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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to learn from this please?

108 replies

WellAlwaysHaveParis · 30/12/2017 22:01

I think I'm just about over this - it's really upset me. (I've got another thread on this that I started a couple of days ago).

I started seeing a guy from Tinder earlier this month. We chatted a bit on Tinder then met up in person. I had a really nice evening, and I got the impression that he did too. We were chatting, laughing with each other and it really seemed that we were both enjoying it. He seemed like a really nice, sweet guy.

After seeing him then, we carried on chatting by text. We arranged a second date for a week or so later. When the day of the date came, I cancelled fairly last-minute (around a couple of hours before the evening, although we hadn't yet picked a specific time or place to meet), as I'd had an awful day. I apologised to him, and suggested we meet another time. He agreed, and was really nice about it.

We continued texting, and he asked around the 23rd if I'd be free to do something with him yesterday, as it was his day off. I said I was free, and that I'd like to do something. I texted him on the 28th to confirm, but never got a reply. I then just sent a quick message this morning just to ask if he fancied meeting up next week. He's checked his messages but hasn't replied.

AIBU to feel really hurt? It really upset me that we went from chatting and enjoying each others' company to absolute radio silence from him. This might sound utterly pathetic, but I'm finding it really hard to move on. We just seemed to be exactly on the same wavelength, but clearly we didn't want the same things or maybe he just got bored. I just feel really down and hurt.

OP posts:
lurkingnotlurking · 31/12/2017 12:19

I know you would. And I'd probably be facing the same temptation if I were you. But you can't contact him. It's almost like you thought you were 'going steady /exclusive/whatever the current term is' after one date. You weren't. He's moved on to the next, no doubt and might have been seeing several people in parallel.

Karigan1 · 31/12/2017 12:19

I’m sorry but cancelling last minute on him showed him that he wasn’t that important to you so why do you expect more in return? Men want to be wanted just as we want to be wanted. Imagine if he cancelled on you last minute bet your post would be something like

‘Was supposed to go on this date and he cancelled last minute only saying he had had a bad day. Do I rearrange or give up on him.

Then you’d get loads of replies along the lines of

‘You’re just not important to him then. Forget that one and move on’.

Original poster
WellAlwaysHaveParis · 31/12/2017 12:20

Shouldn't I just apologise for that date?

OP posts:
lurkingnotlurking · 31/12/2017 12:21

No. It's done now. Even if you hadn't cancelled, you might be in exactly this place now.

Ixiepixie · 31/12/2017 12:21

The fact that he was your first Tinder date goes some way to explaining your over investment.

I really feel for you OP - I've been there! However, just because you had a good feeling about this doesn't mean that it was going to go anywhere. The fact that your family member had a good feeling about it - without meeting him - doesn't mean anything. They were most likely trying to be encouraging.
The fact is that you do not know this man. It takes more than a few conversations and a date to know somebody. It sounds like you've taken the little snippets you know about him and created a fantasy character who was "perfect" for you and now you can't move on 😟
It was a bit flaky to bail out with a few hours to go but it's hardly a hanging offence! Stop beating yourself up - it achieves nothing and makes you feel awful.
The fact that he is not answering your texts and messages and is keeping you hanging is not a great characteristic - I would expect a decent guy to acknowledge your messages, even if he wasn't interested any more and to send you a message telling you that he no longer wanted to pursue the friendship so that you were no longer dangling on a hook - especially as you've sent him more than one message.

Move on OP. There are some lovely guys out there but you are not going to meet them if you are moping around thinking about this chap and beating yourself up over your actions.
Also worth noting that the decent, emotionally healthy guys will run a mile if you become over invested too quickly and start thinking about a future together after only one date.

Very best of luck OP. I'm rooting for you 💐

wowfudge · 31/12/2017 12:22

No! FFS. You've already apologised. What do you think you will achieve by apologising again? He's not that into you. End of.

Mollie85 · 31/12/2017 12:23

In the nicest possible way - you’re starting to sound desperate.

If there is one thing that turns people off it’s desperation.

Forget about him and re-open the app. Spend some time today seeing what else is about Grin

Honestly. This is not Casablanca...this is a failed Tinder liaison. Sorry to be so harsh Flowers

Worriedrose · 31/12/2017 12:24

You want to see him for the idea of him (if that makes sense) you do not actually know him. You have turned him into a fantasy

Take on board the advice, some times we can romanticise a person when they aren't right for us. I would take him not replying with good grace, and accept he doesn't want to take it further.

He was not your future, you can't think like that. If it is this hard work then it's not worth it

I had a date cancel early 2 times, didn't bother me in the slightest, shit happens. But not replying or putting in the effort would just make me think they weren't interested and that's FINE. It's their choice, it's nothing to do with you.

swingofthings · 31/12/2017 12:26

Should I just send him a quick message now saying that I'm sorry again for cancelling last minute for that date and asking if we can give it another chance? I feel so bad.
You do what you want to do. If you feel that you won't be able to move on without at least giving it one more try, then do so, but be prepared to feel even more gutted if he doesn't respond again, or respond to tell you to stop harassing him because he's met someone who he likes much better.

