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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with my friend's treatment of my dogs?

142 replies

SuperBeagle · 30/12/2017 09:24

Months ago, my friend and I agreed that she would look after my two dogs while we went to the UK for a month.

I was very clear that this involved house-sitting, or at least staying with them overnight (I had no expectations that she would be here all day), and I left her several pages of comprehensive notes re their care and what she should do with them if she was going to be home late.

In addition, she was left the contacts of two family friends who were more than willing to step in if she was too busy/could no longer care for them.

We returned yesterday to find our house in virtually the state it was left in. The bed sheets had been turned down/pillows readjusted, but the sheets either hadn't been slept in or had been washed and replaced. The only towels in the washing were the ones left there before we left, and no towels had been moved from the drying racks that were there when we left. No food in the house had been touched etc.

We paid her $500 to look after them. Food had already been bought, cooked/prepared and frozen in dated containers so that she didn't have to faff about with that.

Our neighbours told us that they had to come down several times to look in on the dogs because they were barking and crying, and that it appeared that no one was there.

On taking DBeagle to the vet today, we found that he has lost 2kg in the month that we were away, which leads me to believe that they either weren't being fed correctly or were stressed to the point of weight loss.

I'm incredibly upset about this, as my friend knew that they had never been left overnight before and knew that I was anxious about leaving them/feeling guilty. Now I feel crushed about it. I feel so guilt-ridden that they've been effectively left on their own for a month.

I don't know what, if anything, to say to my friend.

AIBU to be so upset about this that I'm not sure I can continue our friendship as it was (dating back to high school!)?

OP posts:
Original poster
SuperBeagle · 30/12/2017 10:42

Into

No, I think she's fed and walked them. Neighbours said they saw a car here typically in the mornings and some afternoons. I did say I wondered whether the beagle's weight loss was due more to the stress of the situation than lack of food.

It's that she wasn't here overnight, which was an expectation made clear months in advance and reiterated in notes.

OP posts:
diddl · 30/12/2017 10:42

Why was it so important that she stayed the night?

mustbemad17 · 30/12/2017 10:43

If someone buggars off for three out of four weeks every month, fine, that i get. But four weeks out of a year is not neglect, or abuse, or being a bad owner.

I'd have more issue with people who keep their dogs locked up in the house for 8+ hours a day with nothing than someone who makes provision for a holiday once a year!!

Original poster
SuperBeagle · 30/12/2017 10:44

Why was it so important that she stayed the night?

Because they'd never been on their own overnight before. And because they bark and cry if they're left alone at night, which we knew already because on the couple of occasions we'd been to concerts in the city, neighbours had commented that they'd barked till we got home.

OP posts:
Original poster
SuperBeagle · 30/12/2017 10:45

We don't even holiday once a year. This is the first holiday of that length we have taken since before we got our dogs 7 years ago. The last holiday we took in January was 4 days and the dogs came with.

OP posts:
Humpsfor20yards · 30/12/2017 10:46

*Months ago, my friend and I agreed that she would look after my two dogs while we went to the UK for a month.

I was very clear that this involved house-sitting, or at least staying with them overnight (I had no expectations that she would be here all day), and I left her several pages of comprehensive notes re their care and what she should do with them if she was going to be home late.

In addition, she was left the contacts of two family friends who were more than willing to step in if she was too busy/could no longer care for them.*

Does this help?

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 30/12/2017 10:47

Forgive me for being gormless but,

Why was it important that your friend stayed overnight when everyone is sleeping, but she could leave the dogs alone all day when I’m sure the dogs would appreciate human company more?

It seems the wrong way round to me, I’m not trying to be goady.

I’d be furious too, but I’d not leave my pets home alone for a month.

Humpsfor20yards · 30/12/2017 10:47

If I make deals and fail to keep to them, I'll come here first. The person I screwed over will get the blame-brilliant!

IntoTheFloodAgain · 30/12/2017 10:49

Oh right sorry, I’ve obviously misread that she didn’t need to stay!
I think the best thing is to just wait until you can speak to her properly.
If she’s been seen daily it sounds she’s either misunderstood about staying, or she changed her mind about staying and didn’t let you know.
I think if she was intentionally being neglectful, she wouldn’t have bothered even walking them (have you noticed any poo or wee in the house?)

Hope your dogs are ok now.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 30/12/2017 10:49

If you say it's possible she slept over and changed the sheets and the only concrete evidence is the barking, then I'd hold back before going in all guns blazing with accusations. It's possible the dogs bark when you're not there at night, even if someone else is.

mustbemad17 · 30/12/2017 10:50

Priscilla it's about consistency i think? If an animal is used to a set pattern - walks during the day then allowed to go wandering the land (can i borrow some OP?) then company at night - a complete reversal can be really confusing for them.

I find it baffling people are also berating OP for going away leaving dogs with a friend - presumably that dogs knew - but saying it's okay to leave a stranger to care for them? If anything the dogs would be less stressed with a familiar face!!

