To be upset with my friend's treatment of my dogs?

[SuperBeagle]

Months ago, my friend and I agreed that she would look after my two dogs while we went to the UK for a month.

I was very clear that this involved house-sitting, or at least staying with them overnight (I had no expectations that she would be here all day), and I left her several pages of comprehensive notes re their care and what she should do with them if she was going to be home late.

In addition, she was left the contacts of two family friends who were more than willing to step in if she was too busy/could no longer care for them.

We returned yesterday to find our house in virtually the state it was left in. The bed sheets had been turned down/pillows readjusted, but the sheets either hadn't been slept in or had been washed and replaced. The only towels in the washing were the ones left there before we left, and no towels had been moved from the drying racks that were there when we left. No food in the house had been touched etc.

We paid her $500 to look after them. Food had already been bought, cooked/prepared and frozen in dated containers so that she didn't have to faff about with that.

Our neighbours told us that they had to come down several times to look in on the dogs because they were barking and crying, and that it appeared that no one was there.

On taking DBeagle to the vet today, we found that he has lost 2kg in the month that we were away, which leads me to believe that they either weren't being fed correctly or were stressed to the point of weight loss.

I'm incredibly upset about this, as my friend knew that they had never been left overnight before and knew that I was anxious about leaving them/feeling guilty. Now I feel crushed about it. I feel so guilt-ridden that they've been effectively left on their own for a month.

I don't know what, if anything, to say to my friend.

AIBU to be so upset about this that I'm not sure I can continue our friendship as it was (dating back to high school!)?

@OldPony
Totally, I wouldn't leave my cats for a month alone either!
@Addictedtothisbloodyforum
Seriously? You would leave dogs alone for an entire month with UNTESTED arrangements in place? I wouldnt be able to sleep.

OP some people are just a bit OTT.
If anything, if the friend had an issue with the arrangement after you’d already left, she obviously had ways of contacting you.

Agree- it’s tricky because you can’t prove she wasn’t there so if she denies it you’re left in a weird stand off.

@Farmerswife36
Because dogs are a fucking responsibility, not toys? Because you would only leave dogs alone for 30 days if you were 100% certain and convinced they were in the hands of someone who had proved themselves to be reliable? Seriously, are you telling me you'd leave your kids alone with a friend who had never even babysat them for a day? Because honestly I dont see much difference between dogs and kids in terms of the time they need.

We had friends that got posted abroad for 2 years, and we looked after their lovely old dog for all of that time. We also had our own dogs and various other pets plus several children. They came back to a healthy and happy dog. It's ridiculous that your friend couldn't even manage to take care of your dogs even for a month!

God this thread has kicked off!

The carer was supposed to stay each night. The money paid is irrelevant as she agreed. Rural Oz probably has different pay expectations to UK. If the carer lives with parents they care for her animals. OP’s dogs have dog flap and land for in between walks. Dogs are used to having OP there at night. Going to the UK from Australia for a month once in 7 years is reasonable IMO. Hope your dogs are ok now OP 😊

I haven't read the full thread but have you considered the following possibilities:-

1. She stayed overnight but preferred to eat and wash in her own home (which was just five minutes away).

1. That your dog lost weight because he was pining for you and not because she neglected him (which it sounds like she didn't if you received videos of the dogs being walked and fed).

1. Perhaps her own animals were upset at her not being around as often as usual and so occasionally she put them first.

1. You were in the wrong for (a) not preparing your dogs for this by leaving for short periods before going away for an entire month and (b) expecting 5 star treatment for your dogs when paying a pittance for them to be looked after.

We have one cat who just needs someone to come in and feed him and we paid our neighbour's daughter more than £50 just to do that when we were away for five days.

Next time pay for kennels or don't go on holiday. Your pets your responsibility.

Don't you think it would be best for the OP to find out what's happened before condeming her friend for neglect?

Yes. The dogs are here on their own most days and are used to that

I would have a word with her about what she did, rather than rely on neighbours who may have their own reasons to stir trouble. It's possible that even with explicit instructions, she thought that if they were OK on their own during the day, they'd be OK at night. It's also possible she brought her own towels and tidied and remade the bed. Sounds like she didn't do exactly what was asked, but given the dogs' self sufficiency during the day anyway, she doesn't sound like World's Worst Petsitter.

Friend of mine went away for 3 weeks recently and paid a friend standard cat-sitting rates to look after her cat. I was then there as back up to check on the cat and send updates. I think rather than give the sitter back up contacts, get the back up to report directly to you.

I'd cool the friendship but in small communities with few people around, burning your bridges entirely isn't a great idea.

Obviously I'd be worried if I were you, however if I left my dog for a month he would probably be crying for me when there was no one in the house if even for a few hours through the day. If I were your friend I would have probably taken my own bedding, towels, food etc and if i hadn't then I would absolutely have everything I used all washed and replaced back where I found them.

I'm seriously not getting all the "I could cry, they have been so neglected" posts. Maybe I have watched too much Animal Rescue, but in my book neglected animals are not fed, watered and walked on a daily basis? One dog lost 2kg, probably due to separation anxiety. Our dcat always looses a bit of weight when we have been away for a few weeks and behaves like a feral for a while after we get back, which is why we never go for longer than a week now.

OP is it possible she washed the bedding, didn,'t eat your pre-made food and brought her own towel? We regularly house swap and the house is always left as it is found.

Oh and of course she would have washed the bedding after a month anyway, it would have been disgusting not to.

