To be really pissed off with DISRESPECT from DS and his homeless mate?

[Sanshin]

DS is almost 17. He's done fuck all since leaving school at 16 and spends his time dossing around the house or out with "friends". One friend in particular is on a downward spiral. He's 16 like DS and throughout the year I've received texts from DS saying "can 'josh' sleep over as he's arguining with his mum and can't go home."

I have anxiety and don't like people in the house but 5/10 times I've agreed to let him stay the night.

Then a few weeks back this lad appeared as a missing person on Facebook. 14k shares, distraught mother ... hes eventually found dossing at mates houses (not mine at the time, I was one of the mugs sharing the post trying to find him).

Anyway to cut a long story short the texts from DS changed to "can josh stay the night as he's got nowhere to go and I can't leave him out on the street". I often agreed against my own judgement.

Then 2 days ago DS brought him here and the lad told me that he no longer lived with his mum but was living at a mates house with her family whilst he awaited hostel accommodation. Apparently he'd tried to get help from the council and they wouldn't help as he was deemed mentally unstable. I asked him why, as he's only 16, social services were not involved. He gave me a round the house's answer which didn't make much sense and just went on about being mentally unstable and that's why nobody can help. I'm a healthcare professional so this isn't making sense to me. It doesn't add up.

Last night at 11pm DS text me asking if 'josh' could stay as he had nowhere else to go. I said "no, not tonight" as it would have meant two nights in a row and DH is getting annoyed by it. Plus it's a slippery slope to "well, he might as well move in since he's here most nights". We have enough problems as it is without adding another one to the mix.

DS REplied "please, I can't leave him out in the cold". I don't believe he is out in the cold so said no.

Then at midnight I got a Facebook message from a random kid asking if I was DSs mum and to let me know that DS had missed the last bus home so would be walking home - so leave the door unlocked when I go to bed so he can get in!!! I waited up until 1am and then went to bed. My instincts told me DS was using this is a way to smuggle this mate into the house for the night and this morning I find that I'm right. "Homeless young man" is on DSs bedroom floor.

I'm fucking raging. After the sob story yesterday I gave him a pep talk about how he's worth so much more than he currently believes, offered help with CV and referrals to people that can help etc ... I've not been dismissive to this lad yet the pair of them treat me like a fucking idiot.

DH doesn't yet know that he's here so he'll hit the roof at any point now. AIBU to feel like telling DS to join his precious mate in the hostel application??!! I wouldn't really, but I feel like it. I'm so pissed off at being treated like a mug.

Your story is so similar to my Dss. I comepltrly get why you're at the end of your tether and know you can't force DC to take part in education or work.

DSS has been drifting for 5 years now. No interest in doing anything and making sure he was thrown out of all the local colleges / 6th forms, blowing various apprenticeships and other schemes...

He has a load of druggie mates and he brings 'homeless' mates back whenever her feels like it.

He does it because he can. His mother won't throw him out even though his mates trash things, are rude, disrespectful, cruel to the family dogs and steal things.

I understand the fear of booting your DS out and the trouble he could then find himself in.

However we are 5 years down the line and it hasn't got better. The incentive isn't there.

I would do as much research as you can about options for Josh and I would chain lock your door so josh can't be smuggled in.

I would then look at options for your DS and go over them with him. As in look there's a young men's hostel here or there's this pub job with accomadation included.. I'd be tempted to call his bluff and say you obviously aren't happy with the house rules so let's find you somewhere " and take it from there

Op are you sure he's not older than he claims to be
^ this

And what do you mean you can't legally throw him out?
Isn't that what Josh's Mum has apparently done?

Call childrens social services yourself. Tell them he's here and needs emergency safeguarding to collect him asap

At 16 you can indeed ask him to leave.

I'd tell the boy you are happy to help but he is no longer welcome in you house and Id mean it.

I would say 1st port of call ring his mum. Speak to her and ask how old he is - my guess is over 18 but if he's under then call social services. Then throw him out.

Regarding your son. Sit him down and spell it out to him, with your husband, and tell him in no uncertain terms you will be looking for a foster placement for him if he continues like this.

Treat them like clients at work. Would you be this soft with someone you work with?

I am the furthest thing from a bleeding heart liberal but there's something that doesn't sit well with me, the barrage of posters baying for the OP to kick out this boy, and her own son.

I don't agree.

I have a 16 year old. Ok he's a 'good boy. Doesn't do drugs, drink, go out. But honestly I couldn't in all conscience allow one of his mates, nor indeed my older DS friends, to possibly be out on the streets at this time of year in freezing weather. Yes he MIGHT have somewhere to go. But he clearly can't go home. Being kicked out by your mum at 16 is horrific. I don't care if people are going to post saying it happened to them and its all fine and it makes kids independent. Fuck that. It isn't normal and it isn't good or desirable.

There was a piece on the BBC website recently about a lad whose mum kicked him out at 16. He spent a long time sofa surfing because there was no help. He wasn't a slacker he was an A level student. There were simply no resources to house him. A homeless hostel is no place for a 16 yo.

I'm not advocating the OP should give this boy a home or even let him stay indefinitely. I just would want to try and help rather than washing my hands of it.

As for the OPs DS, I am surprised that more hasn't been done by school, college etc to ensure he is still in education and training. I got no end of grief about ensuring my elder sons attendance at 6th form, and a friend whose DS dropped out of a college course had meetings and home visits to sort out an alternative for him, which she/ he was told were non negotiable.

Sanshin I totally hear you. You could almost be me. My 17 YO is refusing to engage in anything other than drug taking, petty theft and hanging out with his dodgy mates. He is a bright boy but deliberately got himself excluded from school to enhance the bad boy reputation he decided to fashion for himself. While I'm at work he lets his mates in and they use my house as a doss house during the day. Occasionally I have to leave work early to come home and scare them all out. He occasionally attempts to stay with other people by telling them I don't feed him and that I've kicked him out, both of which are lies.

I have no advice, I'm sorry, but can offer you a bucket load of empathy.

VelvetSpoon

You are under the assumption that he has been kicked out and not just left.

He's got a letter from his mum saying he can't live there- so whether he's been kicked out or left under his own steam, he now can't go back so what difference does it make ultimately? His mum won't let him in the house therefore he has nowhere permanent to live.

At 16, Children's Services are responsible for your DS's friend being accommodated in some form. I can't remember the case name but there is case law surrounding it (doesn't stop children's services and councils arguing over who is responsible) that means they should be helping. Legally he is a homeless child.

I would ring your local authority to discuss the situation. Under the Children Act the LA has a legal duty to support a child in need, which he is.

But it would be an empty threat wouldn't it as I can't legally kick him out

You can.

Arf at all the bleeding hearts who are without a doubt pming you their addresses to take the problem on for you. Isn't that nice of them?

Supported housing is around now for kids that age. Ask your husband to kick them both out and tell your son he can come back when he's ditched the mate. Sort out the phone numbers to give them to get the mate sorted. He'll need to ring social services himself.

I would wake them both now. I would tell the friend he has 5 mins to get out and that he has abused my trust and is not welcome here again.

I would tell DS that he has until March to sort his life back by either getting a full time job with decent prospects, going back to education or a apprenticeship. Otherwise in March his dad will be dragging him by the collar to the local army recruiting office.

My step brother is a 23 year old druggy who does nothing with his life. My hippie step mum lets him get away with it.

Army has already been mentioned but not surprisingly DS isn't entertaining the idea. I've told him he's got until the end of January to either find work/training or some alternative accommodation.

The mate is definately 16 btw, they were at school together.

I would wake them both now. I would tell the friend he has 5 mins to get out and that he has abused my trust and is not welcome here again.

I would tell DS that he has until March to sort his life back by either getting a full time job with decent prospects, going back to education or a apprenticeship. Otherwise in March his dad will be dragging him by the collar to the local army recruiting office.

My step brother is a 23 year old druggy who does nothing with his life. My hippie step mum lets him get away with it.

^this. As a mum of a 20year old who sat around doing nothing with his life for 4 years it took me sending him to his dads to live for him to pull his finger out. He's now going to do something with his life - living with me wasn't working as he knew he could walk over me.

I'd be fucking furious I would be telling him to leave NOW. No need to be polite. They are taking the piss. I grew up with someone like this and they take take take. Do not trust him and do not allow him in your home again. I wouldn't believe a word he says.

VelvetSpoon

the difference is that he could go back but chooses not to.

The letter is something people are told to do to aid others in getting a flat/house/home etc.

Your DS's intent to support his friend is correct and admirable, but the pressure on you and your DH is unfair.

There's a scheme called "night stop" designed specifically for young people aged 16+ so that they don't end up homeless, sofa surfing or in B&B.

uk.depaulcharity.org/NightstopUK

Some branches of YMCA also run their version of this service so I would advise you also contact your local YMCA.

The other charity that supports young people aged 16+ who are homeless is St Basil's.

I used to be a host for YMCA and did a mix of nightstop and longer term placements. The goal is to support each young person to becoming independent and manage when they eventually secure their own accomodation. The host's are expected to assist the young person with how to budget, meal planning, cooking, cleaning, getting into routines to be able to function at work/college. They have to agree to engage in education or employment (usually apprenticeship).

Mental Health is now very common amongst young people. It is widely accepted by all agencies and professionals involved that MH support should be offered. Perhaps if you signpost your DS to the agencies I've suggested and also reassure him that his MH will be supported that could help finding alternative accommodation if he definitely can't return home.

If you need anymore information please pm me.

Good luck xx

Without hearing the mums side of the story, we don't know if she's written that letter simply to get him a place, or because he can't go back. Personally I'd take the letter at face value. You can't simply assume it's a ruse.

What about looking at a house move.
For all the bravado I think the thought of a move to a new area where his friends aren't is quite a daunting prospect even for a 17 year old.

I would be keen to get him away from this group of friends. You could start looking into this. It might wake him up a bit.

DH is presumably financially contributing to the maintenance of your home so imv should have say in who comes and goes and who pays rent.

You are heading down a bad road here with your son - you sound a lot like my mum when my brother was that age. He was "a nightmare", aimless, quit everything, constantly causing issues between her and her new husband (the last in a line of men that my brother was cast aside for since she became single when he was about 11). He was bitter and angry. She didn't want him around. She ended up kicking him out at 17 and they didn't speak for years. Now she's dead, he's 29 and still not over it or grown up.

I'm not sure how similar your situation is now or how you fix it, but it seems like he needs your focus right now.

You need to ring social services and the boy's mum.

I would contact his mother in case. This may be a fake letter.