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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really pissed off with DISRESPECT from DS and his homeless mate?

98 replies

Sanshin · 30/12/2017 10:10

DS is almost 17. He's done fuck all since leaving school at 16 and spends his time dossing around the house or out with "friends". One friend in particular is on a downward spiral. He's 16 like DS and throughout the year I've received texts from DS saying "can 'josh' sleep over as he's arguining with his mum and can't go home."

I have anxiety and don't like people in the house but 5/10 times I've agreed to let him stay the night.

Then a few weeks back this lad appeared as a missing person on Facebook. 14k shares, distraught mother ... hes eventually found dossing at mates houses (not mine at the time, I was one of the mugs sharing the post trying to find him).

Anyway to cut a long story short the texts from DS changed to "can josh stay the night as he's got nowhere to go and I can't leave him out on the street". I often agreed against my own judgement.

Then 2 days ago DS brought him here and the lad told me that he no longer lived with his mum but was living at a mates house with her family whilst he awaited hostel accommodation. Apparently he'd tried to get help from the council and they wouldn't help as he was deemed mentally unstable. I asked him why, as he's only 16, social services were not involved. He gave me a round the house's answer which didn't make much sense and just went on about being mentally unstable and that's why nobody can help. I'm a healthcare professional so this isn't making sense to me. It doesn't add up.

Last night at 11pm DS text me asking if 'josh' could stay as he had nowhere else to go. I said "no, not tonight" as it would have meant two nights in a row and DH is getting annoyed by it. Plus it's a slippery slope to "well, he might as well move in since he's here most nights". We have enough problems as it is without adding another one to the mix.

DS REplied "please, I can't leave him out in the cold". I don't believe he is out in the cold so said no.

Then at midnight I got a Facebook message from a random kid asking if I was DSs mum and to let me know that DS had missed the last bus home so would be walking home - so leave the door unlocked when I go to bed so he can get in!!! I waited up until 1am and then went to bed. My instincts told me DS was using this is a way to smuggle this mate into the house for the night and this morning I find that I'm right. "Homeless young man" is on DSs bedroom floor.

I'm fucking raging. After the sob story yesterday I gave him a pep talk about how he's worth so much more than he currently believes, offered help with CV and referrals to people that can help etc ... I've not been dismissive to this lad yet the pair of them treat me like a fucking idiot.

DH doesn't yet know that he's here so he'll hit the roof at any point now. AIBU to feel like telling DS to join his precious mate in the hostel application??!! I wouldn't really, but I feel like it. I'm so pissed off at being treated like a mug.

OP posts:

BrutusMcDogface · 30/12/2017 10:11

Do his parents know where he is?

Original poster

Sanshin · 30/12/2017 10:13

He doesn't live with them now. I had him here all yesterday afternoon reading out text messages from family members telling him to go home and speak to his mother. He also showed me a letter his mother had wrote addressed to the council backing up his honeless status saying he can't live with her anymore.

OP posts:

Giraffesarequitetall · 30/12/2017 10:14

Is your DS not at college or an apprenticeship if he has left school? They should legally be in education or training at that age.

Did he start something and then give it up or is he still registered somewhere? If so, can you ask the pastoral care team for help?

EggysMom · 30/12/2017 10:15

Let your DH deal with it. Sounds as though he's stronger than you over this issue, and DS knows this.

Pengggwn · 30/12/2017 10:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Sanshin · 30/12/2017 10:17

No he's not doing anything other than working 8 hours a week at McDonald's. I've been in touch with college, social services, his old school, connexions - all of them make the right noises but none can actually force him to cooperate and i really don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't give him any money but he's managing on his petty wage from McDonald's.

OP posts:

JediStoleMyBike · 30/12/2017 10:17

I think I'd be worried that my DS was doing nothing but dossing. If he was in education or had a job chances are he wouldn't be hanging out with this lad anymore. Why isn't he doing anything?

Eltonjohnssyrup · 30/12/2017 10:18

Take him to the council offices with his letter. Call social services yourself. Sorry, but you seem to be really hard hearted towards what is essentially a homeless child. Especially saying you want to send your son to a hostel, that's awful!

You don't need to let him move in, but you really should be making sure that the relevant authorities know what is happening.

Tinselistacky · 30/12/2017 10:18

Would you consider going to the council with him? Unless he is a hardened crim taking your ds down the same path would it be so hard to be the appropriate adult for the lad to get his life on track?