Addictedtothisbloodyforum · 30/12/2017 10:50

Of course op can leave her dogs for a month if she wants !! The friend did do all what you asked bar staying over night . It sounds like the dogs were lonely and missed human company and it would have been long days/ nights for them in the house alone until your friend came to walk them . I do agree that dogs definitely need walked more than once per day so it's no surprise the poor dogs were barking and crying . You have learned a valuable lesson op and will probably only holiday where u can take your beloved dogs with you Smile

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 30/12/2017 10:51

Having just read tft I think you should have put your dogs in kennels.

I’m sure you think you’re a wonderful pet owner, but had you been my neighbour I’d have reported you to the RSPCA for neglect. Leaving your poor dogs alone for a month is beyond cruel!

ADishBestEatenCold · 30/12/2017 10:52

"Dogs are fed twice daily, walked once (twice on weekends, but this is not an important point)."

You have a Border Collie and a Beagle that you walk just once a day!!!

Sorry ... got a bit side tracked by that, but ... wow ... it does sound as if your dogs are already used to a rather 'minimalist' life-style (doggy door or no, Grin )!

I think you probably have to tell your friend that you are upset, as she agreed to stay with your dogs overnight, then put this episode behind you.

Then, in the long term, I think you should set about finding a proper dog home-care service and use them regularly (perhaps for smaller things, like a night or two away, or ... two birds with one stone ... daytime dog-walking etc) so that you can build up trust, so your dogs are always confident with their temporary carers and so your dogs are already acclimatised for any periodic absences you have from the home.

These things will cost a proper fee, but honestly $500 is more like a weekly fee for care of two dogs, not a monthly one.

Original poster
SuperBeagle · 30/12/2017 10:52

Thanks for all the responses thus far. If I don't respond, I haven't vanished, it's just 10pm here and I'm knackered.

OP posts:
Original poster
SuperBeagle · 30/12/2017 10:52

I’m sure you think you’re a wonderful pet owner, but had you been my neighbour I’d have reported you to the RSPCA for neglect. Leaving your poor dogs alone for a month is beyond cruel!

Except that they're weren't MEANT to be alone.

OP posts:
KungFuEric · 30/12/2017 10:53

I think with hindsight you can see that this situation wasn't in the best interests of your dogs.

The anxiety could well have been purely about your absence, it can be very unsettling for them.

OldPony · 30/12/2017 10:53

I wouldn't even leave my cat for a month. She'd be so distressed and potentially get ill.

Your dogs probably had separation anxiety. You're lucky he didn't get ill. The dogs didn't understand that you'd ever come back, I would judge anyone who left a dog for a month.

Original poster
SuperBeagle · 30/12/2017 10:54

OldPony Yes, you've made your point loud and abundantly clear. You can rack off now.

OP posts:
Weedsnseeds1 · 30/12/2017 10:54

It sounds a perfectly reasonable arrangement to me.
The woman lives 5 minutes away, with her parents, who also help care for her own animals.
So all she had to do was sleep in a different bed, or call one of the other two people who would have stepped in.
My cat sitter is a friend's daughter, who lives 5 minutes away, with her fiancé and her in laws.
They both stay in my house, they can pop back to their own house, play with the in laws' cat or her mum's dog ( her mum lives opposite the in laws). Eat at my house or at home. Works perfectly well. I pay her £20 a day and the first time she cat sat for me she tried to give the money back as she'd enjoyed the space of a whole house to herself so much!
She adores my cat and I know he's in good hands. He's a very sociable creature and would miss human company at night.
I'd be severely pissed off in your shoes OP

Johnnycomelately1 · 30/12/2017 10:54

If the dogs have barked when left alone at night on every previous occasion but the neighbours only heard them ‘several’ times, wouldn’t that imply that she stayed some nights but not every night?

NovemberWitch · 30/12/2017 10:58

The dealbreaker for me is the unreliability of the friend. OP thought she had covered everything, and that her friend had agreed to all the conditions and then returned to find it was not so.
I wouldn’t fall out, OP, what’s done is done. I’d just not trust her again, or have such a close friendship.

TattyCat · 30/12/2017 10:59

If the dogs have barked when left alone at night on every previous occasion but the neighbours only heard them ‘several’ times, wouldn’t that imply that she stayed some nights but not every night?

I was just going to say the same thing! How do you know that 'friend' didn't just have a couple of evenings out, but still slept there? Wouldn't it depend on what time the dogs were barking, so... 2/3am... there's no-one there, but 10/11pm, dog sitter is just not back from a night out?

TattyCat · 30/12/2017 11:00

And if only one dog has lost weight, I'd be thinking it was stress, not neglect.

Farmerswife36 · 30/12/2017 11:01

Wow some people are seriously over reacting ! Op was not cruel ! She paid someone to take care of them so the person at fault is her friend ! Old pony you are just beyond ridiculous and have said your piece loud and clear ! Why shouldn't op go away for a month ? Anyways op I'm glad your home now and hopefully the dogs will be happier now . Ignore the idiots on this thread accusing you of being a terrible owner