The dogs were probably crying for you. Maybe the neighbours were having a dig at you and not your friend, having you considered that?

Why should she have washed the dirty towels that you left in the linen basket by the way?

Expect a lot for $500 don't you?!

Stealing, as far as I'm concerned. She pocketed that money and didn't do the work. She has animals herself. She knows the score. No excuse.

Also was it only the beagle who lost weight? If so it could be just down to nerves with missing you! My mother in law uses kennels for her dogs when she goes on holiday and every time she comes back one of her dogs has lost weight

Honestly, I'm not sure that she didn't stay with the dogs overnight. It would make sense that she washed and changed the sheets, so explains that. As for neighbours commenting that they were barking, did they mention what time that was? Perhaps she had to be somewhere one evening and hadn't got back to the house yet?

The weight loss sounds like pure stress to me - we went away for 2 weeks and my parents looked after our cat. She was completely fussed over and very well looked after but still lost some weight due to the stress of being away from us. She's pretty needy, sounds like your dogs are the same.

I would speak to your friend before accusing her of anything tbh.

I haven't rtft but must condemn you anyway.

Just ask her did she stay over every night as you agreed.
You haven't even spoken to her yet.
She could have had a night out during the month and got home late, so dogs could have been barking then.
She could have washed the sheets and re-made the bed, I would have done.
She probably didn't eat your food as she ate at her own house 5 minutes away.
And she could have brought her own towels with her when she stayed, I would have.
You are guessing that she hasn't stayed just because your house was tidy and the neighbours heard barking a couple of nights.
Your beagle has probably lost weight through stress.
You need to stop jumping to conclusions and ask her to her face, how things went while you were away and how did the staying over go, as neighbour heard dogs a couple of night.

Could be all reasonable explanations for everything!

I think this is tricky because I'm not sure your friend has done anything wrong yet. The sheets were washed and your neighbours told you she was there. She also videod walks and sent lots of photos so it can't have been that bad. I think beagle was stressed.
I hope you don't lose a friend over this. You've txt her immediately accusing her really. I also think 500 was too little payment.

Cute dog though!

Thanks everyone. I will chill out and wait until I've had the chance to speak to her. You've all made valid points.

All I can think is that I wouldn't ever agree to a month of overnights for the equivalent of less than £300. Aye right!!

Unfortunately she agreed to it (daft woman) so she has let you down by not following it through...but realistically she probably thought she'd feed and walk the dogs but not stay overnight as you'd never know.

Ultimately though, I think you were unrealistic seeking such a personal and thoroughly time consuming service for such a measly amount of cash. I don't think anyone would have provided it for what you were paying. You got what you paid for I'm afraid.

I don't understand why the OP is getting such a hard time here. It doesn't matter what any of you think about the amount of money paid to the supposed dog sitter. OP's friend agreed to the arrangements and the money so should have abided by everything asked of her.

I have had friends or family stay in my house to look after my dogs and none of them have wanted much money. My niece actually stayed 2 weeks for free. All her food was provided and, obviously, she was using my gas and electric so didn't want paying.

I can understand about not wanting dogs left alone over night. I am the same. My dogs are left for a maximum of 4 hours during the day (not that often) but never over night. It may be strange but I just could not think of them on their own at night.

If the supposed friend was not happy with the arrangements she should not have agreed to them. Personally I would be so upset and angry I would have trouble speaking to the "friend"

OP stop defending yourself. There are those on mumsnet who will keep lashing you if you do. It's a kind of sport for them.

Your friend didn't uphold her end of the bargain, that's the main thing. I hope you get it resolved but I probably wouldnt trust her again.

Mistress Deecee

She is not a thief.

Firstly, she fed and walked the dogs and left the OPs house in a clean and tidy state. The money paid her was not sufficient to even cover that. If she had just "stolen" the money then the OP would have come back to a house full of shit and two dead dogs.

Secondly, there is absolutely no evidence whatsoever that she has not done what the OP wanted her to do to the letter. Dogs do bark sometimes. Maybe they heard something and thought there was an intruder. Maybe they were missing the OP and her family.

For all we know, the friend might have had a horrific time and got no sleep because the OP's dogs were barking all the time because they were missing the OP. I wouldn't blame her if after a couple of weeks of that she decided to go home and sleep in her own bed. What would be the point in telling the OP that and ruining her holiday?

I think it's sad that the OP has rushed in to blame her old friend from high school without finding out the facts or considering the myriad of possibilities.

Gamer the OP assumed that the mug dog sitter didn't uphold her end of the bargain, based on the OP's dirty washing still being there. She doesn't have any facts as she hasn't spoken to her yet.

mydog It doesn't matter what any of you think about the amount of money paid to the supposed dog sitter. OP's friend agreed to the arrangements and the money so should have abided by everything asked of her.

This! I loathe liars and irresponsible people, they make life stressful for the rest of us, you have to second-guess everything.

I had a similar but much lower-key situation with a friend looking after pets for a weekend. She didn't do what was asked, despite clear written instructions we'd gone over, lied to me about her arrival time (4am instead of previous evening) and was uncontactable the entire time (ignoring "text me when you get this" messages). When I pulled her up on it, she had the cheek to say it was because she couldn't turn down work shifts because of her (self-imposed) dire financial situation, even though I'd pointed out in advance she should say no if it would clash with work! She acted as if I WBU then cut me off completely. It was just bizarre and very upsetting that someone who seemed pleasant, kind and responsible would behave like that. Utterly unexpected, as in OPs situation - why would an animal lover neglect dogs?