a ducks back for me if I never hear from someone again, I don't take it personally and forget all about them,Next!

wednesdayswench · 31/12/2017 13:55

I think with tinder you have to assume people are talking to and seeing more than just you, until you have a conversation deciding to be exclusive and then coming off tinder.

If you liked him so much why did you cancel?

Original poster
WellAlwaysHaveParis · 31/12/2017 13:57

Thanks everyone. I agree that I need a thicker skin and more confidence in myself! I'm new to online dating (the date with him was my first online date) so I've got a lot to learn!

OP posts:
Original poster
WellAlwaysHaveParis · 31/12/2017 13:59

wednesdayswench I cancelled because I was feeling really tired that day and I'd just been rejected from a job after an interview. I was feeling really sad and fragile. I'm also living with relatives at the moment, and hadn't told them about the first date with him. The night that I was supposed to meet him, one of my relatives phoned as they were leaving work to ask if we should just have a quiet night in and a takeaway. I didn't want to let them know about this date, so just agreed to the night in Blush I know I need a backbone!

OP posts:
Melamine · 31/12/2017 14:00

I met my other half on a dating app (pre Tinder) & we’ve been together 5 years so it does work, BUT you really do have to develop a thicker skin or you’ll just be miserable. All too often you think you’ve really made a connection on a date & just can’t understand when they go radio silence. Seen it happen to too many friends to count, too! It’s not personal, it’s just how internet dating is. It wasn’t meant to be!

The very best solution is to get back on it and meet a few more people, which is what he will have done when you cancelled on him. I bet he will come out of the woodwork once you’ve met someone else you like & forgotten him. 😉 Good luck!

trojanpony · 31/12/2017 14:47

🤦🏻‍♀️

It’s not about needing a backbone...even if you had gone on that date there is no guarantee there would have been a third....and if he actually wanted a second date you’d be on one

You need a thicker skin BUT you also need to:
stop chasing men /what’s app obsessing

stop over-investing

The only type of guy that is going to respond well to the frantic repeated falling over yourself apologies you have sent are going to be the kind of guys who are abusive arseholes.

You have identified you aren’t in a good place - I’d strongly consider working on yourself before going on more dates

FWIW I think this is a common problem I found multi-dating allieviated this issue for me as you get less invested in one person too quickly.

Good luck Flowers

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 31/12/2017 15:31

You don't know him so can't pine for someone you no nothing about, yes maybe if you had been arsed with the second date he could have been the love of your life, but then maybe he could have been a dick.
You made a big mistake cancelling on him if you liked him so much being tired isn't really a great excuse for a second date at least!

The damage is done now you can't blame him it is actually all down to you...at least you know for next time.

Original poster
WellAlwaysHaveParis · 31/12/2017 16:04

The damage is done now you can't blame him it is actually all down to you...at least you know for next time.

Sorry Lola - how is it all down to me?

OP posts:
underthebluemoon · 31/12/2017 16:28

I think the pp is referring to you cancelling and then trying to over-apologise to him. But you are taking even that small comment personally. You need to step back and not take things too personally.

Spend some time reading the relationship board here. There is a long running OLD thread you could join for tips. It would be good for you to develop more awareness and perspective about the OLD culture.

Worriedrose · 31/12/2017 16:52

It is totally fine to cancel
Once.
5 times no. Cancelling is nothing to do with this, and if it has for him
Then he's got some serious fucking issues!

1moremum · 31/12/2017 17:06

Surely you apologised when you cancelled? Thats enough apologising.

He has either had some dire thing come up and will turn up soon apologising to you. Or he has simply written you off. Dont keep begging for his attention.

Maybe, in a week or two, you might send him a short and not at all apologetic message saying 'it's too bad our attempts at a second meet up havent worked out. Are you up for one more try? '

Expect no reply and delete him from your contacts after another week.

If he does reply, do not cancel unless a&e is involved, and even then, suggest 'coffee next tuesday' or something similiarly minimal as a replacement so he doesnt feel like you are playing games.

Solly76 · 31/12/2017 17:33

Cancelling is fine, for whatever reason. But in the early days it can look really flakey. Him seeing in that way does not mean he has issues or potential to be unreasonable.

Chalk it up to experience and try not to cancel dates you like unless necessary.

I really don't think you should contact him again. If there is a genuine reason why he's not replied then he will get in contact.

Solly76 · 31/12/2017 17:34

But of course that's just my opinion. If you really want to then try one last time but if he doesn't respond to that then definitely leave it alone.

Carriecakes80 · 01/01/2018 00:15

noooo, leave him be! Honestly, you will come across as really desperate, and he has been just as rude, if not more so. Plus, he might have been grateful you cancelled, as I cancelled three times on my date once, I had two young children and babysitters kept letting me down, and each time was at the last minute, it was unreal, but here we are, married for twelve years with two more children to the mix. When its right, you don't need to apologise for flaking, because you like each other so much, you'll over look it. If you apologise now after a complete silence, he will get annoyed I reckon, because you have messaged him, he has seen, he hasn;t replied, and I am so sorry to sound brutal, but this means that he really isn't interested.
Let this go, chalk it up, you haven't done anything bad, but you deserve to be with someone who will respect you enough to at least reply to you. xxxx

Original poster
WellAlwaysHaveParis · 02/01/2018 19:19

Sod's bloody law. I'm totally over him. And guess what? He's just messaged, asking me how I am and saying happy new year.

OP posts:
Original poster
WellAlwaysHaveParis · 02/01/2018 19:20

Thanks sooo much everyone for your help and advice! You're legends :)

OP posts:
CorbynsBumFlannel · 02/01/2018 19:21

Well that developed fast from being utterly obsessed with to totally over in 2 days!

Original poster
WellAlwaysHaveParis · 02/01/2018 19:30

Maybe Corbyn. It just felt quite intense, and it's the first time I've tried online dating, so I felt quite emotional about it.

OP posts: