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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really pissed off with DISRESPECT from DS and his homeless mate?

98 replies

Sanshin · 30/12/2017 10:10

DS is almost 17. He's done fuck all since leaving school at 16 and spends his time dossing around the house or out with "friends". One friend in particular is on a downward spiral. He's 16 like DS and throughout the year I've received texts from DS saying "can 'josh' sleep over as he's arguining with his mum and can't go home."

I have anxiety and don't like people in the house but 5/10 times I've agreed to let him stay the night.

Then a few weeks back this lad appeared as a missing person on Facebook. 14k shares, distraught mother ... hes eventually found dossing at mates houses (not mine at the time, I was one of the mugs sharing the post trying to find him).

Anyway to cut a long story short the texts from DS changed to "can josh stay the night as he's got nowhere to go and I can't leave him out on the street". I often agreed against my own judgement.

Then 2 days ago DS brought him here and the lad told me that he no longer lived with his mum but was living at a mates house with her family whilst he awaited hostel accommodation. Apparently he'd tried to get help from the council and they wouldn't help as he was deemed mentally unstable. I asked him why, as he's only 16, social services were not involved. He gave me a round the house's answer which didn't make much sense and just went on about being mentally unstable and that's why nobody can help. I'm a healthcare professional so this isn't making sense to me. It doesn't add up.

Last night at 11pm DS text me asking if 'josh' could stay as he had nowhere else to go. I said "no, not tonight" as it would have meant two nights in a row and DH is getting annoyed by it. Plus it's a slippery slope to "well, he might as well move in since he's here most nights". We have enough problems as it is without adding another one to the mix.

DS REplied "please, I can't leave him out in the cold". I don't believe he is out in the cold so said no.

Then at midnight I got a Facebook message from a random kid asking if I was DSs mum and to let me know that DS had missed the last bus home so would be walking home - so leave the door unlocked when I go to bed so he can get in!!! I waited up until 1am and then went to bed. My instincts told me DS was using this is a way to smuggle this mate into the house for the night and this morning I find that I'm right. "Homeless young man" is on DSs bedroom floor.

I'm fucking raging. After the sob story yesterday I gave him a pep talk about how he's worth so much more than he currently believes, offered help with CV and referrals to people that can help etc ... I've not been dismissive to this lad yet the pair of them treat me like a fucking idiot.

DH doesn't yet know that he's here so he'll hit the roof at any point now. AIBU to feel like telling DS to join his precious mate in the hostel application??!! I wouldn't really, but I feel like it. I'm so pissed off at being treated like a mug.

OP posts:

billybagpuss · 30/12/2017 10:31

The ages between 16 and prob around 25 are really difficult to get any help.

My DD's BF has been living with us for the last 2 years from the age of 18 following a breakdown in relations with his dad and SM (I nearly posted on the SM thread the other day as she is heading down the same road but I chickened out) We are lucky, he is a lovely lad and has contributed to our household and family, his brother has now suffered the same treatment and I think will be sofa surfing a while.

The disrespect your DS showed you last night is unacceptable. I would lay down the rules that the other lad may not stay again, or maybe 1 night a week and if he tries to pull that stunt again the door will be locked at 10pm and he can sleep on the doorstep.

Try contacting some of the homeless charities 'Emmaus, Centerpoint, Shelter and see if they can help at all.

Also if your DS is doing nothing but 8 hours at McD I would suggest he requests more hours and start charging him rent. I think he needs to start getting a taste of the real world.

Good luck

lljkk · 30/12/2017 10:32

I'd want to kick them both out.

Not sure why folk are saying OP should contact the other lad's mom. I read this bit

"He also showed me a letter his mother had wrote addressed to the council backing up his honeless status saying he can't live with her anymore."

That means there is no parent involved, now.

Chumper · 30/12/2017 10:33

Do you have a foyer federation near you? Pretty sure they house young people from 16 but he will have to engage with them.

Where does he stay the rest of the time?

MrsJayy · 30/12/2017 10:36

He is spinning you a line he just isn't going home he isn't homeless he isn't being left becausevhe is mentally unstable he hasn't been to see anybody is my view. Contact his mother say i have your lad here AGAIN would you like to collect him.

KenAdams · 30/12/2017 10:37

Sounds like bollocks to me. The mental health issue would warrant more help not less. I'd speak to Social Services.

tava63 · 30/12/2017 10:37

Sanshin you sound lovely, you have your own troubles but you have already gone the extra mile here. You laid some reasonable boundaries and the boys broke them. I am concerned your DS could be being put under pressure by this lad and also your DS has his own life to get in order. So I would stick to 'just' (and that is still huge) a safeguarding role in this situation.

PurpleWithRed · 30/12/2017 10:39

Definitely do a safeguarding referral to Social Services, and do it right now.

OnTheRise · 30/12/2017 10:39

You have to tell your son that his friend is no longer welcome at your house at any time. So not only can he not stay overnight, he can't visit during the daytime either.

And then you have to tell your son that he's got to find full-time work and do a proper apprenticeship. And that he has to be at home by ten every night, so that he can get up early enough for work. And that he has to stop manipulating you like this, and pull his weight.

And remind him that you love him and will do all you can to support him, and that you're worried that he'll end up with no job and no home and no way to look after himself, which is no way to live.