You can't make someone really like you because you really like them. Maybe you cancelling on him triggered something in him. Maybe his ex kept cancelling and your doing so reminded him of her. Maybe he assumed you'd cancelled because you were going on another date and you are now texting him again because that date didn't go well. Whatever it is, you can't rewind and you can't make him think differently to what he is thinking now.

So yes, give it a try, there is a -very- small chance that he might change his mind and agree, but be prepared for the most likely scenario that he has moved on and expect you to do the same.

IndieTara · 31/12/2017 12:34

Well not meaning to sound harsh but if you are going to carry on OLD you are going to need to toughen up.

You cancelled on him last minute and you will find that that is extremely normal with OLD. Cancelling, ghosting, Catfishing etc is the norm. You have done it to somebody already and it will also happen to you.

Its wise not to over invest too early and take it from me you have to kiss a lot of frogs. Assuming they turn up of course

humblesims · 31/12/2017 12:44

Should I apologise for cancelling that other date at the last minute
No.

Zarathrustra · 31/12/2017 12:45

Not sure why the chap is getting such flack - he was cancelled on at the last minute so has (presumably) decided it’s not worth the effort.

Forget about it OP. Just try not to get too invested until things have developed a bit.

gamechangenamechange · 31/12/2017 12:48

He wasn't upset when you cancelled the date, he suggested another date after that and he kept on talking to you. Apologising to him or dropping a big emotional 'you've hurt me' on him isn't going to change the fact that he has either met someone else or has decided he's not interested in going further with you. We've all been there, it's shit, but you need to keep on trucking onwards because that Frenchie is no longer an option

CurryWorst · 31/12/2017 12:52

I think you need to learn not to take it so seriously. You had one date with this guy, thats it. You cancelled on him at the last minute, and he decided it wasn't worth the hassle.
If you're getting this worked up about one tinder date, you might not be ready for it at all.

Original poster
WellAlwaysHaveParis · 31/12/2017 12:57

I'm really trying to make amends for cancelling though. I apologised at the time.

OP posts:
CurryWorst · 31/12/2017 12:58

You're missing the point. He's not interested. No amends are necessary, he is dating everyone else on Tinder now.
He was one date, you have cast him in the role of love of your life!

Original poster
WellAlwaysHaveParis · 31/12/2017 12:59

I'd like to meet up just to be friends though.

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 31/12/2017 13:01

You do thang to be friends, you want to date him.

Stop messing him, you’re being too clingy. It was one date. You e created him to be some big love when you barely know him and you actually have no idea who he really is.

Stop. Let it go. The more you message the more likely he is to block you.

CurryWorst · 31/12/2017 13:03

You don't go to Tinder to make friends!

Seriously OP you are not in the right place for Tinder at all. You don't get it.

Rossigigi · 31/12/2017 13:04

Leave it!!

He doesn't want to know. If he did he would have replied. He's read them and ignored them.

Sorry to say, but you keep on sending him messages, even if it's just to apologise, starts looking a bit 'stalker-ish'.

His radio silence, tells you his feelings. The ship has sailed, so time to move on. And next time just see that first date, as a date with a friend, rather than a relationship- prevents you getting hurt again.

Original poster
WellAlwaysHaveParis · 31/12/2017 13:05

Curry what don't I get about Tinder?

OP posts:
CurryWorst · 31/12/2017 13:06

Any of it! You met one dude for one date and you're telling your family about him and envisioning a future and chasing him down and pretending you want to meet as friends! You clearly don't get the first thing about Tinder!

gamechangenamechange · 31/12/2017 13:09

Ah come on, bollocks do you just want to meet up and be friends Smile you want the lovely potential French boyfriend back and to return to wondering if you'll have a croquembouche at your wedding AND a wedding cake or stick to just the one. You can absolutely keep trying to hunt him down and change the world so that you guys hang out again but it's either going to end up with him blocking you or you being his buddy and watching him go on dates with whoever he has now met on Tinder's

IntoTheFloodAgain · 31/12/2017 13:11

Sorry to be blunt, but it’s likely he’s not giving it a second thought now, it wouldn’t make a difference if he knew you were upset or apologised again. And after one date, he’s not obliged to. It sounds like you’ve just read to much into it and developed a relationship in your head that doesn’t exist.
I’d move on.

Solly76 · 31/12/2017 13:11

Seriously, don't bother. You apologised once, that is enough. For some reason he seems to have decided not to bother taking it any further and unless you hear otherwise from him then that is what you should assume. Yes it would have been polite if he had actually bothered to let you know, but some people find that hard.

You are going to need to develop a thicker skin for OLD though. Never over invest in the early days. Like other posters have said - ghosting, cushioning, lovebombing, catfishing are very common. There's a bit of a sweetie shop mentality when it comes to OLD. A lot of guys still checking in and keeping profile up even though they are now going steady with someone. Also be careful because there are a lot of married or attached men on these sites. I came across a few on POF. I've become quite good at spotting them now.

Sorry if I sound a cynic, there are good guys who are genuinely single and genuinely wanting to find their soulmate. Just a question of taking your time and finding him. I wish you all the best