MrsJayy · 30/12/2017 10:18

Right you need to sort your lad out Josh has him where he wants him do you know his parents? I would contact them and when josh gets up I would be telling him he can't stay at yours again, why is your lad dossing about i would stop funding him till he gets his finger out he is walking all over you both and you are letting him.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 30/12/2017 10:19

Oh right. Just seen the update. So there are places he can go but he won't go? That's different.

Original poster

Sanshin · 30/12/2017 10:20

He's not a nice lad (DS), he's a fucking nightmare to be honest and has been for years. He's caused me so much stress and anxiety and has almost cost me my marriage on a number of occasions. DH is not his father. His father is useless.

Yesterday the pair of them were laughing about how they trashed their other mates house and showered the next door house with cocopops causing the "mate" to start jet washing the neighbours house in the early hours of the morning.

I've tried to be nice and helpful but the pair of them (and the rest of their druggy gangsta wannabe mates) are antisocial and trouble.

OP posts:

Chumper · 30/12/2017 10:20

I think there's two problems here. Firstly, your DS needs to start contributing to family life and society in some way - doing nothing is not a viable option.

The fact that people think they can do nothing in this life and survive off hand outs is largely why your DS's friend is struggling to get somewhere safe to live through social services. Maybe try pointing that out to your DS to give him a kick up the backside?

Then I'd call social services, or as a healthcare professional even make a referral for emergency accomodation for DS Friend, contact his GP and make sure everyone is aware of the situation. Lay some rules and say hes welcome to stay on a set night a week but needs to find other places for the rest of the week - oh, and regularly check he's engaging with housing, mental health teams and social workers and stress this is only a short term agreement until he gets his own place.

MrsJayy · 30/12/2017 10:21

Just read your update what a carry on , you dont actually know if Josh is homeless

Pengggwn · 30/12/2017 10:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 30/12/2017 10:22

Refer his friend to social services and focus on your DS. I know that is easier said than done.
Your DS needs support I would focus on him and try as much as possible to keep the friend at arms length.
In relation to this incident I think you need to have a serious discussion with your DS but he was trying to help a mate not committing a crime. He should have lied but I suspect he was faced with a situation he didn’t know how to solve. Help a mate and piss off parents or leave his mate stranded. I suspect his mate was laying it on quite thick about how he would be stuck in the cold (and it may be true).

Original poster

Sanshin · 30/12/2017 10:22

I offered to help him yesterday. I'm willing to be the responsible adult but he doesn't want my help. He just wants to use my house.

OP posts:

Tinselistacky · 30/12/2017 10:24

Maybe find out the council protocol for teen housing and put both their names down? You aren't obliged to have either of them!!

namechange2222 · 30/12/2017 10:24

The Local Authority have a responsibility towards him. I'd imagine he's spinning you a story. The LA, in my area, would actually refer him to foster care ( in the past he'd be referred to a young person's hostel ) I'm imagining he knows all this and will have decided there'd be too many boundaries in foster care. He is probably quite enjoying the excitement of living on different sofas so far. Please phone the duty out of hours social services and refer him to them. Just tell them this boy appears to have nowhere to sleep on a regular basis, it appears as if he is estranged from his parents. have at hand as much information, the boy's mobile number and friends names and addresses then leave them to deal with it. It may be that the LA would ask you to given him a roof for a couple of nights, if you do agree to this do so for only a couple of nights unless they assess you as a friends and family carer for him and pay you accordingly

Original poster

Sanshin · 30/12/2017 10:25

Thinking about it, I could refer him to safeguarding couldn't I? Putting my work hat on for a minute instead of my pissed off mother hat ...

I can also constant his mum on Facebook but if I do, what do I say?

OP posts:

namechange2222 · 30/12/2017 10:25

Cross post there OP!

JediStoleMyBike · 30/12/2017 10:26

"Come get your son. He's not dossing at my bloody house. Take some responsibility." Is what I'd be tempted to say!

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 30/12/2017 10:27

X post with your update.

You need as much as possible to focus on your DS and minimise the impact of the mate. Refer the mate to social services and ring them every time your DS says can he stay because he is homeless.

Is there anything your DS is interested in?

Original poster

Sanshin · 30/12/2017 10:27

Also, his story doesn't add up. Through work I know that youngesters like this end up in half way foster care if they have nowhere to go. Hostels are for over 18s as far as I know?? I mentioned half way fostering to him yesterday and he came out with the mentally unstable excuse again.

OP posts:

MrsMoastyToasty · 30/12/2017 10:29

Start asking them for rent, with the clear message that if they don't do so that they will find their belongings outside the house. No ifs, no buts, no excuses.
If they want to live an adult life and leave home and drop out of education then they have to take adult consequences.

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