Good luck, OP.

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 30/12/2017 10:40

Remind DS that he either lives by your house rules ie no more sleep overs unless specifically ok’d by you, or he too can be homeless like Josh and reliant on other people’s kindness. Be strong, let him know you’re not giving empty threats.

metalmum15 · 30/12/2017 10:41

He just wants to use my house

Yep. So don't let him. There will be other places he can go. You're not his mum and it's not your place to deal with him. Sorry, but there's nothing that annoys me more than waster 'druggy wannabe gangsta boys'. Some of them grow out of it, but most of them grow up into waster adults. Concentrate on your own family, he's really not helping.

CocaColaTruck · 30/12/2017 10:42

You have to tell DS that this is the last time. No argument - just plain never again.

Hortonlovesahoo · 30/12/2017 10:46

OP: I’d be waking them both up right now and kicking them out. My parents had similar with my DSis and her mate and they only stopped taking the piss when they realised that they wouldn’t get away with it.

I’d take your DS to one side, tell him how disappointed you are that he broke your rules and trust and that he may return once he apologises properly

MrsJayy · 30/12/2017 10:50

A family member of mine had her older teen children and all the waif mates hanging about her house it got so bad she didn't know who was who she was that soft she used to stay at her older Dc house to get peace 😲

Rudgie47 · 30/12/2017 10:52

At 16, the lad is Social Services responsibility not the homeless section of the councils.I'd wake him up now and ask his permission to ring Emergency Social Services to get him accomodated. If he wont then fair enough I'd give him the phone numbers and get him to leave.
I'd tell your son that if he brings him in your house again the friend will have to leave straight away.

Original poster

Sanshin · 30/12/2017 10:53

im at a loss of what to do about DS. Nobody seems able to help. Everytime I contact anyone they tell me that legally he has to be doing something full time - I know that but how do I go about making him do it??

OP posts:

Hellywelly10 · 30/12/2017 11:00

Op is your son and mates using drugs or alcohol? what's the back story with his mate and his mum?

Popchyk · 30/12/2017 11:00

I agree that you've tried to help and it hasn't worked. Him having a safety net of his mate's mum's house to doss in might well be preventing him from sorting out a more permanent solution.

And frankly, it isn't your problem to fix. You are struggling to deal with your son and don't need to add someone else's son into the mix. The two of them will drag you down and you don't need that.

The two of them are taking the piss. You said no and they both connived so that he stayed anyway. You can't let this go otherwise they'll see it as a green light to walk all over you.

Let your DH try a new angle. And if that angle is "get out of my house and don't come here again" then fine.

WeirdCatLady · 30/12/2017 11:02

Personally I’d sit your son down and tell him that he either gets a full time job or goes back into education. If he refuses then he will have to leave.

It is time for you to stand up and be strong. He needs to know that he can’t just doss about your house anymore.

Oh, and his friend needs to leave right now and is never, repeat never, to return.

Good luck.

JustVent · 30/12/2017 11:04

I think you DS is being a lovely kid and a good friend.

I know that’s difficult for you to see and I don’t blame you at all but I think he sounds really lovely.

TDHManchester · 30/12/2017 11:05

Seems to me your son is the priority and he is in danger of being dragged down by his associates and their problem which are not your problem.

Your issue is to get your son to actually start doing something useful before he becomes a major liability. Time is already passing by.

Dont let him or his mate use your home as a doss house.

Viviennemary · 30/12/2017 11:05

I'd phone up the parents and say please collect your son as he's at my house and we haven't got the room (or make up another excuse). And I'd be worried that if he stays any longer you might have to take some kind of responsibility for him. I'd inform SS of the situation because if he disappears again your door will be the one they'll come knocking at.

pinkdelight · 30/12/2017 11:05

In my understanding, the mum will have written that letter to help Josh qualify for council accommodation, as proof that he is officially homeless. Which doesn't mean that in practice the mum won't let him stay there or take any interest/responsibility if the OP contacts her. She doesn't get to write that letter and then her DS magically becomes the OP's problem. If that was the case, OP could write Josh a letter saying he can't stay at her home either. Which actually might be a good idea to really spell it out to him. He does sound to have problems, but OP's son sounds like he's enough to handle without adding Josh into the mix. When does your son turn 17, OP? Has he no aspirations whatsoever? It's a really tough age if a kid is disenfranchised with the education system. Could he at least work more hours at McDs?

StealthPolarBear · 30/12/2017 11:07

Op are you sure he's not older than he claims to be

juneau · 30/12/2017 11:08

Well the first thing I would do is kick this 'mate' of his out once and for all. Your DS is a cheeky little oik, quite frankly, and I wouldn't be allowing him to have mates staying over. This boy is already half resident at your home - put your foot down. No wonder he doesn't respect you if you have no boundaries. And then get tough with him - whatever it takes to get him into education or training. While you're providing a roof over his head, mobile phone, food, heating, etc he has no incentive to get off his arse and prepare for his future. He needs to be in education or training. If he's doing neither then I would tell him he's got a month to sign up to something or else he will also be homeless. You've tried everything else - time for tough love.

Original poster

Sanshin · 30/12/2017 11:16

But it would be an empty threat wouldn't it as I can't legally kick him out

OP posts:

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